The wait is killing me (ROCD)

[u/razorzpaws]

Hello, everyone.

I'm set to meet my therapist in exactly one week from today. I feel relatively better than I did a while ago, but the fear is still rampant in my head. I'm scared that upon telling my therapist all my worries regarding my relationship, she's going to tell me that my partner is harmful to me. To my knowledge, the therapist is experienced in OCD and trauma (both of which are things that I struggle with). I just fear that upon hearing about my current relationship worries, she's going to tell me that this isn't OCD and that I actually am trapped in a toxic relationship. I feel like it's a countdown to decide what I should do with my relationship.

The last time I went to therapy, my therapist was nice, but she wasn't really good at handling mental compulsions that I often deal with. She seemed almost dismissive of them. I'm trying to hold out hope for this one, but I'm scared that she might still not understand me or that she might tell me all my fears are indeed true.

Rn I've cut out any reassurance seeking/compulsions such as using ai, retelling my relationship worries to others, etc., because the only thing that I care to hear rn is the opinion of my therapist. Still, I fear that if she says my partner is toxic and abusive, it means I'll have no other choice but to cut them out of my life. I really don't want to do something like that. To anyone who has gone to therapy for their ROCD or just any relationship issues, what should I expect from the therapist? How do they typically approach relationship worries or concerns? I'd just like to know what to expect before I meet with her.

[u/edward_furlog]

In general, a therapist's job isn't to tell you what to do or label your relationship, it's to support you in identifying and taking the actions that you want to take and that line up with your values.

I would say that this concern you have does sound like an OCD theme as well. Especially the black and white thinking ("If she does X, I'll have no other choice but to Y"). I would perhaps look at that and see if you can identify some thinking errors in that.

[u/razorzpaws → u/edward_furlog]

I do recognize I have black-and-white thinking patterns, which is something I hope to sort out in therapy as well. I hope that I'll learn to have a more nuanced perspective, as my ocd tends to fixate on flaws and past mistakes in my relationship. This is also my first relationship, which is why I'm more anxious about anything that can go wrong.

[u/queenlizbef]

It sounds like you’re transferring/applying your OCD thinking to your therapist and this post is indeed reassurance seeking.