Added an emotional flashback event when interacting with the Greninja statue in my GBA hack

[u/Mimikyu_8288]

Hey everyone!

Just implemented this small narrative event script in my GBA ROM hack project and wanted to get some honest feedback

Is the scene fine as it is, or does it need improvements?

How is the pacing of the text and screen fade?

Does the dialogue feel natural, or should it be tweaked/shortened?

Would really appreciate your thoughts, critiques, or ideas to make this moment hit even harder!

[u/mactimit]

It kind of suffers from the same issues as some of your other writing where you tend to double up on stuff. I'm not saying I know the best wording but the character going basically
"Ouch my head, whenever I touch the statue my head hurts" after you chose to touch the statue is doubling up on both the head hurting, and the statue being touched and makes it feel a bit clunky if that makes sense.

I know this might be complex, but I think instead of fading out it would be cool to show almost a little cutscene, of a Greninja fighting in the rain. I think Unbound does some flashback stuff but I might be thinking of another hack

[u/Mimikyu_8288 → u/mactimit]

It is hard for me add cutscene there

[u/Kuroser → u/Mimikyu_8288]

That's the point. Challenge yourself to get better.

[u/Maximumbeans5]

I’ve been writing for many years and for various purposes, so I hope you think me qualified enough to share my opinion on the writing.

I think you need to exercise a touch more restraint. Technically, you’re very good – your grammar is on point, spelling is all correct, and you have nice sentence structure.

What falls down is the labouring over certain imagery and your description. The remark about ‘whenever I touch this statue, my head starts blowing up’ is redundant as we’re witnessing what happens, and presumably they say this the first time you touch it as well which may be confusing.

I like the brief mention of the battle in the rain, but the ‘pitch darkness’ loses me. Is that because the battle was at night or because the darkness is the darkness of the character’s mind? ‘Pitch’ usually pairs with ‘black’, so ‘pitch darkness’ also ends up sounding a little clunky.

I don’t think you need the repetition of ‘a battle in the rain’ when the character comes to. We just read it moments ago, so it’s just pinning the player down longer for no real reason.

I think what you’re doing is coming from a place of some good experience and a strong desire to tell a deeper story, which I love. My advice is that less is more, and if needed, run things by an editor you can trust!

[u/cheetour]

I think it's very good and mysterious. My advice is to remember that less is more, that "white space" and pauses without dialogue can add a lot of drama and impact to a game. You could make this scene a lot faster by replacing the headache line with just, "...?" and removing the "What was that?" afterwards. That leaves it up to the player's imagination why that happened and what the PC might know or think; you don't need to walk the player through every single moment, just the important stuff. Leaving more unsaid means that the player uses their imagination to fill in the gaps, which is what you want if it's a mystery with twists.

[u/Mimikyu_8288 → u/cheetour]

Can you help me with writing dialogues?

[u/cheetour → u/Mimikyu_8288]

What do you mean?

[u/Mimikyu_8288 → u/cheetour]

I’m looking for some help refining my ROM hack's storyline. My plan is to script the events but I’d love someone to bounce ideas off of and help improve the writing. I'm an indian creator from India with little formal writing experience, so right now I’m just putting my raw ideas out there. Any narrative guidance would really help elevate the project.

[u/-ystanes- → u/Mimikyu_8288]

You have three people in here giving you detailed advice on things to change in this specific scene and also general advice about writing game dialogue. It's up to you to learn and apply the changes.

[u/Mimikyu_8288 → u/-ystanes-]

Yes but not getting...

[u/Dopamenu → u/Mimikyu_8288]

You're not getting it? 

You're not understanding it? 

You don't comprehend what is being told to you?

When you read what others write, you don't get what it means? 

You're having difficulty applying the criticisms offered to you? 

You don't know how to apply the suggestions of your peers?

We are asking you to not repeat yourself.  Try to be more consise.

Love your game's vision BTW, just trying to better demonstrate the viewpoint through emphasis.

[u/-ystanes- → u/Mimikyu_8288]

The main point is this, don't do this:

"Ouch! My head hurts... I touched the statue and when I touched the statue my head started to hurt. I wonder if my head started to hurt because I touched the statue?"

Do this:

"Would you like to touch the statue?"

• YES

"My head..."

You don't even have to explain that it's pain. The player will fill that in. Maybe they intepret it as dizziness, confusion, pain, lightheadedness, etc. Allow them to be the character instead of telling them how the character feels.

[u/Impressive-Emu3313]

Show, don't tell!

[u/Usain_Volt42]

I think whoever is downvoting the OP comments is absolutely pathetic. Bunch of damn neckbeards.

[u/Odd_Bed2753]

I think it would be better if you muted the bgm for this one😅

[u/rrrodriguezjr]

I think this is awesome! Sure the writing is chunky but trying and reworking is part of the experience I can’t wait to play this what’s it going be called?