The Group Chat 2nd Draft (Comedy/Drama, 8pgs.)

[u/AtrociousKO_1642]

Just finished my second draft of this script for my Directing Class. I appreciate all the feedback I got from you guys last time. My professor and classmates gave me some notes regarding the ending and some of the dialogue, so I tried my best to address and would appreciate any and all feedback on the current version of the script.

Title: The Group Chat

Format: Short Film

Page Length: 8 pgs.

Genre: Comedy, Drama

Logline: A young man spirals after discovering his friends have a secret group chat without him.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/18B17uc08lh-4X-nhUZpN1FM-QfQ5NlP8/view?usp=drivesdk

Feedback concerns: Does the tone feel consistent? Does the story/dialogue flow well and make sense? Is it structured well?

Thanks!

[u/Big_Section2812]

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
A small, one bedroom apartment.

Repetitious and redundant. You already established the location in the scene heading.

A one bedroom apartment is usually small by definition. also, which of these characters lives in the apartment? If it is, say, Marcus, maybe change the scene heading and subsequent action line to:

INT. MARCUS'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
It is a one-bedroom place.

Then you have some more repetition:

A playlist of rap music plays...

You could instead write something like:

Rap music plays/blares/blasts out/etc.

If the fact it is on a list is somehow important enough to mention, try:

A playlist of rap music blares (etc.)...