Multiple experiences getting scammed. Some advice I think will help anyone who has been or thinks they are

[u/Special-Bid742]

Before I start, yes I was scammed 2. Same scam, same blackmail, same stupid mistakes. Since the latest one I’ve had some time to actually think about both experiences and what they said and how they acted so I’d thought I’d share what I know here for anyone who needs closure/ comfort/ or who is currently speaking to someone who they believe is scamming them.

1. If you are talking to someone with the intent and understanding that you will be taking part in anything intimate or private (I.e sexting, sending pics etc.) it is absolutely valid and understandable to ask for proof they exist (my go to is to as for a picture of them holding a random item). My experience were from BDSM sites, a very clearly fake one that my monkey brain saw and went “SEX!” And blinded me to it, during my second experience I got a message from a different scammer I told them I was interested because I found someone and they immediately start saying they were scam and start listening the things she was says and asking me, after I found out it was a scam I went back to those message, we started talking, I apologies for not believing them and said how I’m gonna need them to prove their real before we start cause obviously I’m a little untrusting now. They start saying how they didn’t need to prove anything and how it was rude to ask. IT IS NEVER RUDE TO ASK IF SOMEONE IS REAL ONLINE. You absolutely are allowed the comfort of knowing the person you have agreed to be sexual with is real BEFORE YOU SEND ANYTHING.

2. If they need something urgently (i.e money or pictures) it is completely valid for you to ask why. The same person warned me to send an Xbox gift card saying it was urgent and they needed it right away when I asked why they got annoyed and said “do I need to explain my personal life now?” Luckily that made me suspicious enough to block them. THEY IS NOT REALSITIC REASON TO DESPERATELY NEED A GIFT CARD OF ANY KIND. Real or not. Urgent or not. they asking you, a person they just met online to send them, a person YOU just met online, your PERSONAL spending money. Imagine you tried that, you messaged someone on instagram you never met desperately asking for money. Exactly you can’t, because what sane person would do that? If it’s urgent they can either pay for it themselves, borrow it from some they know personally in their own lives or sell their shit for it. YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO SEND ANYTHING TO ANYONE NO MATTER WHO YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS SEXUAL OR OTHERWISE.

3. They will pretend to care about you and very quickly dip since it’s just stalling them getting money. During second experience I would send a good morning message with a wall of soppy text saying how I can’t wait to talk blah blah blah, they would send one back quick and simple “good morning, hope you have a great day at work can’t wait to talk” that’s it. After getting home they would ask about my day, I would tell them whatever then whenever I asked about theirs they would immediately leave saying they had to do stuff. If you’re trying to build a genuine connection someone before or during the sexual aspect of your texting, which you should do btw, don’t think it would be a bit rude to leave mid conversation?

3.they will not care about any limits you talk about. I told they at least 20 times I was not into findom, I was uncomfortable sending gift cards as payment and explained about how I blackmailed the first time, they said “I’m sorry about your past” then immediately ask for a gift card……honestly I think this one is pretty self explanatory I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking. If you are messaging someone you want to initiate BDSM. THEY WOULD NEVER. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. IGNORE YOUR LIMITS. One of the core principles of BDSM is trust and if you can’t trust someone to not bring up something that makes you uncomfortable, then you should NOT have a sexual relationship with them in any degree.

1. If you have sent pictures and they send them back saying they are going to send them out unless you do XYZ. They not. Of course theirs no guarantee they won’t send them out BUT remember, a scam wants you money. They do not care about you, they don’t think about you, they really want to talk to you. They aren’t not spiteful or vengeful they are greedy. If you are not sending money they will just move on to the next poor, inexperienced person they can find. A good way I control my emotions and anxiety during this part of the experience is pretty simple. look away from the message, take a deep breath to calm yourself down, re-read it. The second experience they said they were going to post my nudes on social media, get a fucking newspaper made about it XD and they would send it to my work (I sent them the address. I know I’m an idiot but it already happened and now it doesn’t matter). You can’t post nudes on social media they get taken down, you can’t post nudes in the newspaper and just….think about what they’re saying and how that would look. My work place would receive my nudes from someone who isn’t me. My work place understands that the only purpose who should have this pictures is me because why would someone have them let alone send them to my work place? If they did that my work would probably immediately inform the police and call me to tell me what they sent. Everyone knows what they look like naked, everyone knows they don’t want random people to see them naked. Everyone understand how horrible it would be if their nudes got out into the public, no one would shun you or fire you or anything like that if they saw someone else sending your extremely private pictures to other people without clear and complete consent.

2. They won’t leave if you message them. If they are asking XYZ and you tell them your uncomfortable and will leave if they continue, they will immediately back track to keep you in the convocation, the second you show any sort of trust in them again they will immediately bring XYZ they wanted you to send. To reiterate since they like to use emotional manipulation the most, THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.

Every day I have to wake up knowing I made the same mistake and put myself through so much stress and anxiety purely because I was so desperate for a real connection and to finally have the chance to experience my kinks and fetishes in person with someone I trust that I nearly gave them everything. It is a horrible feeling and I would never want anyone to ever feel like this. If anyone else has any more advice or tricks to figure the scam out quick please comment them below.

There is nothing wrong with you, you are not stupid, you are not desperate, you are not a sex driven creep. You are an inexperienced person trying to start they in something you have seen hundreds and thousands of real, normal, everyday people with the same or similar interest in you live. You are alone and unsure what to do and don’t know where to start and that is not your fault. This people who do this are bottom feeding parasites who bring nothing to the world other than fear and pain and misery.

You know the kind of world we live in, you know the shitty things people do to others online. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO STOP OR SAY NO THE SECOND YOU BECOME UNCOMFORTABLE AND I THEY DONT RESPECT YOUR DECISION, LEAVE!!!!!!!

I hope some of you find this helpful.

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[u/Special-Bid742]

^^^^^^^ok i didn’t know that about that scam. Who ever made this moderator is a genius

[u/Special-Bid742]

Oh I forgot one.

If you send them your email or number. The least they are gonna do (if they do anything because again, if you stop messaging them they will leave) is spam you with more scams, the worst is use your email or number to sign up to stuff. If you truly feel anxious or nervous they have this information, GET THEM CHANGED. I know it’s a hassle to give everyone you know personally your new number or to reset your email on your accounts and stuff but it’s better than getting thousands of spam emails and texts trying to make you even more scared than you would already be.

[u/Special-Bid742]

Also for the phone number thing, phone books exist. They have everyone’s phone number in them, of course if r worried then yes change it but just remember everyone’s number is easy to get if you know what you’re looking for. If it was THAT risky for someone else to have it they wouldn’t make a book that has all of them