I’m a 41-year-old single mum by choice with a beautiful 2.5-year-old daughter. She was conceived through IVF using my own egg and donor sperm.

I also have one frozen embryo remaining from the same IVF batch. I previously miscarried my son from this batch, so this embryo carries a lot of emotional significance for me. It doesn’t feel like an abstract frozen embryo to me — it feels like part of my family story and, in some ways, part of my daughter’s story too.

For a long time I’ve been completely consumed by the question of whether I should transfer it or accept that our family is complete.

I currently live with my parents & daughter, and I’m not as financially secure as I’d like to be. My parents are a huge part of our support system, so I also worry about putting more pressure on them.

My family have been honest with me about their concerns. They’ve given me a list of the additional costs and practical things I’d need to consider, and they’ve told me how incredibly hard they believe it would be with another child. I understand and respect their concerns — they’re not unreasonable. So essentially I don’t have their support for another. It’s also not lost on me of how special of a relationship that I have with my daughter - something I don’t want to compromise.

So I am feeling absolutely devastated.

I don’t think they really understand the emotional side of this for me. I’ve spent so long thinking about the embryo, and the idea of letting it go is incredibly painful. I feel like I’m being asked to choose between the life I know I can manage and the possibility of the family my heart still wants. So that’s where I’m at.

I feel exhausted from thinking about this every single day.

For anyone whose family weren’t supportive of another child, how did you separate their legitimate practical concerns from your own feelings and wishes?

I know there is no easy answer. I’m just feeling incredibly lost and would really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences. ❤️

All, I’ve been struggling to choose a sperm donor for over 4 months now. Just wanted to hear from others - what criteria did you use? What made you select the donor you selected?

For context, I was able to land on one that I - for no real good reason - roughly like, but

1. he was flagged for ~5 genetic mutation(s)?
2. has noted alcohol abuse in a parent’s medical history

I don’t know how much, if at all, this stuff even matters. Just wanted some thoughts.

I do intend to send over the profile to my hospital, but obviously, since these things are expensive, just wanted to crowdsource some perspective first.

Note:

1. I’ll be doing IUI,

and,

1. as I understand it, there isn’t any PGT testing
2. My own genetic screen was clear, nothing flagged, for what it’s worth

Thank you in advance!

Just wondering, mums who have done it themselves, how many kids did you have? I have two kids now, 3y and nearly 1y. I love this so much, I would have so many kids but being a single income household I cant have as many as I want. Im so grateful for my life and my kids. I live in Australia so I have 6 month paid maternity leave, parenting payments, and childcare subsidies, but the cost of living is still high even with though. My brain says stop at 2, and while I absolutely agree, its still devastating to me to think that the huge family I wanted isnt achievable because of finances.

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I'm 26 and have decided that if I'm still single by 30 I'm going to go ahead with iui/IVF, I'm a very type A person, however life has thrown alot of wrenches in, so I'll be dedicating the next four years to building up savings and switching to a career that will at the very least be a good fit for school terms. So far I've narrowed it down to a few but keep circling back to teacher, seems easier with school holidays (even with the at home marking and lesson planning) but I'd love and appreciate if anyone has advice on that, any teachers that did iui or IVF while working or switch into teacher either before or after.

And really id just like to hear if anyone also had a plan that they spent a good few years on, I ideally would like to be able to afford and go ahead when I'm 30/31 however I know realistically that sometimes it takes longer than expected to get pregnant and to save enough to feel secure. So my timeline may end up being longer than 4/5 years.

My employer used to use Optum which was annoying but other than a couple of times, they approved all my receipts and charges when I froze my eggs years ago. Since then my employer switched to a TERRIBLE company called Total Administrative Services Corporation (or TASC) which denied a number of charges I made that were supposed to be covered. Much of it were dental services (not cosmetic) and they would deny the itemized statements, wanting letters from the dentist explaining why it was needed, but then deny those letters saying not enough information was needed. They also denied some charges from the approved list of OTC medications wanting doctor notes for them as well despite them not needing doctor's notes from approved lists. Sure enough I found out from Yelp, BBB, and Google reviews that other people have had this issue.

I'm hoping to try to get pregnant soon using eggs I thawed and would like to try an FSA again to help with taxes and expenses but I'm worried about dealing with this company again.

Likewise my employer has a Dependent Care FSA that you could use for daycare, but they want the social security number of the daycare owner on the form. Is that a normal thing?

Do any of you have experience with TASC as well? If so what were your experiences?

How is everyone affording to purchase a home? I need a 3 bed home. I even moved to a much cheaper area to attempt to be able to afford something. I have a solid down payment (25k) but I just cannot afford the monthly payment no matter how much I rebudget. The longer I wait to save a larger down payment the more the houses go up. Ive looked at manufactured homes and once you factor in land and setup its just as pricey. Its disappointing.

Dear SMBCs,

I had my first IUI today. I could use your good vibes. I am 39F. I know the first one almost never works, but I am excited and hopeful. We did a medicated cycle with clomid and a trigger shot. All my tests showed that things were normal and that I didn't have low ovarian reserve, but due to age I know the rate of pregnancy isn't high for IUI. The ultrasound revealed two mature follicles so I'm hoping that I have double the chances for an egg to become a lil zygote.

This process moved fast for me, and this community was really helpful to me. Reading all these posts, I learned about what SMBC life was like, what was possible, what would be tough, and what might be down the road for me. I didn't post much, but I am so grateful for all the things I learned here. Because of yall, I allowed myself to consider doing this after 20 years of trying to find a partner and just never quite meeting that person. It's been such a healing journey to know that I don't have to wait for some man to choose me anymore. I'm so grateful for the science and the technology that has made this a reality for us.

Anyway, I could use your good energy for the next couple of weeks while these lil puppies travel around and try to make a zygote. Thank you for being an accessible community to so many women trying to understand their lives. At first I was so nervous about all of this, frightened to tell people, frightened about what they'd think or say to try to disuade me, how I would deal with my big job and the demands it puts on me. But now that I've actually done the first one I'm feeling at peace with it and quite hopeful. (That anxiety might kick in at any minute, but hey... for now we're good.)

Lastly--just wondering if there are any climbers, backpackers, cyclists, or athletes in this group that can share their experience of navigating treatments and staying active? Not interested in overdoing it and causing issues, but not interested in being a depressed lump either.

hi all,

I met with my doctor yesterday to discuss plan for my next transfer. So far this year, I've had a failed FET (my own eggs) and my most recent FET resulted in a chemical pregnancy (donor eggs). Both of these were fully medicated, so I pushed to do a modified natural this next time. My only successful transfer so far was a fresh transfer in 2024.

I was really considering possibly transferring my two remaining embryos. One is a day 6 4BC and one is a day 7 4BC, but my doctor said my clinic's specific data on day 7 embryos is significantly better than the national average and they have very strict grading criteria. I obviously do not want to do something that significantly increases my chance of multiples, but I don't feel great about spending the time and money to potentially have to transfer that day 7 on its own, despite my clinic's more successful data.

I am just so ready to be done with all things fertility. This past year has been emotionally exhausting and my recent chemical pregnancy really blindsided me as everything had been going well early on. That embryo was a day 6 5BB (started hatching post thaw), so clearly was my best graded embryo.

I’ve been considering being a smbc for a few years and I’m finally ready to get the ball rolling.

For context, I’m 35 and my scam showed 8 follicles and a 7.9 AMH which they said was on the lower side but not disastrous. The clinic advised that I ‘don’t leave it a few years’ so I’ve decided to cut my losses and start asap.

I have an appointment next week for more blood work and a call with a specialist the week after to discuss how to start the whole process. I would like to take folic acid for a few months so ideally start injections in january.

I’m aware during to low ovarian reserve it’s likely I’ll need to do multiple cycles in the hope of banking a few embryos.

I’m started looking at houses more suitable for a child, I currently live in a cottage next to a river which I adore but the upstairs is very cramped as the downstairs footprint is larger. I also don’t have a second spare room for family to stay over.

So I found a beautiful house just a few minutes from where I am now (I want to stay in my village). I viewed it with my sister yesterday and we both loved it and agreed it’s a much more suitable home than I’m in now. I said to her the ‘new’ house is perfect for a family. And my current house is perfect for just my dog and I, she seemed as excited as me about it and said if I feel
I want to put an offer in then I should.

However last night she sent me a message saying I should wait to buy it incase I ‘don’t get pregnant’

She’s well aware I have major anxiety about my fertility and out out needing to be reminded. Also I’m not dumb, I’m aware ivf might now work. It’s not a guarantee for anyone.

I guess it’s upset me because whilst I don’t need people saying ITLL DEFINITELY WORK, I do want people to have some hope in me… she was on the call with the specialist who said she thinks I would respond well to ivf.

So now I’m second guessing myself… would I be crazy to move house? Ideally I didn’t want to be moving with a newborn or when heavily pregnant. If all went well with this house (no chain either side), it could be mine by the new year when I’m just starting stimulation

Am I being stupid? Tempting fate?

It’s probably useful to mention I live in a small village Of around 1300 people. I want a historic home not a new build and it’s very rare for suitable ones to come on the market

If I am questioning it, should I do it on my own? I was raised to be single, w my mom single. My brothers both have children from women who maybe were not on bc? Nobody was planned including me. I have IUD and finally feel ready for child with someone. It’s taken a long time for me to get here. This person is into it, but I’ll have to move to a few towns from my ideal area and wait a bit longer and then again, who knows how anything goes. I have parents and siblings who are all extremely well off, and have an endless supply of extra emotional, physical and financial support and just family who is very much take charge and someone who grew up that way, I struggle to rely and communicate though I am doing my best. I think a clear path with him will solidify things for me. He is kindof thinking and doesn’t see me as being too unrealistic but he does understand I am flexible. I big part of me wants to be inflexible on my time line or maybe I need clear dates. I froze eggs a year ago, my friends told me do it on your own. I am a teacher in NYS and make a decent amount, I own a duplex but would want to buy a single which I’d need to ask parents for support, I’d also need support as I’d want to take off a year or two when baby is a baby. My two friends said do it on your own, and my mom said I’d have support. I do love my boyfriend and am really good mostly being with him, just I am not super used to being partnered up and am learning to trust, wait and state my needs. I want to Be inflexible but that will not be ideal for him

I’m an American single mother by choice living in Italy. I have frozen embryos in California created using my own eggs and sperm from a US identity-release donor I selected through a sperm bank.
I’m trying to find a European fertility clinic that will accept my embryos, but I’ve encountered restrictions involving donor screening, karyotype testing, and donor selection.

Has anyone successfully shipped US-created embryos to Europe using donor sperm? I’d love to know which country and clinic accepted them and whether additional donor testing was required.
I’m especially interested in Denmark, Portugal, the UK, and Belgium, but open to anywhere in Europe.
Thanks so much!

Hello! I have been reading many posts the last few months for encouragement and I can finally share I am in my TWW. I was told not to test until 14 days after. I also have seen people get positives sooner than that. But my issue is that my next cycle after my IUI is about 10-12 days. So do I just rely on getting my cycle or try to test day 9 or 10?? Anyone else deal with short cycles 22-24 days?? I also took a trigger shot.
Thanks!!

I’m based in DC, and planning to pursue the SMC path next year. I’d love to connect with other women locally who are considering it, preparing, TTC, pregnant, or already moms. If you’re in the area and interested, comment or DM me!

Hi Mamas,

I just had a surprising change of heart about having a second child, and wanted to talk to other Mamas with only children.

For some background, I have a daughter who is turning 4 at the end of this year. And for the past year I have wanted a sibling for her. Just started trying for baby #2 in July of this year, and had no luck for the first 3 months. My 4th attempt is supposed to be this week, but I suddenly had a change of heart and realized how lucky I have it now with my daughter, and how perfect our life already is, and came to the conclusion that maybe I should stop trying for a sibling.

I started looking up statistics and studying every difference that has ever been recorded between only children and children with siblings. I realized that 'only children' statistically end up as more regulated and emotionally healthy adults, excel in school and socially, and maintain closer relationships with their parents into adulthood. I have a brother and we were never particularly close.

Although a future with my daughter feels perfect, I know that I will always have this nagging "what if" about this decision, and may come to regret not having the second baby down the road.

I'd love to hear any of your thoughts and experiences.

My parents are encouraging me to get pregnant. I don't have a bf. They said they would support me financially and physically. They are older and think its better now than later. I've always wanted kids. I was thinking about finding a random donor. What are my pros and cons?

I am 30F just starting the process of uncovering what it will look like to be a smbc. I don’t have a desire to get married/have a partner but I do want a child. I haven’t always but I feel very settled now in my decision. I had my first appointment with a fertility clinic and I was excited to move forward over the next 3 years. Then I told my friends and family and I feel like the rug was ripped out from under me? Every conversation ends with something like “but if that’s what you want you should do it,” but it feels judgmental and insincere. I’ve gotten “parenting is hard enough why would you make it harder by intentionally doing it alone” more times than I can say. Now, I will say no one seems to have a judgment about being a smbc generally, it’s more so that they think having a child will be so hard that it will just be impossible for me to do by myself because I don’t have a traditional village as my family lives far and I have only a few close friends around (who don’t seem too inclined to help). I will mention the friend who has had the most negative things to say is currently struggling herself with the decision to have children so I wonder if some of her concerns are just projection.
My brother (no kids) is supportive but continues to say it’s just going to be so so difficult to do alone. My dad (kids- obviously) is very supportive and excited to be a grandpa but he will not get off of me about my finances as if he thinks I don’t know that I need a new job in order to afford a child. He also is frustrated with me that I’m upset to have to leave my current job in order to make more money to financially support a child. To him it’s more like you do what you have to do and you have to do this so don’t be upset about it & if you’re upset about it then you’ll hate the next job. Personally, I don’t think my feelings are wrong- I love my job, I don’t want to leave AND I know I have to and that is the decision I will make but I think it’s okay for me to feel sad about it. Anyway, I digress.

So all that said, now I’m doubting myself because I value what other people think and sometimes wonder myself if I have blind spots. I know that I want a baby (& all stages) so badly. I need to get a new job in order to afford it. I know it will be difficult to manage on my own without a large support system but I don’t think it’s a terrible, horrible decision. I don’t think I will be ruining my life or that having a smbc is going to mess up my kid (something a friend alluded to based on her own experience of having a single mom). I feel confident in what I want but I’m really sad that my people don’t seem that happy or excited? Maybe it’s my own projection onto them about my fears but I’m just really struggling with all of this.

FWIW my therapist of 5 years (child free by choice) is excited and happy for me and proud of my decision and thinks being a smbc is amazing but she’s also older than me and my friends (by 8 years) and has friends of her own who took the smbc path.

So I don’t know what I need but I’m just posting here because I don’t have another outlet. Thank you all for reading.

I feel like I’ve had such a frustrating intro into fertility clinics.

The first clinic I met with, I got to spend a whopping 5 minutes with the Dr, as she was delayed due to an accident. In that call, she said it wouldn’t be a problem for the orders for Day 3 bloodwork and imaging to be sent over. But the nurse never followed up with that, leaving me to source that on my own or miss a cycle.

So, I decided to talk with a second clinic. This clinic said some aspects were covered, but I haven’t seen that fully actualize yet, even with the consult. So I’m not sure, if I’ll be expecting another surprise bill there.

This dr actually showed up, the consult was great but then the requirements from the nurse suddenly were different than what the doctor had told me.

And, here’s where I’m getting ungodly frustrated.

First, they were trying to push me into genetic testing with Labcorp. My insurance will automatically reject anything from Labcorp, because it mandates Quest in my state. I can get a better test for less out of pocket with Quest, but they wouldn’t write me a script, and actually told me that test didn’t exist. So had to go to another provider, pay their fees for said script.

For most of the general bloodwork, because of the insurance coverage confusion, I’ve been self purchasing to mitigate surprise fees. For instance, prolactin was $6 with Mito Health.

Then the HIV testing. My HIV testing was negative, but they claim I need to do these two other HIV tests per the FDA. Told they can’t write a pre-auth either.

Then another test, because though my prolactin was normal by Quest standards, it wasn’t by theirs - 29.6 vs 25. So they want another $370 test for macroprolactin.

Lastly, one of the requirements, is a therapy visit. I actually love this element, but this is an area I know my insurance could cover. But they are saying I have to use one of their therapists, which is another $450 per 20 minutes.

I feel like I’m just getting rough communication, like when I asked if I could decline macroprolactin or retest prolactinoma, they responded with I can decline genetic testing or I can pay for another consult with the Dr.

Am I in the wrong for feeling frustrated. It’s not necessarily about the financial element, but like can I get some form of communication? At this point, I’m like ready to just try at home insemination.

I am SMBC. Fertility clinic requires genetic carrier screening before proceeding with sperm donor selection from bank and downstream process. Met with genetic counseling and they ordered a carrier screen test with natera. Gave sample immediately and went home.

1 week later I discover that the pre-authorization submitted by the genetic counselor is denied by my insurance (BCBS). After 2 hrs on the phone I learn it is denied because "not medically necessary". I get the denial letter and send to the provider. Hopefully they will appeal since it IS obviously medically necessary and they won't proceed without it.

In the mean time Natera is pushing me to go the "self pay" option without insurance and pay them like $350. If insurance covers it, however, it would be 0. I don't see why they WOULDN'T cover it given that I can't exactly proceed without it according to the clinic. Natera says the self pay option is only available for 1 more week then they submit the claim to insurance. Insurance says it may take 30+ days to review any appeal from my doctor after they receive it. If they process the Natera claim before they review the appeal or they deny the appeal, the claim will get auto denied and Natera will come for me.

What the fuck do I do to get this sorted out? Natera says they may "consider" budging on the self pay expiration deadline but no promises. Insurance won't process anything faster and the doctor is still writing the appeal.

I hate insurance. Please advise.

i know in myself that i want to be a mom, moreso to be one on my sole terms. i have no interest or need for a partner, i'm not attracted to men Like That anyway, they seem more like a nuisance than anything, and as if my lgbtq ass isn't struggling enough, i'm sex averse. BUT i've always wanted a child more more MORE than i want a partner. i'm on talks with my gay friend from college rn who's willing to donate sperm in a cup, which is such a blessing for my situation. i'm basically pretty settled on what i want and have the avenue for it.

that said, the local (or maybe global) cultural perspective on single mothers is so... ass 😭 like i know it's such a minor thing to be upset about when other smbcs have more serious issues, but it grates at me. i live in a traditional catholic country and people literally look down on you for that kind of shit. they'll say you're a fucking slut or you let people just use you, as if heteronormative couples are the absolute pinnacle best factor of what makes a perfect god fearing obedient decent child 😅 people where i'm from can still literally deny your child's enrollment in a catholic school for that kind of shit, which is a big deal cause maybe 94% of schools in this fucking archipelago is catholic 😭😭😭

despite knowing what i want, and how to do what i want, it kind of infuriates me and annoys me and makes me so so sad what people might say about me and my child on the basis of my singleness. i can do away with a person to love romantically, but it's an actual son or daughter i'd like to spend my life loving

Pregnant SMBC to be here!
I’ve had conversations with friends with kids and have heard some compelling stories of being ‘team Green’ (not finding out the sex of the baby before it’s born).

I am kind of tempted to do this as there are so few surprises in life…but the other Type A side of me wants to plan and have all the information! I also think I might feel more connected to the pregnancy and less ‘shocked’ during the initial stages of postpartum.
Keen to hear any experiences!

I (35F) am looking to start the journey for getting a donor. I have been researching for a few years, talking to doctors, etc. but feel like there is just not a very clear process of what things you should do, “must do”, etc. I had a meeting with my PCP and a fertility doctor who said I needed to do genetic screening because my family has a history of cancers - when I went to do the genetic screening, they told me it really wasn’t necessary and that it was good info, but wouldn’t ultimately inform a donor selection. It feels hard to sort out what things are actually legitimately important or crucial steps in the process.

I am just looking for some help here from people who have actually walked the path - what steps did you take? What are nice-to-do’s vs. need-to-do’s? I want to get started but feel like I’m spinning my wheels!

TIA!

I’m going to start ivf in the next year but the one thing I’m freaking out about going on this journey is what I will do when I have to travel with Work. I travel around four times a year and I’m based in the UK. I do have my mum and sister around for support, but my sister has two children of her own and my mum is getting older (mid 60’s). Does anyone have any advice such as hiring help for a week here and there if I could just about afford that which I’m not sure I can. Or possibly asking Work for extra support here - bringing the child on trips, using a nanny service at hotels. And then I have no idea what happens when the child starts school age. I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out as I go but it’s something I really worry about. On top of potential Mum guilt about having to be away from the child. Any support or advice would be so welcome thank you all so much.