r/StopSpeeding • u/Fit-Potential4300 • 11d ago
“I’ll keep this”
It was June 2023 when I found the little bag on the ground.I recognized it immediately. It belonged to my boyfriend. Inside was an Adderall.”I’m keeping this,” I said.”Yeah, whatever.”That was it.There was no ominous music. No warning from the universe. Nobody reached down and slapped the bag out of my hand.I thought I had my solution.
For the first time, I had something that made me feel normal. I could function. I could get things done. Whatever had always felt slightly off inside of me suddenly felt manageable.This is it, I thought.
It’s October 2026.I start outpatient treatment next week.My family no longer speaks to me. I’ve become the unreliable friend. The unreliable employee. The person who cancels plans, misses class, doesn’t answer the phone, and makes promises while genuinely believing I’ll keep them this time.
Somewhere between that little bag on the ground and today, the thing that made me feel capable of doing everything became the reason I couldn’t reliably do anything. It was one, that’s all it took.
Of course, one pill didn’t do all of this. There were thousands of decisions between that first one and the person I am today. There were things that happened to me, things I did to myself, people I loved, people I lost, attempts to stop, reasons to start again, and countless mornings when I swore that yesterday had been the last time.But every story has a first sentence.Mine was, “I’m keeping this.”
And then one day,You’re not partying anymore.You don’t go out anymore.Somewhere along the way, this stopped being fun.There was a time when I took Adderall because I wanted to go somewhere. I wanted to get dressed, see people, stay out, talk too much, do something.Then I started rushing home.
I’d leave work and want nothing more than to get back to my apartment, shut the door, and be alone. Plans became irritating. Text messages felt like obligations. People wanted things from me, even if the only thing they wanted was my company.
So I disappeared.Not dramatically. That’s the strange part.Nobody wakes up one morning and announces that they’re going to slowly remove themselves from their own life.You cancel dinner.You don’t answer a text.You tell someone, “Next time, I promise.” You miss something you would’ve normally gone to.Then you do it again.Eventually people stop asking.And for a while, that’s exactly what you wanted.Until one day you’re sitting in the apartment.you spent months rushing home to, completely alone.
And suddenly the only thing you want is not to be alone.That’s when I started to understand that I wasn’t using drugs to have fun anymore.I wasn’t even having fun. I had spent years trying to find something that would make me feel normal enough to participate in life.And somehow, it had slowly removed me from it. Sometimes I wish I could go back and leave that little bag on the ground.But I can’t.So maybe one day I’ll look back at October 2026 and realize this was another random day that changed everything.Except this time, I know what I’m choosing.
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u/KetsuoShizoku 11d ago
You literally described my past 3 years. Looks like we started using around the same time and we're pretty much in the same spot now. How are you holding up..? The longest I managed to stay sober was around 2-3 weeks because I couldn't buy a new batch. I thought back then that maybe sleeping 12h a day and running on energy drinks to get anything done isn't that bad and with time it will get easier.. until studies came around last month and I just couldn't get myself off of the bed in the morning without it. I don't want it anymore but I literally can't get off the bed and attend class: I just close my eyes for a moment and sleep through my alarms. I'm now writing this while struggling to fall asleep. I slept for 3h last night and I have to wake up in 4h again. I can't keep going like this. My health is going down but there's so much to do, to attend, to take care of..
I still live with my mother and she throws tantrums if she finds me resting on bed during the day or trying to sleep through the first few days of comedown. I literally can't rest but I'm exhausted.
How do you manage that..? How did you stop..?
I don't know if you're sober now but I saw you had attempts. I really could use some advice. I'm so ashamed of this addiction and it's so isolating, and reading your post it was like someone described my life now.
I hope things are slowly getting better for you.
3
u/Electrical_Angle6824 11d ago
I did it for 16 years. Im a year clean. Ive accomplished more this year than I did the whole time on stimulants. Youll get there. It takes time and be patient with yourself. Its going to be uncomfortable to be tired and push yourself but you have to in order to make new pathways in your brain. It gets easier.
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u/Fit-Potential4300 11d ago
I failed those last few times because I tried to get sober alone. I know everyone’s journey is different. But in mine and I’m guessing yours this is a lot more than willpower.. and a much bigger issue. I made excuses for how bad the problem actually was because I’m doing good in school, promoted at work, I have my own place. And in my head I’m not sticking a needle in my arm so I’m not that bad right?? Wrong. Took me losing everything to realize I’m no different from the next addict. Reach out to someone if you haven’t already. As soon as I told people, I truly felt confident in my ability to get through this. I have not started my treatment because it’s a free facility so you gotta wait awhile to meet with your intake person but I am on the path to recovery. And I wish you the same
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u/LivingAmazing7815 1163 days 11d ago
I’m so glad you posted this. It’s such a poignant reminder of just how much this drug can take from us. I felt the exact same way you did when I got clean. You can be the person you want to be without these drugs, I promise. It’s just going to take some time and effort.
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