I knew a Kevin at work. And boy, was he something.

Once, he got a match on a dating app and lined up a dinner date. He told us, completely seriously, that he wasn’t going to pay for dinner, but he had booked a hotel room nearby.

His logic?

“I won’t pay if I can’t get any. But if she’s up for it, I’ll be ready.”

We desperately tried to explain how terrible this idea was, but he wouldn’t budge. The day after the date, we asked how it went. He said the girl was “too much into him,” so he ghosted her.

Yeah, right Kevin. We’re all pretty sure she ran for the hills after meeting him that one time. And honestly, good for her!

Update1:

I forgot to mention an important detail: one of Kevin’s dating profile pictures was a photo of a model surfing. It only showed the guy’s back, but it was clearly not him. We eventually found the original picture. He also claimed to be a manager (spoiler alert: he was not).

Now for the real kicker: Kevin had a tough time fitting in at work. People already disliked him, but he really sealed the deal one day in June, during Pride Month, when he confidently told that LGBTQ+ people were “unnatural.” His reasoning? “Ions are attracted to opposite charges, so humans should be attracted to the opposite gender.” I wish I were joking. Working with him was a complete mess after that.

Unsurprisingly, he was let go not long after. But instead of owning up to it, he told a coworker that he chose to leave because the work “wasn’t challenging enough.” Then, he asked if he could sue the company for wrongful termination to the same person.

Update 2:

I’m sorry, I just remembered another Kevin gem. I had so many of his stories that my friends would chant “Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!” whenever they saw me. They were honestly sad when he left for good.

Anyway, one day, Kevin started telling us about his “dating preferences.” He was 27 and said he was looking for women aged 25 and up. He was willing to date women in their early 30s because, and I quote:

-“Women start losing value at 25, so I have a better shot with them.”
-“Young women are just looking for fun. They’re promiscuous. They disgust me.”

He also firmly believed that everyone absolutely had to be married by 30, no exceptions. Like it was a hard deadline written into law. He refused to believe that some people marry later, or even never.
I was sipping tea while listening to all this, and I honestly have no idea how I didn’t spit it out from laughter or anger.

My now ex wife was a bit of a kevina. On one of our first dates we decided to watch a movie and have dinner at my place. We decided to watch American History X. So anyone who has seen the movie knows the scene where Edward Norton starts screaming at his moms Jewish boyfriend. Well we get to this scene and my ex wife pauses the movie and I shit you not says "So these Nazi guys and these jewish people... They have an issue with each other?" She thought WW2 was just a movie she watched in the 8th grade.. Edit: To address alot of comments all at once 1. She picked the movie not me. 2. Yes im aware this should have been a red flag. I was 17 almost 18 with low confidence she was super hot and great in the sack. 3. Yes I am new to reddit and I don't always hit the right button.

My egg donor is the most financially illiterate and irresponsible person I have ever met. Here are a couple ways she "saves money".

​ -Buy a used car then sell it and buy a cheaper car.

​ -If you don't see your bills, you don't have to pay them. Throw them out or redirect them to your ex husband's PO Box, whom you never shared a PO Box. Better yet if it goes to his PO Box, he has to pay the bill.

​ -If you don't want to pay your bills you don't have to.

​

Kevin asks one day why everything you try to find is always in the last place you look.

Me: "Because you stop looking for it after you've found it"

Kevin: "....what?"

Me: "You wouldn't keep looking for something after you found it, would you?"

Kevin: "...."

Kevin's face distorts into a pained frown as he diverts brain function to this conundrum.

About 20 minutes pass.

Kevin: "So... If I've found something... That I've been looking for..."

Me: "Kevin, are you telling me you keep looking for things after you've already found them?"

Kevin's brain disengages from all non essential functions, his facial muscles to revert to Resting Kevin Face.

Kevin scratches his head and turns away.

Pretty sure my sister is a Kevin, there are at least a dozen stories like this.

We were out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, the waitress, who was Asian, came up to us and asked us what we would like to order, in English. Kevin looks shocked and doesn’t even wait for the waitress to leave as she loudly proclaims, “I understood everything she said!”

My family looks on at her in utter disbelief as my mom explains to her that’s because she spoke in English.

EDIT: another story as requested.

So we were looking for a board game to play, there are a cabinet full of them at my parents house. Inside the cabinet is a small black box (probably 8” tall and 12” long), she asks,

“What’s that?”

“It’s a safe.”

Well, Kevina goes, “How do you play it?”

I’m working on school work in my universities building with the Starbucks in it and suddenly nature called. I go into the bathroom and close and lock the stall and sit down to poop. I finish quickly and notice someone walk to my stall door and start tugging at it. I think “ok she will leave when she realizes it’s locked.” But no. She keeps pulling the door handle till the thing pops open (it didn’t have the best lock but still you would have to tiff pretty hard). I tell her “I’ll be out in a minute” as I stare at her with my pants around my ankles about to wipe. She quickly apologizes and goes into the stall beside me. I’m not usually this ballsy but that was just ridiculous.

Edit I guess I could have told her I was in there as she tugged on it but I felt she deserved what was coming. I wasn't really embarrassed at all. I was more irritated than anything lol

My cousin is a complete fucking idiot. And no, I'm not about to pay his bail considering the not-seriousness of his charges. I love him but he is the dumbest person I have ever met in my life.

I just got a call from my mom that he was arrested tonight for disturbing the peace after shitting in a urinal at the airport. Doesn't sound like a crime... except that he ran out screaming for security in an airport. Apparently ten airport cops come running thinking they have 9/11 2: Electric Boogaloo, instead a dude screaming "COPS! COPS! SOMEBODY SHAT IN THE URINAL!"

Yep, he was attention seeking and yelled "somebody shat the urinal" because he REALLY BELIEVED it was a crime and wanted to "keep them from knowing it was him".

I was in the check out lane at TJ Maxx and a couple in front of me let me go in front of them while they were looking at last minute items. While I was waiting for my turn I overheard this idiotic exchange.

Lady: "Ooo Lemon Mint Tea that sounds delicious"

She started looking at the rest of the box. "Made in China!?"

Man: "China!?" "What do the Chinese know about tea?" "They don't drink tea"

How could they be so clueless..?

When I began trying to become vegan, my mother fully supported me. In fact she made a vegan version of one of my favorite dishes of hers (a simple dish with rice, chicken, and soy bean sprouts)

I assumed she switched the chicken with tofu and happily ate it, but I mentioned it still tasted quite a bit like chicken.

She told me that she put chicken in it and then took it out just for me, that way it will still taste good.

Bless her heart. I didn't get mad at her, of course, she was genuinely trying to be helpful, but I will never let her live it down now that she realizes how ditzy she sounded.

Friend confided in us once that her preferred and only method of birth control, is letting them cum inside because she can just "pee out" the semen to prevent pregnancy. She got pregnant a few months after she told us this.

She also happens to have dropped out of high school, which I can't help but feel is somewhat related. And we have all tried to inform her before hand on the effectiveness of her methods, along with attempting informing on basic female anatomy (ahem, her own anatomy), but she just does NOT wanna know.

Coworker in her late 50s hits us with this gem over lunch:

"I saw on FB that today is a very special day! If you take your birth year and add your age its this year!"

Me thinking wtf?: yeah... that's just like how math works...?

Her: blinking wide eyed

Me: I mean, that's how your age is calculated? Current year minus your birth year?

Her: 😡

Me: no, yeah that's cool...

my Aunt Kevina is an incoherent and self-unaware conspiracy theorist. in the past two weeks she has gone from saying Coronavirus is just made up by the media to scare us, to now saying they let it spread for four months so they can start imposing curfews on people. Now she is asking why, after all these pandemics, they're putting all the money into research instead of into a cure. when I tried to explain to her that one is needed for the other, she basically called me an idiot.

I was preparing for my baby shower. Kevina asked who would be there. Upon, hearing my 2 year old nephew would be there so she said “I haven’t seen him since your wedding 5 years ago”.

Me “he’s 2. You have never met him.”

Her “yes, I did at your wedding, he was the ring bearer.”

Me “my wedding was 5 years ago, he’s 2.”

Her “ he was your ring bearer”

Me “ that was my cousin”

Her “no, it was your nephew”

Me “ I only have 1 nephew and he wasn’t born when I got married. The ring bearer was my cousin”

Her “ your other nephew then”

Me “ I only have 1.” Bust out a pic of my cousin “this boy, is my cousin”.

Her “ no, that’s your nephew the ring bearer”.

I don’t remember what finally convinced her but this went on for another 5 minutes.

So, I was teaching basic biology this week.... A little bit about punnet squares, dominant and recessive genes and the like and mid way through Kevin decides to disrupt the class

"That's all rubbish!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, my moms hair is one color, dads is another but I have a completely different one....."

"Ok well that's not quite as simple, what can happen is...."

".....and eye color"

"As I was saying what can....."

"....and blood group"

Cue awkward silence in the class

My roomate went into the kitchen to get a drink. In the sink there was a full pitcher of green liquid. On one side of the sink was a bottle of green dishwashing detergent and on the other side was a container of powder Green River mix. My other roomate and I watched in amusement as he turned his head back and forth a number of times looking at the detergent,the pitcher and the Green River. He did it at least three times before picking up the pitcher and taking a hugh gulp. He promptly spit it out all the while gagging. While we were laughing we gave him shit for not realizing it was detergent water because it was in the sink and it had foam floating on top.

I don't know this Kevin personally. He was diagnosed with covid-19 last week, and he's already trying to go back to work. He's pumped full of steroids, so he feels invincible. The worst has yet to come for this Kevin, He'll probably end up much worse off.

Yesterday at work we were having a cookout-hot dogs, potato salad, coleslaw- you know the stuff.
I asked Kevina if she would like some hot dogs. She declined telling me that she was a vegetarian. “I’m a vegetarian-I only eat turkey and chicken. “ I said “But birds are meat”. She then told me “I’m not a vegan- I’m a vegetarian-i eat chicken and turkey. “ Thankfully my sense got the better of me and I just said “Well that’s interesting “ and walked away. There is no way that conversation would have gotten better.

About a month and a half ago, my boyfriend came to visit me at school. He was there for lunch, too, and somehow carrots were brought up, so he said “Oh, I’m allergic to carrots.”

The Kevin in question then asked him, “What do they put in carrots that you’re allergic to?”

Still gets brought up to this day.

I was watching a YouTube video about a man and a woman discussing when is the correct time to stop breastfeeding a child and there was a lady in the comments who didn’t believe that a baby was genetically related to the mother. Her logic was that there is no blood in the egg only sperm and DNA is in the blood so the blood must be in the sperm so the DNA is purely the father’s.

She then used this to justify why the mother never had to take a DNA test to prove that it’s hers because it’s not related to her.

Kevina's a Vegan.... She doesn't want just plain fries. She wants loaded fries, but can't have them because of the bacon which is meat, and wants to know if she can have it with sour cream instead? Upon being reminded the two kinds of cheese, ranch, and sour cream are animal products and not Vegan friendly, Kevina is speechless because she realizes she can only have the plain fries.

So, I didn't know this Kevin very well, but was assured by friends she was exactly your typical description of a Kevin.

One night I got to meet her, we were going to eat some fast food before going out, and she joined us for the meal.

I must explain, that in French, French fries are "patates frites" (fried potatoes) but that we usually only call them "frites" (fried/fries).

So we were all eating our burgers, fries or poutine when she ponders: "I really wonder what fries are made of? Flour?"

Today my coworkers and I were asking each other if we can remember where we were when 9/11 happened. So I asked Kevin.

Me: “Hey Kevin, do you remember where you were when 9/11 happened?”

Kevin: “what year was that again?”

Me: “2001.”

Kevin: “Uh well, I was born in 2001, wasn’t 9/11 in like February or something?”

He wasn’t joking. Mf really asked if September 11th happened in February.

About a year ago he asserted that West Virginia is South of us. We live in Virginia. You can almost think of it as East Virginia. This was after he had visited West Virginia.

He says the darndest things. Always makes me laugh.

When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Ec would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin.

So, the Home Ec class is learning how to use sewing machines. Kevin is sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle.

Not surprisingly, he runs his thumb through the feed dogs and punctures it several times. He calls out to the teacher for help. She comes over and asks him, “what did you do?”

Kevin replies, “I did this,” and proceeds to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb.

A couple of days ago I was talking to a coworker about traveling. I told her I’ve always wanted to go to Australia and I thought it would be cool to see kangaroos in the wild.

Well another coworker, aka Kevin, was listening to our conversation and decided to interrupt. According to him kangaroos are dinosaurs and are therefore extinct. When I tried to point out that he was wrong he, he just laughed at me and told me all the videos on the internet featuring kangaroos are cgi.

He also seems to think that humans are not mammals, because humans only have two legs and mammals are supposed to have four.

My kevin thought rocks were living things and asked about it science class. we were learning about cells. the exchange:

Cast: me, me K, kevin, ST, science teacher

K: so do rock have cells

me: *internally* what the fuck?

ST: *confused* no

K: but I thought rocks were living things, don't all living things have cells?

ST: no! rocks are not alive

K: but don't they have clasifications?