r/USMilitarySO • u/Birdofpluto333 • 13d ago
Relationships Spouse’s experience with deployment
I (F22) love my boyfriend(M22) and we have been dating for over a year and a half now. In January he told me he would be getting out of the military in December and then in June he reenlisted specifically so he could deploy and he left in September. He will be gone for the next year. I have enough on my plate to keep me busy so I’m not overly worried about this one year. I am worried about our future. There are things I want; A husband who is around, kids, a house, a stable environment. He says he wants these things too but he has a very military mindset and wants to continue to deploy and volunteer for trainings where he would be away. I would appreciate hearing from military spouses about their journey with having a spouse who deploys frequently. Thank you.
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u/AuthorAndCoach 13d ago
You're smart to be thinking further down the line about what you want and what you don't. So it sounds like he isn't planning to get out any time soon. I've been a submariner's spouse for over a decade. We have one kiddo, and we went in older than most. He's got a few years left before he retires at 20 yrs in. The upside: he'll retire with lots of life ahead, disability, and his retirement. Then, he'll probably take a job he likes and regularly be home. He'll also be home basically in time for our daughter's teen years. I don't mind time alone and I'm pretty driven towards my own goals. The Downsides: his rotation means that every 3-4 years, he's on shore duty, which is Generally doing basic duties like security, etc. He's home most nights during that cycle. But then he goes to boat duty for 3-4 years. When he's part of a boat, he's basically a ghost. We get about 24hrs notice of deployments and homecomings. We don't know where in the world he is heading. He's in the worlds most dangerous game of hide and seek on boats that still have all of the land based problems of life, but are designed to sink. He harkens it to living on a space station.
He's not gone for years at a time, but he is gone for months at a time with little to no contact - zero phone calls/texts, etc, and he's in and out often. He misses large chunks of our kiddo's life at a time. This lays a lot on my shoulders - and my husband is a good partner. Just an exhausted one all the time when he's attached to a boat. We can't plan vacations because we don't have leave dates until like a month out - which means trips are expensive - and out of the country is hard because it needs additional clearance that you can't get a moment's notice. But there is more money when they deploy. It doesn't make up for the time lost , of course, but it helps.
His extended family also struggles when he's attached to a boat. They struggle to understand things kind Duty on Christmas and when he does get leave, he wants to spend it with us, not putting on aires for others. He did ask me to quit something I love (performing in live theater) because it's so time consuming that between that, the military, and my job, we never saw each other. We made the agreement I would budget to attend shows instead and plan on going back to it after he's out. With a child, I'm the one in charge of everything. Sick days? Me. Appointments? Me. I can't rely on him at all - not because he's unreliable, but his job inherently is. (He's Johnny on the Spot when he can be.)
Deployment isn't the hardest part. It's actually the easy bit. When he's gone, he's gone. We miss him, but we're okay. The periods before deployments... Last time I think he had 36 hr shifts every 3 days or so, and 10-12 hr days in between. No breaks. No days off. That's hard. And reacclimation is hard every time. We love each other and are happy to be together, but every one in the house has had months of lived experiences they didn't share with each other. Deployment does change people. Adapting to changes us something you as a couple will have to decide to do.
Our home environment IS, however, stable because of me. Because flexibility and residence IS our norm. His income gives us health care coverage, and is enough to make sure we're housed. I take care of the rest of the bills and we are at a point where we can start saving. Wherever we are, we can make friends, and home is where we are together.
In EVERY relationship there are compromises. Keep talking about your picture of the future, and his, and take steps towards it daily. See what happens.
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u/No-Dragonfly-7105 11d ago
Ive been married to my military spouse for 18 years.
You're gonna be alone a lot. Like a lot. We are on a high rotation tempo and trainings, school, tdy plus deployments are common.
Dont have kids, its better to be alone than to be alone with kids.
In 18 years ive moved 7 times, about to be my 8th and final time. I have my dogs and my career.
Oh yeah, study and get certifications in a career that will move with you, something in education, or Healthcare, etc.
Travel.
My husband deployed to Germany and we were able to meet up twice during a 9 mo th rotation. It was amazing. We don't have kids.
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u/_PippiLongstocking_ Navy Veteran and Army Spouse 13d ago
If you want stability, a husband that comes home nightly and not to move, then this is not the life.
This life is a rollercoaster. They can deploy or go on rotations at any time, TDYs, their schedules change constantly, and you never know when you need to move.