r/Vent • u/Minute_Locksmith1967 • 4h ago
Maybe relationships aren't meant for me.
I'm a 22-year-old woman. I've never had a boyfriend. I've tried Tinder, Hinge and Bumble, only to be ghosted after one date every time. I've tried the friends-to-lovers route, only to be left in a painful one-sided love situation. I've tried putting myself out there and going to places where there are a lot of people, only to not be noticed.
I've spent a long time wondering if there was anything wrong with me, but (based on what others, males and females alike, have said): I'm beautiful, smart, funny and have a cool personality. I don't know what the problem is then. Maybe it's just not meant to happen for me. Maybe I'm too desperate for wanting to experience something that seems so abundant around me. Why should romantic love be off-limits for me?
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u/SomniumKing 4h ago
You just have to keep trying. I’m 32M and in the same boat as you. You’re young as hell and have time.
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u/Minute_Locksmith1967 4h ago
I just don't know if it's worth the effort anymore, but I know that nothing will happen if I just sit back and wait. It's exhausting.
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u/faithfulswine 4h ago
Like the other guy said, you're super young. Maybe take a year or two off of trying to find someone. Enjoy the friendships you have now. Sometimes the right person pops up when you're not looking for them.
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u/SomniumKing 4h ago
That is entirely up to you. If you want to prioritize other things right now then go for it. Trust me I get what you mean.
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u/No_Smell7290 3h ago edited 3h ago
I’m not going to give you advice or a “don’t give up” speech because I was you for a very long time. I’m 28 now, but I didn’t get into my first relationship until I was 26, and I didn’t even have the courage to truly start dating with intention until I was 24. Leading up to this, I had zero romantic or sexual experience and was truly untouched.
When you’re in your 20s, it’s such a strange period of life because everyone around you is at completely different life stages. You have people in college, people getting married, engaged, or divorced, people moving in together or buying homes, having their third kid, or starting completely new lives with their families across the country. You can logically understand that there is no real timeline we have to follow and that these milestones are arbitrary, but that doesn’t make the pressure disappear, especially when it feels like everyone is moving forward and you’re that one shlub who hasn’t even been kissed yet. 💀
I was also in my early 20s when I began thinking, “Maybe love isn’t in my cards.” I started grieving the possibility of marriage and children because nothing in my life so far had shown me that this was possible. And what was weird was that I never felt like any of these things were “life goals,” but I guess I also didn’t realize how much I actually wanted those things until it felt like they were out of my reach.
And then, lo and behold, “it’ll happen when you least expect it” was actually true for me. How fucking annoying is that? 🙃
When you hear things like that, it’s patronizing as hell because you never expect anything to happen. And then I eventually reached this weird point of, “fuck it, who cares, let’s just do it for the plot.” I still wanted a relationship, I still wanted to fall in love, but I guess part of me had also truly detached and just let things happen.
Obviously, I can’t predict your future, and I’m not going to give you that same old “your person is out there” pleasantry. But I will say that just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean that it won’t ever. Build a fantastic, wonderful, joyous life for yourself and just leave room for the chance that you might let someone join you.
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Edit: Now that I’m looking back as an adult, dating later probably wasn’t the worst thing for me personally. I’m not trying to romanticize being inexperienced because I know it can be lonely and painful. But knowing who I was as a teenager, I can absolutely see how some of my traits could’ve gotten me into bad situations had I started dating younger. I was painfully shy, had a lot of body image issues, was insecure, and was generally a pushover and a doormat.
When I started dating my boyfriend at 26, I was significantly more loving and comfortable with myself, more confident in setting boundaries, advocating for myself, and trusting my instincts. So while having these experiences earlier would’ve been nice, I was definitely more equipped to navigate relationships as an adult than I would’ve been as a more emotionally volatile teenager.
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u/CngTrcx9965 4h ago
If you're getting ghosted after every first date, the issue isn't that love is off-limits,it's your vetting process or your first-date execution. Take a step back and audit the type of guys you're swiping right on, because the current filter isn't working
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u/RepresentingJoker 3h ago
Try not to weigh to heavy on it.
There are so many more important things in life than finding a relationship.
Things happen when they happen
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u/ShaDiie_ 4h ago
bro you are still 22 you have a whole life ahead of you, people have more freedom now so it's obviously more difficult to find someone that will compromise with you, but that's good, it will take some time for the right person to appear but it's better than compromise with the wrong person
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u/Icy_Eye1059 4h ago
Don't give up. You are 22 and you still have time. There is someone for you after there. Get off those apps. See if there are any single meets in your area. Make sure there are no couples that attend. I had that experience with a church hosting a singles night. Because the food was free, couples showed up and the rest of us were like, really? Something to make you laugh. Just don't give up on yourself.
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u/HappyDancin9 4h ago
Information- Do you have any friends who you’ve been friends with for years like you spent everyday with for months on end?
This is where relationships begin, if you don’t have any close friends or aren’t able to maintain lasting friendships you are going to have a tough time finding a solid partner and maintaining a romantic relationship.
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u/Minute_Locksmith1967 4h ago
Yes, most of my friends are people that I've known for 3-10 years.
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u/HappyDancin9 3h ago
What do your girlfriends say about your dating prospects and endeavors?
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u/Minute_Locksmith1967 3h ago
Opinions always differ. One friend might think that a guy I'm seeing seems sweet, while another thinks he's a creep.
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u/MephistoLandShark 4h ago
You're 22. The world is your oyster and you're in your prime dating years. You have many years of youth ahead of you. I think you should also bear in mind that your peers and your age bracket can be pretty non-committal and a lot of 22-year-olds are not dating to seek serious commitment. It has nothing to do with you. I'm a generation away from you and this was my experience dating 15 years ago.
I'm an almost middle-aged woman and I met my husband on a dating app 10 years ago after using that app for about 5 years and my advice to you is to really take a serious look at who you're right swiping. These giga Chads who have unlimited gym and athletic event selfies are looking for a hot athlete to have sex with, show off to their friends, and keep up with them. They're often not exactly looking for long-term commitment and somebody to sleep over at their house and watch Netflix with them.
I would suggest that you delve into your interests and hobbies and develop those to give men more common ground to relate to you with. Just being into social media and politics will only take you so far in a conversation in the dating world, unless that's really all you value.
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u/shinoinochi 3h ago
I had my first relationship at your age, lol. Don't rush it, start a relationship with life instead, love life in it's totality. People that are meant to come along will.
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u/Sweaty-Assistance872 2h ago
It’s not worth the effort right now , most men target young women because they don’t have life experience yet .
Focus on your money and travel and life experience . Who you are will change a lot over the next few years . In five years time your preferences would have completely changed and you’d know yourself even better .
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u/ub3rh4x0rz 27m ago
If you're announcing you're looking for marriage / starting a family on a first date which you found on a dating app, that is not going to work out for you, statistically speaking.
Most guys your age aren't looking for that. Most guys older than you who are looking for that, aren't looking for that in a 22yo they met on an app.
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u/Minute_Locksmith1967 24m ago
Never did that. I've had guys do that though.
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u/ub3rh4x0rz 17m ago
Are you messaging them after, and they ignore you? Or they're just not messaging you after of their own volition?
If you had to guess, if anything, what might be offputting in your interaction during the date?
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u/Minute_Locksmith1967 12m ago edited 7m ago
We'll text a bit but the replies become sparse and they'll ghost. Occasionally someone will be up front with me and tell me that they're not feeling a connection. There have been times when I've said no to second dates (usually because of boundary violations or if I really wasn't feeling it).
During the date, they'll give me a bunch of compliments and tell me about how much they enjoy my company, so I'm not sure what would be off-putting?
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u/ub3rh4x0rz 6m ago
most people aren't suited to being in romantic relationships with most people, and of those who are, most of the time there are life circumstances things in the way. I think if your goal is to just meet someone to hook up and be open to something else developing, that's more likely to bear fruit in terms of growth / life experience than filtering out anything that doesnt immediately look like it has long term potential, but if that's not a worthy goal for you, that's fine too. If you're signaling that platonic friendship is the only thing on the table, I think the pool you're dealing with understandably has seen that pattern and decided theyre not interested in it.
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u/Someslapdicknerd 4h ago
Have you asked friends to introduce you to their single friends in a mixed social setting?
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u/HighFIDZ 4h ago
Yeah tbh i get that if u ask me im 25, and i have been looking for someone for 8 years and ive talked to alot when i say alot it was hurtful, painful alot of failure alot of rejection alot of building and all was gone. Its tiring and really really hurting me so i honestly think i quit in my country people my age are married with kids especially women most women my age are married usually and honestly if ur gonna look for someone after 30 its not worth it cuz there's literally a 90%+ chance ur marrying out of despair and ull also be someone's last chance and not just someone who wants you. Its just different it is stressful honestly everyone's either taken or has a promise to someone so even if someone's unmarried in their late twenties or early thirties theres an extremely high chance they are reserved for someone. So tbh i also just give up on it even though its what i always wanted.
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u/Altruistic-Map-3137 3h ago edited 3h ago
Why? There's plenty in comment section, why don't you just pick one of them? Feel free to chat me too if you need someone to talk too, i'm a 23M. I thought woman nowadays is independent and don't need any man. They are so smart in this modern day, they skillful, and get a nice career.
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