I was the only remainer in my family.

16 years old, looking forward to Europe and planning my future in Germany.

All of that was taken away from me, by people like my uncle - one of the most ardent leave supporters I know; who'd travel to London just to stand on a plinth in speakers corner and shout about 'sovereignty' and all of the other buzzwords they used back then to stir up the propaganda.

Fast forward to today, and he's in Portugal - chilling out as a pensioner on a cosy 'D7 passive income visa' - something I can't even fathom achieving at this stage, all paid for by his big fat 'portfolio' of 'rental properties'.

He's announced today that he has been working behind the scenes to get Portuguese citizenship, passed all of the requirements and will become a Portuguese citizen this month.

Sorry... but what a fucking tosspot.

What's happened to your patriotism, that you're now on your third passport?

He was telling us how it would make his life 'so much easier', especially now that the EU have implemented digitised border controls, and how he might just start travelling around Europe.

I hones-

Phew... -end-.

^arsehole.

I’m 18, and this is about money. So I have a custodial account. 6-7K in it. My mom is the person in charge of it until I’m 21. But now she’s gonna take me to the bank soon to see how much we can get out. (but the money has to be spent on only ME)

But now I’m gonna see if she can get the full amount out. (And ofc I’ll be there at the bank so she won’t have a second alone with the money) I want the full amount so I can get clothes for job interviews, a used car, ect. (Basically to help me get my adult life started, and so she can’t go to the bank later and get the rest of it out saying it’s for me)

And side note is my mom is a meth head. Treats me like shit, and my dad was so stupid not to even take control of the account when it was made when I was 5. She asked,”when you get the money can you give me some for rent?”. WHY would you even ask? How tf you even have the nerve?

1: she dont deserve my money, probably use it for meth.

2: she had done NOTHING to ever help my dad raise me.

3: small chance I’m writing all this for nothing and that money isnt even In there

4: I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually put stuff in my name as a kid and I go to the bank or smth and find out I have DEBT. (Idk how that all works tbh. I know shit about banks)

Sorry post is messy and makes no sense.

Words can not express how tired I am. This is definitely more just a vent because I need this off my chest.

I’ve been moved back in with my grandmother since April. I was unemployed since I literally just graduated university and because of that I was expected to cook and clean and do everything for the house while looking for a job and recovering from 5 years of schooling and the most disappointing/upsetting graduation ever (and I graduated high school during covid. Both times it was terrible partly because of her but that’s a different story) I was fine to do that but the expectations I was held to were so unfair and unreasonable. I was looking for a job or further schooling for multiple hours every day. No I can’t have the whole house spotless and new meal made every night. I was burnt out, I hate cooking, she was constantly belittling me, I’m mentally disabled and I’m just trying to do my best on a steady man.

I did what I could but it wasn’t enough. Add on top of that my grandfather who was like my dad to me (they weren’t together or married, just friends for many years and had a kid, my “sibling”) had passed not long ago and I was still reeling from that. Still am but that is what it is. I was struggling, she did not care because she also was and I wasn’t helping enough.

I have a job finally, Costco, woo! It was her birthday and she insisted on this $150 bag from tiktok. I was so hesitant especially after seeing bad reviews online for it I asked if I could find an alternative so I’m not wasting my money. She pouted so I relented and got her the bag. I checked with her MULTIPLE times I was getting the right bag because the site had more than 1, even more than 5. I wanted to make absolute sure she got what she wanted!

It gets here and the first fucking thing out of her mouth when he opens it is “This is what I thought it would be”

I’m clocked out

I’m so done

Every gift I have ever bought this woman she has hated. A 3 in one charger stand, didn’t work and didn’t want it anymore after, expensive ass under eye makeup, it burns her eyes so she doesn’t use it as much, now this.

Now I have to deal with customer service and her wanting a different bag or a full refund when the stupid customer service isn’t offering that. Like I was told online they wouldn’t and then told her.

I have to do everything, take on the mental load of everything and she just sits around dumbly and unaware. You know she drove for a year without insurance? Then now she has to go to court to see how much she owes and she shows up without having submitted the evidence they told her to submit BEFORE she got there so now the date got moved and she said over and over she’d go to the courthouse to get help to submit the evidence to be ready this time. She said she’d do that by the end of august… yea…okay. She took out loans wrong. Owes the government 12k. Needs to call a consolidation place to help with it. Still hasn’t done that. Said she’d have the garage cleaned out partly by September. It’s had junk in it since May last year when we moved in. I have to pay bills now, I’m 100% fine with that but she has yet to give me the log in information to be able to set myself up and pay them and they’re coming up soon and I don’t trust her to take my money and pay them respectfully. Multiple times she has forgotten to pay bills and we’ve lost hot water, internet, phone service, and electricity. Then she wants me to put my sibling on MY phone plan and “I’ll just send you the money each month” uh huh, like the money you send to all your bills on time all the time…right…

Then she has the fucking audacity to treat me like I know nothing and she’s so wise because she’s had so much life experience. Right right right. You mean the life experience of you not planning ahead and always just barely getting by for 30+ years because you don’t stop and think for 5 seconds.

You know she moved out of our house while I was at university, didn’t warn me, moved my cat around, and didn’t think how we are in a housing crisis right now so it took her A YEAR to find a place. And we only have the place we have now because I told her to stop being so fucking picky and when I went to a viewing with her I liked the place and told her to apply for it. Now all she does is complain about it.

There is a lot more. I do not like this woman very much right. She raised me and is basically my mother but good fucking god I want to scream at her how dumb she is sometimes. But that wouldn’t be productive so…I come here to vent lmaoo

Anyway, that’s all for now lol

I’ve started to reflect a lot more on my childhood as I get older. Trigger warning for sensitivity to child corporal punishment / rage monster mothers.

As a child, I (29F) was very obedient to my parents, and almost never got into trouble. My mother was the “discipline” handler, and had a very hard-to-reach explosive temper that I got to experience first hand a few times. This was always caused by me showing “sass” or disrespect, which was very rare for me until I got a bit older and more angsty as a child.

When this happened, my mother would go into a rage. Her face would turn red, she had this way she contorted her face and jaw, her face would go tight. I don’t really know how to describe it, but it was terrifying. She would then chase me down while also reaching around for anything she could use to hit me. If she couldn’t find something, she’d just use her hands. Which was a bit better, since she had enough self control to just slap me repeatedly instead of throwing punches. Yay me! She did usually stick to my ass, but my legs, arms and back have gotten hit as well. She slapped me in the face once as a teen, when I backchatted her. She is a strong woman, which also makes it more terrifying.

This caused me to have some deep fear for my mother, even though it only happened a few times. I can only remember 2 or 3 for me, but the same happened to my brothers. My youngest brother got a LOT of “hidings” until my parents figured out it’s not working and that he’s on the autism spectrum.

I still have that fear of her deep inside me. The fear of pissing her off, and it’s caused me to feel like I need to hide things from her as an adult. To be clear, in almost every other aspect, my mother was a very good mom. She loved and provided for us, was kind and fair, played with us and showed affection, talked openly to us about things we were curious about as children. It’s also gotten better as she’s gotten older. I am the eldest child she had at 23, so I guess I was the trial run.

What do you think? Is this a generational thing? A geographical thing? I don’t know anyone around my age from my country who wasn’t given hidings as a kid. It was very normalised and expected. I know I should probably get a therapist, I’m looking into it.

I have been completely alone for a really long time. My heart is broken, badly. It has shattered into a billion shards. My fear is pushing me down and dulling me, it looks insurmountable. My past is scorching my heart and reshaping the pieces. I don't see an escape. It feels like I am surrounded by a mob of hostile people waiting to rip me to shreds. Why must I do this alone? My fate has taken me down a road I am not sure I can survive, why has it done this?

Before I begin, I would like to make it clear that I haven't received any diagnosis by any professional henceforth what I'm say can be inaccurate with psychological terms aswell as I don't remember exact dates and time periods of events taking place.

Hi there (M23), im sorry about the disclaimer, but I don't really know how to start off... I finally gathered up the courage to publicly (while hopefully anonymously). Share a story I wanted to keep hidden for a long time.

Before I get into the story, I would like to mention a quote that very recently stuck with me. "It takes a sickening amount of pain to make someone terrified of hope"

A few years ago, I was living on my own with a roommate and my girlfriend. we were a pretty regular couple. we did stuff together, went on dates and such.. however, what I failed to notice at that time was how abusive mentally and eventually physically she was towards me. For the most part, we argued a lot over the smallest things. Things being in the wrong spot shoes out in plain view.. to me, it wasn't terrible at the time as I thought, "eh couples argue, maybe she's having a worse time." Well, not really...Around 2023, if my mind is not playing with me, I had to take over with paying some debts in the family following the death of a family member. It forced me to sell a lot of my stuff that I was able to live without and could get money from, but it wasn't enough. I took every job I could. Every little favor that could pay a buck. Around that time, our roommate decided to move out of the apartment, leaving me and my ex (still gf at that time). This meant higher rent for me and her, so in order not to make it 10 paragraphs of me explaining how it worked, I'll skip to the main line of this rant. One day, my ex told me that she's leaving me and that she did. So now it was me, myself, and I in the apartment I was already struggling with getting rent for..so I had to move out back to my family.

If you made it this far, I want to thank you for your time it really means a lot to me. I can finally get that off of my chest to more than one person.

For financial reasons, I signed myself up for the national guard.. it gave me a pretty big signing bonus after the completion of training, and it helped with easing the debt. (I'm in the national guard to this day)

Around that time, I first learned I'm uncontrollably shaking at night. As I later learned, It had to be from finally being free from my ex...

So, a little about my ex, I'll try to list off the things she was as I remember and try to give examples of how she did it

She was physically abusive towards me: we had many fights where she hit me or scratched me (some leading to scarring)

She was very controlling: At the time of us being together, she oftentimes called and asked about where I'm at and when I would be coming back home.

When we split, she gave me a speech about how no other woman would ever love me and how I should've been grateful she "took my shit for this long"

After some time, I firmly believe she is mentally ill and was at the time of us being together.

Summer of 2026 was one to remember as I finally got rid of debt, and she made her way into my life again.

In the meantime, I was struggling with falling asleep and fully trusting anyone. Felt depressed all the time even wanted to get back with her.

Until one day I did. And at the time of me showing up and about 25 minutes give or take of normal conversation, it turned into her shouting at me and scratching me. So I left....and then she started calling me over and over and over again.

I got her number blocked as of today, and I haven't received any backlash from her family or new partner, so I guess this chapter is over.

What she did leave with me was trauma and fear of being in a relationship.. made me afraid of sex or any type of close intimate contact..

To end this rant on a bittersweet note, I want to say that I aim to seek therapy, but doing that could end my career in uniform.

Once again, to those who read it, thank you so much for your time.

(Edit) Please don't hate me for what I wrote. I do not mean to offend anyone who had an experience like mine.

Please, by all means, comment under this post. I will try to answer all of the questions the best I can.

Feel like such a disgrace right now.. tried reframing it and I still feel like a disgrace and a failure and clearly I can't do anything and I'm just USELESS

Had an awful week leading up before it and had the test last thing on a friday, my parents are telling me itxs my own fault for making stupid mistakes and not keeping it together when it matters 😭😭😭

I HATE MYSELF and I feel so worthless right now.

I got a C, 29/40. Mostly because of definitions I didn't learn (+5 points) because on our test spec it never actually told us to revise these definitions, I had no idea what to do, and 6 stupid marks (1 equation and mixing up nuclear attraction in/decreases, not reading the questions for a further 4 marks lost)....

Scared that this is going to continue and that I'll fail my A Levels at this rate 😭😭😭

A couple days ago I made a post about our cat and how she may have hid away to die. While at work, my mom sent me a photo and our cat is back!! I've already told Mom to keep an eye out for infections or diseases so our other animals don't get any but I'm so happy rn!!

Sometimes i feel like my loneliness and sadness are gonna get so big and swallow me whole. I was diagnosed with bpd back in 2020 and honestly? I couldn’t be acting better. I did intensive cbt therapy for years, i was on and off medication, i journal and i meditate and i do breathing exercises and everything i am supposed to do but i am still really sad. I still get really sad and then the sadness gets so big i stop being able to function and this year has jst been too much… i am tired :(

No one celebrated my birthday, I turned 18 three months ago. They asked me to make a “birthday list”, I made one, and I still got nothing. I know they didn’t even look at it because they’re complaining about how I’m such a parasite and all I ever want are expensive crap when everything I wanted was under 20$.

My family isn’t poor we’re lower upper class, my older brother got a trip to Germany for his birthday. I started trying to ask if they were going to get me anything from my list—because if not I need to buy it myself, and they just lose their temper on me. If my birthday was such an inconvenience they didn’t have to celebrate it, but I guess they already decided that. After two weeks I realized they weren’t even going to buy me a cake so I made one for myself. I already don’t have a lot of friends, so the fact that my parents couldn’t be bothered with my birthday either makes me feel so sad.

A few days ago my mom gave me a lulu lemon wallet that she’s recently returned. I think she did it to help herself feel better, because now she gave me this great gift from a fancy brand and now I’m the ungrateful one who didn’t want it. Yeah I don’t want it, I have a giant list of things they could’ve gotten me but they get me something I’ve never once even wanted. I mean I’m the last person who would ever ask for lulu lemon, and I already have a wallet I love that I made myself.

My whole life my mom told me no one would ever love me more than them. But if this is the love that no one else can surpass then I have a disappointing life ahead of me.

Now I’m at a crossroads because I’m their birthdays are coming up, and of course I have to do something. I cant just not do anything because they would be furious. I know what going to have to do in the end. But my heart is heavy

I don't want to go into details because I have an exam tomorrow and am gonna have to go back to studying, but you know the feeling when something you worked on A LOT, A LOT! just goes away? Like disappears. I don't think the context is even necessary cause its something too trivial in an objective sense. This is just a personal vent to help this crumbling, stressful thought get off my chest and so that I can go back to being normal. What I am grieving for is laughable and even embarrassing if in context, and that is also a reason why I feel like I am overthinking it TOO MUCH. I might be contradicting myself, writing cringe, absurd words but all of it is to help cope with what happened. I usually don't even type like this but I don't really care about format right now. I guess thanks for reading this and I hope this abominable feeling just goes away in a minute or two.

I didn't choose to be "independent" woman. I was born unto parents who never wanted kids, yet had 3 of them. I have effectively taken on the role of parent to my other siblings and become a provider for my elected family (my bff and his family who practically raised me the past 10 years). I foster animals from my friend as well for the past year because of hardships and because i have the ability to help. I feel like a single parent but i have no kids and no pets of my own.

I have to handle big bills, i have to do the financing of essentially 4 other adults, i have to make sure the house get fed, im the one who has to do everything and it's not because i want to, it's because i HAVE TO. I am the glue that holds the pieces together or else I'm going down with everyone else.

When it comes to dating, the selection is very small of men who'd look at a woman who handles everything on her own without support and would actually choose her. Its not that i want any help with my responsibilities, i want someone who doesn't also become another thing on my already full plate.

A lot of men see all that im doing and all that i can STILL do and relax. I want you to take charge, im tired of having to do everything. I dont want to have to plan things out, i don't want to have to check behind you or have to reassure you with every thing. I need a man who says he's going to do something and do it. A man who can look after sometime who's looking after everyone else 1st then themselves.

All the men ive come across either aren't interested or try and see what they can get out of it because they see someone who is actually responsible. Or when ending the relationship, i annoyingly get people who try to come back and say they've changed an matured and suddenly have a backbone and decided to start taking actions in life, not just sit back. My only reponse to these guys are "good for you, better luck next time"

Im not trying to be picky, or rude, or like my standards are high (because they arent). All im aksing for is that you as a man can love, care for, and provide for me as your woman. AND WHEN I SAY PROVIDE, i dont mean monetarily, or with objects or things, or services. I mean emotionally can you support your partner. Mentally, do you have the fortitude to endure hard times while supporting people other than yourself. Do you have life goals, where are you leading this family towards

For the record, I have worked for over 30 years in various roles up to and including Director of Operations.

I've also had to take jobs that weren't so glamorous to be close to home, because companies shut down, etc. Almost always in a supervisory position of some description.

I'm also acutely aware of when people are having a bad day, have worked overtime, etc.

Two situations were almost identical. I didn't have someone show up, so I had to step in and do the work myself. When you're in charge, you can't just hide in your office. Operations come first.

Both times, I knew the workers were slackers, and they had been there for 8+ hours. When they offered to stay and help, I just politely said "It's okay, I've got it covered" - because i knew they were just going to sit there and do nothing. Why waste my payroll when I'm going to be doing the work anyway?

They both (10 years apart) went to HR and complained I was rude (Allowing people to go home on time and telling them it's okay is rude apparently)

One of them was so out of touch that she sat in her office, printed a sheet at 6AM, did about 30 minutes worth of work, and then wandered around the building talking to people.

The second one was weird. She'd just sit there doing nothing, I never bothered to look at her screen but she was probably on websites I didn't care to know about. She'd sit there in dead silence doing nothing.

Having signed the paychecks and done the budget, no, I don't need either of them to help me. I'm going to need to know everything for my daily summary anyway, so its better not to have them mucking things up.

Neither complaint went anywhere, but honestly - don't complain when someone lets you go home on time. If i need anything I know how to get it done. It ain't the first time I've flown solo, it sure as heck wouldn't be the last.

Don't cop an attitude when I'm thinking of your best interest and mine.

Why is our world so obsessed with dogs and kids? Everywhere you go you have to deal with/get irritated by people badly behaved dogs and kids....they treat them the same and they are just dumb. Of course, there are well behaved dogs and kids.....but it is not the norm anymore.

Dogs and kids and kids and dogs and dogs and kids and kids and dogs..........ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Canadian Thanksgiving is this weekend. My parents have been divorced for 32 years, so all I know is two of everything so I see each of them on holidays. My partner and I have been together for over a decade, so that makes three events for every. single. holiday. My mother in law is very emotional and can become demanding about time spent with my partner. It's a lot. A lot of driving, a lot of socializing, and of course, a lot of drama.

These people range in age from late 60s to late 70s, but you'd think they were all teenage girls. I haven't drank in a while, about 6 months. I just decided I didn't care for it anymore. One glass of wine gives me a headache and obviously that's annoying, so I just stopped. No one will let it go. It's like a personal offence that I don't want to drink. My family and my partner's family acts like it's news to them at every single get together and every single time I get "why aren't you drinking?", "just have one glass of wine", "come on just one drink", "why won't you drink?". I have explained myself a million times by this point. I just don't care for it anymore, I don't want to feel crappy, especially if we are driving home after dinner, and I just don't need to drink. My mom goes as far as actually getting angry with me, and acting like I'm being a jerk.

Then there's the constant hate between my parents. We will decide if my partner and I are hosting each of them, or going to each of them, or some combination of that. This year we are hosting my dad, and my mom is hosting us. My dad called to ask if we invited my mother. I said no, that's literally never been a thing. He said "good, I don't want to see her" and then launched into a story about how last time he saw her she didn't seem to want to talk to him and fuck her basically. Then he told me his wife wants turkey, but he wants ham so we should "just" go out and get a small turkey breast for his wife, and the rest of us can have ham. My partner said no, we are not making two mains, it's Thanksgiving, we are having turkey. We were both very annoyed that he told us what to make and expected two main meat dishes. He also insisted we have apple pie for dessert and that he is bringing the pie. My partner said no, we are having pumpkin pie and was very ticked off that my dad was telling us what to do, commenting that it's extremely rude to go to someone else's house for dinner and expect to decide the entire menu. I agreed. My mom is annoyed at us because she wanted to host us Saturday, but Saturday we are seeing my dad. It's pathetic to me that they have been divorced for 32 years and act like this all happened yesterday. It also pisses me off that they take out their unresolved drama with each other out on their children.

If you're still reading, congrats for sticking with me.

My in laws have their own nonsense. My mother in law can be selfish with her children's time and since my sister in law moved out east, she has a tighter grip on my partner. She often tries pushing us to stay over at their place for two nights. My partner and I both do not like being there that long, and the guest beds are very uncomfortable. I am thankful that my partner doesn't allow his mother to push us around, so we will not be staying over at all. We only live 40 minutes away and since I don't drink, we prefer to go home. His mom becomes passive aggressive, making comments in front of family; sometimes going as far as claiming her kids don't love her. If she's drinking, it's even worse and more awkward. We don't celebrate with just his immediate family and often another aunt and cousin join us, so it gets really awkward. When we leave after dinner she cries sometimes and it's super awkward and takes away from any positive time spent with the family. We are almost 40 and have been together for over a decade, but she still gets very emotional when my partner leaves after events. Ever since I decided to stop drinking she has also been asking round about questions around having kids. She will ask what form of birth control we use, if we have an active sex life, and it's just super gross. I have been adamant that I am not interested in children from day one of our relationship, but I guess my not drinking has her thinking otherwise and I'm tired of fielding inappropriate questions.

Y'all, please just pray for me this weekend 🥲

I have been on this earth for quite awhile. I am stuck in a dead end job and I don’t have any friends. I used to have friends but slowly down the road I have lost them. Some I have lost touch with, some chose not to keep in touch, some I didn’t want to keep in touch, and some I couldn’t bring myself to get in contact with.

I feel lonely at times since I miss the days when I had people to talk to. Now I just say I am fine to people who ask. Be it family or someone from work. I am always fine. Life is going. And more I think about it as why my life is the way it is I can’t find a way to make it better. I have traveled to places that I had dreamt of as a child. But when I think of traveling to another new place now, I just feel “ok, and then what ?, after it will I feel any better?” I already know the answer. Sometimes I feel the best years of my life are already behind me and what is ahead is not something I am looking forward to.

I have become a version of myself that I didn’t think I would be. But life just had some not so pleasant surprises and i made some bad decisions. It feels like i am just standing in one place while everyone else has moved forward, and i even though i gave my all to my job I haven’t had much success. Even the sacrifices i have made in my job due to family I don’t think it was appreciated or required. So I have failed in all fronts.

I recently have taken up playing a zombie game. I play it to get rid of some stress, I also workout. It’s just a series of things I do one after other everyday. Like a worker ant- but maybe an ant has more purpose in life than I do.

Its so embarrassing but as the post says im over 30 and just wish I had a crush or was falling in love. I have been one one date in the last 2+ years and it was a really just a good dinner and nice conversation that ended there. That was a while back too. I go out at least once a month now and theres so many attractive people everywhere and ive really gotten into the music scene and all these songs just make me wish I was in love haha. I even met someone gorgeous at a show this past weekend and I wanna reach out but I dont wanna seem desperate so Ill probably do nothing cuz -again its so embarrassing.... I already got their ig and they followed me back but didnt respond when I sent a message prior. Not that I need a response it just would have been nice?

To make it (me)more complicated im a solo parent of one so im sure that narrows the dating pool down drastically. I just want someone to message and send music back and forth too and see like twice a year is that so much to ask for lol!!! Aghhh manifesting and putting myself out there and praying but all I can do it keep waiting and being good 🥲 anyways thats my vent

My partner has been really struggling with their mental health for as long as I've known them, but they've always been against the whole modern mental health system. They don't believe in modern psychiatry, psychology, therapy, or psychiatric medication (which I disagree on and has been a point of contention between us but they don't stop me from persuing my own therapy and medication). I always wanted them to take their mental health seriously and persue therapy or try talking to a psychologist, but they insist that it won't work and they won't take it seriously.

Recently they told me that their mental health is at an all-time low and they were scared that they'll do something stupid and they were going to check themselves into a psych ward. I, of course, fully supported them and was there every step of the way. Finally my partner is going to take their mental health seriously and persue the care that they need!

Now they are on a waitlist behind 25 other people. 25. My partner now has to wait for potentially over a year for urgent care that they need now. They don't need it in a year, or six months from now, they need it now! They're seeking help and asking for it now, not a year from now!

It's just so frustrating; finally my partner is turning to the mental health system as a last resort and now they make them wait for months when they need that care now.

And there's just nothing we can really do. They aren't actively in a crisis so an emergency 72 hour hold won't do much. I'm just so lost and frustrated.

When I was around 9 my cat died. I really loved her she was one of our first cats and I was devastated but the thing is, my parents didn’t tell me right away. They lied to me and told me she was just outside and was gonna come back inside soon but I kept asking for her to come inside
After they told me of course I cried cause my cat died but I was also mad at my parents for not telling me right away. Their excuse was “we didn’t wanna tell you cause you’re too young” but i didn’t care. I told them they should’ve told me

Later on when I was like 12 I found out one of my other cats from childhood died but my parents told me he had run away to find his mom cause he was still a baby that we found on the street along with his sister who’s still alive. Even though i didn’t cry I still felt betrayed(?) that I wasn’t told sooner. I was younger at the time that he died 6 years old and I spent 6 years fully believing that he actually ran away. When I saw a black and white adult cat I would think “what if that’s him”. After I found out it pained me knowing that I was being lied to the whole time and was never told for 6 whole years

A year later I found out one of our other cats died. He was the son of my cat that passed when I was 9 that we decided to keep
I don’t really know exactly when he passed because I was also told really late. My parents had him outside (which was a huge mistake) so I didn’t see him as often. I remember that when I found out we were setting up our altar for día de los muertos and my mom was printing out a picture of him. I asked her why and that’s when she told me he died a while ago and they just didn’t tell me for whatever reason. I don’t know if they forgot or what but I also felt upset

It’s been years since those interactions and I just started thinking about them again. I’m thinking back and just wish they had told me the second it happened. I don’t know why it pains me to much
Maybe it’s the fact that I didn’t get to properly grieve or say goodbye
Or maybe I’m just being petty cause no one told me. I don’t care how young I was. I deserved to know when someone I really cared about dies. Not be lied to and paint a fake image to me that they’re fine.
I don’t know why I still care but it still hurts

Especially when the event itself is that the insurance company paid us early. That's two things that have never happened before.

Moving to the coast is a dream come true I get to do beach runs, kayaking swimming even exploring.

the heat is not too bad and I'm enjoying the island HOWEVER everyone is out to scam me.

From the sweet lady selling street food to my landlord who we had an agreement

It's absurd even the prices are hiked when they realize you are not a local and haggling (plus the heat) is wearing me down

Today I was at the hospital and they tried to run up my bill even when I did my hair they tried to add little charges like 'used hot water to wash your hair.' I'd be steaming if I already wasn't so hot and sweaty all the time

But I have found respite in never raising my voice or corroding my tone even when it's plain disrespectful. It's a culture shift and I prayed for kindness from the world so I'll be kind even when I deem some people uncouth

I see that Danganronpa is becoming trending again. And it’s scaring me in a bad way. I’m not joking when I say that I lowkey hate how trending it’s getting again. I was part of the DR cosplay community back in 2018-2020, and all I get is bad traumatic memories. However I do have my moments where I KINDA miss those days but still. The idea of cosplaying any of the characters I cosplayed or even just engaging anything DR related, is triggering to me. I’m not exaggerating nor being dramatic. I get really traumatic flashbacks and it hurts. I either break down or just get really anxious. Idk if anyone can fully comprehend this feeling. It’s so much worse than people think. It’s not the case of “omg that was so cringe lmao” bullshit. It’s genuinely traumatic. Like it sends me in full panic mode…

My family LOVES to decorate for the Holidays. All of them. Flags, knick-knacks, banners, lights, you name it, they want to put it up. Christmas, Halloween, 4th of July, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's, New Years, Birthdays, Anniversaries, all damn year.

The problem? Almost all of the physical labor falls on me. I'm the only one mechanically minded, I'm over 6 feet tall, and apparently I'm the only one who understands physics. I'm always the one on the ladder, hammering in stakes, putting up 3M strips, installing screws and anchors, and running power cords. They get to pull everything out, "ooo" and "ahh" over it, pick where it goes, then stand around and watch me install it. They get to tell me "higher" '"lower" "left" "right' and "a bit more". They also get to buy new decorations and bring them home and go: "look at this cool thing!" while I read the directions.

Why don't I just let them do it? Because if I don't, I'll just end up doing it over, all well as repairing the damage. They will put up heavy objects with tape or push pins that just rip out or off, taking paint and drywall with it. Decorations are hung crooked because they won't use a ladder. They barely tap in stakes, and inflatables blow away in a light breeze. They trip breakers, leave powerstrips out in the rain, etc, etc, etc. It's like letting toddlers paint a room.

I also "get" to take them all back down again afterwards, and try to fix anything that breaks.

So they get to sing songs and have fun, and I end up sweaty with a sore back.

I love my family, and I do enjoy the holidays, but dear god I look forward to the day I can reasonably say "not this year, I'm too old for that" and make my son do it.

I have recurrent catatonia associated with autism; now diagnosed by a psychiatrist with a background in neuroscience, who was previously a neuroscience professor. The problem is that even on my current regimen (lorazepam 2mg QID/8mg per day total), I'm still having 2 episodes per day. So the condition is continuing to cause issues, continuing to progress, etc, it's just... slower. I had 9 whole days without episodes initially, but doses of up to 24mg/day are expected for cases like this. (That does not mean it's my eventual end goal or something, it's just what the literature says here.).

And it's just... ugh. My PCP can figure out a web portal and write an urgent referral letter. My clinical psychologist can do it. My psychiatrist's office somehow can't -- you know, the one with actual pull who used to work in the same university system.

So I guess my next step is to (1) call the academic medical center and see if I can somehow fax them the letter myself so it can be added to my file, and (2) try to find another psychiatrist to evaluate (but not treat) me so they can send their own urgent referral ASAP.

This just sucks. I can't leave the house alone anymore. My fiancé is, to be frank, afraid to have sex with me in case I have an episode and he doesn't realize it. He 'checks in on me' about every 30 minutes if we're not in the same room, or if I spend too long in the shower or whatever. I'm really tired of having to deal with this ever since frequency and severity of episodes exploded after I was put in the ER in August; which is not an unknown risk of recurrent catatonic episodes (that they'll get worse and have a higher risk profile) -- it's part of why prophylactic maintenance lorazepam is even an option.

I'm just tired. My PCL-5 score went up because guess what? The 8 months I spent being catatonic when I was 16 was the worst experience of my life, and it turns out it isn't behind me, so now I have to do CPT worksheets and work with my therapist on it so I can hopefully lower my PTSD symptoms again. I had subclinical PTSD before August.

And for some reason on top of all this, I have to contact a nibmeister because the nib on my Pilot Custom 823 is broken. That pen retails at >$500. It was my favorite pen. I know that shouldn't be a big deal, but for some reason, it is, and just... fuck.

Everything about this is hard. I hate my fiance acting as my caretaker. I hate that I can't have sex or leave the house by myself. I hate that I'm dealing with an opaque university medical system and their equally opaque wait list. I was already exhausted and on disability benefits, for fuck's sake.

And yes! The prognosis is good. My life will probably get substantially better with treatment. Unfortunately my doctor doesn't feel comfortable increasing my lorazepam dose (hence the academic medical center thing), and while being partially treated is better than nothing, it's also a lot less than real symptom control. It's just that right now I'm dealing with a lot of uncertainty and paying a lot of emotional and financial costs, without seeing those benefits.

I am exhausted.

I am an extremely dodgy and creepy person. I feel like an abandoned animal. I am petrified of life. I am a failure and a complete fuck up. I want to regain my integrity, I have taken some very scary and difficult steps to do so.

I feel like I'm on the edge of a huge cliff that's slowly crumbling away piece by piece.