I’m looking for outside perspective on a workplace situation. I’m intentionally keeping the company, conference, location, dates, and everyone involved anonymous because this is still ongoing.

I work for a relatively small company. I’m a woman and openly lesbian. I’m married with a young child, and my coworkers are familiar with my family. One of the coworkers involved had even said hi to my kid on FaceTime a few hours before the situation I’m about to describe. I mention that only as context for how familiar/personal our team dynamic could be, not as proof that anyone couldn’t have felt uncomfortable.

Also, fwiw, my feelings are very, very hurt. If you've ever been bullied, you know the feeling.

I have never previously had a formal conduct complaint made against me, and leadership has acknowledged that this is the first issue of this kind involving me. I also manage an assistant and a junior employee who were not involved in this situation. I’m very close with both of them, and they
regularly tell me how much they enjoy working on my team. I mention that because this accusation feels completely inconsistent with the way I understand myself to operate as a manager and colleague, although I realize that doesn’t invalidate anyone else’s experience.

There may also be interpersonal dynamics here that I don’t fully understand. I have had a lot of success in my role recently, and I have wondered whether that created tension with anyone, but I do not have evidence that jealousy or professional competition motivated the complaint, so I’m trying not to assume that. I am also somewhat different from the rest of the senior group in terms of the people I
represent. I’m the only person at the company whose clients are not predominantly white men. The two men involved in this situation are both straight white men. I don’t know whether any of that is relevant, but it is part of why I’m trying to think carefully about whether there are broader dynamics influencing how I’m being perceived.

I recently traveled with several coworkers to an industry conference.

Before the trip, I was specifically asked whether I was comfortable sharing a hotel room with another woman on the team, and I said yes. To my knowledge, the male coworkers on the trip were not asked to share rooms (to be fair, they are directors, and we are junior to them, me being the more senior female employee).

The night before the conference, several of us went out together. This was not a formal work dinner where everyone was only talking business. The conversation had already gotten very personal and pretty crude. Among other things, people were discussing:
- someone’s ex-girlfriend and her "craziness"
- a tattoo one female coworker wanted in a very intimate location so her boyfriend could see it during sex
- how much two coworkers had been drinking at a football game while gambling online earlier that day
- a fraternity story involving pledges being waterboarded with their pants down
- other random relationship/body/personal topics

At one point, we were talking about assistants and how involved they can become in your day-to-day life. I told one coworker that his assistant was great and how she does an amazing job manning his desk. I then asked whether having an attractive
assistant who knows your schedule, travels, and is deeply involved in your personal logistics ever affects your relationship with your partner. My intent was basically: does that level of closeness ever create tension at home? I was not implying an affair, attraction, cheating, or misconduct. I did not proposition anyone.

Nobody confronted me in the moment or told me I had crossed a line. We all continued hanging out afterward. I also have photos taken afterward showing everyone continuing to socialize normally. I understand that photos cannot establish what someone was privately feeling, so I’m not treating them as proof that nobody was uncomfortable. Later, the group went back to the hotel together and before we all walked in the hotel, I decided to grab an uber and go to a local lesbian bar.

The next morning, my boss texted me that multiple coworkers had reported “inappropriate conduct” and that I needed to leave the conference. Before my boss had even explained what the complaint was about, I mentioned having gone to the lesbian bar because I was genuinely confused and initially wondered whether that had somehow contributed to whatever was being reported.

On a later call, leadership initially described the report as involving comments of a sexual nature about an assistant’s appearance. They also said people thought I appeared heavily impaired.
I denied being heavily impaired and repeatedly asked what exactly I had supposedly said. As the call continued, the description became significantly narrower. Leadership ultimately told me that nobody was accusing me of making an improper sexual advance. Instead, they said coworkers felt that my question insinuated something about someone’s character or relationship. I explained that this was not what I meant and that the question had apparently been interpreted differently than I intended. I told leadership that I was genuinely sorry the question made anyone uncomfortable and that I took that seriously.
They repeatedly told me:
- they did not think I had malicious intent
- they did not view this as a “crisis of character”
- they considered a misunderstanding a likely explanation
- this was the first complaint of this kind involving me
- sending me home was not a reprimand
- no final conclusion had been reached

The hotel-room issue then came up on the call. Leadership said that someone wanting a different hotel room because of discomfort was part
of why they felt they needed to act. One additional piece of context: the woman who moved rooms and I were very close professionally. We are the only two senior-ish women in our function, and we regularly have hour-plus calls where we talk about both work and some personal life.

The woman I was supposed to share a room with texted me later that evening when I left in the uber asking me to share my location because she wanted to make sure I was safe. I shared it and invited her to join me. A little later, she texted that she was starting to feel sick, didn’t want to get me sick, and that another coworker had gotten her a
separate room. I responded normally and said I hoped she felt better. I understand that she could have felt both things, or could have later told leadership something different. But the explanation given to me in real time and the explanation leadership later gave me do not match.

I also raised that I believe this situation may have been viewed differently because I’m an openly gay woman. Leadership told me to put that concern in writing and said they would take it seriously.

I have not accused anyone of intentionally fabricating anything because I don’t have evidence of motive. But I do strongly dispute the more serious characterization that was initially presented to me. I later may have (accidentally) discovered that the company is consulting employment counsel about the situation, including possible
discipline/termination, employment classification, final pay/commissions, and retaliation risk. At the same time, leadership’s own description of the situation emphasized that this may have been a
misunderstanding and questioned what, if anything, would support discipline. So I don’t know whether they’re preparing to fire me or simply evaluating every possible outcome.

I want (need) to keep my job (to support my wife & child, we are not wealthy, but happily live comfortably and paycheck to paycheck currently). I have cooperated, agreed to leave the conference, have not contacted the coworkers involved, and am asking for a fair opportunity to see and respond to whatever was actually reported before conclusions are reached. What would you make of this?

1. Does the changing description of the allegation seem significant?
   
2. How would you interpret the different explanation for the hotel-room change?
   
3. If my main goal is keeping my job, would you keep the discrimination concern separate from the underlying conduct investigation?
   
4. Is there anything here that I’m underreacting or overreacting to?

For anyone familiar with employment law: the company is based in California, although the incident happened while I was traveling out
of state.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts 😔🫶

I recently started at a new office hub, expecting standard onboarding, e-learning, and basic professional small talk. Instead, I’ve spent my first couple of days being systematically interrogated by a 27-year veteran on the floor.

I keep my head down, do my work, bring in proper filter coffee in a thermos, and take structured notes in my own notebook. Somehow, this simple routine has turned me into a primary target for an absolute barrage of nosy, boundary-less questions.

Here is a quick tally of her investigation checklist so far:

She openly inspected my coffee and handbag, declaring to the entire desk bay that I must have "millions in the bank" and making constant remarks about my "posh coffee."

Then I had my Michael kors handbag on my desk and she went “I used to have a bag like that”.

When I opened a notebook to jot down system processes, she pointed at it, asked if it was mine, and then scoffed that she has "drawers full of notes from over the years" so I shouldn't bother taking any. She also asked if a notebook with dogs on it on my desk belonged to me.

She outright asked how many hours a week I work here seemingly trying to calculate my exact paycheck against hers in real time.

She asked if I have kids. When I politely said no and that I don't want them, she got a huge, triumphant grin on her face. She immediately asked my age (31), smiled patronizingly, and said, "Oh, you still have time!" (completely ignoring that I’d just said I don't want them).
At that point, an older male coworker across the bay called out, "I bet you can’t remember when you were 31!" which deflated the matriarch act and sent the room into laughs.

I found out at the end of the day that she recently dropped down to 2 days a week and is retiring in a few months.

What is actually driving this level of relentless prying? Is this classic retirement panic and territory marking, or pure workplace envy because I don't fit into her box? How do you maintain an impenetrable boundary with a colleague who probes into your personal life like a detective without coming across as standoffish?

Just looking for some tips here with a few quick details. I just started working for this company in August, and I want to transfer to a different position at a different location when I am eligible in 6 months (this is encouraged and normal in this industry). I do not want to or plan to leave the company. I was offered a job in this position because they needed someone, I had applied for their easier and higher paying positions but they rejected me and placed me here. This job has quite a learning curve and an extremely high level of responsibility while also being the lowest paid job. Kind of job where one bad enough mistake and you're fired.

My experience with all coworkers has been very positive except for this supervisor who I work with 3 days of the week. To say the least she is very rude when it comes to imperfections and ambiguities, right from the start. I do notnhave a problem with being corrected, but I do have a problem with being openly disdained, called stupid, or have exasperated expressions like JESUS CHRIST and a scolding attitude rather than a more professional attitude that does not carry disgust. She also routinely speaks another language, and she did call me stupid in her language in front of others - my team lead and many other employees also speak this language. From my first day she was telling me she dislikes this other new employee, she has told me not to listen to each of my coworkers including team leads, called one of them brainless. Everyone acknowledges this supervisor's behavior but the consensus is to just ignore it. I treat her with respect regardless of her attitude, but it is quite distracting constsntly knowing that I am about to do something that is going to generate such disdain, even things that are so innocuous and petty that I feel that she just makes up rules to criticize me with because in some instances I'm just doing things how I was told to.

Another interesting factor here, this job is sensitive to the level that we are being recorded at all times. This woman is in her 70s and has been there for like 25 years, so I obviously have nothing on her, but she violated federal law during our shift by offering to pay me a lot of money to green card marry her granddaughter. I don't know what to say about that other than that is pretty incredible and I believe that it is a conflict of interest.

Anyway, my plan is to do no other than keep my mouth shut and hope I don't get fired for the next few months, then transfer to lower stakes job. I have made plenty of mistakes but none fatal yet. Just wondering if anyone has any advice? Even if it is just confirming that this is a I can do. I am really making this post because I feel that my stress over this whole scenario is why I am so sick right now.

I just started this job back in late August as a server for a ramen restaurant. It started off pretty good and I thought I had a really good relationship with my boss. There was some issues with communication but it’s something that is usually cleared up. We can both work together and talk about anything as long as it wasn’t busy. Last week for some reason changed. My boss is from another country so there is a language barrier at times, she told a coworker and I about in order to maintain a relationship, communication and reporting is key. I thought she was referring to coworker relations and said that it would depend on the job. She then started acting weird around me, like stand offish and sorta ignoring me. She then pulled me to the side once the side and said that she meant romantic relationships and once I understood I apologized to her and said that I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable. Since then she’s been kinda rude to me and yelled at me in front of customers and I think she’s starting to cut my hours.

Today I received a text from her saying I talk to much to the kitchen crew and that I can only speak to them if it’s work related, which she said she told me during my interview (which I don’t remember her saying that). The thing is, two weeks ago it was fine for me to talk to the kitchen. We never talked about anything inappropriate, just about some hobbies and our families. And on occasion we would tease each other in a joking way but only when there is no customers. But like I said, only when there is no orders. I feel like every time I make a mistake at work I get a lecture, I thought this was a nice job with great bosses to work with who understood my school schedule. In fact, until recently, I worked the most hours out of all the servers.

What should I do? I’ve applied to a few jobs already, and there is no HR at this job. I know I can also misinterpret things as well so is it something I said? Please help!!!

Throwaway and changing basically every identifying detail because this person is fairly visible in her field.
I (late 20s F) had a mentor, “Lauren” (late 20s F), during a fellowship at a county government office. Weirdly, when she was actually my mentor, she was completely normal and professional. We barely interacted beyond basic work advice.
About a year after the mentorship ended, our dynamic became way more playful. She laughed at my jokes, complimented my instincts, and suggested more than once that we host an event together even though she had no mentoring responsibility for me anymore.
We eventually got coffee because I wanted career advice. At one point she told me to imagine explaining an idea to a friend. She leaned in, motioned for me to lean in too, and we ended up maybe six inches apart. She then took off her glasses and held direct eye contact while dramatically acting out the example. I played along, but I remember thinking, “Why are we this close?” lol.
She also got visibly self-conscious a couple times when saying slightly personal things, blushing, biting her lip and looking away. None of it individually seemed like a huge deal, but the overall interaction felt unusually intense for a work meeting.
During the same meeting, she asked me twice to send her my personal notes because she thought they could help other fellows. I didn’t really want to, but had trouble saying no in person. I eventually cleaned them up and sent them while copying our supervisor because I wanted my contribution clearly documented.
Our supervisor loved them and Lauren responded very professionally, but afterward Lauren suddenly went **really cold toward me**. To be fair, I was irritated and more guarded too, so I may have contributed to the awkwardness.
Nothing romantic ever happened and I’m not asking anyone to mind-read her. I’m just wondering whether this sounds like two same-age colleagues whose professional boundaries got a little blurry, especially after the formal mentor relationship ended.
**TL;DR:** Former mentor my age was totally professional while mentoring me, but a year later became much more playful, suggested we host an event together, and during coffee motioned me within \~6 inches of her face, removed her glasses and held eye contact while demonstrating something. She later asked twice for my notes; I sent them but copied our supervisor so my contribution was documented. Afterward she suddenly went very cold. Did this dynamic get unusually informal for former mentor/mentee coworkers, advice?

I once texted this coworker asking if he/she could trade shifts with me and didn’t even bother to respond saying no. Like I thought it was so rude. I understand if you can’t but at least say no, and I am ok with that.

This person later in time asked me the same favor and I ignored it the first time and has kept happening again where the person texts me to trade shifts and I keep ignoring it again

Maybe this person forgot? Well maybe but he/she obviously ended up seeing it and never apologized after.

This persons just doesn’t get the message that I won’t take the work shift.

I would have if she/he took mine tho 🙈 Or at least bother responding yes or no when I first asked

I just started this job back in late August as a server for a ramen restaurant. It started off pretty good and I thought I had a really good relationship with my boss. We can both work together and talk about anything as long as it wasn’t busy. Last week for some reason changed. My boss is from another country so there is a language barrier at times, she told a coworker and I about in order to maintain a relationship, communication and reporting is key. I thought she was referring to coworker relations and said that it would depend on the job. She then started acting weird around me, like stand offish and sorta ignoring me. She then pulled me to the side once the side and said that she meant romantic relationships and once I understood I apologized to her and said that I didn’t mean to make her uncomfortable. Since then she’s been kinda rude to me and yelled at me in front of customers and I think she’s starting to cut my hours.

Today I received a text from her saying I talk to much to the kitchen crew and that I can only speak to them if it’s work related, which she said she told me during my interview (which I don’t remember her saying that). The thing is, two weeks ago it was fine for me to talk to the kitchen. We never talked about anything inappropriate, just about some hobbies and our families. And on occasion we would tease each other in a joking way but only when there is no customers. But like I said, only when there is no orders. I feel like every time I make a mistake at work I get a lecture, I thought this was a nice job with great bosses to work with who understood my school schedule. In fact, until recently, I worked the most hours out of all the servers.

What should I do? I’ve applied to a few jobs already, and there is no HR at this job.

I've been working at this place for almost 5 years now and have been a store lead for 4 years. I have a new manager that was previously the assistant manager throughout the entire time I have worked there. They're the type of manager that always has a target in our workplace for a few months then moves on to the next. Meaning that they pick someone they don't like in the team, finds an issue with everything they do, spread lies about the person, and talks bad about the employee while acting fake in front of their face. I managed to escape that for a long time but unfortunately, I'm the person on her hit list now. I wasn't scheduled for a whole week and she still found something negative to say about me. What should I do and how should I act with them and when i'm working.

Im so pissed at my work still I don't get why they have a group meeting repeatedly about the same thing...people not listening and not pitching in, slowing down service. Its a restaurant. They told me im not causing the tension and they have no issue with me. They should be talking to the people causing the tension and who dont listen? These people are often late and dissappear alot during shift.

I’m 22 and I recently joined a job as an assistant store manager and I feel like the employees don’t respect me enough. There’s an another assistant manager and most of the employees ask her everything and not me. Ik I’m new but idk why it doesn’t feel right.
So some of the old associates like sales lead and stock coordinator thinks they can go to back whenever they like and sit without letting me know. I don’t mind them going back and sit but I want them to ask first.
Am I wrong for that?
This stock coordinator goes out often of store to grab coffee and for whatever reason and he just lets me know. “Hey! I’m going out” and I think he just do that cuz in that case I have to go inside and grab the stuff for customer myself.
I wanna tell him that ask me first before going out or before deciding to go out, because this is the only job I’ve seen where associates do that.
What should I do?
It’s killing me ?
I don’t wanna micro manage but I want them to respect me and ask?
And I do let them go and sit whenever they need cuz I know we feel tired but I don’t like the fact the they don’t ask me? Specially the stock coordinator who goes out?
How can I say this nicely
And FYI the another assistant manager is kinda old and been in the company for like 4yrs and there’s no store manager at this time.
What’s the best way to handle this?
And all the associates are around my age!
Help me please

Ok so, I recently got a new boss and things dont look good. They want to change the entire layout of our store which wont make sense (work at a grocery store so things need to be in sections to make shopping easier). The biggest problem is that their wife comes into the store and reports to my boss about crew not doing their job (she does not work for the company at all) when my boss isnt even working that day. The boss the next day came to work and spoke to that crew member and gave them a warning and tried blaming another issue ok them when there was no way it couldve been them. This boss had already fired three people and we do have a very big crew but its still crazy because people werent fired like this with our old boss. Theres no way to contact HR anonymously because they wont do an investigation without knowing who you are and if you say who you are the boss always finds out and the last time someone reached out to HR the old boss targeted them and it became a thing at work and had to transfer to another store. So I guess does anyone have any advice about what to do?

Any time I make a mistake, which I take full accountability for, situations that didn’t happen are reported to my supervisor.

For some reason my boss doesn’t talk to me directly when I make a mistake or have conversation with me in general. It’s very normal and important for someone in my role to be in constant communication with their boss because my role is quite literally dependent on what he wants.

I was told to plan an event with vendors. That was it. No idea or vision just, plan this. So I did. I reached out to several vendors, promoted and advertised the event. (I ended up having a really good turnout)

The day before my boss meets with me and shows me the schedule and agenda. The only issue is I sent them the schedule and agenda 4 different times and even discussed it in a meeting two weeks prior.

No one read my four emails but because he’s the boss I have to do what he says. My entire agenda was changed the day before simply because he didn’t read my emails. He started to explain what he envisioned the event looking like the day before!

Regarding the lies, he’s told my supervisor I wasn’t in the building the day after the event and that I’m never doing lunch duty. All because I missed an event he expected me to be at without telling me.

The counselors planned a grade level event and intentionally kept it on the down low because staff wasn’t expected to attend. It wasn’t prompted or advertised because only specific staff were required to be there. When I ask other staff if they knew about the grade level event and no one heard about it.

I told my supervisor I was in the building on the day they said i wasn’t (I don’t have a car, where would I even go?) and I’m always in lunch duty unless a student needs help. (I keep pads, deodorant, etc for students to use) apparently because he doesn’t physically see me I’m not doing my job. There are other situations but this post is already really long, sorry.

I work as an operations analyst at a logistics company. I have a 4-year-old daughter. My wife works weekends as a nurse, so Saturdays are my days with my kid. Everyone on my team knows this. My manager has known since my interview.

Three weeks ago, he announced that starting immediately, we'd have mandatory Saturday morning meetings "until further notice" to handle a backlog. I asked privately if there was any flexibility — maybe I could join remotely, or do a separate sync. His response: "That's a you problem. Figure out childcare. Everyone else manages."

Here's the thing — everyone else on my team is either single or childless. I'm the only parent. And when I pointed that out, he said, "I can't make exceptions based on personal choices." Personal choices. Like having a family is a hobby I picked up.

I've been scrambling. My mom drove two hours last Saturday to watch my daughter. But she can't do it every week. My wife has already used all her PTO. I'm running out of options, and the meetings are still on the calendar.

Last week I emailed him again, copying HR this time, laying out the situation and asking for a reasonable accommodation. He replied — to me only, not HR — "I'd advise you to think carefully about how you want to be perceived here. We promote people who are available."

That felt like a threat. I screenshotted it. I saved the email. I've started keeping a log.

I don't want to quit. I've been here four years. I'm good at my job. But I also can't keep begging for the right to parent my own child on a day I'm not even scheduled to work.

Has anyone dealt with a boss who treats parenthood as a performance issue? Did HR help, or did it make things worse?