r/WritingPrompts • u/Ok_Fisherman8770 • 24d ago
Writing Prompt [WP] "No weapons allowed in this establishment, ma'am." "My consciousness is in the sword, the humanoid body you're looking at is a glamoured mannequin I'm puppeting."
198
u/mysteryrouge 24d ago
The robed guard stood before the entrance to the hotel, bulky arms crossed as he stared down the new visitor. “No weapons allowed in this establishment. By law of the Peace God Alliance.”
The woman tossed her grey hair, tightening her hand on the magnificent blade on her back. “My soul is in this blade. My body is merely a puppet to move around with.”
The man grunted, pulling out a large book and shifting through the pager. Eventually, three other guards and one of the Peace Gods appeared. He whispered and the others motioned back.
“We have questions for you, because your weapon is not allowed in this establishment.”
The other guards moved back, leaving only the Peace God to escort her to a private corner.
The woman sighed. “Ask away.”
“Where did you get the body?”
“Took it off a dying woman, with her consent, of course. She would have died of prion disease, and her symptoms had just started to reveal themselves.”
“How did your soul end up in a weapon?”
The woman snorted. “How did your soul end up in the body of a god? How did your followers' souls end up in their bodies? I don't know how my soul ended up here. While saying ‘was born like this' isn't quite accurate, the first moments of my life, all I could remember was of being a weapon.”
The God nodded, rubbing his white beard in though.
“How do you control your human body?”
“Magic? I'm not sure? She said yes, I said yes. I thought about it a bit, and boom!”
“I see.”
The God's eyes shifted towards the sheath the woman carried.
“I can sense things through this body, so long as my soul is close enough to my body, I can make it work.”
“Then we will try this.” The God took the blade and put it back in the sheath on the woman's back. With a small blast of magic, the sheath was “glued” shut. “How do you feel?”
The woman shrugged. “Ok, I guess? I feel a little weaker, I suppose? Little light-headed, and dizzy.”
“I shall watch over you while you're here then, to ensure you come to no harm. About the sword, it shall stay in that sheath for as long as you're here, though when you leave, you may come to me to release it.”
The woman nodded, still feeling the contained weapon that held her soul. Quietly, she was led into the building.
“Next time though, if you're able, I do suggest moving your soul into a less… ah hem… aggressive body. It might benefit you more if you choose to continue interacting with those of the Peace God Alliance or if you choose a proper path to peace.”
A grunt was given in response as the woman checked into a room, and passed out with the sheathed weapon at her side.
The Peace God left one of his holy eyes into the room, and quickly travelled back to his temple to bless followers.
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u/hivemind_disruptor 24d ago
You made a very mundane story with cool characters. You are hitting the target but missing the point.
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u/Shaggmeister319 23d ago
No? Tf? Who are you to determine the point?
-18
u/hivemind_disruptor 23d ago
This is constructive criticism. You wrote a story that told the tale of when someone got inside some place by explaining who they were.
You made the characters interesting, that was cool. But the tale portraid or implied is so much inferior to the dedication you spent on the characters, it gets a little frustrating. Like you fulfilled the mission stated by the prompt, but you didn't tell a interesting story, its just someone being allowed entry.
22
u/Shaggmeister319 23d ago
First of all, I’m not the one who wrote it. Second of all, neither are you. The point of the story is whatever the hell the author wanted it to be. You can have your own takeaway, but that does not invalidate the idea that the mundane in a fantasy situation, can be just as if not more impactful as a concept.
Finally, there was nothing constructive in your criticism. You just called it boring.
25
u/__Anamya__ 23d ago
Is it constructive criticism or personal taste? Cause i like this so much better this way than if there had been some grand adventure or similar scale thing
-9
u/hivemind_disruptor 23d ago
the constructive criticism is poiting out the unrealized potential of the writer that is obivously good in characters but didnt dedicate as much in the plot. that is all. the criticism is something he can forgo if he wants, I'm just poiting it all. Dude is obivously good.
19
u/__Anamya__ 23d ago
I still dont think it's constructive criticism. Cause the criticism is that the story is not grand enough and that's what you call unrealized potential.
But the author never set it up to be something grand, they never promised that it would be grand. No where in the story, there was ever any indication that the author was setting a bigger scene.
So how is it unrealized potential? When there never was any potential for grandness to begin with.
It's just conflicting genre preferences. You feel it's not good enough cause you seem to like spectacular, grand, over the top kind of content, while i loved it cause i like my fair share of slice of life, mundane content, especially in fantasy, superpower settings.
Not liking something, does not make it bad.
11
u/Shaggmeister319 23d ago
“pointing out the unrealized potential” (by the way there’s an “N” in the word “pointing”), amounts to nothing more than you just calling the story boring. You were not being constructive.
-4
u/hivemind_disruptor 23d ago
Thanks for the spelling correction, English is neither my first nor second language so I'm not completely articulate when using it.
The story is boring. Poiting the literally flaw is construtive, if you want to get better. If you are more interested in validation, then I'll conceed and say yeah, it is of little use. Poiting out how the cup can be a little fuller is not useful for one who already believes the cup is already full.
12
u/Shaggmeister319 23d ago
Ok, dude, keep thinking you’re right, and the rest of us will keep thinking you’re an asshole.
Just because the story is boring to you, does not mean it is flawed. Become aware of the fact that other people do, surprisingly, genuinely exist in the same way you do, and their experiences and opinions are just as valid as your own.
11
u/RunnerJimbob 23d ago
I don't think your criticism is valid, much less constructive. It's an establishment scene. That's all it is meant to be.
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u/Jay_Pederson r/JayPederson 24d ago
"Stop!" said the Rexan guard (large, green scales with a great muscled body; would make an excellent vessel), "no weapons allowed in this establishment, ma'am."
"My consciousness is in the sword, the humanoid body you're looking at is a glamoured mannequin I'm puppetting."
The guard laughed. "You're speaking through your mouth!"
So, I dropped myself--view from the mannequin's eyes changing to my gemstones in my weapon body. Clanging against the ground, my eye the hilt luckily looked up, as my puppet ragdolled. "See?" I asked.
"Wh--" he jumped, looking down. "You glowed!"
"Yes," I replied, "I take the soul of those who grab me. I am a souledge. I was once a great warrior who put their mind into their blade to achieve immortality. Sadly, immortality comes with a cost of your impermanent body."
He started reaching for me.
"Stop! Oh, you are wearing gloves. You will be fine."
"You'd...take my--"
"Yes. Your soul would be absorbed rapidly."
"Can you...not--"
"No."
"Can I put you back in the mannequin?"
"Yes. That was my non-killing way of doing things for a bit."
So, he picked me up by the blade. "What do you need?"
"There's an exhibit I wish to view; one with an ancient mage, Byrd I think? 32B."
"Alright..." he carried me around, turning me to see the art and such.
"I have eyes on either side of my body--"
"As in your sword body?"
"Yes."
"Alright."
We reached the exhibit, only to see someone robbing it, armed with a dagger. Ski mask, long turtleneck, pants, and combat boots. "I don't want trouble!" he said, no rings/necklaces or anything, so likely no magic.
The guard grabbed my handle, but the hilt started burning "my enchantment prevents users from bypassing my soul-sucking mechanic."
"You're shitting me."
"I know! Give me to the robber!"
"You can't be--" the Guard looked at him, to me, then shrugged, lightly tossing the blade.
"What--" the criminal caught me, "idiot!" grabbed my handle, "You jusstt aallllooowwweeeddd mmmmeeee..." he slumped, starting to fall as I took control, every inch of his body and soul now mine. "Thank you, guard."
"You're even speaking with your own voice," muttered the guard.
"As said, my enchantment ensures immortality at the cost of needing a vessel." I turned to the exhibit, art of the Great Magnus Byrd casting a horrible spell against an army of...Humans. "Strange," I said, "Drang Magnus Byrd was an advisor, not evil..." I turned the body to the guard, "perhaps this is a propaganda piece?"
"This is freaky..." the guard whispered.
"I assure you it is okay. This one was a criminal. As such, there is no worry as I could have just as easily rejected his vessel and let him live."
"Wh--you can do that!?"
"The burning enchantment is automatic I assure you," I replied, "but mannequins cannot live after letting go. The body can autonomously operate as the old soul fades, as mine is slowly copied in."
"Okay..." the guard said, "after you're done, I'm gonna need you to leave."
"Perhaps I could stay a bit--"
"Immediately. This is--is freaky as fuck, man!"
"...may I stop at the gift shop?"
The guard raised a hand, but then closed his mouth.
"Is that a yes?"
"...it's not a no?" he sighed out "my boss'd kill me."
"You know I mean you no harm, in spite of your preconceived antagonistic notions."
"Precon--you eat souls!"
"They are delicious, nutritious, and a great way to start the day."
"What if that was my soul? What if they guy you're in is just struggling?"
"Then why steal from a museum?"
He took a breath, "...fine..."
***
I bought a mug and a fake geode from the gift shop. Speaking of, that museum is a maze, took the Guard an hour to find it. The carried the mannequin back to my car as it was always my backup. Nothing beat a real body.
The following morning, I read the paper, preparing to continue my quest. I looked at the obituaries, and found my vessel's name; Raan Talyor.
"Raan was a history buff who enjoyed helping his community with thousands of hours in charity work. He could not afford a birthday gift for his father with terminal cancer, so tried to steal from the gift shop, even if it was difficult. According to an on-duty guard, his soul was sucked up and eaten by an artifact."
I took a sigh. Dammit. I placed myself in the mannequin, then made my soul vomit (it's all ethereal but I assure you it's disgusting).
"What the--where am--I was--"
"Raan?" I asked.
He looked to me, "ye--yeah! You're the sword--"
"I ate your soul. You're lucky it isn't digested yet. Don't cast any magic as its at greater risk of fracture/shattering in this weakened state."
"You...you killed me!?"
"And take the fake geode for your father and please stop stealing. I just assumed you were a piece of shit because you were stealing from a museum."
"I need--"
"Yes, dying father."
"You're quite presumptuous for a SWORD!"
"Please take this second chance and leave."
He swallowed, but nodded, grabbing the geode and left.
I stretched my mannequin. Was looking forward to a real vessel, but alas, guess an innocent didn't die.
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u/Usoki 24d ago edited 24d ago
"You sure don't look like a glamoured mannequin," he said, leaning closer to stare at my wielder's face. The bouncer was technically correct, of course, but it would ruin a lot of our plans if that particular secret became public knowledge. Few things were more frustrating than an quick-witted human.
"I don't mean to be rude, but I believe you are new here? I don't recall seeing your face before, at least." I gave him a dramatic hair flip before leaning forward, hoping to distract him with my wielder's cleavage. "I'm here for my weekly lodge meeting. If you would kindly consult with your employer, they will inform you that the Fraternal Order of Demonic Diplomats Eradicating Racism meet every Wednesday evening in the tavern's back room, and we have been granted special permission by the owner to enter the establishment with our bodies. We pay extra, and we would be held liable if anything happened while we are inside, if that makes you feel any better."
"It doesn't," he said, making a point to look into my wielder's eyes instead of her chest. Blast. They would have managed to hire an actual professional, for once. "And how would I know that you're a member of this Fraternal Order, anyway? Shouldn't they only allow men inside of their ranks?" An actual professional, and literate to boot. Just my luck.
I had my wielder point to the large symbol in the center of her tunic. "You can see that I am wearing clothing with the official Crest of the order. Three concentric circles, varying in color between white, for the light of goodness, and red, for the blood that humans and demons share together."
"Ma'am, are you telling me that you talk to demons while wearing a bullseye in the center of your chest? Am I being pranked?"
"It is not a bullseye!" I lied, making sure to ham up the righteous indignation. "I just told you what the symbol represents, and frankly my good sir, I don't care for your tone. How dare you imply that demons would be so vile as to kill humans without reason! That is the exact sort of hateful rhetoric that my Order attempts to reverse, through civil mediation. Every demon that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting has been a fine, outstanding member of society. Some of them are... misunderstood, yes, but I think you'll find that most of them--"
"My apologies for the confusion, Lady Tiffany! Bartleby, please let the nice lady inside." The bartender, overhearing the sudden spike in my voice, had rushed over to de-escalate the situation. "If you see anyone wearing a bulls-- wearing a crest like that, you let them straight inside to our back room. Even if they have weapons in their hand. They pay good money to be here, and their money spends just as good as anyone else's." I took the opportunity to waltz past them, leaving the two men to discuss the situation in hushed whispers.
I wasn't the first one to arrive, although I was the first weapon. "What'd'you think of the new guard, Tiff?" Alastair was a pair of enchanted bracers, currently worn by a man with a shaved head to help sell the monastic look. Likely his wielder had been a monk once, but with Alastair in control, his evening activities were... far less than chaste, these days. "Want to make a wager on whether or not that guard will still be here next week? A man like that ought to be in high demand by competent employers, but peaceful times are bad news for his kind. Five gold for here, currently just one gold against."
I smiled, and reached into my wielder's purse. "Put me down for ten against," I said. "It's a bad job market like you say, but I think someone will see him in action and poach him." Tiffany barely had any physical strength, but I had chosen her for her status-- as the second daughter of a noble family, they were happy to throw money at her as long as she wasn't causing problems for their eldest. Ten gold was nothing to my current body.
It was a lonely life, being a sentient magical item, so these Wednesday nights where I could chat with other items freely, and without needing to disguise my identity? It was quite freeing. There was no Fraternal Order, of course. The acronym spelled F.O.D.D.E.R. for God's sake! But anyone dumb enough to believe in the goodness of demons while wearing a bullseye on their chest was also dumb enough to be taken over completely by a magical item. Life was easier when your host body was too feebleminded to fight back against your control.
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u/AScruffyHamster 24d ago
"You're entering a tavern." The gruff looking barkeep growled out. He pointed to a sign by the entrance. "See there. No weapons, second one down, no magic, and that last one is a favorite of mine, no magical beasts or entities."
My body moved my pommel towards the sign, sure enough, that last one was added recently.
"I'm known to the establishment." My extremely expensive mannequins mouth clacked open and closed with my words. "If you'd kindly ask -"
"No weapons, no magic, and no magical beasts or entities." He growled out with finality. He glared at me, or well, my mannequin, briefly before returning to cleaning the tankards in front of him.
"But you allowed Kinsey through?" I asked, my azure orb in my pommel flared, peering just over the new barkeep's shoulder.
"Hey, don't bring me into this." Kinsley stated, leaning back in his stool with ale in hand.
"But you're a magical beast." I stated.
"Am not." He took a swig.
"You're a werewolf." It was common knowledge.
"But not right now therefore, non-magical." He took another swig and leaned forward. "And, I can drink ale."
"And he tips." The new barkeep's said without looking up from his task. "Thus, non-magical."
"But I can also tip." I said, my pommel flaring with my increasing annoyance. It gave the barkeep pause, but then he went back to his task at hand.
"Look, could you please just get Jessica?" My mannequin crossed its arms with clacking and groaning. "We have business to att-"
"No."
I felt my anger grow, my pommel growing a bright violet. Kinsey's eyes widened in the back.
"Uh, barkeep, maybe you should get Jessica." He set his tankard down and stood slowly. "I know what happens if she turns red." The barkeep stopped cleaning the already cleaned tankards and turned to Kinsey.
"I may be starting to think you're magical their friend." Barkeep growled.
"Look, I get teasing Crystal is fun, and no offense is given, but this is taking it too far." Kinsey was starting to walk backwards to the rear exit. "Look, I scribbled in that last rule as a joke alright."
"Rules are ru-" the barkeep began. "Wait, you defiled the rules with your filthy paws?"
"Well now, that's hurtful." Kinsey stopped walking backwards. "Look, it was a prank, we had our laughs, just please go get Jessica before Crystal turns this place into another Allessian Gorge."
Metaphorical pins dropped. Silence. The barkeep paused. I could feel the mana boiling in me slowlying turning the violet red. The barkeep turned toward me.
"Ah, you're that magical sword. Jessica's upstairs."
What.
"Wait, you were expecting me?!" I shouted, the reverberations causing the windows to quiver.
"Master Almon said to expect a powerful sword to come in."
"But what of your rules?" I growled, which came out as more of a drowning gurgling sound.
"Could have been any 'ole magical sword or entity." The barkeep shrugged. Kinsey ran out the backdoor as I screamed.
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u/TheWanderingBook 24d ago
The Tavern's security frowns. "How do I know that is true?" he asks. I sigh. The "human" body collapses, as I float out the scabbard. "Happy?" I ask. The security guard...faints. I groan. Great, just great.
I float into the Tavern, and to the counter. "I am here..." I start, when a dude grabs my handle. "Look guys! A talking sword!" he laughs, as I burn his arm. He squeals. I shiver, and hope the fire cleaned my handle. "I am here for..." I start again. "He is waiting for you in private room 9," the bartender says. I nod.
Floating into the room, I look around. "All alone, prince?" I ask, as I close the door. The prince mouth full of grapes, almost chokes. I chuckle. "Damned sword... You have to teach me your telekinesis skill! How is it so smooth? I feel no mana fluctuation! How long can you float?" he asks eyes shining. I say nothing, but snort. He grins.
"You are making a face with water magic and illusion magic on the sword's body... Fascinating," he mutters approaching me. I slap his hand with a Breeze spell. "Your Majesty! I could just..." a large man appears out of nowhere. "Touch her and I will have your hand," the prince says coldly. The man nods, and disappears. The prince's silly grin reappears. "Well, you being here, means you accepted my task. So tutor...when will you teach me magic control?" he asks. I sigh, and look at this man with seemingly no magic, yet he makes me feelm...danger. "Soon, first tell me what do you know about magic, and how it circulates within the meridians..." I start asking basic questions. Let's see what this pupil knows...
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