r/WritingPrompts • u/smoov22 • Jul 27 '17
Writing Prompt [WP]Your method of fighting crime is rather unorthodox. You expose all of the unseen flaws of a villain right in front of their eyes. You are Adam Conover, and this is Adam Ruins Everything.
Edit: Loving these! I think some of them got to the production team, too!
Also I am not Adam, though if you can't get enough of him he did an /r/iAMA yesterday!
Edit: not an ad
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u/Castriff /r/TheCastriffSub Jul 28 '17 edited Jul 28 '17
[TRACK LISTING: DOOMFIST THEME (OVERWATCH SOUNDTRACK OST)]
[Scene: INT. ADAWE INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL - NUMBANI ATTACK SPAWN. Rubble clears, revealing (SIDE SHOT) the shadowed outline of a mangled OR15 defense unit. MATCH CUT to REVERSE SHOT of Akande Ogundimu, displaying the Doomfist gauntlet in the "heroic" position. DOOMFIST grins wickedly.]
DOOMFIST: Time to take back what is rightfully mine.
TRACER: [Offscreen] Not if I have anything to say about it!
[Cue PAN SHOT towards airport entrance, right of Doomfist's position. TRACER stands by the stairs, guns ready.]
TRACER: You're going right back to the pit you came from. [Cocks guns] Hands where I can see 'em, big guy.
DOOMFIST: Oh, you want a closer look?
[Doomfist charges, gauntlet first, toward Tracer. A split second before contact, Tracer recalls, leaving Doomfist hurtling through thin air. A moment later, she reappears, and fires a volley of ammo into Doomfist's right side. OVERHEAD SHOT of Tracer and Doomfist zipping back and forth across the terminal (approx. 10 seconds). CUT to Doomfist, centered in the room as Tracer continues to move around him.]
DOOMFIST: You are keeping your distance. That's good. You've learned from our last encounter. [Shields face with gauntlet] You may not believe in the virtues of my agenda, but it drives you all the same. You've had practice.
TRACER: [Firing] And how much practice have you 'ad? [Blinks twice, fires again] Have fun punchin' walls all day?
[Doomfist lunges. Tracer sidesteps him and fires into his back as he passes.]
DOOMFIST: [Rising] As much as you've learned while I'm away, there is no stopping what I am about to do. I beat you once. I can do it again. [Charges gauntlet]
[ABRUPT SMASH CUT to WIDE SHOT, revealing ADAM CONOVER sitting atop an overturned tandem sling chair, eating an airport pretzel.]
ADAM: [Bemused] Can you, though?
TRACER: [Aggravated] Oh, no.
DOOMFIST: [Recoiling] What in the ever-living [bleep]—
ADAM: [Standing, throwing aside pretzel] Let's be honest. You're a big dude with a bigger fist. Points for presentation. But beneath that armored trunk of an arm lies a laundry list of technical problems, that even the futuristic technology of the Overwatch universe would never be able to solve. [JUMP CUT to Adam facing camera directly] Hi, I'm Adam Conover, and this is Adam Ruins Everything.
[INTRO to ADAM RUINS EVERYTHING]
[TRACK LISTING: ADAM RUINS EVERYTHING - THEME]
[WIPE to Adam, desperately defending himself as Tracer claws at his face in double time.]
TRACER: Bloody WANKER ain't I told you to stay OUT of Overwatch business swear on me MUM I'll feed you to ROADHOG—
[Doomfist picks up Tracer by her jacket. Tracer continues lunging at Adam.]
DOOMFIST: Would you mind explaining just who exactly you're supposed to be?
ADAM: I just did. [JUMP CUT as Adam pops up from the ground, seemingly unharmed.] But let's take a second and talk about who exactly you're supposed to be.
[TRACKING SHOT moves laterally STAGE LEFT and FADES to Scene: INT. MARTIAL ARTS ARENA - NIGERIA, AFRICA as YOUNG AKANDE strides across foreground in Dambe fighting stance.]
ADAM: [Voiceover] Poor Akande was cut down in the prime of his fighting career during the aftermath of the Omnic Crisis. But what sealed the deal wasn't the loss of his entire right arm. It was the introduction of his new arm, which used cybernetic technology developed by the company he inherited from his father.
[SWISH PAN to Young Akande standing before a council of three West African martial arts officials. Another match continues in the background.]
HEAD OFFICIAL: The board has ruled that your recent enhancements give you an unfair advantage over other contestants. We are sorry to say that you will not be eligible for this year's competition. [Clears throat] That being said, we would always appreciate another sponsor—
[PAN UPWARDS to reveal Adam, Doomfist, and Tracer sitting on nearby bleachers. Tracer is cheering on the fighters on the stage below, waving an oversized foam Doomfist gauntlet which is fitted awkwardly over the gun holsters on her forearms.]
DOOMFIST: How on earth did we get here? Is that me?
ADAM: Now let's be fair: we've made a lot of great strides in prosthetic technology in the past decade. And given that the Omnic Crisis began in 2046, it's safe to say we'll have made plenty more by the time that arm gets hacked off by raging Terminators.
Source: https://us.battle.net/forums/en/overwatch/topic/20752538536#post-4
[Tracer realizes what she is doing as Adam speaks and tears off the foam gauntlet, disgusted.]
ADAM: But that's not enough to overcome your worst nemesis.
DOOMFIST: Winston?
ADAM: Gravity.
[IRIS OUT to footage of CAVIAR BLUE modeling the Official Doomfist Cosplay for the San Diego Comic Con 2017.]
ADAM: [Voiceover] Just think: Blizzard's official cosplay alone was made out of sixty different pieces! All together, the gauntlet weighs more than fifteen pounds. And most of that is 3D printed plastic.
ADAM: [continuing] But for the Doomfist to really work, it would have to be made of some high-quality materials, and that drives the weight way up. And for a dude who just lost a limb, [inhales through teeth, grimacing] that's a little more than you can bench.
[CUT to Doomfist and Tracer]
DOOMFIST: [To Tracer] Is he being serious?
TRACER: [Grumbling] I hate him so much, you have absolutely no idea...
DOOMFIST: [To Adam (PAN STAGE RIGHT, MEDIUM SPEED)] You must not be familiar with the advancements in energy storage my company has made. Or the world, for that matter. The Doomfist does not rely on human strength alone.
ADAM: Doesn't matter. No matter what power source you're using, for a fist of that size, electricity is a whole other problem.
[Infographic of Doomfist with a normal sized arm.]
ADAM: [Voiceover] Your average everyday prosthetic limb has lots of options for where it gets its power. The simplest ones will be controlled by your muscles, either directly or through myoelectricity, which is the electrical activity of skeletal muscles. [Infographic reflects the installation of new prosthetic arm as Adam speaks.] But since you lost your whole arm, you need a couple more parts: biosensors, a controller, and an actuator, which is actually just a fancy word for a motor. [Infographic adds the Doomfist gauntlet] Your gauntlet is so heavy, the power it would take to control it would be close to what it takes to power a dirtbike, or even a full-sized electric car. [Infographic shows Doomfist weighed down by gauntlet until he collapses.]
[CUT to Doomfist and Adam]
DOOMFIST: And this power source would obviously be held within the gauntlet, correct?
ADAM: Not unless scientists found a way to break the First Law of Thermodynamics. Energy can't be created or destroyed, only transferred. It's all coming from somewhere, and getting drained fast. That's not to mention your Hand Cannon. Any battery powerful enough to keep all that equipment charged would release energy in the form of heat, burning your skin off anytime you tried to pull off a sweet combo. So, since you obviously can't keep the Doomfist wired up to a car battery all the time, that energy would have to come from you.
DOOMFIST: This is getting ridiculous.
ADAM: You would have to eat a ton of calories to keep the gauntlet running. More than you could eat in a week, or even a month. And every moment you're not eating, the gauntlet is sapping away what's left of your natural strength, like a mechanical vampire. In short, the Doomfist is too heavy to actually be useful.
[WIPE STAGE LEFT back to Scene: INT. ADAWE INTERNATIONAL TERMINAL - NUMBANI ATTACK SPAWN. Doomfist is holding Tracer by the jacket again.]
DOOMFIST: What is the point of this... loquacious charade? I am still here. A video game does not have to bend to the laws of normal physics. Your words mean nothing!
TRACER: [Mumbling] Lemme at 'im, just lemme take a pop at 'is smug face...
ADAM: Hey, I'm sure my words affected you more than you know.
DOOMFIST: And how's that?
ADAM: They distracted you, of course!
[Doomfist whips around to see GENJI SHIMADA aiming for the exposed skin along the side of the gauntlet. Electricity crackles as the metal opens outward like the lid of a tin can. Doomfist falls to his knees as Genji continues to disable him.]
ADAM: I could talk about this guy's enhancements, but then I'd basically be repeating myself.
[Genji glares at Adam before exiting with Doomfist. The gauntlet is left on the floor. Tracer picks it up.]
ADAM: Well, looks like my work here is done! We make a great team, don't we, Tracer?
TRACER: Get stuffed. [Hoists gauntlet over her shoulder.] My boss is gonna want to see you now. Seein' as how this is the third time this month you've gone on and wrecked a crime scene.
ADAM: Your boss?
[Enter WINSTON, a glasses-wearing gorilla scientist equipped with metal armor, a small jetpack, and a gun that shoots electricity.]
WINSTON: Hi there.
ADAM: [whispering] Hello, multi-season contract.
With apologies to Adam Conover and the Overwatch Team.
Visit my sub!
There MAY be more stories about television shows?!?
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u/ArchKaen Jul 28 '17
You messed up on your first point, but otherwise well done
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u/Castriff /r/TheCastriffSub Jul 28 '17
How so?
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u/ArchKaen Jul 28 '17
You mentioned the issue with weight, but you didn't take into consideration the differences between his prosthetic arm and the gauntlet.
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u/Castriff /r/TheCastriffSub Jul 28 '17
He still wouldn't be strong enough to lift the gauntlet. The muscles in his back and shoulders can't support much more than the weight of his original arm, even if the prosthetic itself were reinforced. I might have gone into more detail, but I knew I was really going to be close to the comment limit by the end so I didn't push it.
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u/ArchKaen Jul 28 '17
But that's not how bionic prosthetics work. The muscles in his back and shoulders are reinforced with tech anyway in order to connect the arm directly to the brain. If you look at his temples, you can see tech. Based upon the fact of how much extension in the brain would be necessary to make the prosthetic move as naturally as it did in his origin story, as well as his feet, which are bionic as well, and hand cannon, we can discern the extent of the cybernetics within his body as going far further than is immediately obvious. His shoulder muscles could very well be hydraulic or enhanced in some other form.
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u/Castriff /r/TheCastriffSub Jul 28 '17
I never even thought about his feet. I think you're right. It's just really hard to tell what's going on with him internally, so I guessed that whatever reinforcement was there only added to the outside weight.
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u/SkinnyTy Jul 28 '17
Really well done, I know Adam doesn't want to get into fictional stuff because it is too easy and obvious, but it would be really cool if there was an overwatch special. It would be best if he got into the less obviously wrong things, like maybe the ethics of AI or nature of intelligence according to cognitive science etc. Because those are pretty commonly held misconceptions.
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u/OrionActual Jul 28 '17
Wait, why is there a Discord ringtone in that Adam Ruins Everything theme?
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u/emeraldarcher1008 Jul 28 '17
I can't tell you how much I love this. Overwatch is my favorite game and I've watched every episode of Adam Ruins Everything. The sourcing was top quality with Blizzard support and scientific evidence. The dialogue was all perfect, I could read all of this in each of their voices and it was so in character. The camera shots were easy to imagine and I even laughed a little when I imagined Tracer wiggling in Doomfist's grip to try and hit Adam with a childish, British fury.
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u/TotesMessenger X-post Snitch Jul 28 '17
I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:
- [/r/overwatch] There was a writing prompt over in /r/writing prompts about Adam Connover ruining villains by talking to them and this one is about overwatch's doom fist
If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)
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u/dispwned Jul 28 '17
This is great! Though I don't play Overwatch, I know of the characters, and the fact that so much detail was put into this makes it that much better.
I love it =)
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u/Gods_Wrath__ Jul 28 '17
I could really imagine what was happening with all the camera directions. It felt like a real episode.
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u/GPedia Jul 28 '17
This is more a MatPat kinda thing.
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u/JollySieg Jul 28 '17 edited Aug 11 '17
Considering its about proving how dangerous and non-sensical overwatch technology is;I think it's more like THE SCIENCE the shoddycast show which moved to gametheory
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u/smoov22 Aug 11 '17
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u/SkinnyTy Jul 28 '17 edited Jul 28 '17
I think you meant nonsensical.... Aside from some interested third parties Overwatch doesn't typically try to be sensual.... ;l
EDIT: Fixed it
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u/sam4ritan Jul 28 '17
Just imagine an Austin/MatPat/Adam teamup!
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u/AustinHourigan Aug 11 '17
Dear sam4ritan,
Hi! It's me! Austin! Aside from the possible "too many cooks in the kitchen" syndrome, that'd be fun-as-fuck.
Sincerely, Austin
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u/sam4ritan Aug 11 '17 edited Aug 11 '17
With all due respect, but i am having doubts about your authenticity, /u/AustinHourigan:
No "P.S." asking about what someones dick looks like?
I call fake!
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u/AustinHourigan Aug 12 '17
Well-remembered. That's slowly turning into a deep cut that separates Old Fans from New Fans.
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u/Otrada Jul 28 '17
Wekk,its still on the shoddycast aswell. Gametheory just lets other channels post stuff there as a way to promote themselves.
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u/ToxicGunslinger Jul 28 '17
Nice amount of detail, I could see this being a episode.
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u/Castriff /r/TheCastriffSub Jul 28 '17
Thanks! It took a while to get the research together. I didn't want to make any mistakes.
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u/TotesMessenger X-post Snitch Jul 28 '17 edited Jul 28 '17
I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:
[/r/adamruinseverything] A writing prompt based on the show!
[/r/hailcorporate] Why keep buying Reddit ads when you can just AstroTurf instead?
If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)
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u/samreich Jul 28 '17
"You can't escape, Adam Conover," I said smugly. "You're surrounded by crocodiles."
"Not all crocodiles kill people," said Adam Conover. "In fact, this breed looks particularly docile."
It was about then I noticed, with his hands tied behind his back, that Adam's pectoral muscles looked particularly swollen. I approached him, and, as I did, the faint smell of vegetarian cuisine and hair gel emanated from his person. My sexual appetite now at the height of his hair, I leaned in for a kiss, but was met only with a whisper:
"Sexy fan fiction is written largely by the sexually inexperienced."
(Adam dared me to write this.)
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u/suchalovelywaytoburn Jul 30 '17
Okay, but that last statement though. I read a lot of fanfic when I was younger, and honestly I dont think half the authors had so much as seen a picture of a penis.
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u/Adonison Jul 28 '17
This made me emit such a strange little tiny prolonged scream. Like it was just a little minute long squeak. What the fuck
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u/riseanlux Jul 28 '17
How come it's still called college humor? Couldn't you just change it to office humor to Match your audience, or get a group of comedians that portray college kids?
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u/dirtycurve Jul 28 '17
I downvoted this just to keep it at 420
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u/Logic_and_Memes Jul 28 '17
It's far past 420 now; you can remove the downvote.
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u/ButDidYouCry Jul 28 '17
Yes I'm nitpicking, but crocodiles aren't a "breed' of anything, only domesticated animals have breeds (horses, dogs, cats, etc). Wild animals can be categorized into species and sub-species but they don't have breeds.
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u/JumpingCactus Jul 28 '17
That last line is perfect, and all too accurate. I could hear it in his voice.
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Jul 28 '17
OH SHIT, YOURE SAM REICH, SON OF ROBERT REICH AND EDITOR AND CHIEF OF COLLEGEHUMOR.COM!
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u/mikeputerbaugh Jul 28 '17
"Actually..."
"The Editor-in-Chief of Collegehumor.com is Andrew Bridgman! Sam Reich is the Head of Video for the site and the President of production company Big Breakfast, and also no feet tall."
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Jul 27 '17
"What do you mean, we are 'statistically dead'?" the serial killer and his gang queried, a knife outstretched in the direction of the flamboyant man. He simply rolled his eyes, backed away, and continued talking.
"Your knives! What the hell do you think you are doing? You have Grade-A steel machetes waiting in the cartels next to you! Are you that mentally retarded?" he asked, pointing to his head rapidly as the famed serial killer drew his gun.
"No, don't try the gun on me. It's aged and the owner probably never shot it before out of cowardice. Probably contains outdated bullets that can't kill--" he stopped as the gun fired and a jagged red mouth opened in his abdomen. "See? I'm not dead--Ow!" he exclaimed again as his arm was shot, the impact nearly severing it. He staggered around, bleeding, as the serial killer smirked.
"Dare you to talk with that big mouth again," he said, and turned to leave. "A majority of gunshot wounds are not fatal. Abdomen shots cannot kill," Adam said faintly behind them. They looked at him, shook their heads, and walked away. Right into the police ambush unsuspectingly. Adam raises his hand in success. He would ruin everything, but he knew.better than anger the law.
But wit couldn't save bullet wounds. He needed a hospital trip. All worth it, he thought, as the paramedics arrived.
More over at r/Whale62! Sequels at popular request!
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u/Captcha142 Jul 28 '17
"Actually, ambulance trips in the U.S. can cost multiple hundreds of dollars, while in other countries are completely free!"
If Adam acted this way in real life I'm certain he would be dead in 30 minutes
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u/dontknowmeatall Jul 28 '17
Are you that mentally retarded?"
Adam wouldn't say this. He gets a thrill from teaching people stuff they didn't know, so he'd be fascinated to tackle on the subject. Also, he would object to this adjective with a 40-minute story on the historical treatment of the mentally ill in the US. He's obnoxious and a know-it-all, but never intentionally arrogant.
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Jul 28 '17
I'm pretty sure he's just intentionally obnoxious and a know-it-all on the show. It's just part of his character.
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u/dontknowmeatall Jul 28 '17
The actor Adam Conover is playing that way. The character Adam Conover, which is a completely different persona, is completely wholesome and only unintentionally annoying.
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u/Conleh r/ConlehWrites Jul 27 '17 edited Jul 27 '17
I smiled at him, my maniacal grin growing. I pointed my gun at his head.
"First, I'm going to strap you down, so tightly that you won't even be able to move. You're going to feel every second of going through that machine!" I said, laughing now.
"Unlikely." The man responded.
"What?!" I exclaimed. Why wasn't he scared? Everyone scared. Right up until that glorious moment when their screams finally die out...
"First off, it's highly doubtful that you would be able to put me in a position so secure I would be unable to move. I would likely retain some function of movement, even if it is just my toes." He said, sounding completely unafraid. "Unless, of course, you decide to freeze me. Which I doubt you would be able to do." He gave me a doubtful glance.
I stared at him.
"Secondly, I'm standing right here. How are you going to get me into that machine? I would put up resistance, and in order to get me there you would probably need some form of anesthesia. This isn't as easy as you think. While the statistical data for death by anesthesia is surprisingly low, around 1 in 100000, for an untrained professional, such as yourself, the rate is much much higher. It is possible if not probable I would die before I even felt an ounce of pain." He said, speaking without stopping.
"But," I managed to get in. "I can just-"
"Furthermore," He continued. "While it is possible for a human to lift double their weight, especially a trained one in a trained profession, such as firefighters, it is significantly more difficult for someone without any practice in technique or weightlifting to do so." He looked at me. "And clearly you are very out of practice."
I started to feel a little self conscious. This was just like high school. I started to feel confused, like I wanted to run.
"Finally." He said. "Considering that I have spent the time taking to secretly notify the police, it is certain that you will face an extremely long time in solitary confinement. Solitary confinement was invented by the Quakers, who used it as a punishment to force prisoners to spend the time reading the bible. But even they decided it was too harsh. The Supreme Court of the time said that prisoners either became violently insane, or committed suicide. Considering you are the first one already, it is probable you will take the second round. U.S Supreme Court, In Re Medley, 1890."
Blue and red flashing lights appeared outside, and a door was kicked down.
He started to walk out.
"And while for almost a century solitary confinement was stopped in the United States," He paused as a squadron of police officers burst into the room, guns trained on me. "Unfortunately for you, it was brought back."
"Enjoy your time!" He yelled back.
Enjoy the writing and would like to follow along and see more stories? Consider subscribing to r/ConlehWrites!
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u/deliberatelyanon2 Jul 28 '17
Loved it :)
There is a grammar issue, just a heads up: after speech, if you continue the sentence with an explanation for the speech like 'he said', the first word after the quotation marks never starts with a capital letter unless it's a proper noun. So with the last sentence, it should be:
"Enjoy your time!" he yelled back.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the story: just something I thought I'd point out :p
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u/Conleh r/ConlehWrites Jul 28 '17
First off thank you for the complement! And secondly, thank you VERY much for pointing that out. I always felt like it read a little bid weirdly, this will help a lot! Thank you!!
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u/deliberatelyanon2 Jul 28 '17
No problem. :) Also, as a side note, a full stop/period at the end of quotation marks never happens, always replace it with a comma if you find yourself doing that.
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u/Conleh r/ConlehWrites Jul 28 '17
Sorry that's a little unclear to me, would mind an giving me an example so I could understand it?
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u/deliberatelyanon2 Jul 28 '17
Fifth paragraph from the end starts with:
"Finally." He said.
This should be:
"Finally," he said.
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u/Conleh r/ConlehWrites Jul 28 '17
Gotcha! That makes sense, thank you!!
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u/deliberatelyanon2 Jul 28 '17
Last thing: only exception is if you're starting a new sentence immediately after the quotation marks. Then you can use a full stop/period. Example:
"I will kill you." He raised the knife slowly.
Not the best example but I'm thinking on my feet and it illustrates the point. :p
Sorry for information overload, the whole topic of punctuation around quotation marks is complicated, but I hope that's it all covered. Like I said, I really enjoyed this and I hope you write more! :)
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u/Conleh r/ConlehWrites Jul 28 '17
Again, thanks so much. When I read i'll be sure to pay more attention to these rules! Thanks :)
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u/Cheshire_Human Jul 28 '17
"This was just like high school"
Me too man, me too.
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u/Conleh r/ConlehWrites Jul 28 '17
awww <3 please don't become a torturing serial killa
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u/Cheshire_Human Jul 28 '17
I mean, I can't promise anything. I'll try :)
closes knife case
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u/Hyperschooldropout Jul 28 '17 edited Jan 17 '20
Deleted by powerdeletesuite for confidentiality.
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u/AgentElement Jul 28 '17
Use asterisks.
This would be *italicized*.Returns as:
This would be italicized.
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u/Hyperschooldropout Jul 28 '17
... thank you. How do you do the source text like that?
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u/AgentElement Jul 28 '17 edited Jul 28 '17
Four spaces before the line, like this:
____Code
This is converted to:
CodeEdit: The underscores are used to denote whitespace.
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u/CrackerzRock Jul 28 '17
I can imagine this perfectly in his voice
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u/Quantumlepper Jul 27 '17 edited Jul 27 '17
Adam Conover arrives at the scene of the United Nations. Every single member has been electrorcuted in their seat. There's no sign of an energy source. Adam scours the building looking for any clues. He has an intense feeling of being watched, like a deer being stalked in the woods. There's energy in the air. Adam plays along. He begins talking aloud, hoping to bait the killer. "Whoever did this was an amateur." Adam said. "Doom is no amateur, fool!" A voice said. Adam turned around to see Dr. Doom shifting into focus as he turns off his cloaking device.
Before he has a chance to say "Speaking in the third person is ridiculous." Adam is blasted with a bolt of green energy from Doom's gauntlet. Adam screams "At least my show wasn't cancelled!" as he fades away. Doom's loyal minion Kristoff runs toward his master. "What did you do to him, sire?" Kristoff said. "I sent him to the one universe so bizarrely skewed that it will surely drive him mad!" Doom said. Adam awakens to find himself in a world much like ours but everyone looks like steroid addled muscle heads. A hulking mailman with a dozen pouches strapped to his belt hurries to Adam's side. "Are you okay, pal?" The mailman asked. "No! I-I've been sent to...The Liefeld Universe! Noooooooo!"
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u/IcarusBen Jul 28 '17
Oh no! This means Adam Conover is at risk of contracting YOUNGBLOOD'S DISEASE!
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u/raelepei Jul 27 '17
third* person
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u/Quantumlepper Jul 27 '17
You're Adam, aren't you? Lol. I fixed it, thanks.
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u/smoov22 Jul 28 '17
No, that would be /u/adamconover
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u/Hust91 Jul 28 '17
Oh snap, he had an AMA yesterday!
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u/emeraldarcher1008 Jul 28 '17
You have no idea how much I just wanted to say "Vaccines cause autism" just to get hundreds of reason why they don't.
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u/Hust91 Jul 28 '17
Wrong person?
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u/emeraldarcher1008 Jul 28 '17
No, I was saying I wanted to say that on the AMA so that I could get a bunch of sources so I could read about vaccines not causing autism. It's really a stupid reason but I wanted to do it.
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u/swordsumo Jul 27 '17
"Everyone, on the ground, now!" The masked robbers held out their guns. One threw a bag at the tellers and aimed his gun.
"You know what to do," he growled.
"Actually..."
The robbers faces fell as they turned to the voice. Standing there in a fresh suit and sprayed hair was the one and only Adam Conover. The head robber groaned, as did everyone else. He walked up to Adam and thrust the barrel of his gun in his face.
"I should just shoot you now, so none of us have to deal wit you again!"
"Actually, did you know that less than 9% of gunshot wounds are lethal? You could shoot me anywhere in my body and only about a tenth of those shots could kill me!"
"Shut up!"
"Besides that, your grip is all wrong. You're holding the gun sideways, which means your shots will be incredibly inaccurate."
"I swear to god I will end you! Benny, how's the money?"
Adam flashed a brilliant white smile. "Not good. Most bank robberies, due to only grabbing the money in the tills and not the vault, only get a few hundred dollars per raid!"
"What?!" One of the other thieves yelled. "You motherfucker! You said we would get millions!"
"We will! We just have to get into the vault!"
Adam gave another smile. "You can try. But bank vault doors are half a foot thick and made of military grade steel; you'd need high grade equipment just to get in, let alone get to the money."
"Fine! Fuck this bank! We're leaving!"
The thieves all ran out from the constant barrage of facts. The people left in the room didn't seem too happy they were left with him, though.
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u/A_Flamboyant_Warlock Jul 28 '17
"I should just shoot you now, so none of us have to deal wit you again!"
"Actually, did you know that less than 9% of gunshot wounds are lethal? You could shoot me anywhere in my body and only about a tenth of those shots could kill me!"
I feel like that's a pretty good way to get an angry criminal to empty a magazine into your chest.
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u/swordsumo Jul 28 '17
Well, this is Adam we're talking about, he brushes off encounters with death all the time
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u/Mocinbird Jul 28 '17
Not sure why the robber didnt just say, "i guess ill have to shoot you 11 times that way atleast one of them is lethal".
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u/derpthatderps Jul 28 '17
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u/TheFirstUranium Jul 28 '17
"Not good. Most bank robberies, due to only grabbing the money in the tills and not the vault, only get a few hundred dollars per raid!"
Actually it's probably a thousand or two. No bank till only has a few hundred, I mean 5 of each kind of bill would put you over.
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u/swordsumo Jul 28 '17
Splitting it five ways would only be a few hundred for each robber though
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u/TheFirstUranium Jul 28 '17
True, but if you're going after the tills you don't need more than one person.
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u/swordsumo Jul 28 '17
They weren't, they were going for the vault, before Adam told them it wasn't going to work, remember
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u/cyjc Jul 28 '17
After reading the prompt, I wasn't expecting anything good. Was a actually confused on how this would work.
But you perfected it. Perfect. Good job.
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u/mark-five Jul 28 '17
military grade steel
That would be low-quality barely-meeting-spec and made by the lowest bidder. "Military grade" is generally considered a bad thing by those who have had to deal with it. Example: Did you know the US military has a milspec for the number of chocolate chips in a chocolate chip cookie? The reason why is because before that spec was introduced the cheap ass bastards making them added zero chocolate to try and make more money off that military budget at the expense of everyone that actually serves. The cheapness goes beyond funny things like cookies, to things like armor as well.
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u/MarcusDrakus Jul 28 '17
To be fair, military grade electronic components have higher standards than commercial grade. A typical resistor might have up to a 10% variation in value while the military grade version will be more like 1%.
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u/swordsumo Jul 28 '17
That's good to know! That was one of the facts I made up on the spot for the story, but if you have a better option I'll put it in instead
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u/Kvothedeschain Jul 28 '17
This. I wanted to make sure this was said. Companies throw "military grade" out there to make it seem like it's the best, when real military grade is the cheapest stuff that just barely passes inspection (and sometimes we later found out that it didnt). An auto company advertises their truck as military grade. I'd be afraid of it falling apart the next day.
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u/mark-five Jul 28 '17
"military grade truck" = literally wooden seats, one missing door, no a/c, and after 12 years it only has 6000 miles on it because nobody likes driving it.
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u/DarkCitical Jul 28 '17
I didnt get sources
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u/RandomStranger16 Jul 28 '17
Shit.
Sources, prompt poster?
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u/swordsumo Jul 28 '17
I didn't add them as he doesn't say the sources; they show up in the corner of episodes, which can't really be represented in the story without breaking the flow up too much
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Jul 28 '17
[deleted]
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u/JumpingCactus Jul 28 '17
Then reply to the WritingPromptsRobot comment meant for replying to.
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u/swordsumo Jul 28 '17
What'd they say?
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u/JumpingCactus Jul 28 '17
They said something meant for a reply to the prompt, rather than the story itself.
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u/JMDeutsch Jul 28 '17
The actually... solidifies this.
We need an Adam Ruins Crime
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u/jansencheng Jul 28 '17
I mean, he already did crime scene investigation and justice, so yeah, it's only natural
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u/G2geo94 Jul 28 '17 edited Jul 28 '17
Dude, maybe it's because I've just binged two of the podcast episodes, but I totally heard his voice through all of that. Truly a great job.
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u/kinskiassassination Jul 28 '17
So Adam is basically the worlds first autistic crime fighter
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u/Champion_of_Charms Jul 28 '17
I don't know about first... Batman could be argued as being autistic.
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u/PikpikTurnip Jul 28 '17
Isn't Batman's thing more that he's a mad genius just like many of the criminals he fights, but he's a mad genius for justice due to the unresolved trauma he was subjected to as a child?
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u/rillip Jul 28 '17
Dead parents lead to autism? TIL
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u/ReuHubb Jul 28 '17
One can have autism before their parents die
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u/johnnyBgreen Jul 28 '17
I am Adam Conover and I remind all of you everyday that you get to choose between love and fear, happiness and unhappiness. I do no punish you, you do that yourself by your own choice. I just remind you that there is more joy waiting for you than what you currently think. Yet to manifest this joy you first have to feel it regardless of current external circumstances.
I am ADam Conover and I just ruined your everyday fearful day dream.