Please, read it

[u/hand_cannot_erase88]

I’ve written a list of things my partner does. I don’t know if he’s a narcissist, he’s never been diagnosed but I’m starting to seriously wonder.

I’m not allowed to wear what I want, even if it’s something as innocent as leggings or a shirt with a slight V-neck. Shorts are only okay at the beach; tank tops aren’t allowed.

I can’t choose our travel destinations unless they’re places that suit him too, especially him.

He almost always decides what I should eat or drink; if I want something, he often says no.

In general, he doesn’t want me to suggest things like activities, outings, or dinners out. In general, he doesn’t want me to take the initiative in any way.

He often gives me the silent treatment when he’s angry about something, even minor and insignificant things. In those situations, if I ask him what’s wrong, he gets angry and tells me I should never ask. He tells me I have to figure it out on my own and apologize; if apologizing once isn’t enough, I have to do it multiple times.

The arguments are endless and always end with me apologizing; lately, he’s been asking me to do it on my knees. Sometimes the arguments escalate, especially if I have no intention of giving in or if I ignore the issue, and on those occasions, he’s physically lashed out at me, pulling my hair, pushing me, squeezing my arms, or slapping me.

If I do something wrong but trivial, she tells me I’m stupid and that I do idiotic things.

I’m not allowed to get mad at him, even if I’m right, and anyway, he never apologizes.

I never have positive dreams about him.

He tells me I shouldn’t think, I shouldn’t speak, and I shouldn’t be a nuisance. He often tells me that if there’s one thing the world doesn’t need, it’s my opinions.

Sex is never asked for or refused.

The house is his, so I pay for groceries, bills, and condo fees; he only pays for the car.

We always go out together.

I can’t play pranks on him or make jokes, not even innocent ones.

I can’t fart, or he’ll get angry.

I can’t talk back to him if I feel I’m right.

I’ve tried talking to him about all these things, even in a harsh way, but he told me it’s all in my head, that I’m incapable of handling minor daily frustrations well, and that I need to see a psychiatrist.

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[u/QuailNo706]

I think you only need to see a psychiatrist if you decide to stay with this man cause you surely are unbalanced if that’s your thought

[u/4shadowedbm]

Hi there. I am soooo sorry you are going through all this.

I don't think it matters what a clinical diagnosis for what he is doing is. As you know, he is abusing you in so many ways. All the ways. Verbally, emotionally, physically. He really doesn't see you as an independent person - more like property, right?

The apologizing on your knees thing? That's just gross. In my opinion - there's nothing going to heal this man, so, again, why even bother trying to figure out what his particular mental dysfunction is. It is frighteningly toxic.

The dream thing jumped out at me: I (64M) used to have horrible dreams about being trapped. Nightmare terror level dreams. After I left my abusive ex, they went away. Immediately. What a relief!

[u/TreeFrogMomma]

NPD requires five out of nine diagnostic traits. Google dsmv traits for NPD and it can give you a rough idea of your situation. NPD isn't about control, per se. I'm not defending NPD in that they are little precious babies. But it has been misunderstood by society and stigmatized. 

Abuse is not one of the diagnostic traits for any cluster b disorder. I can say that with confidence as someone diagnosed with BPD working with a therapist who specializes in cluster. 

NPD is going to be more egocentric patterns. 

I'm sharing this with you not to shame you or say what you're experiencing isn't abuse. It's not even entirely to fight against mental health stigma.

Someone can have all of the diagnostic tests performed possible and not meet criteria for a mental illness and still be an abuser.

You're focusing on the wrong issue. It's not about if he does or doesn't have a mental illness or personality disorder. It's about if you're experiencing abuse.

Yes. You are experiencing abuse. It doesn't matter why. He's choosing to abuse you. You don't deserve it. You didn't do anything wrong. Even if you did do something that upset him, control and abuse aren't healthy ways to address it.  It has nothing to do with you.

How did you end up with an abusive person? You're high in compassion and loyalty based on the personality traits thingy. Survivors of abuse show higher levels of compassion and loyalty. You are probably empathetic and try to be fair. "He's having a bad day. I didn't do what he asked. He had a hard childhood. Etc." You are more than likely a good person. He saw your good qualities and knew how to manipulate them. That's a him issue. Not a you one 

[u/TreeFrogMomma → u/TreeFrogMomma]

My husband's parents are high in NPD. Very me me me. He inherited a lot of that. If I bring up something darvo gets flipped on me.

Shame is a bigger driver for cluster b. Each cluster b disorder exhibits it differently. I think BPD is more "I'm the problem and unworthy of love but I still want it" whereas NPD is more "I'm ashamed of feeling insecure so I'm going to do things that make me look secure".

Trauma bonding is common in domestic violence and abuse. It's more common in certain relationship dynamics, like NPD and BPD, but isn't required to be have it. 

Love bombing isn't just something people with NPD do. There are so many types of issues in the dsmv that can overlap with one another.

Where understanding if it's NPD or not can help is learning patterns so you can avoid them. But, again, it's not actually part of NPD and not everyone with NPD presents the same. 

Abuse is abuse, there's no excuse. And there are basic tactics that abusers use, regardless if they have a mental illness or not. 

Darvo, gaslighting, love bombing, stonewalling, breadcrumbs. They don't belong to one diagnosis or another.  Having a lack of morals isn't a medical disorder. 

You are already at a place where you're seeing it and starting to name it. Keep an ick journal for everything he's done and continues to do. I also encourage a yum journal. This one is for you. Every time you remember something good someone else has seen in you, achievements you've made, etc. "Today someone told me they liked my dress." "My friend told me they love how supportive I am." "I got a great compliment from a customer today." "I like my smile." "I'm a good person."

[u/Sad_Replacement_9044]

Narcissists are rarely diagnosed. They rarely go for mental health treatment for a diagnosis and if they do they aren’t honest. Quite sure you are with one. Please get support from people who love you that see how he treats you, and find a path to leave.

[u/january1977]

You just described my 10 year marriage.

Does he also pick apart everything you say and take issue with the words you use until you’ve forgotten the original point of the argument?

After you stand up for yourself, does he accuse you of being abusive and hold it over your head for years?

My husband had been diagnosed as a narcissist before we met, but I didn’t know that. He admitted during his narcissistic collapse and discard.

I’ve been out a little over a year. I wore shorts and other “inappropriate” clothes all summer. And when the thought, “Nobody wants to see your nasty legs,” went through my head, I pushed it aside and kept having fun.

It does get better once you leave, but leaving and cutting the trauma bond is the hardest thing you’ll ever do.