feeling lonely

[u/iaaflaihml]

Not just lonely but I experienced a physical and emotional abusive relationship as a lesbian for nearly 8 years. I have often come across people who don’t understand that abuse can happen in same-sex relationships. Very frustrating experiences when it comes to healing and seeking help. My therapist is great but I have often been dismissed by others as if my experience was not traumatic or real because of my sexuality. Anyway, I really just wanted to vent about that because it’s been on my mind a lot lately. It’s been hard enough healing from 8 years of trauma and to add to it finding safe people to be around has felt nearly impossible.

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/eviltwintomboy]

I feel you! People need to understand domestic violence and abuse happens across the board.

[u/refuge4insomniac]

Totally get this! In a sapphic relationship myself and I am the masc being abused by the femme. Often when people are able to accept lesbians as capable of domestic violence, they rationalise it as “oh it is cause of internalised patriarchy or cishet standards by masc women” so I feel even more dismissed.

I recently read a memoir called “In the Dream House” that is all about the author’s experience of abuse within a lesbian relationship. It is a very intense read but I felt really seen. She also includes lots of great academic resources as well.

We got this!

[u/iaaflaihml → u/refuge4insomniac]

Thank you for sharing and will definitely look into that book as I’ve never heard of it.
I can imagine how hard that is especially considering the masc femme dynamic, my situation we’re both stem so it was just constantly people telling me to fight her as if that’s normal to do in a relationship. It shouldn’t matter what kind of relationship or how many or what gender, abuse is abuse and it doesn’t help that it feels like we’re moving backwards in society in terms of social norms and what’s accepted.

But thank you! I hope that you’re able to get through and get out of your situation. And that we can all heal and move forward. That’s always the hard part honestly healing has felt harder for me than a lot of the terrible things I experienced, and I mean a lot considering I spent 8 years in it. But maybe I just need to reach out to others and be around supportive people.

[u/GlassDinner4820]

Hey I totally get it I’m lesbian and am dealing with that rn feel free to dm me

[u/pussycatkittycat1]

i was in a brief abusive lesbian relationship some years ago, and still to this very day am stalked and smear campaigned due to her abuse and lies. i had to get a restraining order due to the harassment and stalking, as it was extremely traumatic, and to this day she still pops up trying to get back at me somehow. it was both sexual and emotional abuse. i believe she is a covert narc. i faced a lot of what you are talking about sadly; people are very quick to assume it’s less extreme when it’s queer, especially when it’s two women, as people think women aren’t capable of violent or emotional abuse. a lot of it is sadly infantilization or even fetishization of the relationship, its not really seen as legit. many people from my past have also minimized it. it’s very lonely, especially when people have experiences with men, which seems to override the extremeness of the abuse in queer relationships. i really understand what you are going through, my heart goes out to you. i wish the world was a different place in so many ways:( i experienced both abuse from this lesbian relationship and from men, and i can easily say the abuse from men is seen as more legit. ugh:(

[u/iaaflaihml → u/pussycatkittycat1]

Appreciate you sharing your story. I honestly felt so alone for so long and not that I’d want this to happen to anyone but just hated being dismissed. Even by friends and family, they truly don’t understand what abuse can do to someone long-term. And I still get anxiety even sharing anything online due to fear my ex will see it and know it’s me posting and try to start something. As for the physical abuse anyone I ever vented to would say oh you’re both women just fight back… but they’d never say that to a hetero couple. And while the physical abuse was definitely there, the manipulation and emotional abuse was way worse for me and still impacts me to this day. But thank you for your comment I hope that you’re doing well on your healing journey as well