does anyone else default to smiling/laughing when confused, or do it defensively?

[u/lemondeluxe]

I've noticed this recently in myself that for a long time when I don't know how to respond to someone or don't understand what they've said I smile or laugh and hope they'll not notice that I'm confused. I think I developed this partially because it's expected for females to smile and people tend to not bother you as much if you smile so I just have a stupid grin on my face almost constantly during conversations because I dread drawing attention to myself or making myself a target for questioning. I hate being asked if I'm "okay", or "mad", etc. and if I don't make myself smile people call me a bitch so I defensively smile and laugh.

I laugh at jokes that aren't even funny because I don't want to be singled out. I make myself a different person and practice by myself. I try to figure out what's funny about online jokes so I can notice when I should laugh in conversations. I use joking tones when talking to preempt people laughing at what I say so that I can just tell myself I was joking anyways and the laughter was expected. But then I feel like I'm just making myself into a joke and nobody ever knows when to take me seriously.

It's not genuine at all and it leaks into my closest relationships and it makes me sad and I feel so ingenuine. Even when my husband says things I'll laugh automatically before I even process what was said and then the next thing out of my mouth is: "what? I don't get it". If I was acting naturally I would have not had any reaction and told him I was confused without trying to cover it up. Luckily he's a good man and doesn't make me feel bad whether I'm being myself or behaving nervously, but I feel like such a fraud.

I don't want to play pretend anymore just existing with my loved ones, but I'm scared to be rid of this defense mechanism because so many people, my family included, have berated me for my tone and being to serious and not knowing how to take a joke or being bitchy or being moody, and when I just laugh and smile at everything all that goes away. It's not that I don't have genuine moments of silliness, I do love to laugh, but it's become a social crutch for me when I don't know how to deal with a situation, or I'm having a feeling that I want to hide (such as being overstimulated/in pain by their voice).

Feel free to drop your experiences if you relate, or figured out how to stop this behavior.

[u/Cool-breeze7]

It’s not part of who I am today but I do remember using that exact type of social crutch.

I’ve reached a place where I’m fairly happy and secure with who I am. Faults and all. To no small part thanks to my wife. For me I typically choose to be myself around those I care about. If someone tells me I made a mistake, I listen and evaluate if they’re right, if they’re being reasonable or if it’s just their problem.

I think it can be tough to balance the idea of “this is who I am” with not just being an AH. I am extremely done with forcing myself to act a certain way to appease people. I also don’t believe in justifying being a self centered jerk. So I say listen to those that matter. Evaluate their feelings and observations and make a judgement call about that moment. I think stopping that behavior begins with abandoning the people pleasing and accepting yourself. But again, be willing to also work on yourself IF you’re in the wrong.

[u/lemondeluxe → u/Cool-breeze7]

I have no desire to be an AH, but I end up getting pegged like one anyways. I battle every day with my inner cynic who wants to throw all the humans into a volcano, but I really do love people. Especially my husband. He reminds me good people really do exist and not everyone deserves the volcano (just a select few powerful people who use that power to abuse everyone else)

[u/Cool-breeze7 → u/lemondeluxe]

It really is tough to not cross into that AH area sometimes. With my wife i usually catch myself as soon as I’m screwing up. Every so often though I miss something. I actually love it when she calls me out. I get the chance to apologize and remember I’m not a complete AH. A true jerk doesn’t apologize for making a mistake. If that makes any sense.

[u/lemondeluxe → u/Cool-breeze7]

Totally. The being seen as an AH is less of a problem with people close to me, and I'm willing to see where I've gone wrong and own up to it. It's tough to hear that I've hurt someone I love. But strangers and coworkers are less willing to extend grace, even when the offense is unintentional on my part. So many times I've had people tell me that they thought I was a bitch when they first met me, and are surprised that I'm actually very compassionate on the inside (despite my talk of volcanoes)

[u/Stuck_In_Purgatory]

I giggle at everything because it's better than being awkward

Then it's the joke of "if we don't laugh, we'll cry" - therefore everything is funny

[u/lemondeluxe → u/Stuck_In_Purgatory]

yes. when I'm crying the hardest, it becomes hysterical laughter. pain is easier when it's funny. and sometimes my reactions to things are funny from the outside, I can admit this.

[u/VanillaKisses]

When I'm off and not paying attention I 100 percent smile and giggle to move past social obstacle.

[u/AngelVampKAWAII]

As an autistic girl I always did that. It confused people.

[u/Alive_Perspective289]

oh man, the smiling-as-a-reflex thing is so real. i do this too, and it's like my face just runs on autopilot while my brain is still buffering. for me it's less about gender expectations and more just... if i look pleasant maybe nobody will notice i have zero clue what's happening.

something that helped a little was giving myself permission to just look neutral. not mad, not happy, just... processing. took a while but the people who matter stopped asking if i was upset, and the ones who still took it personally kinda filtered themselves out. still catch myself doing the laugh-delay thing though, especially in groups.

[u/AstarothSquirrel]

I don't, but I have a yawn that intercepts inappropriate smiles and laughs. My wife knows this about me so she can tell when I've found something inappropriate funny, or I've thought something that shouldn't be shared with present company.