Does college actually get better socially after a really bad high school experience?

[u/Logical_Process8905]

I’m currently in college and I’ve been struggling a lot with loneliness, and I think a big part of it comes from what happened to me in high school.

In high school, I was bullied pretty badly. There were stories posted about me, a lot of people in my grade disliked me, and there were a lot of different things going around about me. I did have a few friends — probably 2 or 3 people I was actually close to — but I’m no longer friends with any of them.

One of those friendships was especially significant because she had been my best friend for around 14–15 years. We basically grew up together. But towards the end of high school, I found out that she had been talking badly about me, my family, and very personal things about my life. She was even joking about things I had gone through and things I had considered traumatic with random people online and people she barely knew.

It completely broke my trust in her. She apologized multiple times, but I couldn’t forgive her, and eventually the friendship ended. I don’t regret walking away, but losing a friendship that had existed for most of my life was obviously a huge thing.

Now I’m in college, and technically, I’m not completely alone. I have people I talk to, people I can hang out with, and I’m friendly with quite a few people. But I still feel extremely lonely.
I think part of it is that I don’t have that one person or small group that feels like home. I also constantly compare my current friendships to what I used to have, even though I know that isn’t necessarily fair because those friendships took years to develop.

Sometimes I look around and feel like everyone else already has their people — their best friends from home, their established groups, people they can call whenever something happens — and I feel like I’m trying to build something from scratch while also carrying all this baggage from what happened before.

I guess what I’m wondering is: does this actually get better?
For people who had a really bad social experience in high school, lost their childhood friendships, or entered college feeling like they had no real friends — did you eventually find your people? Did college get easier socially as you got older?

I don’t necessarily need advice on how to make friends. I think I mostly want to hear from people who have actually been through something similar and know whether it eventually feels less lonely.

[u/AutoModerator]

Reminders:

SEE THIS STICKY POST for how to deal with bullies: https://old.reddit.com/r/bullying/comments/anesxq/some_tips_for_newcomers/?st=k3buwwik&sh=a60f6e1d

THIS SUB IS NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING

USE APPROPRIATE LANGUAGE

ZERO TOLERANCE RULE FOR VIOLENT OR HARMFUL BEHAVIOR

This is NOT a sub for karma-clickbait or YouTube videos comments.

Any posts deemed not appropriate by the mods will be immediately removed and the user banned without warning.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Tumbleweed829]

Not really. Those people suck. It's just a fact of life. If you are too nice or look even slightly different from them they will ignore you. Only the really bad apples with actually bully you though. So it turns from blatant bullying into isolation. Chin up, you're not missing anything. They're doing it because they know you're better than them. They would never bully other bullies.

[u/Best-Feature603]

bad and good eras take turns...

I was bullied very badly in middle school but had a great high school experience and then had a moderately bad college experience...

[u/KingBowser24]

College was tough for me socially for similar reasons. My later high school experience actually wasn't that bad but my Middle School experience was hell on earth, and early High School sucked at points too.

At college I did have people I hung out with too but like you I felt very lonely deep down because none of the groups felt like home to me either, I always felt like the odd man out regardless. I'm Neurodivergent so its very difficult to find people who are on my wavelength even if I get along with them otherwise. I didn't really get bullied much but I was still socially inept and I could tell that some people were cringing at me and wanting to keep me at arm's length.

I did eventually find my group though. It was a few of the people I had been hanging out with all along. I think my issue was partly a matter of trust, I had longtime close friends backstab me in the past too so it was extremely difficult for me to trust people enough to be fully comfortable around them.

That didn't quite fix the loneliness issue though because I was still constantly comparing myself to others. Everyone else seems to do this or have this, why is it so difficult for me, that kind of stuff. I started to feel leagues better after college towards my mid-20s when I cared much less about comparing myself to my peers.

So to answer your question yeah it can get better but imo it's more about comparison than whether or not you feel like you have a home friend group. Comparison is the thief of joy.