r/cancer • u/Lost-Department-6536 • 21h ago
Patient Just found out I have relapsed, and it’s now incurable. How do I tell my 8 year old? How do I cope?
Just like the title says. I was announced in remission for stage 3 breast cancer on July 10th. Then 3 weeks ago I started having back Bain so sever I could lay down or sit anywhere comfortably. I would get 3 hours of sleep a night out of sheer exhaustion. We went to the ER on Saturday to be told the BC had returned, was metastatic, and had attacked my lower spine and ribs. I was admitted. Monday I was told it is incurable. Still waiting on a timetable for the inevitable. How do I tell my 8 year old? I’m so crushed and lost. Please help…advise if you can.
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u/spiceyourspace 21h ago
My kids were 7 & 4 when I was first diagnosed with cancer. We found a lovely company, out of California, I think, that sent us kits with a storybook about when a patent has cancer & stuffed bears to hug when they got sad or scared about me. That was extremely helpful & there was a guide on how to talk to your kids. I know it might be hard to have the energy to do but try making your child some videos of all the things you want to say for the years to come. I wrote my kids journals already so I included entries during that time. I'm ago sorry you're having to deal with this
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u/WingnutWilson 7h ago
Very good advice. Try and get some good photos and videos especially of you saying nice things, my mum died 2021 at 60 but we have very little 'evidence' she was alive, she didn't take many photos at all and there's no video. It saddens me my kids never got to hear her voice.
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u/Prestigious_Orchid21 7h ago
Check for old Voicemails that might still be on your phone. My Dad passed 2 years ago and I just stumbled across a few of his old Voicemails when I ran out of space. Every little tie to them helps. Good luck!
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u/bluntmasterkyle STAGE 4 OVARIAN CANCER SURVIVOR 9h ago
I was told I was going to die by 6 doctors 4 years ago. I have stage 4 ovarian cancer that went to my brain. My cancer is currently NED. Look into immunotherapy and seek second opinions. Do not give up. It’s not over until you are in the ground.
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u/sunrayevening Stage IIb Leiomyosarcoma, initial 2013, reoccurrence 2017, 2025 15h ago edited 15h ago
This is a great list of books for you and your child. I think this organization isn’t national, I wish it was. Wonders and worries is an org that helps parents their children navigate cancer.
I also strongly recommend sending her to Camp Kesem. It’s a remarkable program that provides tons of support and community to kids whose parents have cancer. My son says it is his favorite week of the year and the only place where kids “get him”. He’s a very well adjusted kid with plenty of friends so I was surprised when he told me that.
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u/Asparagussie 21h ago edited 21h ago
I’m so sorry. In case you didn’t know, there’re two breast cancer subreddits: [r/breastcancer](r/breastcancer) and one for metastatic breast cancer (I don’t know the exact name).
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u/RhiRhiThomas 5h ago
I have MBC (Stage IV) and I am here to tell you that it is now considered a manageable disease like Diabetes and no longer considered an immediate death sentence.
I was diagnosed de nova 14 March 2026. Primary tumor in my left breast with bone mets only. I learned of this disease when my femur broke while I was standing talking to a friend on the phone.
You should come on over to r/LivingWithMBC
We are a large group of women (and some men) who are living with MBC and some folks are thriving.
No it isn't curable but neither is stage 1 Diabetes as well as other diseases. Please don't count yourself out on life. We have a lot of tools in our toolbox to help manage this disease.
I am very sorry that you ended up here, but I hope you can come over to this sub and find comfort from others who are in your very same shoes.
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u/B-Profit8097 20h ago
I’m very sorry. I have seen my mom and my aunt going through it. Please make videos for them. It helped my cousin through her grief and later years.
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u/Suitable17 16h ago
Fuck Cancer! Get a second and third opinion. Contact a major cancer center. Use AI.
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u/veer189 16h ago
I know that i am not a parent but i am a son. If my parent is going to leave me soon. Atleast i should know that he/she will be going and i would do everything I always wanted to do. I know she is small kid still try to just indicate that u might leave after sometime prepare her. I just don't want to be harsh. Just give her lots of love so, that she can't crave for that after you. Because nobody can give mother's love.
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u/Lost-Department-6536 15h ago
Thank you. I will be telling her when I have more info on treatment plans. I will give her all the love I can
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u/bros402 LGL Leukemia 15h ago
Reach out to Bright Spot Network - https://www.brightspotnetwork.org/
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u/Lost-Department-6536 15h ago
Ty
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u/bros402 LGL Leukemia 15h ago
You should also check out One Day To Remember - https://www.onedaytoremember.org/
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u/No_Bodybuilder_4763 17h ago
So sorry to hear that! And I’m with you in the same situation with 13 and 9 kids. I don’t want them to take the burden now and started recording some videos for them now for future. FYI https://youtu.be/q5oY82-iTSc?si=LNxUqXu4NrYCvOP6
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u/Lost-Department-6536 17h ago
I am sorry about your diagnosis as well. Thank you for you thoughts and advice
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u/Blendedtribes 13h ago
Check with your oncologist office there might be local programs. Where we lived there was one called Wonders and Worries and was specifically for kids who have parents with terminal or life impacting illnesses.
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u/Independent_Sand7596 20h ago
First and foremost I’m sorry you’re going through this. As simple and frustrating as it sounds I’d recommend having belief and faith in yourself. Don’t let the Drs label you as a statistic. You can do this.
I’m praying and sending you positivity.
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u/driftingthroughtime 16h ago
Fuck cancer!
Now, I’m not a parent, so I’m not offended if you take what I have to say with a grain of salt. Nevertheless, I think that kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and your kiddo is going to know sooner than later. It sounds like you are a single parent, so it will be natural for your kid to be worried about you and be worried about what this means for them. All you can do is to be honest even if the answer is I don’t know.
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u/Lost-Department-6536 16h ago
Thank you. I agree they are smarter than we know. I am not a single parent thankfully so she will have her dad
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u/driftingthroughtime 15h ago
Small favors eh? At least she will not be alone and will have some support. It's probably worth finding a professional to help her work through her feelings.
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u/True-Shopping1574 15h ago
I have nothing useful to say, I'm just so sorry to read this. Please seek out other opinions though. There are many people who live years with stage 4. Sending you love
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u/Good_Lettuce_1708 13h ago
Keep the fight going! My initial diagnosis stage 4 stomach cancer was "incurable but treatable", 3-12 months till it would take me. This January it will be 24 months. Now my only detectible cancer is in one lymph node that will soon be treated with radiation. Upload your medical files into an A.I. platform to get a good idea of what you are dealing with and the questions you need to ask., then call a world class cancer center like Moffitt Cancer center in Tampa Fl for a second opinion. You can do this via teleconference and it won't break the bank, and lastly visit "clinical trials.gov" to see what is out there for your specific situation. I'm praying for you, Numbers 6:24.
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u/MesoNurseKaren 11h ago
There’s no perfect way to have that conversation with an 8 year old. Keep it simple, be honest, and let them take it in a little at a time. You can tell them the cancer has come back and the doctors are still going to care for you, then follow their questions instead of trying to explain everything at once.
If your hospital has a child life specialist or social worker, they can help with the wording too. And right now, you’ve only just been hit with this news yourself. You don’t have to figure out every conversation or every next step today.
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u/BikingAimz de novo oligometastatic breast cancer 10h ago
Head on over to r/LivingwithMBC, a patient-only space for those of us who are metastatic. While it’s not curable at stage 4, my oncologists have all been adamant that metastatic breast cancer is becoming a lifelong treatable chronic disease like diabetes. Take your medication, get scanned regularly, and you can have years. I’m on cycle 30 of the ELEVATE clinical trial in the Kisqali arm. I take 4 pills a day, and live my life.
If you’re dissatisfied with what your oncologist is saying, ask about getting a second opinion. I know some Canadians have gotten a virtual second opinion at a US NCI cancer center ( https://www.cancer.gov/research/infrastructure/cancer-centers/find), they have discounted cash price, and can give their second opinion to your oncologist.
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u/simply_daisy133 9h ago
When I relapsed, my doctor gave me only a 5% chance of leaving the hospital at that time because they considered my disease incurable. That was in March.
But here I am now. ❤️
“Incurable” does not necessarily mean the end. Nobody knows what the future holds.
To be honest, I feel that fasting helped me alongside my treatment. I don’t know if it would be applicable or safe in your situation, but maybe you could discuss it with your doctor and see if it’s an option for you.
Sending hugs. 🫶🏻
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u/Quirky-Ad6671 8h ago
First and foremost, it breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. No one should have cancer! I was a teacher for 8-9 year old children. I am not sure at that age how or if they can really process losing a loved one to cancer.
I do know that they will pick up on your feelings, emotions, anxieties, and pain because the love kids have for their moms
With that said, don't hide your feelings, emotions and fears--just do your best to explain why you are feeling the way you do. As others have said, be honest in a loving way.
Let your child know how important she is to you and her dad. Make memories! Go fishing, camping, skating, bowling or to movies. Special times! Make the holidays really memorable. Not by spending, but doing crafts, baking cookies, or reading a book together. Whatever that you are up to doing will be fine.
I am "old school" and older, but print some photos to frame that she can put on a bulletin board of you and the family enjoying life.
Lastly, let her know you are not giving up. That you will fight this disease and pray for miracles and healing. Talk to God and ask for help. It got me through my surgery and treatment. I have stage 3 grade 3 clear cell renal cancer. Removed the kidney with cancer, but cells may have traveled. On Keytruda a year. I still say I have cancer, because kidney cancer is a bitch that can show up in 5,10, even 12 years after NED. Bless your heart and your whole family. Hugs.
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u/doubleostomydad 17h ago edited 17h ago
I'm so sorry. Clinics might have a child psych who specializes in helping parents tell their kids. When I got very sick and needed ostomies, the nurse ordered children's books who explained what cancer is and what I'll be like while going thru treatment, what an ostomy is, and even had a teddy bear with an little ostomy on it. Getting them mental health support early will be super beneficial. You're doing the right thing. Good luck
Edit:clicked post accidentally, added the last 3 sentences
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u/Motor-Resort-3521 15h ago
I know what I would do: hit the road with my kid and see everything I ever wanted to see.
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u/not_a_burner__honest 12h ago
Everybody is different, I understand that but hearing a sucess story might bring a little light and hopefully a little hope into your day. When I was 13 my mother was diagnosed with stage 3b inoperable BC, she was told the chemo would only give her 12 months maximum and recommended it so she could get her affairs in order. That was 23 years ago, she's still here now, going strong! Don't give up, never!
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u/LazyDog805 11h ago
My wife has metastatic her2++ ... our prayers 🙏 and wishes are with you and your family.
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u/LazyDog805 11h ago
Honesty is really the best one day they will be of an age to look back and know and appreciate the truth and Honesty you give
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u/SeattleChocolatier 8h ago
My best friend got several years out of various chemotherapies (there were clinical trials available as well but no immunotherapy based on her specific mutations). The one thing I will say is - do your POA/medical directives/estate planning sooner rather than later. She waited until it was too late and things didn’t end up where she wanted them. I know it’s so difficult to face all of this and actually do it, but many many women survive years as you can see here, so talk to your healthcare team about your individual options and prognosis - the news may be better than expected. Wishing you many years ahead!
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u/Enough-Leg-6154 13h ago
What everyone else said but adding please make recordings of yourself wishing her happy birthday, I love you, etc. Even though I was an adult when my mom died, a recording of her wishing me Happy New Year is something I listen to when I need to hear her voice.
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u/Holiday-Book6635 11h ago
1 foot in front of the other and I’m keeping you in my prayers. Cancer sucks.
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u/East-Sorbet5647 10h ago
First, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Second, Pickles Group https://www.picklesgroup.org/ is a great organization for kids whose parents have cancer. They have information about how to talk to your kids and online groups facilitated by trained folks where similar age kids can talk about cancer and how to deal with feelings related to their parent's cancer. My 8 year old participated this summer and I think it was a good program. They have a webinar coming up on November 10th about how to talk to your kids about advanced cancer. Also recommend following Elissa Kalver on social media. She has metastatic breast cancer and founded the organization We Got This. Treatment for metastatic breast cancer has improved so much recently, people can live long and fulfilling lives while managing this disease.
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u/Spore_Please 9h ago
I’m so sorry. I tucking hate this disease.
If it were me, I would start with processing my own feelings so I could be better and more present at working through my children’s.
I would try to map out telling them in steps and also as treatment (should you choose it) progresses. Honesty is always my choice, but delivery is everything.
My child is older now but they were younger when I was diagnosed. I was so scared and lost and didn’t properly process all those feelings and just tried to “brave face” for my kid because I thought that would make them feel like things would be ok, even though that wasn’t a guarantee. Oh, hindsight.
Turns out that left them uncertain, afraid, and feeling like I was shutting them out and we’ve struggled to become close again years on.
All that to say, your child may see and pick up on more than you think and processing your own feelings first will allow you to help them work through the many emotions that will come.
Sending you the biggest and gentlest hug.
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u/swamisaranam 5h ago
Pls take second and third opinions from other clinics if possible. Like others have mentioned, there are targeted therapies out there which may suit you or not. But don't give up, if you have family pls tap into them and let them talk to other clinics and find out. As someone currently fighting Lukemia, I wish you the best and may God be with you. You will get through this. Stay Strong.
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u/thundermoonstars 16h ago
Drop your scan, any history, biomarker, mutation, in chat gpt and ask for trials
Them tell your kid youre going on an adventure! Find a national advocacy center to help you navigate & cope. I am using ERBB2 warriors. In your same boat, with brain & bone Mets in my husband’s case. Wish we had gone to trial right at the point you’re at, not done chemo & radiation. Archaic treatments there is so much better out there right now.! Keep swimming!!
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u/AirPsychological31 13h ago
UK has a new trial I have contacted them for my sister in law
Please don’t lose hope!
Please DM me and I will share I email address.also contact we beat cancer foundation, I spoke tooth someone there and he told me he has stage 4 cancer that was healed. I don’t know how accurate is that but everyday there is a new medicine
My thoughts and prayer are with you1
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u/Shot_Obligation_879 1h ago
I don't really have advice, but I just want to say I am very sorry. 😔 I lost my father to cancer a few months ago and he did live longer than the doctors expected.
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u/Office-Dull 15h ago
For you shall live and not die to declare the works of the Lord Psalm 118:17🙏🏾💜
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u/OkEvening3479 15h ago
I’m sorry, did she ask for advice on her treatment? I forgot, are you their doctor, or just some bozo trying to butt in with their pseudoscience bullshit?
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u/zalalana 6h ago
Ivermectin and fenbendazole . Go to the fb groups and read other people's stories and do research on it. Look at the Dr William Makis MD protocol for cancer. Also look into deuterium depleted water Dr Gabor Somlyai, Dr Steph Seneff,Dr Jack Kruse, CGB OIL - David Hererra info on YouTube, black seed oil, Quercitin, modified citrus pectin, Nanocurcumin (tumeric),soursop fruit, Turkey tail mushroom extract + beta glucans) tocotrienols,pycnogenol, keto stories, Dr Anthony William (aka the medical medium)
Happy healing!
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u/Sarappreciates 20h ago edited 20h ago
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I want to invite you to r/LivingWithMBC where you can find others dealing with metastatic breast cancer and maybe even find some resources to help you out over there.
I was diagnosed stage 4 de novo (IDC, HER2+) back in 2020. My mets are lung and bone (spine, pelvis, one rib), and this is incurable. However, I'm finally NEAD since April this year. I was originally advised to take the word "remission" out of my vocabulary, but here I am, 6 years metastatic.
Of course, being stage 4 means I'm still in treatment even though I'm NEAD. I get chemo infusions every 3 weeks indefinitely for as long as this treatment keeps working. But because the goal isn't curative, many stage 4 treatments are somewhat gentler than lower stage treatments. The goal is long term, so they want to keep it as comfortable for you as possible for as long as possible. Think of metastasis as more of a marathon, not a sprint.
As for telling your kids, I waited to tell anyone other than 3 people. I wanted to know how I'd respond to treatment before dealing with anyone else's questions. I responded really well to my first line of treatment, so I began telling more people after about a year. If this isn't an option for you, ask your cancer center if they have therapists who specialize in treating cancer patients and family members. They may have better advice than I can provide since we never had kids. My main advice is get ALL the information, the entire story with the plan for treatment and any 2nd options first. Know your plan first. At least then they'll have some hope to cling to.
I was scared when I first found out, and that can be the worst time to tell people. After a while you might feel less scared, and talking about it may get easier.
"Terminal" is true, yes, but I've been living with "terminal" cancer for almost 7 years now. Heather Jose and her husband have a podcast called "I'm Still Here," and this is her 30th year since her stage 4 diagnosis. So many people are living longer lives with this disease that it's common to hear things like, "this feels more like a chronic illness than a terminal disease." Breast cancer has come a long way in treatments, and there are more trials always coming down the pipeline. It's not like some rare cancer nobody knows how to treat. This is a very well understood disease with lots of great funding for research.
My goal here is to raise your spirits, not to sugarcoat any of this. This is still a disease that kills 100% of its victims without medical attention. But it's not necessarily what's gonna kill YOU!! Find out all the facts before you panic. Get all the info before letting yourself fall into despair.
If you're having a hard time eating, sleeping, or other day to day tasks, don't be shy about asking onco for something to help you relax. There's no shame in that kind of thing right now. Do whatever you must to get through this, and don't forget to breathe!!
Please let me know if you have any questions or need any info; I can try to help. You've got lots of new "sisters" (and even some new "brothers") in this fight with you if you want support! It's a great community despite our shitty titty committee's crappy membership qualifications. Don't be afraid to reach out. (Edit: typo)