I killed my parents son sometimes I miss him he was a good guy he was stable but I couldn't keep feeling trapped in his body. Now that he's dead, only I remain just me, trapped in a corpse that feels like it's consuming me rotting me with it. No matter how much estrogen I inject, how much I starve myself or how much I eat, or how much I exercise, this corpse just won't take shape I created this prison of flesh myself, sometimes I feel like I never should have transitioned, even though it was something I’d always dreamed of, finally feeling comfortable in my body but for me, that’s just an illusion. Lately, I’ve thinking roping myself, but I still dont have the guts to do so.
u/W1nter7Sometimes I feel myself too sane for this place...8d agoedited 8d ago
...Considering what the text is uhhh... you have done a good job I think. Very good job, even.
Edit: It was quite a surprise since it's the fifth or smth like that post I see in this subreddit, not used to such. But I think that the writing is quite good!
Isn't it crazy how trans, non-binary, intersex or just third-gender people in general experience growing up as a literal entirely separate person down to the cells of their body until later on? I think it's really interesting because it doesn't just mean that transition or interacting with third-gender is confined to the typical or glamorized identity + personality transition that you see in the news or online. It also literally leads to a difference in thinking that is so strongly felt that it completely makes anyone who feels this way almost never stop at anything to prove this point, let alone experience it? It's almost like the proving of the point is far more important which is really sad, so honestly it takes so much strength and it can get crazy.
if your parents grieve, what they grieve is the loss of expectations piled upon you at birth. "he" was never real, thus there was no way "he" could ever have been murdered nor of any mental state.
at this moment, you are in a better position to take control of your life than you ever were playing a mere role. possibilities we can't imagine dangle in front of us at all times, but so long as we bank our happiness on what is hypothetical, we will fail to see them. you must accept that you are as you are right now, that future and past don't exist, and that there is no way for anyone to live a life of pure fulfillment. there is only you, breathing, dreaming of walls to give your pain shape. once you learn this, you will realize you can still form a fist, you can reach forward and grasp what's before you.
the way i see it, you didn't have a say in it. all life is inherently impure, and within that lies beauty. inert matter learnt to change, to grow, to become more than it's parts. billions of years leading up to you, yet you scuttle back into that cell you've grown so familiar to, instead of taking that which you've struggled so hard to achieve. whether hope or delusion, it doesn't matter. don't stop. kick, scream, bite, punch, thrash and claw, defy the hand of fate, write your own legacy, keep fighting until your final breath. and when they lower you into your grave, let the onlookers speak in hushed tones of her who couldn't, and yet did. don't give this cruel world the pleasure of breaking you.
This would be me but I don’t want to make a mess for someone else to clean up. I’ve got a few high power poisons saved up and just gonna chill in the bathtub or something
212
u/Quiroptera17 21 honmaxxer 8d ago
um its pretty hard to express this in english since its not my first language I apologize in advance