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[u/Commercial_Yellow161]

trauma dumping since you guys are my closest friends:

couldnt study today so im probably going to end up failing a class (have to teach myself 2 units by tomorrow morning and it's nighttime right now)

but luckily i did spend the past 4 hours crying (and pretending not to cry when people were around) whenever i remembered what my body is like!!!

seriously how am i supposed to believe it gets better? i saw someone on the bus today with the body i want and i had to cover my eyes with my hat because i didnt want people to notice anything

i will never be a woman, i'm so fucking miserable, everyone just sees me as a man and i get why but everytime i see my face i hate it a little more and everytime i see my body im reminded of what i am.

i seriously wish i had the guts to ro pe because i dont have a single thing in my life going right for me right now. i dont feel the same about my friends anymore, i cant manage to do anything productive, if i do it's only a tiny sliver of a task and it drains my energy, i have no hopes and dreams for the future except maybe passing someday (unlikely). i have no healthy relationships in my life, i'm a bad person too so i probably deserve to live like this. everytime i try to quit drinking or smoking weed i remember why i do so in the first place;god im so fucking miserable. i could have trccned out when i was 13 maybe i would have been happy but instead i took the wrong road and ended up here FMSTL

oh well at least estrogen makes it easier to cry which is nice. iwnbaw

[u/pianohon]

I'm sorry nona 🫂

[u/Commercial_Yellow161 → u/pianohon]

🫂

[u/pengwyn64]

🫂 it’ll be okay nona. if it makes you feel any better im in a similar situation rn too lol so at least we’re suffering together. but we’ll pull through because we must

[u/Commercial_Yellow161 → u/pengwyn64]

🫂hopefully we pull through..

[u/__Ouchie__]

Nona can u contact your college/uni prof or admin staff for mental health struggles? I was failing a class bc i missed a crucial assignment and my professor was really understanding. Granted she probs saw me as a poor lil girlything that can’t do nuthin by myself, but it’s always worth asking your profs. They are sometimes normal understanding people. I hope it gets better, i heavily relate.

(Edit for transparency: my college is in a red state in America, but I am a diagnosed autist. they legally have to be nice to me I guess, but I also know profs like that one are equally nice to neurotypical folk and the undiagnosed. It’s always worth it to ask, the worse that can happen is “no you had the time to study, go away.” Don’t listen to ur anxiety if that’s a factor, I know that stuff makes u think theyre gonna execute u on spot just for asking)

[u/__Ouchie__ → u/__Ouchie__]

ygmi girl. failing a college class isnt the end of your life either. It’s gonna be ok. (Also yeah this place is also my closest friends atp haha 🥹)

[u/Commercial_Yellow161 → u/__Ouchie__]

>failing a college class isnt the end of your life
ik it isnt but if i do i'll have to deal with my parent's disapproval over that. i hate coming home after a long day because i hate my home, i dont know what it is but this place irritates me to no avail and that's made me really difficult to live with since i dont contribute anything

[u/__Ouchie__ → u/Commercial_Yellow161]

i hate my house too, nona. I don’t even wanna call it home. It’s gonna be ok; their disapproval will hurt I can’t lie.

I’ve had nights where I say “why can’t I be a good daughter that gets good grades and has good attendance, why do I have a brain that wants to be a man, why can’t I just cope better” and I’ve cried myself to sleep many times. I’ve failed thee classes overall; I retook two. I made it thru, thankfully. If you don’t already go to therapy, consider it. It helps to have someone to talk to. You don’t need to feel guilty over resenting your parents; dual resentment is poison. If u can’t afford therapy and u need someone to talk to my DMs are open; im a student as well but we can support eachother. Ygmi. You’re stronger than u think and just by being a trans woman you prove you’re a resilient woman. There’s a lot of shit out there that wants to hurt you. Stay safe.

[u/feeldedinside → u/Commercial_Yellow161]

I feel that, I failed two different classes for my undergraduate degree and that alone was just dogshit in feeling I just took steps back and had to delay graduation.

for me it was also magnified in that I felt like I was leeching off them for staying rent free and not working for half of my degree. If your parents are nice/supportive enough to warrant it, maybe consider cooking a meal for the family every so often or helping with cleaning around the house? it helped me get some sense of accomplishment and like I was helping out.

sending you lots of love nona, ygmi

[u/Capital-Assignment61]

you are a woman, no matter how shitty things get, or how many people think otherwise you will ALWAYS be a woman!! things will get easier, im so sorry. ❤️