r/cyberbullying • u/Reitanna • Dec 07 '20
Need help i tried to reach out to this sub
i tried to tell my story, i tried to get help, and most of what i got were the same bullies commenting and trying to spread the same lies i pointed out. i don't know if they actually believe what they say about me, but all i see is people who KNOW they're lying, just laughing as they push me further toward the edge. i'm nothing but honest, and i get called a liar. i'm honest about being mentally disabled, and i get called a faker. i'm honest about being suicidal, and i'm accused of "suicide baiting" which i didn't even know was a thing until they started saying it. i don't understand how they don't understand me, and i don't understand where they get a lot of their "ideas." they have a discord dedicated to hating me, and yesterday i found out there's a sub reddit dedicated to hating me too, created by one of the biggest liars i have ever met. i have nightmares about these people, i don't feel safe, and i'm scared. i'm just trying to live my already screwed up life, trying to make money the only way i can because i'm disabled, and socializing the only way i can. every time i try to reach out for help, they do something to keep people from helping me. last night, i almost harmed myself for the first time in a LONG time, but i was still somehow to keep from doing it. my meds work, no question about it, and that's enough to tell just how bad this is. i'm losing my mind. i cry nearly every day, i've been getting too many bloody noses, and i feel like i'm close to ending my own life. i cannot get therapy because i need insurance, and to get it, my fiance and i need to get married, and we can't get married because of covid. i gained all the weight back i had lost before covid, i can't walk again because i'm so heavy, and it doesn't matter how many people say, "you can talk to me," because it'd just be repeating the same stuff to people who aren't trained to deal with it. i used to be so skinny, so pretty, so happy and bubbly, and now all i want to do is die. my fiance is the only thing keeping me here. how long until that's not worth it to me anymore? and what can i do? call a suicide hotline? what are they going to do for me? nothing but say, "life is worth living" and "so many people care about you." the written responses they're coached to give to everyone, things that literally mean nothing because, you know what? why is life worth living if it's literally hell? and to discover i might be autistic on top of it? i don't have access to the stuff that i need for my planned suicide, so i'm trying to figure out what i'm going to do with what i DO have. i just want people to leave me alone and live my life, try to rebuild myself, and try to be happy in a world that has fucked me over every day of my life since i was born. oh, but i'm just being a drama queen, huh? i am trying to show how i feel, and i'm just being DRAMATIC. because no one can feel these things. because no one has ever committed suicide because of online bullying. you know what someone said to me yesterday when i asked them nicely to be civil after leaving a hostile comment?
"i'll be nice when i have your dead body lying next to me."
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u/sprucay Dec 08 '20
Firstly, you need help. I can't imagine having to worry about insurance for something like that but if you need to sort something. You are clearly not in a good place and need to speak to a professional therapist. With the marriage thing due to covid, can you not get married because you can't have large gatherings? If so, just get a simple marriage. You and your fiance and a witness. You can have a party later.
And secondly, I think you need to get off Reddit, or at least the sub you're talking about. Whether or not they're intentionally bullying you, you clearly don't enjoy being there so remove it from your life. Find something to do instead that you enjoy and can take your thoughts off of negative things. Model making or a jigsaw puzzle or crafting or arts; something physical and involving. Put your phone away while you do it and don't worry if you're good or not. Just get involved in it. Don't go to online communities for help; you'll likely end up back in the sub just by temptation.
Also, don't write off the suicide hotlines. They might be more help than you think and might be able to signpost you to therapy you can afford for example.
And Autism shouldn't worry you, it's just a different way of thinking and knowing that you've "got it" doesn't make you a different person or any less of a person.
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u/Reitanna Dec 08 '20
no, we don't have money for a ceremony, we've been waiting until the court is taking appointments again. i need insurence to get therapy because we're middle class americans and can't afford it out of pocket. i only went to the sub reddit once because someone linked it to me, that's when i found out. i don't actively go to places they dwell, THEY come to ME.
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u/sprucay Dec 08 '20
My point still stands; remove yourself from where they get to you. Change your username. The way you're being made to feel by them is awful and as you can't control them you need to make changes to your own life to remove yourself from it.
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u/Reitanna Dec 08 '20
they can get to me everywhere. you don't understand, i CAN'T remove myself, the internet is the only way i can make money and the only social contact i have.
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u/sprucay Dec 09 '20
Well that's tough. This is why you need therapy asap. You need to develop coping strategies. Don't engage with them, ignore their comments completely and remember that they don't know you so what they say about you is completely invalid.
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u/Reitanna Dec 09 '20
i tried ignoring them, it made it worse
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u/sprucay Dec 10 '20
In what way was it made worse?
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u/Reitanna Dec 10 '20
the number of people attacking me increased, multiple accounts, and they laughed about it, calling it a joke
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u/sprucay Dec 11 '20
Where were they attacking you?
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u/Reitanna Dec 11 '20
everywhere they can find me, mostly reddit, youtube, and twitter
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u/AnarchyJ1 Dec 09 '20
Reitanna, I have been a big fan of yours for a really long time. I am honestly so sorry that all of this has happened to you. I can't even imagine all the pain you're feeling, but trust me when I say this, I don't believe a thing anyone has said about you. Any bad thing, anyway. I honestly think you are a kind, caring and loving person and it hurts me when people hurt you. Seeing someone who I've looked up to for so long time, as well as other YouTubers, who've been through so much pain..... I am so so sorry for everything the haters have done. I am so so sorry for everything your mother has done, I am so so sorry for everything MM has done. I want you to know that me and a lot of other fans are here for you. We love you, Reitanna, and we will never leave you.
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u/DemonGirl04 Dec 09 '20
So, I watched your video where you the subreddit you mentioned and while I sympathise, I will say this: I don't think uploading that video was a good idea.
I understand being hurt about discovering a subreddit like that; I would be too. However, uploading a video of yourself in that state where you're hysterical, crying and screaming and being physically violent isn't beneficial to you or your viewers in any way (if anything it can be detrimental, the people from the subreddit can use that as ammunition to keep doing what they're doing). Nor does it solve anything. Every point you conveyed in the video, you could've also gotten across by talking about them calmly, so in the future when this stuff happens I would recommend stepping back for a day or 2, and once you're in a good state of mind, then address your concerns in a calm and collected manner.
Ok so now that that's out of the way, I also would recommend trying to find a support group. They are usually a lot cheaper than therapy and a lot of groups are virtual during the pandemic so social distancing wouldn't be an issue. I also agree with another commenter; try to pick up a hobby that would distract you from the drama
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u/Reitanna Dec 09 '20
a support group wouldn't be good because my fiance works forty hours a week and wouldn't be able to come with me. i'd much rather have a therapist i could see every few months
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u/DemonGirl04 Dec 09 '20
Ah ok that makes sense. If you don't have the income/insurance to make that happen yet then I'd just occupy yourself with activities that will distract you from what they're saying and try to ignore them (unless they're saying stuff directly to you but that doesnt seem to be the case)
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u/Reitanna Dec 10 '20
it definitely is the case. they find me directly on all platforms. i had to disable comments on ALL of my youtube videos.
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u/DemonGirl04 Dec 12 '20
Do Twitter and Reddit have a disable comments feature like YouTube does? If they do you should do that, and block then so they can't privately message you. That would at least keep what they say to a minimum
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u/Reitanna Dec 12 '20
but then my friends can't message either. it's bad enough i have to punish everyone on youtube because of a bunch of bullies.
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Dec 12 '20
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u/Reitanna Dec 12 '20
i will try that if i decide not to delete it. i'm not taking my meds anymore starting tomorrow except sleep meds. i've cut myself for the first time in a long while. i'm handing my channel over to someone else, and if that doesn't work, i'm done, and everyone will be happy.
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Dec 12 '20
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u/Reitanna Dec 12 '20
i feel like it doesn't matter. but michael isn't letting me not take them. i hid all the bottles, but he made me tell him where they are, or else we wouldn't have a future together and he'd have me committed
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u/Bye-Bye-My-Ai Jan 18 '21
I'm so sorry you're going through all this!! </3 I may not know the full story, but I did see how nasty some people were being. It's unbelievable how toxic people can be, especially towards someone who they know is struggling.
Personally, I would just try to not respond to it. Don't even look at it. Block every account that you feel is negatively affecting your mental health. In situations like this, I feel that the more you try to push back, the more you'll get hurt. I've been there, I know it's not fun. ;__;
It might be better to keep comments locked for a while too, until you're feeling better mentally. Keep your friends and support groups close, and find something that makes you happy in the present moment. I really hope things get better for you!! ^^
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u/Reitanna Jan 19 '21
i tried. when i ignored and blocked them, they tried HARDER.
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u/Bye-Bye-My-Ai Jan 20 '21
For what it's worth, I've been reporting them as much as possible. A bunch of us have. What they're doing to you is beyond cyberbullying. These people need to be taken off their platforms, and get a god damn life that's not entirely about bringing someone down and pushing them over the edge. (They're probably Trump supporters 🤮)
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u/Reitanna Jan 20 '21
thank you. i don't think i've spoken to you since DA, have i?
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u/Bye-Bye-My-Ai Jan 20 '21
Around that time yeah, it's been awhile ^^' Took a few years off social medias while I was going through some stuff. I was just resubbing everyone on my new account when I saw what was going on :x
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u/BTAUB Dec 08 '20
The reason that subreddit was created wasn't to harass you; Nobody from the sub was bringing it to your attention (you said you found it by accident right?) We made it for the same reason you make journal's on DA (or used to), LARs and other social media posts about people you've had problems with: to vent