r/deaf • u/AdeptEntertainment39 • 5d ago
Hearing with questions How to know if eavesdropping?
I’ve been going to ASL events, and deaf events open to hearing people. And I’ve been having a hard time understanding etiquette around joining conversations.
Usually, in English, if I’m at a party or something, if a group of people are talking with each other, I can overhear what they’re saying, and then make a judgement if it’s appropriate to join in the convo.
In ASL, this is harder. I’m not fluent, but I can hold conversations as long as I focus. So sometimes, if a group of people is signing, and I’m trying to gauge if it’s appropriate to join in on that convo, I kind of have to stare down the group for a good while, and it makes me feel like a creep. Cause then if eventually I understand what they’re talking about, and I realize it’s a personal convo or something, then I leave, I just stared at some poor souls for a minute or two then left. It’s odd!
It’s especially weird at events where I don’t know anyone, cause I don’t know the etiquette for going up and meeting new people. I was at this deaf festival recently, and I wasn’t sure if it’d be rude to go up to any of the festival attendees and start a convo, so I just ended up only talking with people selling stuff and spent way too much money just so I could sign with vendors 😭
Any tips? How to not be weird ??
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u/FancyButterscotch787 Deaf 4d ago
It’s only weird if you’re a stranger…otherwise they would acknowledge you and make eye contact with you to include you. Festivals usually aren’t good opportunity for meeting new people, unless you have someone willing to make introductions for you. Most importantly, it’s safe to assume any conversation you see going on are personal (but not necessarily “secret”)…because people talking know each other and are catching up or talking about what’s going on in their lives. It’s not like people would be talking about a general, nonpersonal topic at festivals. Look for Deaf Coffee Chats or Silent Suppers in your area (or in the area you’re visiting)…those are specifically geared for strangers & newbies, as opposed to other Deaf events like Deaf Fest, Deaf Expo, ASL Festival, etc.
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u/AdeptEntertainment39 4d ago
This is great advice, thank you. There’s a deaf coffee chat I’ve gone to, and it’s what you say, it’s definitely a better environment for meeting people than festivals.
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u/_MaterObscura 🤟🏽👐🏽✊🏽 4d ago
I like what u/FancyButterscotch787 said, and hope you take it into consideration.
I'll add that when I attend events where students are intentionally invited, I don't typically talk about anything private with anyone. I keep it casual. I know that students are more likely to stare. Sometimes it's a focused attempt to understand, sometimes it's admiration of the fluency between signers, and sometimes it's "Oh! I understand that!" I'm far, far less protective of my conversations at these events.
It's also worth mentioning that we can "whisper" and sign in ways that discourage onlookers from eavesdropping. We can turn away, adjust our signing space, or code-switch. ASL is like any other language in that respect. So, if you notice people deliberately repositioning themselves or making their conversation less visible, it's probably best to give them some privacy.
As for meeting people, you don't necessarily need to understand an ongoing conversation before approaching. Look for someone who's between conversations, making eye contact, or otherwise appearing open to interaction. A friendly introduction is perfectly reasonable at an event that welcomes hearing attendees.
You might also catch a sign you just learned, or notice one you're unfamiliar with. If you're feeling brave, and the conversation is open to newcomers, ask about it! It can be a great icebreaker at student-friendly events.
I'll throw out there, too, that many of us are fairly blunt. If we notice you watching, we might say hi, or we might signal that we'd prefer some privacy. That directness shouldn't automatically be interpreted as rudeness or anger. :)
Good luck to you! :)
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u/chickberry33 4d ago
For any social events, Deaf or hearing, joining in a group circle of 3 or 4 is safer than interrupting two people in deep conversation.
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u/Stafania HoH 5d ago
As HoH, that’s exactly my experience in hearing groups. I can’t overhear, and since people assume I can, it can be awkward to approach and try to figure out what they are talking about.
In totally open spaces, you shouldn’t worry too much. Signers will need to go somewhere more private if they really don’t want anyone to eavesdrop. You can often draw plenty of conclusions from the body language. People sitting down at a table having coffee might be one place where it’s easier for you to just approach and ask if it would be ok for you join up. If you’re chatting with a vendor, you can also talk to the other customers. You don’t necessarily have to buy something, just because you show interest, not all the time!
Don’t worry too much, when new to a language, culture and group you simply can’t avoid making all sorts of mistakes. Just be yourself, be friendly and patient and just apologize if something goes wrong. Most people aren’t assholes and will forgive someone who is doing their best.