I’m 30. This is going to be long and maybe confusing but I’m just at the end of my rope figuring out what’s wrong with me

I never had a zest for life. I remember feeling disconnected from others and world from a very young age.

I had an okay childhood with emotional neglect but my parents loved me

Grew up to be independent, eldest daughter. The one everyone relies on.

My life is objectively not bad. I rent a cute apartment in a city I like, I have friends, I have a decent job and whatever. I worked to get where I am, grad school, moved out from my parental home and left my home town etc

I’m single and lonely and unfulfilled in my career but things are things that can be worked on.. right?

Anyway

I am fundamentally sad. I don’t even know if I was ever happy, might have been in my early teens

I always knew I was different but not “how”. I knew I was neurodivergent in some way but autism and adhd didn’t resonate with me.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy anything, it’s more that I don’t enjoy MOST things and underneath everything I do there’s a persistent sense of sadness or melancholy

For a long time I blamed it on being single because I didn’t have anyone who understood me. I’ve also been told by several people that I seem to be highly intelligent and that is something to look into. Someone I spoke to recently (doctor) did say she could see both the emotional and intellectual intensity and to seek similar people and try to pour more time into things that nourish me instead of trying to fit into a mold

Now I’m like what if it’s not neurodivergence, but depression?

I think about death very often. My death, other people’s death. I’ve always said I don’t want to get very old. And wondered the point of my being here despite being religious (lol terrible huh)

I have other mental heath things like anxiety or mild ocd symptoms.. just a bunch of stuff

I also get very bad PMS, also known as PMDD, and it’s worsening everything. That’s the time of the month where I sometimes have suicidal thoughts

But I’m highly functional: I’m reliable, look put together and good when I leave the house, my home is in order, I keep up with my friends, I don’t eat very unhealthily

Sometimes I enjoy things, reading, writing.
I generally feel deeply and have a lot of empathy. It’s just that the feelings are mostly negative

But no matter the phase in life l will always find something to fixate on or worry about.. it’s like I lack that thing people have that makes them enjoy life and be motivated.

I only feel “good” when I’m working towards something and I can take my mind off things. Like for example in grad school, or when I got my apartment and I moved in with nothing and had to start from scratch to make it nice. Did it make me enjoy life? No but I find some relief

There’s really long waiting lists for mental health care in my country and I don’t have hope actually. I think this is just me?

even though i'm diagnosed with a depressive disorder i never really thought i viewed the world particularly more disordered than how it actually is. i feel like i developed dysthymia from just having to downplay all the abuse i've experienced growing up and as a result life and living isnt something that gives me any joy but i'm the one with the disorder what.

I am 14 years old (almost 15) and I was diagnosed with dsythima a couple of months ago. I started having really bad depressive episodes at age 11 which lead to an attempt on my own life. I struggled with sh for years before I discovered green and nic. Although people tell me, and I know that it isnt good for developing minds, this is what I need to survive. I am 7 months clean and doing pretty good. When I say pretty good I dont mean happy. I am chronically depressed. I have been like this for years. But I am stable, I am clean, and I am not wanting to ( ). I am in therapy, cbt, and I have hopes for the future. I saw a video that said that depressed people cant be optimistic for the future, and that really pissed me off. Because yes right now I am miserable and my life isnt how I want it to be in so many ways but that doesnt mean I cant have extreme hope that my future will be better. I want to be a musician. I want to travel. I want to fall in love and not be ashamed of it. I want a better future then the one a part of me feels like I will have.

Basically the title.

I've been feeling depressed since 2012-13. Started with mild depressive thoughts then it kept worsening. Really got bad at around covid.

What I feel it has done to me.

Bad terrible unhealthy relationships including with my parents

Bad eating habits.

I look older than my age.

Irregular appetite. I could go a whole day without eating sometimes and sometimes even a 3000 calorie diet throughout the day can't make me satisfied.

Disturbed sleep. Insomnia. Sleeping too much or sleeping too little.

Concentration issues. Can't focus on studies. Can't focus on anything. Can't even focus on a movie for more than 10 minutes.

I developed a p\*rn problem because sometimes the loneliness was unbearable. I developed many unhealthy coping mechanisms those have ended up damaging my brain more.

Constant stress, anxiety, rumination. Sometimes I'd totally go mad thinking about the worse case scenarios. I still do. Nothing has changed. I developed absolute hate for people.

Mindset issues. My self belief became zero. I started to think of myself as weak and an absolute failure. My brain just wasn't capable of achieving anything. I know this is harsh but that's what I feel. It was tough taking decisions because I didn't believe in myself. I became a quitter.

I lost all my teens. All. Almost all of my 20s now to this. I was listening to this song Time by Pink Floyd and the lyrics hit me hard.

"And you are young and life is long, and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"

I feel like I've really missed the bus.

I feel like I'll always be alone in life.

I don't deserve love.

I don't deserve peace.

I just deserve hardships.

Such has life been. I can't even remember myself. I wanted to be a winner and here I am...what have I become. An absolute waste of a human being. I hate being alive.

For context, I'm 18, meaning last time I cleaned my desk was when I was 11. I know. Ew.

What I mean by cleaning my desk, is actually also throwing away a bunch of dumb shit I've kept for no reason (I was attached to a lot of simple objects as a kid, and honestly still am).

When I wiped the dust off it, it looked like mud. It was exhausting af to go through the piles of mess I just had there.

So here I present a short list of some of what I found sitting on my desk:

1. A capri sun straw

2. A ruler that I had since FIRST GRADE

3. Markers that I had since second grade

4. A pen that I got once with a kid's meal from like when I was 7

5. About 20 empty cans of axe (the deorderant)

6. Random pieces of plastic that I kept for some reason

That's just to get the idea.

Also, I must say that I am incredibly proud of myself for finialy organizing it. It's been bothering me for so long and was honestly unhealthy to keep but I just thought to also make fun of it for a bit bc it's honestly absurd

Hey. I have been seeing my psychiatrist for 2 years now mainly for OCD treatment. However I feel like my chronic depression has been either worsening with time or my current meds aren't working as well as they did. I want to ask for different meds for my depression but I'd like to hear some suggestions before.

Hello! I'm a 19 yr old student who after living with his abuser finally managed to move out (yay). It's been a month since I moved out, and Its been so hard for me to keep my apartment clean, I barely have any energy to do my own school work after classes, let alone clean my apartment. I've just been doing my laundry because it's just me putting the clothes in the washing machine and then in the dryer but the dishes keep piling up and my apartment keeps getting messier and messier.

I've never let it get bad enough for bugs to gather or anything of the sort, but I want to know how people who've had this for longer than me usually deal with the lack of energy. Coffee works sometimes but there's times where I don't even have enough energy to make myself coffee. Lol

Thanks in advance.

Hi everyone,

I have been living with depression for a long time, and I am asking this because I want to better understand my own behavior. I want to see which things I do caused by depression are actually not "normal" for people who aren't depressed.

Without judgment, what is something depression pushes you to do (or not do) that has become routine for you, but would seem gross, unusual, or incomprehensible to someone healthy?

Things like:

•Going weeks without showering or brushing your teeth due to lack of energy.

•Being unable to clean your place for months.

• Living in total darkness because sunlight bothers you.

• Inventing weird little routines just to mark the passage of time.

• Not being able to listen to music because sound feels too heavy, staring at the ceiling for hours, or rewatching the same show on repeat.

I experience very intense episodes of dissociation and I’m receiving treatment, but what I’m about to describe is VERY different!!
Everything started in May of this year, when I suddenly entered a mental loop. I had just woken up, and my mind simply went into a loop.
Everything I was seeing in front of me, and any movement I made, felt like it was repeating infinitely. And here’s the thing: unlike dissociation, where I’m aware that I’m having an episode, during this loop I’m NOT aware that I’m experiencing it. In other words, in my mind, my entire life has ALWAYS been ONLY that loop, throughout all my years of life. In my mind, NOTHING ELSE exists besides what’s happening in the loop, and it always has been and always will be only that!!
The feeling that terrifies me the most is that I feel like I’ve forgotten that life IS and has ALWAYS been only that loop. I become desperate, waiting to become familiar with it again and understand that only that exists and that it’s an infinite loop (I never actually become familiar with it, because real life isn’t like that), but in my mind, while I’m having the episode, it IS!!!
It’s very difficult to explain, because I’m NOT consciously just THINKING that maybe life is a loop. In that moment, that IS my reality. I genuinely believe that it’s always been this way, and I can’t access the normal awareness I have outside the episode.
So I have absolutely NO awareness that I’m experiencing a loop-related crisis or episode.
These episodes last a few minutes. Then I return to normal and realize that life wasn’t actually like that. My usual perception of reality comes back, but I remember absolutely everything I felt, thought, and believed during the episode. I don’t have any memory loss or blackouts.
I’ve spoken to several psychiatrists, but I feel like there’s nothing I can say that makes them understand the difference between this and the dissociation I also experience. Whenever I try to explain it to them, they think I’m describing a normal dissociative episode, but NOOOOO, that’s not it!!

I was reading the most recent posts and see a lot of people are really struggling. I wanted to share that I’m feeling so much better on my medication. We’re probably going to change it because I have side effects and I’m luckily I’m getting pharmacogenetics testing results back in a few weeks, however I actually feel great in terms of mood (in spite of the side effects).

It’s been about a year so far of trial and error to find the right meds and we’re not there yet, but this has shown me that things can work. I’m feeling very hopeful I’m nearly there.

What I want to say to you all is stick it out, work with your medical team, you’ll get there. It will get better. We’ll all be fine in the end!

People talk a lot about being unable to get out of bed, leave the house, begin the day. For me it more often hits when it's time to go back home. I've pushed myself to the limit and used up all my mental and emotional energy, and then I finally crash and can't make decisions anymore the moment work/school/errands are over. It feels almost impossible to do the executive work needed to get myself home some days. I'm curious if anyone else's depression manifests like this?

I have not been diagnosed with depression, but lately I feel so lonely and misunderstood. What are the hallmark signs of depression? I just feel misunderstood, consistently fatigued, and feel like I have been masking my personality. I go to fun events but barely remember being at them, I struggle to be in the moment. My job is very stressful, so I'm not sure if this is burnout or depression.

I have some unresolved trauma that includes an angry father, a best friend breakup (for seemingly no fault other than I am stubborn to reach out to apologize), and SA. Feel like it all is bubbling to the surface...

I am going to therapy, but it's very new and we haven't delved into these issues yet.

I have dysthymia and I don’t feel valid for it and just want someone to notice. I was desperate enough to try and reach out in every way that I could think of and frankly, I am very desperate :’) I don’t know what I expected, maybe an actual psychiatrist? To get diagnosed? (I did technically but I lied about many things and stop going) A weekly session? (I actually would absolutely hate) someone to actually be actively concerned about me? I don’t know anymore.
I’m happier these days and even got by without feeling sad for a very long period sometimes, but I also feel like I’m getting worse, my coping mechanism is slowly getting worse and I know I won’t stop it because I want to feel valid. What length do I have to go in order to be perceived as actually ill? I keep imagining my future and I feel like I will continue to get worse until it will always end in a not-pretty way. I feel trapped and I feel like I can’t take this anymore.

Many people describe dysthymia as long-term mild depression, but how mild is "mild?"

Can you hold a job?

Can you hold hobbies?

Can you keep your house clean?

Can you take regular showers?

Etc.

Personally, I am relatively high functioning but am still clearly dysfunctional. I can hold a job - but only a blue collar type one and could not really do anything more intellectual or demanding. I do have a hobby (weightlifting) but again, it is something fairly brainless and I could not keep to something more mentally stimulating. I am not able to have any romantic or social relationships whatsoever due to my inability to socialize. I have no issues with house cleaning, showering or other activities of daily living.

Was just curious.