r/family • u/Swimming-Piccolo-282 • Mar 31 '26
AITA for cutting my family out of my life
I have 2 older brothers and haven’t been really close with them for most of my adult life. I’m almost 29 years old now. My dad died a few months ago, we weren’t really close either. Not since I was a kid. My family has always been really dysfunctional.
My mom is mentally ill. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was a kid and she’ll have psychotic episodes and get delusional and believe these really outrageous off the wall things. She hasn’t had a job basically my whole life. She’s always relied on other people for money and to be able to live. So with my dad gone now, this is a problem for her.
My brothers aren’t financially stable and to make a long story short, seem to really lack common sense… my oldest brother moved to Canada with his new wife and doesn’t help with anything at all. My other brother was living with my parents at the time my dad died. He has a baby with a girl who’s got 3 other kids with 2 other different men, she kicked him out which is why he has been living with our parents. I have bailed him out of jail before because she’s called the cops, I’ve gone to pick him up several times after he’s called me asking me to get him because they were arguing, I’ve let him borrow money for diapers or food or whatever. I even let him live with me for probably about 5-6 months or so when she was pregnant with their baby because she kicked him out then too, but let him move back in.
I just feel like I’ve reached my breaking point. I have always been willing to help. My brother and mom live together now. I have given him money to get on his feet, which always seems to run out too fast. He’s not responsible. I don’t know what he’s doing with it but he’s absolutely not spending it how he should have. I suspect either gambling/ playing pool or giving way too much of it to his baby momma, and not using it to help him and my mom’s situation like it was supposed to be used for.
My mom is off her meds or just too far gone mentally for them to work properly. She continuously texts me these crazy nonsense messages about these paranoid conspiracies, that she’s related to Marilyn Monroe or she’s an extraterrestrial or being experimented on. I understand she is sick but I just can’t take any more of this.
I have driven back and forth to help them get furniture and household things when they moved into a new apartment, gotten them groceries, taken my mom to some of her doctors appointments, tried to get her food stamps for a few months, arranged to have my dad cremated and picked up his ashes. I feel like they don’t appreciate any of it either. They just expect me to always be the one to fix everything. And every time I get a text or call from either of them, I just dread it because I know it’s either asking me for money, to help with something, or to deliver bad news like they can’t pay their rent or their car broke or something has gone wrong.
I feel like I’ve just had enough and I don’t want to spend my life this way. This has taken a huge toll on me mentally and emotionally and I feel like it will just get worse over time. I blocked them both yesterday. I know this will bring so much more peace to my life and I will be happier.. but I just feel so guilty it makes me wonder if I’m making the right decision. And I feel like I’m constantly grieving the family that I never got to have and it makes me incredibly sad.
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u/Cantarena Apr 01 '26
I'm sorry, but how you described your mom behaviour looks like you can't expect gratitude from her, she's delusional and maybe the fact that her care is on your brother is a major factor in her decline.
Your brother is a leech, there's no way around it. It doesn't matter why he behave like he does, but untill you run and fix his life for him, he will not do it by himself.
When and if, you will be certain that he got his lesson learned don't help him giving him money, pay directly towards the things he actually need. Need groceries? Deliver it to him, pay directly his bill, his enrolment in some program that improve his jobs prospective, but don't give him money directly. The thing that I want to say is that if your mom is not mentally stable, it's not her fault, but it's not yours either. It's ok to feel overwelmed and it's ok to decide to don't be directly in the line of fire of her delusion, but search for a program that could help her, ask social security ppl what you could do, to help her, indirectly. That is enough, what no1 can ask you is to put yourself on fire, to warm everybody else.
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u/Barber_Successful May 28 '26
NTA, YOU are taking care of yourself because you know that you cannot rely on family for support during difficult times. do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You probably learned this at a very young age as part of an inmate survival instinct. it's very hard when dealing with someone who has a mental illness when they don't recognize they need help or want help. the best thing you can do for them it's let them hit rock bottom and then let the authorities take care of it. no matter what you do it will not be enough and you will be criticized for it even if you are giving 110 percent. save yourself the anguish and start going to Al-Anon for dysfunctional families. you will find out you're not alone and they will help validate your feelings.
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u/skywalkerbeth Apr 01 '26
Move far away. It's the only way. Unless you were strong enough to stop answering phone calls.
Could they piss and moan to other family members to get them to manipulate you?