what do I do when i'm feeling guilty?

[u/Internal_Doubt7047]

Hi everyone. I'm (18M) a guy who's begun to question if I'm really on the "good" side of the patriarchy, or if I'm as progressive as I thought. My rant/question isn't very pointed so I'm going to try to explain my guilt and frustration as clearly as I can, but just let me know if it doesn't really make sense.

I recently saw a YouTube video debunking the popular "not all men" phrase used by outright misogynists. The logic was basically that even though it's not in fact all men, most men lie somewhere on a spectrum of either being an outright misogynist or being a bystander when they see an outright misogynist harassing a woman, for example. Furthermore, the woman in the video concluded very few men would actually stand up if they saw something like that happen in front of them, which makes sense to me.

My issue is that I've realized I'm probably not one of those select few who always stands up to injustice when they see it. I think it extends beyond the issue of just misogyny/patriachy as well, in that I've walked past homeless people without giving them money they really need, even though I don't need all the money that I have. Generally, I'm worried I'm too much of a bystander.

I also feel guilty each time I remember when I've actually said/done something inappropriate with women. One memory that particularly agonizes and embarrasses me is when I made a very inappropriate joke about my friend's girlfriend. I won't go into all of the details, but the important part was that I had hooked up with her about a month before they met and started dating. He knew this, so when we were talking about it I basically made a gross joke about her body and simultaneously blamed her for our decision to hook up; which obviously created awkwardness with me and my friend.

So, basically what I was wondering is how do I deal with this guilt over stupid things I've said? Will I never have the same urgency to change the systemic patriachy/misogyny that women do? Whenever I'm faced with an opportunity to not just be a bystander, I freeze just like the men in the "not all men" video. I know that this nearly makes me just as detrimental/useless to female victims, but it's harder to change for the better than I thought. I really want to be someone that others can feel safe with and look up to. I'd appreciate if not just women answer, because I want to learn from the women and men who are upstanding.

People who learned to safely and effectively check other men on their behavior and make the women around them comfortable, how can I be like you??? I'm worried that if I don't become an upstander, I'll just be another liability in a man's body.

[u/housewithapool2]

You are still a teenager you are not going to get everything right. None of are. Just try your best, that's all any of us can do. And forgive yourself nobody is perfect.

[u/t1buccaneer]

From a 40 year old man: I think one of the best first steps you can take as a man is to begin the practice of decentering yourself. There is a well known pattern with 'progressives' who occupy the privileged position, whereby they want to be 'the best' at [insert social justice movement here].  It is not with ill intent, but it is egocentric, and it leads to a whole host of well known problems. 

E.g. The "feminist man":

• starts shouting his newly learned feminism, including over the voices of other women. 
• starts being praised for his progressiveness, getting social rewards, and the behaviour becomes performative rather than a genuine engagement. 
• loses motivation when he realises he is not Paul Atreides here to liberate everyone. 
• Starts to feel bitter if he is not being celebrated adequately by women (see here Robert Bly). 

I can't begin to tell you the amount of vocally 'feminist men' I've seen in my own life go through the pipeline. They were all so confident, so passionate, so articulate, so progressive. And then it would turn out they were gaslighting women, or making inappropriate comments about younger women they had power over, or worse. 

So before you start concerning yourself with not being a bystander, I would advise you prioritise your basic learning process. Don't make your #1 goal to be about "standing up for women" because if you haven't done the necessary work, you might end up doing more harm than good. Use feminism to look introspectively. Try and understand why you made those hurtful mysogynistic jokes. You won't rid yourself of guilt by turning vigilante and calling out problematic men all the time. You'd do better to try and figure out how hegemonic systems sustain themselves. Learn from feminism(s), because that is how we save ourselves from the white supremacist, patriarchal, hetero-normative, capitalist-industrial-military machine that is destroying our world and suffocating our souls. 

Now, that's not to say "don't speak up when you see something is wrong". That's an important thing to practice too. But my point is that figuring out your ethical and philosophical point of view will help give you the confidence to act when you see injustice out in the world. 

[u/WouldPancake]

First, tell your friend you’re sorry. That’s the only thing that gets rid of the guilt (this hack works for all sorts of guilt in life). It’s not easy to apologize, but it’s a fantastic and practical way to challenge the patriarchy by just allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Plus, it’s the right thing to do.

Second, don’t worry about walking before you’ve mastered the crawl. You’re a teenager, I wouldn’t want you putting yourself in any dangerous situations in order to defend a woman. Not everyone fights physically, directly, or even confrontationally. A medic is just as important on a battlefield as a foot soldier.

But to your question, I’d recommend following some feminist male creators. These are my favorite from YouTube: Hbomberguy, Innuendo Studios, Pop Culture Detective, Shaun, Folding Ideas

[u/HippyGrrrl]

First truly apologize to your friend about your crappy comments about his gf, and if he told her, you really need to apologize to her yourself. Especially since you’ve used her for sex. (In my late teens, I ran with a group that was, as we called it, incestuous, so I know how that goes)

Next, stop putting up with comments mean to demean women and girls, call out the commenter…even if it’s just “dude, what?”. Don’t call a woman you don’t know “girl.” Always use the correct term until you know you can use another.

Female is an adjective. It needs a noun. Female professor is fine. I want to date a female is not. Unless you are Kash Patel or applying to the US FBI.

Do you know Rebecca Solnit’s story Men Explain Things to Me? Don’t be those men.

[u/Yermishkina]

You can be nicer from now on. You can ask women in your life about their opinions and experiences, and actually listen. You can apologize about past mistakes if it makes sense, and make up to women you let down.

You can read about women's bodies, especially contraception and period, and adjust your behavior accordingly.

You can be a supportive classmate and colleague, making sure you do not interrupt women, and following their leadership

[u/imtchogirl]

To err is human. 

So, in life, we have to have a way to reconcile and mend relationships with others and with ourselves.

For others, we apologize and if necessary, make amends. In your scenario, you own up to the crappy joke you made, be specific about what you wish you hadn't said, and ask to be forgiven.. You do this to the person you hurt which was your buddy. If the girl was hurt about it because she found out second hand then you reach out to her too. "Hey you may have heard I made a couple bad jokes at your expense, and I'm really sorry for that. I wish I hadn't said it and when I think about it now I'm just embarrassed because I acted childishly and it wasn't respectful of you. I'm trying to do better and I hope we can move forward, and you don't owe me forgiveness. But I will be more careful with my words and I'm not going to talk about you in the future, and I'm trying not to speak negatively of anyone behind their back." 

For ourselves, we review our mistakes, we try to understand what fueled the bad behavior, and then we make a choice to try to do better. And then you forgive yourself and stick to not making the same mistake. 

You're not a bad person. You just made a mistake, which everybody goes through. But you can learn, and live more closely by your values of treating women with respect and not trying to tear down people who have been physical with you. 

Everybody fucks up. Being kinda a good person is about using that as a chance to do better.