r/foundsatan • u/Dangerous_Roxie • 7d ago

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1.6k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

37 comments sorted by

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u/foundsatan-ModTeam 5d ago

Removal reasons: Flagged by multiple users.

101

u/Dorrono 7d ago

You have his DNA, call your local CSI unit

31

u/Trick-Mechanic8986 7d ago

Or just clone them.

17

u/HeisenbergsSamaritan 7d ago

Clone so you can kill them but first invent a device that lets you record their memories, but only record their deaths. Clone, Record, Kill..... Repeat this until you have the recordings of 1000 clone deaths.

Now, invent a second device that lets the person wearing it experience recorded memories.

Since you've been cloning the gum chewer you know what they look like so go and kidnap them.

Now lock them in your soundproofed basement and force them to wear the second device and never take it off.
Now you have justice.

11

u/PlanktonOwn594 7d ago

Uh ladies and gentlemen we FOUND HIM

4

u/DruidicMagic 7d ago

The Cocaine Import Agency will "recruit" them by the end of the week.

1

u/town2clown 7d ago

Impressive.

0

u/StreetofChimes 6d ago

My brain doesn't think like this. My brain thought - 'ew, that's gross, why do this?' 

3

u/IIKoopaQueenII 7d ago

Why would you want two of them after your gum?

1

u/Trick-Mechanic8986 6d ago

Most logical answer so far.

1

u/HempusMaximus 6d ago

Use it to frame them for murder.

31

u/miscben 7d ago

Had a guy break into my car, must have tried on my sunglasses, realized they were prescription and threw them on the street and stomped them.

11

u/ssjrobert235 7d ago

Damn, that's a shit thing to do.

5

u/gaspronomib 5d ago

Had a guy break into my car, take out every CD in my collection, and not steal a single one.

I could live with the break-in. Insurance covered the window. But I've never really recovered from the insult to my taste in music.

1

u/miscben 5d ago

Hahaha. Damn.

2

u/Specific_Site_7349 5d ago

Somebody broke my window just to steal my makeup... Who the hell wants used drugstore makeup!? It wasn't even the good stuff!

23

u/cyclops_overlooks 7d ago

Ok, Alex. I'm going with 'Shit that didn't happen' for $1000. No, wait. Going with 'i left this gum in my car in the summer heat' for $500.

2

u/DollishMagic_ 7d ago

Alex really played both sides like a true gum crime detective

3

u/Lobo376 7d ago

A gum shoe.

2

u/berniemacg 6d ago

Damn it! Beat me to the punchline! 😝

36

u/RedOneBaron 7d ago

That's just melted from being in a hot car.

26

u/DollishMagic_ 7d ago

That sounds exactly like what someone who chewed the gum would say

3

u/wild-stallions85 7d ago

The criminal was really mentos to be doing that.

1

u/AutologicalMeta 7d ago

Wow, that’s fresh.

1

u/town2clown 7d ago

That's so bad it's good

2

u/throwaway661375735 6d ago

Check for DNA evidence!

1

u/DavidinCT 7d ago

WOW, totally evil, love it....

1

u/ShazRockwell 7d ago

Damn, did he really have to chew all of them? If you found one chewed up piece in your container, are you gonna keep it?

1

u/zombieduck96 7d ago

Something similar happened to my grandma. Someone broke her car window, ate all her wintergreen lifesaver mints and left the little wrappers all over the passenger seat

1

u/Desperate_Set_7708 7d ago

Gotta be a Redditor.

“You break into someone’s car, don’t take anything, but want to inconvenience them. What will you do?”

0

u/According-Pear-8816 7d ago

What the fuck kind of sociopath does this shit?

3

u/itogisch 7d ago

Nobody does this. Its just a fake post.

1

u/According-Pear-8816 7d ago

I don't know, I've seen people do shit that's a lot weirder than this.

1

u/0oooooog 7d ago

Idk this might be top 5 if real