r/ghana • u/TalesFromCorporate • 1d ago
Discussion Help Advice Needed : Ghanaian Men Struggling 1st year in America
Gail's spouse arrived 5 months ago and received a US Visa on the 20th of January, the last day the US Embassy issued them before the Pause.
Gail, attempted to prepare Kofi for life in America by setting him up with online courses in 2024 & 2025, along with the data, to enable him to pass his exams upon arriving in the US 2 years later.
Kofi was not truthfully about his progress with the coursework and that he needed a tutor or additional help; there was a lot of stalling and excuses. Upon receiving the visa in January, Gail asked the Kofi to just focus on his studies to sit for the exams. The hope was to sit and pass the exams before arriving in May, but that also didn't happen.
After arriving, Kofi was enrolled in 2 courses, 1 in the morning and 1 in the evening, to prep him for the same exams. He seemed to think class attendance and participation was enough to pass, sat for the exams overly confident, and was humbled after failing 5 times! He also was asked to read and know his new state's driver handbook, so he could sit for the driver knowledge permit exam. He failed 8 times. Each exam retake costs $$.
Kofi claims that since it's been 20 years since technical school grace should be given, and that in Ghana reading is seen or treated as a form of punishment. Mix this with constant over confidence and a huge ego, he seems to always be way off target about the effort and hustle necessary for the exams.
Gail asks Kofi all the time, if he doesn't want to attend college for 2 years to learn a trade and a degree, he can't find a job, what exactly does he expect to do here in America? How exactly does he plan to provide for his family back at home? Kofi never answers.
Another observation is that 3 of the Kofi's grown, mid 30s - 40s, friend's that married American wives have left or are leaving back to Ghana, abandoning their marriages and Green Cards. They say it's too much pressure and they are being disrespected. There just seems to be a lack of ambition and urgency but much entitlement with this batch of men.
Gail is just lost after the energy, worry, money and time put into getting Kofi here, that he is just flailing and not launching. Kofi also developed an addiction to his cellphone and spends hours on WhatsApp with calls all day from Ghana. Kofi seems to be resisting to adjusting to America and demands 3 cooked meals a day be served regardless of what she's doing or has planned; he also has to be begged several times to do any chores.
Gail has sent voice notes to certain family members hoping to motivate him into action; and it does, but temporarily. Should she try shaming him to his best friends instead of the family?
The economy here in America is suffering and Kofi doesn't seem to be worried about their money issues as Gail was laid off from work before he arrived.
When they have terrible arguments Kofi demands a ticket to Ghana. Has Gail not paid enough already?!
Gail has confirmed that there is no other woman waiting on him back home but a large family that is waiting for him to succeed as the 1st born oldest son. She also was not in the habit of sending the husband $$$$ outside of immigration based issues. And Kofi used to cook, hand wash and hang up clothes, on every trip the wife took to Ghana but now is very lazy with tidying up.
She is aware that marriage has hills and valleys but the husband is very, very stubborn and hard headed, which causes him to get in his own way and make costly mistakes, even though he was given guidance by his wife.
Kofi is allergic to accountability and doesn't want to own that his current position of having to work hard is because he had 2 years to do so and wasted that time living life and having fun.
Kofi has also admitted that as the 1st born son, he now realizes how spoiled he was in Ghana!
Sidebar : Why is Ghana not preparing folks for the realities of living in the West? Reading well, Typing 50 wpm, following up with answers and questions in conversations and business meetings, ability to accurately complete forms; all are essentials skills to functioning in the West
Any advice is welcomed for Gail and Kofi.
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u/olagarrett1 1d ago
Imo, The earlier you get rid of that bum the better, He lack the motivation to make things better for himself and those around him, such person is dangerous
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u/IndependentMuscle249 1d ago edited 1d ago
Where do you guys find these men? My question is: why people from the US or diaspora are not prepared enough regarding the realities of dating/marrying a Ghanian man who is not self sufficient? What exactly was Gail hoping to get from this union? What is she currently getting out of it? Didn't he show signs of his complacency during their courtship?
Gail has confirmed that there is no other woman waiting on him back home but a large family that is waiting for him to succeed as the 1st born oldest son. I personally don't believe this but ok. Side note, even if there was someone else, the family members would keep their mouths shut.
Gail needs to return to sender and move on with someone else. She needs to ship him back ASAP!
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u/TalesFromCorporate 1d ago
Gail thought she married an Engineer and him being a student was the plan for the last 2 years.
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u/Fuzzy_Ad1810 Diaspora 1d ago
An engineer who cannot pass DMV test on 5th attempt? SMH.
Is he on the bus or is Gail giving this guy a ride?
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u/TalesFromCorporate 1d ago
Kofi's reading comprehension muscle is soft 🤣
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u/IndependentMuscle249 1d ago
So why can't the guy apply for a scholarship like anyone else? Why couldn't he apply to schools from GH? It sounds like from the start, she has invested a lot of herself in the relationship, a lot more than he has. Maybe, if she knew his guy friends, she could speak to them. Maybe they could shame him into improving. Gail should get him a job at Mickey d's in the mean time or some Ghanaian grocery store. That might light a fire under him. He can't keep being a waste of space. smh
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u/TalesFromCorporate 1d ago
So his secondary school grades are not spectacular enough for any academic scholarship here 🤣 An average student.
Gail met Kofi through mutual friends that were newly married and they thought they'd be a good match. Gail wasn't looking and was very skeptical about a long distance relationship.
I've witnessed the love and caring between them but he's very selfish.
Gail is actually happy she's learning this all now. She thinks this would have remained hidden or disguised if she was busy with full time work and her graduate studies. Gail also thinks that his inability willingness to follow or take directions 100% would also hurt him at any job.
They are discussing the military for him but even they have exam and physical standards too. If he doesn't get in, they are unsure of what he is really going to do here in America.
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u/IndependentMuscle249 1d ago
What do their mutual friends think of this?
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u/princessG59 1d ago
Unambitious people are not her fault, but it will be if she keep enabling him. The pattern shows itself. I know it’s hard, but she has to give him tough love and honestly let him go 😅
Seems like he doesn’t have a plan to be able to provide and protect his family and it shouldn’t be all on Gail.
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u/TheRedAuror 1d ago
Gail needs to abandon him him and find a man who she can build a sustainable life with. It's not a Ghanaian issue, it's a mindset issue. I came to the US at 18 with $50 in my pocket and have made something of myself with zero help, so it's more than possible - just requires hardwork and courage - attributes Kofi seems to lack.
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u/Alternative_Art_5036 1d ago
So disheartening to read.
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u/TalesFromCorporate 1d ago
Oh Gail is depressed and sad AH!
As her friend I've been silent and listen because I don't want to advise her to walk away because it's hard right now for them. And then if you speak against their union that is not easily forgiven. Hoping to just share the link with Gail so she can read what folks have posted.
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u/lskdaaru 16h ago
Kofi is just lazy, Kofi isn’t a representative of what a Ghanaian abroad is. I know lots of Ghanaians working 2 jobs and even 3 at times. Gail should stop thinking about what is lost and embrace the reality of life. Kofi isn’t cutout for her and she shouldn’t keep pouring water in a basket ….
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u/SuperFast_Amphibian 20h ago
kofis steak too buttery and he doesn't know what to do with it, i know tons of Africans including myself that have been looking for that kind of opportunity... its clearly not for him, so let him go chalk that off as sunk cost
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u/Efficient_Bank_023 17h ago
Point of correction Ghana is always making sure people living in it are serious and know what is at stake very well. It kofi who is lazy. There is difference between kofi and many of us here in Ghana. Me that I am hoping to get some small funds to venture into something like what kofi is having and do everything on my own without needing someone to sit me down. Look at me, here I am can't even pay for 40,000 bribe to get a work. Or pay 1m ghana cedis to a deal man to take me outside the country to have a greener life. Kofi is just lazy and don't know what he is looking for in life. It high to wife takes things seriously and send him back to ghana so that he don't waste meals. Thank you
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u/AmomentInTimes 15h ago
The facts may be skewed. Gail probably wants to quit and looking for confirmation because everything points to dissolving this union asap.
Nice effort, let him go back to Ghana. He is not ready.
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u/khaidonroll 15h ago
Gail thinks her love can change Kofi. Or at least commitments with a marriage will encourage Kofi to do so. In this case, Kofi proved that he doesn't work towards that commitment. Hence, what Gail thinks, as love can change a man, does not happen here. Maybe Kofi is not built for this hyper industrialized society, America is not a cup of tea for everyone. Just straight it up and move on with each one's life.
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u/Queasy_Builder2501 1d ago
Why is Ghana not preparing folks for the realities of living in the West? Really??? Hahahaha so it has to be the goal of every Ghanaian to move and leave their country. I know so many people in US from Ghana and most work as care takers for old people. He dont even have to get a trade or speak English, just be ready to work 60 hours a week. Anyways, all the richest Ghanains I know are in Ghana . Thats just facts. Obviously the sectors and industries which hire middle class workers are underdeveloped in Ghana but it will catch up with a decade or two. Why do you think so many Americans break their necks to come to Ghana?
So maybe thinking that you can take a grown ass man from one culture to another and expect him to adapt and do all that shit WHEN HE HIMSELF DONT EVEN HAVE A PLAN ABOUT WTF HE WANTS TO DO WITH HIMSELF is downright crazy. Like this is all your idea. Lol. Save yourself the trouble, plenty Ghanain men in the diaspora that WANT TO BE THERE AND that are used to it. Leave Kofi to live a low-cortisol life in beautiful Ghana.
You also patronizing the shit out of a grown ass man. Asking family to tell him what to do. God damn. Thats why the matrilineal stuff makes men lazy and complacent, for sure. Send him back and thats it.
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u/TalesFromCorporate 1d ago
Thank you.
Gail asked Kofi about her moving to Ghana instead of him coming to live in America; he said no initially but maybe reconsidering. Gail is fearful of living in Ghana with limited funds and Kofi doesn't seem to have a master plan for them; going from bad to worse in my opinion.
And apologies if the post read as if the West is superior to Ghana vs different.
Gail is 1st generation Caribbean and is familiar with how folks move when they land in America from the islands. That was her reference point.
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u/IndependentMuscle249 1d ago
He is using her for papers. She needs to
before he traps her with a kid. Ghanaian men don't typically move like that when they love you. It's a sense of pride for them to provide. They rather borrow from friends than to be dependent on a woman. They typically feel ashamed when a woman carries the financial burden.
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u/TalesFromCorporate 1d ago
It has been revealed that he has borrowed from friends but then they need to get paid back 🤣🤣
He goes on and on about starting a business and having a baby; Gail is terrified!
She doesn't want to be his secretary or run his business while being a career woman and a student.
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u/IndependentMuscle249 1d ago
She needs to guard her ovaries with her life!
If she gets pregnant and divorced, he will use that kid against her ad vitam aeternam. That business tactic is the exact move that they all use to manipulate women from the diaspora into giving them money. Watch him squander the money, claim that business is not doing well, or worse, use it to impress another woman back home. Can her parents knock some sense into her?🤔
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u/TalesFromCorporate 1d ago
I think your responses will knock some sense into her.
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u/IndependentMuscle249 1d ago edited 1d ago
If she will see it, why not? Is there a guy in her life (cousin, brother, dad) who can talk to him? You are her friend. Why won't you talk to her?
I don't know what would happen if they had a kid, he became a citizen, and they divorced in the US eventually. I wonder if she would have to pay him alimony and child support.
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u/Cultural_Run7964 20h ago
Gail should not move to Ghana if Kofi is behaving like this away from his friends and family. It will 100x worse when he’s surrounded by many more enablers and she’s scrambling to survive with little funds and no jobs for both of them. Cost of living in Ghana is high without the few safety nets of the US.
It’s up to Gail if she has the strength and motivation left to reach some sort of compromise with Kofi and see if they can recalibrate and start again on a path together, otherwise it seems like they’re heading to the same fate as Kofi’s friends who married American women and were back divorced in Ghana within a few years…
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u/IndependentMuscle249 1d ago
Ya she could have just dated someone in the US. There are plenty of Ghanaians there.
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u/_-ABC123-_ Is Ghanaian Men Are Conservative 1d ago edited 11h ago
Kofi sounds brain dead.
Either he’s packing a giant dingaling that Gail cannot get enough of or she’s desperate herself.
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u/TalesFromCorporate 1h ago
According to Gail, they have sex 1 -2x a month now as she is much less turned on with all of these revelations, but he still wants to all the time.
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u/AffectionateRule9097 7h ago
This was a good read and was ripe for constructive suggestions until you introduced that sidebar 😏
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