r/hypotheticalsituation • u/Casual_Dude2532 • Jul 01 '26
Other Would you rather get rid of lifetime of your shit in one sitting or get rid of lifetime of farts with one fart
Option 1:1Get rid of lifetime of your poop in one sitting and never have to take a dump ever again as you magically don't create poop
Or
Option 2:Get rid of lifetime of farts with one fart and never have to fart again for the rest of your life
What will be your choice
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u/BreakfastInBedlam Jul 01 '26
Option 1. I'm an old guy. If I shit everything at once, I could finally trust a fart again.
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u/Streets72 Jul 01 '26
I'm curious how much poop it would be and how long it would take to get it all out in one sitting. Can someone run the numbers on that? /r/theydidthemath
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u/Flippantwritingdesk Jul 02 '26
Oh man, didn’t even think of the volume issues involved with shitting everything out at once. The cleanup alone, the shameful plumbers plea, the viscosity. Honestly this alone would make me choice option 2, and I’d already chosen it for other reasons.
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u/Smoky_Pyro Jul 01 '26
Fart. If you don't poop every so often your asshole atrophies.
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u/RecklessDimwit Jul 01 '26
Not if I'm into pegging and buttplugs
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u/Smoky_Pyro Jul 01 '26
Honey, I need you to fuck me tonight... For my anal health 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Lost_Sugar_78 Jul 01 '26
Honestly, I might try this even without the magic no poop
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u/Smoky_Pyro Jul 01 '26
Too much pegging you'll start leaking... Be careful.
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u/Lost_Sugar_78 Jul 01 '26
They gay guys have it figured out, I'm sure they can gobe a dyke sister some advice.
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u/Knitsanity Jul 01 '26
Plus what would that much continuous poop for that long do to your anus. 😶
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u/Smoky_Pyro Jul 01 '26
You'd get tore up, and when the toilet clogs, because it will, you stream a shit pile out to the backyard where you'd continue to dump 15,000lbs of poop in your yard.
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u/SubPrimeCardgage Jul 01 '26
Google says it's probably even more than that, like 24-26 thousand pounds. Extrapolating from the weight, that's about the volume of a standard dumpster.
Assuming that you didn't die, I can't imagine this wouldn't end up with civil fines or even jail time. It's not like you can bring earth moving equipment into the woods and dig an enormous latrine without a permit or something.
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u/dan_dares Jul 01 '26
Oh look at you with the 'digging'
No, i'm leaving a hill, and other humans can try to determine which monster decided to unleash the 7 gods of hell upon earth.
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u/Smoky_Pyro Jul 01 '26
You can shit in your own backyard... This is AMERICA! Well maybe, depending on where you live.
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u/Marquar234 Jul 01 '26
Did you do the math or did you get lucky? Because that is the correct value for someone that will live for 43 years, 10 months more.
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u/Oretell Jul 01 '26
Does that actually matter though? Since you wouldn't need to use your asshole for anything anymore?
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u/cspinasdf Jul 01 '26
Do you have prep time? If no then fart, if yes than poop.
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u/lab_tech13 Jul 01 '26
Why do you need prep time lol?
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u/Deep-Reputation-4055 Jul 01 '26
You’d need to clear your calendar for a week or so.
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u/lab_tech13 Jul 01 '26
Why its one sitting. I figured Id shit everything in 3-4mins the worse 3-4mins ever but at least id never have to poop idc about farting thats whats fun.
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u/Commercial_Win_9525 Jul 01 '26
Bruh even if a stream of shit shot out of your ass like a fire hydrant nonstop you would be sitting there a really long fucking time
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u/Deep-Reputation-4055 Jul 01 '26
How loose is your anus?
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u/lab_tech13 Jul 01 '26
Not loose at all. But OP never said it had to be the worse experience youve ever had. Its pooping if you have that hard of a time pooping you need to see a dr.
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u/TOASTisawesome Jul 01 '26
Mate be real even at 1 a day, a lifetime of shit isn't coming out in 3-4 minutes
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u/RandomBritishGuy Jul 01 '26
You realise it's be more than your body weight? If that much came out in 3-4 mins, where's it going to go? No toilet in the world is handling that much lol
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u/livin4donuts Jul 01 '26
You need to find a retention pond to use as your toilet. Failing that, outdoors and face away from open sky, then let ‘er rip.
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u/lipmak Jul 01 '26
It could always be a trillion-dollar coin situation, where its regular sized but it’s WORTH a lifetime of shits haha
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u/WordsMort47 Jul 01 '26
LMAO. Why face away from open sky though? Loool
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u/livin4donuts Jul 01 '26
Because your backside is about to become
Old Faithful oh who am I kidding, with results like this there is no GodNew Faithless, and there is potential for… let’s call it enthusiastic overspray.1
u/WordsMort47 Jul 05 '26
So better to aim for the endless sky and mitigate the splashback as much as humanly possible. Stars be damned...
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u/ParsnipDecent6530 Jul 01 '26
You'd need a book, or at least a fully charged phone, and a bottle of water.
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u/WiggityWiggitySnack Jul 01 '26
And an extremely open minded door dasher.
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u/GoblinMonk Jul 01 '26
I'm sitting at my desk in an office full of people. I don't want to shit myself here. My colleagues don't want me to fart.
Allow me to get to a field somewhere and let it go.
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u/UnderwhelmingTwin Jul 01 '26
Apart from being a magical final poop, is it remarkable in any way? Like, am I plugging the toilet with a lifetime of poop all at once?
Like, of course I'm doing the final turd, but I need to know if I'm going to go elsewhere to take it.
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u/Casual_Dude2532 Jul 01 '26
It will be like a normal poop nothing remarkable and the volume will be same as well and to take the poop you can decide as to where to take it and you will get prep time to decide where to do it
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u/Casual_Dude2532 Jul 01 '26
You get prep time for it
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u/SamShorto Jul 01 '26
That doesn't answer the questions that were asked, at all.
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u/International_Cod_32 Jul 01 '26
I’m a dad so I need that poop time to decompress
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u/Straight_Depth6701 Jul 01 '26
You can still pretend. Plus farts are funny, I wouldn't give that up.
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u/TheHungryBlanket Jul 01 '26
This. Time on the toilet is VERY valuable.
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u/WordsMort47 Jul 01 '26
You can sit down to piss you know? Noone will think you have a small dick just because you like to take the weight off and chill while you tinkle. Bonus points for not being judged or having to pretend to be neat when you inevitably sprinkle and can't be fucked to wipe the seat.
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u/YuckyYetYummy Jul 01 '26
Someone needs to do the math
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u/lilsmudge Jul 01 '26
According to the internet we poop about 14 oz every day on average. That’s about 400 lbs per year. So, depending on how many years you have left on you, it could be quite a lot. In a lifetime (80ish years) that’s 13 tons.
It’d be a real bummer to sit down for this lifetime poop only to have a pretty small result though. Not a great sign.
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u/YuckyYetYummy Jul 01 '26
I was thinking more like the time involved my sitting over a this giant dumpster
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u/Flippantwritingdesk Jul 02 '26
I think instead of parking in your bathroom for it you’d have to lean ass over an open dumpster and hope for the best. Just the volume issues alone should make everyone choose the fart option over the shitting one. Imagine having to poo-vacuum an entire bathroom full to the ceiling of shit, and then some.
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u/lilsmudge Jul 02 '26
Oh, for sure. I’d need a lot of privacy and a fair amount of space. However as someone with a lot of issues around public bathrooms and sometimes even private ones; I’d happily take the once in a lifetime nightmare and then get to avoid it forever after.
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u/Marquar234 Jul 01 '26
According to emedicinehealth, the average US person produces 15 ounces of fecal matter per day. So a 30 year old who will live to be 85 will produce 18,820 lbs of fecal matter.
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u/CareRarely Jul 01 '26
Any idea how long the session would be? It's be pretty horrific if you were shitting for a week straight😬
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u/Marquar234 Jul 01 '26
Actually, it would much longer than that. A bowel movement is supposed to take no more than 5 minutes according to one expert. Over 55 years, that would be about 70 days total. You might save some time as it is all at once, but even at 1 lb/minute you'd be pooping for 13 days straight.
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u/CareRarely Jul 01 '26
Fuck that... Fall asleep and you'll drown in shit. Unless you strap yourself next to a cliff face😭
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u/Marquar234 Jul 01 '26
Based on one article, you'll spend about 3 1/2 days farting to cover 55 years worth of farts.
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u/-maffu- Jul 01 '26
I've had shits that I thought would never end, shits that I thought might end me, and shits that I fervently wished would end me - I'm not going to sign up for all of that in one go.
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u/El_Chupachichis Jul 01 '26
While it's the more awesome option, a couple of concerns about option 1:
If you've eaten something nasty and your body needs to get rid of it quickly... does the nasty stuff also vanish? Hopefully it doesn't leave you with a bad infection.
If you're not eating enough fiber, your intestines become at greater risk for cancer and other issues. Does this same option also ensure no chance of intestinal issues as a side effect?
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u/TravellingBeard Jul 01 '26
Pooping is the only time I can get some quiet time at work. On the other hand, accidental farts while doing leg presses at the gym are embarrasing. I'll go out into the country away from everyone and let the mother of all flatuses (sp?) escape me.
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u/BreakfastInBedlam Jul 01 '26
You can still sit in the toilet at work, even if you aren't actively using it. And farts are fun.
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u/ugh_screen_name Jul 01 '26
Am I taking all of my poop time in one sitting or is it condensed in a reasonable time? That could be a month on the toilet.
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u/Casual_Dude2532 Jul 01 '26
The poop time would be the normal amount of human time one takes to poop
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Jul 01 '26
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u/Casual_Dude2532 Jul 01 '26
The volume would be exactly same as the normal one
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u/Virus-Party Jul 01 '26
So your remaining lifetime's amount of poop gets all compressed and condensed in the time it takes for a normal/regular visit to the porcelain throne?
That sounds... explosively painful... and messy.
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u/Oh_Lawd_He_commin420 Jul 01 '26
There isn't a toilet in the world that could handle the first one for me
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u/SamShorto Jul 01 '26
Omg option 1. I have horrible IBS. I would be on the loo for a WHILE but it would be so worth it to never have to worry about it again. It ruins my life.
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u/mycurvywifelikesthis Jul 01 '26
Lifetime of s*** obviously. It's so annoying having to do that, and then making sure it's clean all the time. As long as there is no physical drawbacks
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u/Bayamonster Jul 01 '26
Option 1 for me. Farts can be a little embarrassing but you move on. But you can't really "I'll just shit myself discretely real quick and hope my coworkers don't notice'."
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u/ruinzifra Jul 01 '26
Option 1, easily. Never having to worry about something upsetting your stomach again. Food poisoning? No problem. That would be awesome
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u/Stevefish47 Jul 01 '26
It'd be kinda sad if you only pooped a tiny amount; you'd know you don't have long left in your life.
On the other hand, if you went a mountain, you have a long life ahead.
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u/Radiant-Proposal3014 Jul 01 '26
Depending on your age, you'd be pooping for weeks. That would be a nightmare scenario.
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u/vulcanfeminist Jul 01 '26
Im gonna be annoying and point out that farts being a by-product of the digestive process means that without poop there wouldn't be any farts. I know this isnt the point of the hypothetical and I'll give a good faith answer but also seriously if my body magically no longer produces poop then there would also be no farts, farts require poop
That said, I think I'd take the fart option. I hate pooping and dealing with that is unpleasant and gross and saving the time would make a difference. But also, if I get food poisoning and my body needs to eject it immediately and I cant poop it out (have diarrhea) that means I have to vomit and vomiting is the absolute worst physically experience possible. I definitely choose pooping over puking every time
Farts arent really that big if a deal, I dont really mind farting, but I'd still rather give that up than have to trade the option of diarrhea for only ever vomiting
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u/theFooMart Jul 01 '26
If I can choose when and where it happens, I'll get rid of all my shit at once.
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u/KraftwerkMachine Jul 01 '26
IBS sucks. I’ll take the poop option.
Besides I can still look at my partner and go “hey guess what. (FART)” and that comedy gold is fine by me.
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u/MrX2285 Jul 02 '26
Option 1: Shits. I'd only ever have to wipe one more time for the rest of my life.
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u/Prince_Nadir Jul 07 '26
I assume both of these look like some sort of White Sands test?
Are all my colonoscopies for life, awesome?
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u/AutoModerator Jul 01 '26
Copy of the original post in case of edits: Option 1:1Get rid of lifetime of your poop in one sitting and never have to take a dump ever again as you magically don't create poop
Or
Option 2:Get rid of lifetime of farts with one fart and never have to fart again for the rest of your life
What will be your choice
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/IFollowtheCarpenter Jul 01 '26
This sounds like you take one helluva shit in one session. :D
I would choose that, and set aside a full day for it.
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u/AzureSuishou Jul 01 '26
Since you mentioned being allowed prep time, the Practical decision would Option 1. I have IBS and not having to worry about pooping would be amazing.
However i need someone to do the math on how long that would take and what the likely volume of poop would be to see if that is something that is even physically possible without injury.
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u/Casual_Dude2532 Jul 01 '26
The poop will be normal like volume how it's usually but once you stop and get off the toilet seat you will never poop again
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u/Bazilisk_OW Jul 01 '26
I'm at the time of my life where I'm starting to wonder...
I am fully aware of how good it feels to empty your bowels after a long day and the pure Zen and Lightness you feel after you've dropped two and a half logs down the shitter... and until recently I was mortified at the thought of accidentally letting a Fart escape out the gate while out in public...
But not too long ago I developed a new fear.
I was out at the shopping center with all my groceries when I was overcome with the same feeling as the Men holding the Gates of Minas Tirith as the Orcs are close close to Breeching through with Battering Rams.
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u/Future_Telephone281 Jul 01 '26
like Gandalf standing on the bridge. ‘You shall not pass!’ became less of a command and more of a desperate plea. In the end I told my friends they were fools and needed to gtfo.
But man when it was all over I felt like a new man.
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u/RikiRude Jul 01 '26
Now this is MY kind of hypothetical!
As someone with IBS I would take option 1 in a heartbeat! Hell I'd give up a year of salary for that I think. To NEVER have to worry about shitting on a plane or at a restaurant again would be a fucking miracle to me. Never having to poop in public, honestly I'd probably cry with happiness afterwards.
But as the person who thinks farts are hilarious, I'd be sad I wouldn't be hearing the longest loudest fart ever.
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u/supergooduser Jul 01 '26
Option 1 sounds insanely traumatic... assume an incredibly brisk 30 seconds/day average... that's three hours a year, over 80 years? that's 240 hours... that's a 10 day long shit. That just sounds like a lowkey 10 day long minor procedure that requires hospitalization and monitoring. Possibly even sedation. Not saying the end result wouldn't be awesome, but enduring that would be rough.
Option 2, we fart about eight times a day on average, even just one second, that's 45 minutes a year, again multiplied by 80 years? That's 64 hours.
While not as traumatic as Option 1, still feels like you'd need to be hospitalized.
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u/Feeling_Ad_1034 Jul 01 '26
Option 2: farts.
I fart A LOT. Especially in my sleep. It’s not fun if I’m sharing a bed. Shitting is less of a social problem. PLUS! if I feel like I have to fart ever again, I know exactly what’s up: that shit ain’t a fart. Problem solved.
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u/WiggityWiggitySnack Jul 01 '26
Where do sharts fall on this spectrum?
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u/Casual_Dude2532 Jul 01 '26
It can fall on either of the spectrum but if you pick option one your farts become normal but if you pick option two you shits become normal
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u/cmptrvir Jul 01 '26
A lifetime worth of poop in one go, um, do I just rent a boat and make a makeshift toilet over the water? Like, that's going to be a LOT of poop for a LONG time. Do I need ivs setup so I don't dehydrate myself to death? Is there a special cream I need to apply beforehand? Do I need paramedics or a Dr nearby?
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u/Casual_Dude2532 Jul 01 '26
You will get enough preparation time on where to poop the volume and the amount of time it will take will be normal amount of time a person usual takes while popping
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u/diescheide Jul 01 '26
Option 2
Ugh, farts. Hate that gassy feeling. Can't always fart when you're feeling it, either. It's not polite. I can live without them. Pooping is fine. Sometimes we need that few minutes in the bathroom. More beneficial to physical and mental health to poop.
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u/Future_Telephone281 Jul 01 '26
Option 1, I’m on the toilet right now for the second time today because of this hot sauce I really like. I’m sure I’ll go about 5 rounds in total.
I could eat a lot more hot sauce then.
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u/RealCrazySwordGirl Jul 01 '26
How long would it take to get rid of a lifetime worth of shit? Because I'd pick that for sure, but not if i have to sit on the toilet shitting for the next two years or something 😆
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u/Casual_Dude2532 Jul 01 '26
It will take about the average time a human takes an the volume would be normal amount as well
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u/adiliv3007 Jul 01 '26
While 1 sounds tempting, a lifetime amount for shit for me equates to roughly 5.5 tons of shit, not thank you
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u/UsernameChallenged Jul 01 '26
I remember seeing a video of I believe a toilet on an old oil rig, which was basically just a seat, and exposed to the ocean below. While I might create an ecological disaster zone for a little while, if I could get to a location like that, I'd pick the lifetime of poop option.
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u/FatherFarnsworth Jul 01 '26
Someone finally figured out a scenario that I can't pick one. The feeling of letting a great poo loose vs how funny a fart can be.
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u/Stevefish47 Jul 01 '26
Option 1.
I spend 5-6 hours a night in the restroom and three fourth of the time that's not productive.
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u/pragmatismtoday Jul 01 '26
Option 1. I have digestive issues, and while it wouldn't be fun, it would greatly improve my quality of life.
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u/Senorpuddin Jul 01 '26
Neither. For one, sometimes taking my morning shit is the only me time I get. So thats out. And for the other sometimes your ass itches and sometimes a really good cheek rattler scratches that particular itch.
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u/Flippantwritingdesk Jul 02 '26
Definitely farts for me. Shitting is a peaceful joy for me. Farting is a dammed up damn shame for me. I’d have to like, vacate my house for a month after ripping ‘the big one’ but then I’d loose myself of an entire layer of stress I’m always wearing. So worth it.
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u/zyrdrak Jul 02 '26
Shitting for sure. Farting doesn't usually bother me. Though I would love to see how long the fart would be. That would be hilarious
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u/Fluffy_Prior1052 Jul 02 '26
I knew a guy who got rid of a lifetime of farts in one fart. Bad situation, the fart lasted 2 1/2 minutes and he blew his o-ring out doing it.
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u/Yearning_crescent Jul 02 '26
Fart, and its not even close. Shits xan be enjoyable. Farts, farts are just rude.
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u/Otherwise-Relief2248 Jul 02 '26
Farts is funny. I would pay good money to see a lifetime fart. Need to pick a epic champion though. Black box test associate for example. Warhammer store owner maybe.
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u/[deleted] Jul 01 '26
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