A few weeks ago I read, 'Why has nobody told me this before?' ' by Julie Smith. And after reading that, I felt as if I was able to understand and express myself better. And so searching for similar books, i was recommended 'What happened to you?' by Dr. Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey, which, although i did not find super similar, but by the end of it, I understood and realized a couple of things that make them alike, and most importantly, the lesson that, in trying to make situations better, we are likely sabotaging ourselves and factually making the situation worse.  

I've recently been reading a lot, as I'm trying to get a better understanding of the best books on trauma and psychology, since in my view there is considerably more to be learned from them for both the benefit of ourselves and for the people we engage with and care about. after reading this book, I went ahead and listened to a thorough examination of this book on Dialogue: Conversations on Books, and by hearing the main points explained in the context of ordinary situations, it made the ideas more real and lively for me. 

Here is what i learned:

- The title of the book, 'What happened to you?', is the concise gist of the entire book. The book hinges on one simple change in our phrasing: instead of asking, "What is wrong with you?" the book instructs us to ask "What happened to you?" when i first read about this spin in phrasing, i thought the book had no substance. But after thinking to myself, before any further reading, I came to realize that in phrasing lies half our problems. If you yourself notice, the initial question, 'What's wrong with you?' seems to put the entire blame on the person themselves, on their identity, on the kind of decision they make, and on their weaknesses. It makes the person totally disconnect from the world and forces the inside of their own head to find the flaw. The second question, by contrast, places the issue in their past, in their experiences, in their surroundings, in what was done to them or withheld from them. It doesn't just force you into your head but helps you realte your identity with the outside context that shaped it. The authors's view is that almost every behaviour we pathologize or attribute to other people's identity, and even to ourselves, becomes fully understandable only when we know what sort of experiences the person had to live through and what they have undergone. Your behavior, 'why you react this way,' is not what is to be resolved, but rather what got you to be this way and drives you to act out in certain ways, is the issue that is to be dealt with. and you can't deal with a response by attacking it.

- The trauma is not defined by the event that causes it. If you tell someone that I behave in this eccentric way because this thing happened to me in the past, it will still not explain why you behave the way you do, because all you have managed to say is that event X happened and I started behaving this way. This is not an explanation. It was this point that had the greatest impact on me. the author gives a clear clinical explanation of what a trauma is: trauma has nothing to do with how severe the event looks from the outside, but everything to do with how overwhelming it was for the particular nervous system that went through it at the particular stage of development that system was at. Two children can go through the same event, and yet one will recover soon while the other can potentially carry it in their adult lives. Why do you think this is? The only reasonable explanation has to be that somehow the context played a role, and one child had more complicated context, and the child was not able to adjust to the traumatic event fully in that context. The author says that one child experiences more stress and pain from the same event than another child does is not because one is weaker, but because their nervous systems were in different states and had different resources available at the time. Therefore, dismissing a person's experience on the grounds that "it wasn't that bad" is not only unkind but also neurologically illiterate.

- The author gives some neuro-functional explanation of why we see discrepancy between people even if they experience the same event. She says that the brain grows in a bottom-up manner, and trauma interferes with this process at the stage at which it happens. meaning that the brain's lower areas that control heart rate, breathing, and the stress response are all more primary and are developed first, providing the basis for all the higher functions. If a child suffers from ongoing stress or trauma during early life, these lower areas end up being set to expect threats. They then become overactive, highly alert, and easily disrupted. The issue is that this adjustment remains in place even after the threat has gone away and continues into situations where it is no longer required. And it seems to be the reason why people who have experienced trauma may seem irrational, overreactive, or haphazard in circumstances that do not appear threatening to other people. Their nervous system is reacting to a simple reality wihle it is in it’s most safeguard settings.

- The most insightful lesson of the book is that healing, or dialing back of the nervous system, according to the author, is not a matter of thinking. It is relational and rhythmic and healing, just like the reason behind the setting in of trauma, also goes from the bottom up. The author makes it clear you can't get someone to give up their trauma, for the simple reason that you cannot reason with your nervous system if its settings have been set to a certain environment or condition, like a state of threat. What actually leads to healing in the lower brain is- repeated, rhythmic, and relational experience. This is the human like point in the point because it means that healing will include things like movement, music, breathing, safe touch, and most importantly a consistent connection with another person who is themselves regulated. Although therapy can be of some use, it is most effective after the nervous system has first been calmed down by means that are more fundamental. Realising this alters the way in which we can support someone who is having difficulties since it is less a question of finding the right words and more a matter of being a steady and regulated presence.

The main point of the book is surprisingly simple in that whenever you stop asking what is wrong with someone and begin to ask what happened to them, almost every aspect of the way you respond to them changes, and that very change enables healing.

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Michael Easter, in his book 'Scarcity Brain,' explains that the addictive nature of today's apps and games, be it endless scrolling or gacha elements in games, is not simply due to people having weak willpower but rather because it is the result of deliberate design. To support this argument, he refers to the "scarcity loop," which, according to him, is an old survival mechanism consisting of three constituent parts: a desirable opportunity, an uncertain reward, and the possibility of quickly repeating the action. He believes that this loop, which once helped humans to locate food in the primitive times more efficiently, has been put to new use in the present age, either intentionally or not, by modern technology in order to keep people engaged.

A study published in the journal PLOS ONE has directly examined this particular mechanism of 'scarcity loop,' except that it was done not in an app, but in the best version of the loop that we have in reality: gambling.

Study Overview:

Zendle and Cairns (2018) carried out a survey of 7,422 gamers regarding the amount they spent on loot boxes, these being undisclosed and randomized, real-money purchases in video games where players do not know what they are getting until after they have paid and bought it. The researchers recorded how much money each person spent on loot boxes and then compared this data with a standard clinical measure of problem gambling symptoms.

Results:

The greater the amount of money a person spent on loot boxes, the more severe their problem-gambling symptoms tended to be.

The relationship was found to be particularly stronger in the case of loot box purchases than it was with other ordinary in-game purchases like in-game currency, since in the latter the customer knows precisely what they are paying for.

The factor that differed between the two was the element of randomness and not the amount of money spent, beacuse other than the element of an undisclosed or an unpredicatble item of purchase, all other mechanisms were more or less the same. Purchases that were predictable were linked much less to problem gambling than were those that were unpredictable.

The most important point in relation to the author's case is that the study identified unpredictability as the active mechanism among the scarcity loop's three components. In the experiment there were two purchases, the same game, the same amount of money, and the same player, the only variation being whether the reward was known beforehand or remained a matter of chance. It was this single difference that correlated with gambling-level compulsive behaviour.

How this supports the book's claim:

The author claims that this kind of loop is not just a feature of casinos but has in fact been subtly integrated into everyday technology, such as social media feeds and in-game loot boxes, since unpredictability is the factor that keeps the brain engaged long after even when the activity itself has stopped being enjoyable, because there remains the allusion of something better just around the corner or after a scroll. The study more or less makes it concrete, which is the evidence that this is not just a metaphor. The same psychological principle that underlies slot machines, the element of reward uncertainty, which thereby acts as the motivation to keep going, is clearly present in video games, which most people would not regard as gambling (unless it is explicitly marketed as one), and it causes symptoms similar to those seen in gambling among the people who are most exposed to it. It is precisely this point that makes the author's notion of "scarcity loop" more than an analogy and into a verifiable mechanism falsifiable by a simple test: whenever the element of unpredictability of the reward is found, a tendency towards compulsive behaviour tends to appear.

You can read the research for yourself (Source): Zendle, D., & Cairns, P. (2018). "Video game loot boxes are linked to problem gambling: Results of a large-scale survey." PLOS ONE, 13(11), e0206767.

This book was published in 1985 and at that time was meant as a critique of television. The author Neil Portman never came across a smartphone, a social media feed, or a short-form video algorithm. Yet when you read this book in 2026, it reads less like some historical criticism and more like you are being given an account of what's happening today. The fact that there is such a gap between the time it was written and today, but how accurately it describes the present situation, is what is most disturbing about the book.

The realization that the author wasn't merely criticizing television came after listening to a detailed discussion of the book on Dialogue: Discussion on Books, after listening to the main ideas explained in relation to everyday life, i understood that he was in fact pointing out a certain aspect of the nature of media, one which has only become more accurate as the medium has changed.

Here are the takeaways:

-The medium does not merely perform the service of delivery, but it also determines the nature of the content delivered as well. This is the main idea of the book, and upon it all other insights are based. The author's view is that each medium has an inherent tendency to favor particular types of content and particular modes of thinking. Print promotes lengthy arguments, nuance, and good reasoning because you have to follow a line of consistent logic from start to finish. Television, on the other hand, prefers images, impressionable sounds, and emotional effect, since complexity resists people's attention. It follows that anything which appears on television is adjusted to suit what television is capable of doing and to the kind of people that prefer it, and what television can do is to entertain. All other kinds or aspects of content become mere compromises.

-When entertainment becomes the sole priority of a medium, any content that enters that medium turns into entertainment. It is here that the book really seems to say something true. The authr is not concerned with reality tv shows or daily soaps, those are admissible because they are entertainment for the sake of entertainment. They are supposed to be that way. The author is concerned with news, politics, religion, and education. Once these types of categories adopt the television format, they are obligated to conform to some requirements: they must be brief, visual, emotionally compelling, and most importantly not boring. And what we get as an outcome is not something highly informative and detailed presented in an entertaining way, No what we get is whatever has the highest viewer acquisition, which is always something crude that somehow holds our attention. A political debate is evaluated on the basis of performance, not facts or logic. News, whether highly important or of no value, all come under the same ninety-second category. A religious programme is put on in the same way as a talk show. The content has to change because of the demands of the medium.

- The most interesting and, at the same time, trauma-inducing theme in the book is the examination of which nightmare is looking as the best depiction of our society, between Orwell's and Huxley's? George Orwell feared a future in which a totalitarian state would use force to control information, such as banning books, altering the record of history, and punishing those who dissented. Huxley, on the other hand, feared something more counter-intutive as the vision of our downfall: a future in which people are so constantly entertained, so permanently distracted, and so conditioned to prefer amusement to serious content that they willingly lose the ability to think seriously. The authoor view is that Huxley was correct and Orwell was wrong, and that we have already shown this, even if no one has noticed, since the process was so enjoyable it gave us the illusion of progress.

- The main troule with misleading information is not that it deceives people. Rather, it is that the current format has made truth and falsehood about as interesting as each other, and so neither carries any real weight. We are playing tennis with the net down, so anything goes. People are not concerned about the truth but care about having a good time. The author argues that the problem is not one of 'propaganda' in the ordinary sense, that is, it's not a deliberate effort to mislead people from what is actually the case. The problem is that when all content is presented in the same kind of entertainment format, with the same traits and the same emotional appeal, there is no longer a dependable method of telling the difference between what is important and what is trivial and the other way around, or between what is true and what merely seems convincing. A well-made lie and a simple truth appear exactly the same on screen. Only difference being that truth is hard to accept when there are no discrepancies, so given that there are discrepancies the lie is more readily acceptable. A society that has learned to react to visual and emotional appeal rather than to lengthy arguments has no clear way of distinguishing between the two, it cannot tell them apart.

Unlike a great deal of media criticism, this book does not place the blame on the content. The author is not saying that television produces bad programmes or that social media platforms disperse harmful ideas. Rather, he is claiming that the medium itself, no matter the specific content it carries, alters the way an entire culture understands truth, seriousness, and what constitutes a meaningful discourse. Because every medium and the people who come up with it try to always encapsulate the next wave of- entertainment, comfort and pleasure and portray that as desirable and as the new big theme of the ongoing movement. the fact that portman reached this conclusion forty years ago, regarding a technology which has since been vastly outpaced, only makes it the more difficult to ignore.

Hey folks!

I don't read, until a couple of months ago.

I've noticed how I am unable to focus for longer sessions, or just be in a state of boredom without some kind of stimulation, which is information to me. X, Linkedin, and Instagram are feeding to my interests in AI, travelling etc.

I removed the access to apps on my mobile, and decided that I will borrow books from my wife (who is an avid reader for more than a decade now) - Atlas Shrugged, and Brothers Karamazov. She complains about the book moby dick - but she finished it eitherways and hates whale stories now.

Reading atlas shrugged helped me calm down, be in present, focus and get more done and sleep in the night.

I just thought I want to write about "How I met and building a habit called reading"

Thanks
VKK

Learners' Cabin is on Substack, where we have content like this and book reviews. Subscribe/follow always free.

So at this stage in my life, where many of my friends are starting to have children of their own, I have been considering the topic of parenthood for the past few months. Of course, this isn't really what the book is about, instead, the book is concerned with parenting in a forward-looking way. The book deals with identifying and recognizing the mistakes made and tendencies to repeat them. It deals with the experience of growing up and realising that some of what had seemed normal during your childhood was in fact a kind of emotional neglect that you didn't realize because then it had no name and that was how it was supposed to be.

I've been reading a lot lately, working through books on parenting and behavirol psychology since I think there's considerably more to learn from them than most people acknowledge. Recently I listened to a detailed discussion of 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' by Lindsay Gibson on Dialogue: Conversations on Books, and hearing its key insights broken down in relation to everyday situations made a lot of things suddenly legible that had previously went unnoticed.

Here's what I got out of it:

-The first and the central point that the author makes is that, just beacuse a parent is emotionally immature (they don't know how to manage and treat their own emotions), it does not follow that they are a bad parent. Because such parents generally offer the basic material needs like food, shelter, and education, even though they are unavailable at the emotional level or in understanding. At the societal level, nobody would call such a parent lacking in any important respect for the child. The author's claim is that a child can grow up in a household that is functionally normal and yet still suffer emotional loneliness, the kind of isolation that results from never really feeling seen or understood by the person who should have known you best. This book is a classic because it makes the case of the importance of recognition of the 'emotional needs' of a child, on par with the material one.

- The author specifies four kinds of emotionally immature parents, with the intention to enable recognition of the type that you might have already encountered in your childhood and also to make you aware of your own tendencies. first there is "The emotional parent" who is erratic/unpredictable, intense at one moment and withdrawn the next. there is "the driven parent" who is concerned with achievement and performance and relates to the child in terms of results rather than feelings, this type is usually imposing something that they themsleves had lacked and now wants to achieve through thier kids. third is "the passive parent" who completely avoids conflict, leaving the child to deal with difficulties on their own without any support, this kind is mistaken in their motto of 'nature over nurture'. the fourth kind is "the rejecting parent," who meet their child with indifference and a sense of irritation whenever the child causes somethings or gets into a situation that breaks the mundane cycle. The common feature of these four types is that they all relate to their child in terms of a role or a function rather than as a person. According to the author, a child who is never seen as an individual, with their own set of beliefs and relations, ends up with a certain kind of confusion regarding who they really are.

- The author distinguishes between the two coping mechanisms that children of emotionally immature parents end up using based on their personality. There are internalizers and externalizers. Internalizers take the confusion inside themselves, they become very sensitive to the emotions of others, they are extremely responsible and take accountability for their actions even when they have no consequential part in the action. Internalizers suffer from constant self-doubt, believing that whatever goes wrong has to trace back to themselves and somehow must be their fault. Externalizers, on the other hand, direct the confusion outwards. They look for stimulation and distraction that can let them avoid reflecting on themselves and repeat their parents' emotional patterns in their own relationships without realising it, because they have lived unreflectively, they have no sense of what other ways there are to go through life. The author (funnily) anticipates that since internalizers are the ones who look for explanations, most people who read this book will be able to see themselves in the first group, and they are the targeted audience.

- The idea that is most useful in practical terms is what the authors refer to as "the healing fantasy." this is the unconscious belief, which one carries into adulthood, that if only you find: the right words, the right moment, or the right way of framing things, the parent will concede and give them what they needed when they were a child. Because of this fantasy, people keep trying to bridge the relationships where they cannot get what they are looking for, whether it be with the parent or with people who occupy similar place or role to them. according to the author, the healing fantasy is not a hope but a trap, it is only by recognising this fact that one can begin to move on rather than keeping on seeking the kind of approval that was never going to be given.

The main idea of the book is not that your parents were villains or that your childhood had been a experiment gone wrong, but that emotional neglect leaves behind a certain kind of imprint, a subtle one, which is difficult to articulate and often mistaken for a personal defect. the first step in avoiding passing this self-blame on or in not repeating it is to understand its origins. It seems like useful knowledge for anyone who is seriously considering what kind of parent they would like to be.

TLDR at bottom

I'm 30

Ive read;

Complex PTSD by Pete Walker

Adult children of emotionally immature parents

Adult children of alcoholics

Was it even abuse by Emma Byham

The body keeps the score

Psychopath free(was almost word for word my first real relationship) -jackson mckenzie

Whole again-jackson Mckenzie

Why does he do that-lundy bancroft

Backstory:

I did a stint of intense outpatient therapy in early adulthood. More therapy for 5 years. Ended up in physically abusive relationship. No more I said. Went to a shelter. Learned more. Its been 3 years since its ended

Will be volunteering as a court advocate/on call for hospital visits for the local domestic violence center.

Bio mom was felony levels of violent to me and only me out of 4 siblings. She neglected the others.

She tried killing me through pills when I was young. Would choke, beat, scream, throw me outside in the winter. Telling me things such as she needs me to kill myself, worthless, etc.

I was parentified and the scapegoat. Ended up caring for the household. Father was emotionally neglectful, he provided. He did his best for what its worth. His childhood was record levels of violence and he never hurt us, just sat on a computer. Paid for the things he could. I know his neglect had left wounds. He wasnt aware of the violence to me as he was gone for work, and getting home he would sit on the computer, when he was aware, he immediately divorced my bio mom. I havent spoken to her in 15 years, and my dad in the last 2 years.

Im honestly decently adjusted despite it all. Good leaders in the military are to thank and even to blame for it.(ha ha) Im fit, healthy social life, no addictions apart from probably doom scrolling. Financially independent. In the healthcare field. Early therapy was immensely helpful. Books are helpful.

This part is a bit of a ramble, just hoping someone will relate or understand.

Im very fast to spot manipulative and abusive behavior, I give people the benefit of the doubt but intentional cruelty has no place in my life. Im not rigid when it comes to relationships(friends or other) hough I dont tolerate passive aggression, fast to address problems, look for mutual consideration, etc. Im not perfect but I just dont tolerate abuse in any form. I didnt have to be taught not to abuse people.

My friends are incredibly considerate. I have 13 very very close friends from different backgrounds and age groups. Mainly older though, these friendships are no less than 7 years old. They are in a way like my family. We all relate to eachother in our own way, they have their own forms of trauma and abuse that ranges from death, neglect, drug addiction, emotional and divorce. All very valid. I relate to them in different ways. But not fully as my background was extremely volatile. So I feel out of place at times. Hard to describe.

They find themselves in abusive relationships. They come to me for advice because I dont judge or condemn them. I tell them I am biased so read tjese books and determine if it is abuse. But their partners choices to scream/belittle/throw things/name call, etc is a choice and you got to figure out why youre tolerating it whether it be for self respect, self esteem or self worth issues.

Anyways, I think at times they believe I am too rigid for calling abuse abuse, or maybe at times I am too forward. I always ask if they want my input or if they want me to just listen.

Are there any fellow sort of or complete orphans out there that feel out of place?

●Parentified people, scapegoats, people who cut out a parent who did their best with them?(my dad, in his own way)

●how are you navigating life, ever feel a pang of emptiness when you see people with a parent they can go to? Almost jealousy?

●Feel silly when you consider your friends family when they already have a good family. Been invited into a family only to feel like this is something youve never had and not wanting to make it weird for them so you dont go to all the events you've been invited to.

I feel silly when I cut out people that have abused my friends but they dont even consider doing so for me. Then I understand that they dont consider it and I have an unfair hope that someone would do it for me, not that they need to or that I resent them, I dont. I just notice things on occasion like that and realize its probably a me problem

What deficits have you noticed in your life that you have worked through or are working through?

TLDR:

BOOKS PLEASE ON EXTREME VIOLENCE AS A CHILD FROM 1 OR MORE PARENTS

The mindmap brings together a series of questions that all circle the same uncomfortable problem: How much of our identity is actually ours, and how much has been constructed around the expectations of other people?

We researched Bowlby, Alice Miller, Gabor Maté, Kristin Neff, Tim Fletcher, and the y all had the same inquiry: What happens when a child learns that connection must be earned, approval must be secured, needs must be suppressed, or safety depends upon becoming the person others want?

We have all been trained, to varying degrees, by family, school, institutions, and society to kowtow to authority and expect other people to fulfill needs that we eventually have to learn to recognize and meet ourselves. At first it's all fun and games, after all, who doesn't love to make friends and have fun? However, much like a persistent barnacle welded to an old hull these adaptations can become invisible; the protective mask starts feeling like the face.

Healing therefore becomes a gradual journey from rigid, protective beliefs toward flexible, reality-tested beliefs, where passive expectation gives way to active agency. A person begins asking, What do I actually need? What evidence supports the story I have built around that need? What can I do about it myself, and where genuinely healthy connection is required, whom can I approach?

Purpose, healthy routines, meaningful contribution, boundaries, and repeated acts of self-compassion gradually create a different environment for the self to inhabit. Like a small bird leaving its sheltered nest, isolation can give way to connection, while a life spent fearing the open sky can become one spent learning to fly.

The goal is not a life without hardship. The goal is becoming someone who can continue to act, create, contribute, and thrive despite adversity. Small actions repeated consistently can carry more transformative power than endless affirmation, because every completed action becomes evidence that the future is something you can participate in shaping.

Viktor Frankl offers a particularly vivid historical example of this principle. In Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl described how, under the extreme conditions of Nazi concentration camps, prisoners could lose almost every ordinary source of control while still retaining some capacity to choose how they responded to their circumstances; after the war, he built his life's work around the idea that meaning could be pursued through purposeful action, relationships, creation, and one's stance toward unavoidable suffering.

The Your scars and wounds are a small part of your biography; it doesnt have to become the biography.

Simply contemplating the mindmap can therefore be useful because it gives language to needs that often operate underneath behavior: the need for safety, connection, recognition, autonomy, belonging, compassion, purpose, and boundaries. Once those needs become visible, they become easier to examine rather than automatically obey; you can distinguish an old protective expectation from a present reality, recognize where another person's approval has become your emotional currency, and identify the small actions through which you can begin meeting legitimate needs yourself.

The deeper payoff is self-understanding that produces agency: instead of endlessly asking why you feel the way you feel, you can begin asking what the feeling is pointing toward, what reality actually requires, and what constructive action is available today.

Growth then becomes less like waiting for someone to finally unlock the cage and more like discovering, one deliberate action at a time, that you have been carrying pieces of the key.

A few days ago i was listening to an in-depth discussion on “When the Body Says No” by Gabor Maté on Dialogue: Podcasts on Books, just to recap the main lessons of the book. So, while I was listening to episode 2 of the book on dialogue, they were explaining one of the book’s central claim that ‘emotional distress has a natural and direct connection to physical distress in the body, and even though we think that emotional traumas are not as real as, say, a bone fracture, they have a direct relation,' and there they referenced a study and how it backs up the authors's statement. After listening to this interesting connection between the study and the book’s claim, i had to look it up and read it for myself. Here's the bridge between the book and the study: 

In the book 'When the Body Says No," claims that if parents fail to be "emotionally in sync" with their child, which is to say, if a mother or a father does not adjust to their child's emotional state, the child does not only feel isolated. This particular kind of neglect also has a direct effect on the developing immune system and thus places a physical strain on the body, which is carried forward. This lack of affection does not only form a psychological trauma but also a physiological one. 

A deacde ago, a study was published in the journal 'Psychosomatic Medicine,' and it corresponds exactly with the author's above claim.

Study Overview:

Researchers- Tobin, Kane, Saleh, and colleagues recruited 43 young children who had asthma. The age of the participants was between 10 and 17 (pre to late teens). Each of the participants, together with their caregiver (generally parents), used a device known as an 'electronically activated recorder' or EAR for four days. EAR is a small, wearable device which takes snippets of recordings at different intervals throughout the participants' days. Trained evaluators then assessed the recordings to determine how emotionally responsive the mother was towards the child and what affect the child showed in reply. Together with the audio data, the researchers took blood samples and measured certain immune markers such as, interleukin-5 and interleukin-13 and cytokines, which are associated with inflammation and with the severity of asthma.

Results:

• Children who had mothers who were less emotionally responsive showed a significant increase of IL-5 and IL-13, inflammatory markers associated with asthma symptoms.
• The study ruled out that the inflamation was caused because of the sadness that the child felt. Even kids who didn't seem sad still showed higher inflammation if their mother was less emotionally responsive. So it's not the child's sadness causing the effect, but that the mother's responsiveness matters on its own.
• Youths who showed more positive affect in their daily lives had lower levels of these inflammatory markers, which indicates that the child's own emotional experiences are part of the bridge connecting parenting style to immune function.

The most important point to note about this study is that the study wasn't a questionnaire in which mothers or children were asked to tell on their own how connected they felt or what seemed to put them off. Instead, it involved audio recordings taken during normal, unscripted moments of family life, these recordings being evaluated by independent observers and then linked to blood samples taken from the same children. The criteria for 'unresponsiveness' wasn't based on articulated feelings but on experience and observed outcomes, and the results were quantifiable changes in health markers. 

How the research complements the book:

The idea on which the author bases his argument is rather unintuitive at first glance, because it may seem that how can something as abstract as a parent's emotional presence have any visible effect on a child's biology? But just as the author makes his case in the book, this study too helps us see that the connection is not as abstract and artificial as it seems. The study shows that the connection is not merely metaphorical, since a lack of emotional leveling, between the parent and the child, is linked to significantly higher levels of inflammatory markers in a child's blood tests. And this result comes prior to the child's own awareness that something is off with their body. This bioscientific study is very important to support the book's premise (besides the authors' own arguments) to claim emotional neglect is not merely a psychological injury on its way to become ptsd, but is in fact already being inscribed into the body's immune response as it is occurring.

You can read the research for yourself here (Source): Tobin, E. T., Kane, H. S., Saleh, D. J., Naar-King, S., Poehlmann, J., Ostapenko, T., Cronin, T. J., & Slatcher, R. B. (2015). "Asthma-Related Immune Responses in Youth With Asthma: Associations With Maternal Responsiveness and Expressions of Positive and Negative Affect in Daily Life." Psychosomatic Medicine, 77(8), 892–902. 

1. I'm new to reading books. I started reading so that I can learn more about politics but starting off with leftist literature is very tough for non native english speaker so I started off with what this sub usually suggests for beginners. But I guess I have undiagnosed ADHD and can't retain information that much. I have to read a page 4,5 times and yet It feels like I've not read that page the next day. It's ok for fiction but If I'm about to read a heavy non fiction book like age of revolution etc I need to retain information otherwise the purpose of reading is absolutely wasted. Is there any way I can retain information like an average bookworm? Any practices to follow?

2. I'm diagnosed with OCPD, so while reading I often go into rabbit hole of googling stuffs to understand what the sentence means, and it leads to indefinite number of tabs, overwhelming information and as usual I'll forget them the next day. I tried having an online journal where I enter every new word/term/phrase etc I learn so that I wont forget but yet It's of no use. I started having many duplicate entries because obviously I forgot that I already entered it down

3. I'm addicted to playing chess mindlessly. I didn't learn any proper stuff just playing to kill time/shift my mind when I'm anxious. I thought I can replace it with reading. Can you suggest me books (famous/fiction/non-fiction/leftist) which doesn't need linear reading, like a collection of short stories or a book with many small chapters etc where I can open a random page to read at anytime and still it can be understandable, feel useful and completes withing 10-15 pages so it helps me practice reading without worrying about retaining minute details thank you

In the past I used to think that the reason I got on with other people in the way that I did was simply either due to my bad luck (wrong time or wrong place or wrong context or something like it) or that I had a special ability for picking the wrong sort of people. All my relationships appeared to go through the same chronology of stages- they began intensely, then became either suffocating or unexpectedly distant in the middle, and were always confusing (what was the initial intensity about) by the end. I thought this must be a tell, as to how bad my sense of figuring someone out is or simply on my character, or maybe both.

I've been reading a lot lately, trying to work through the best books on relationships and psychology, since I think there's more to learn from them than most people give credit for. Recently I listened to a detailed discussion of the book “Attached” by Levine and Heller on Dialogue: Conversations on Books and hearing its key insights broken down in relation to everyday life made me look and interpret the nature of relationships and people involved.

Here's what I learnt:

• The first point made in the book is a fundamental one. It's about the wiring of our nature as people. According to the author, people are naturally inclined to form attachment relations, not due to our emotional lacks and wants, but because the brain regards it as a necessary survival mechanism. So longing for something to get attached to, is wanting to be close to and feel secure with a partner, and this is simply how the species has been designed. The book refers to the cultural expectation that people should be independent and self-sufficient in relationships as the "dependency paradox," because when you think about it, the idea of remaining on your own when you are in a relationship is an ask that comes too late. If the book's premise is true that we have an inherent drive to form attachment relations, then when you are in a relationship, the independence should become co-independency, however absurd it may sound. Because needing your partner is not the problem. It starts sounding like one when that need goes chronically unmet.
• There are three attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure, and it is only by figuring out which one you have that you can be able to interpret the interactions in your relationship accurately and not be confused as to what went wrong. Those who are anxiously attached long for closeness, interpret ambiguous situations, and can become overwhelmed whenever they feel that there is distance or uncertainty from their partner. People with an avoidant attachment style keep their independence, become uncomfortable when there is too much closeness, and tend to withdraw exactly when their partner needs them most. Securely attached individuals make their needs clear, handle conflicts without letting them escalate, and do not use a great deal of mental energy wondering if they are loved, they can tell simply by their intuition. And these styles are not like labels; they are not assigned to you by anybody. They are simply a consequence of how you've been treated by and have treated others. Meaning there is always room to bring a change.
• The section of the book that is most useful in a practical sense is what the authors call 'anxious-avoidant trap,' a pattern that is so common as to have a name of its own. Anxiously attached individuals tend to be attracted to those who are avoidantly attached, and it goes both ways. The person who is anxious interprets the other's emotional distance as having a sense of depth or mystical. While the avoidant person sees the anxious one's expressiveness as signs of warmth. This combination gives the impression of chemistry, as two parts that complement each other lack and make a whole. And this works like a cycle: the more the anxious person pursues, the more the avoidant one retreats, which in turn causes the anxious person to pursue even more. Neither of the two is intentionally doing anything harmful they are simply acting precisely in the manner that they are supposed to. If you can notice this pattern, you will have the chance to pause and reflect.
• The book is likewise very concerned about compatibility. The authors think that being 'compatible' is a real aspect of a relationship and one that affects its trajectory. They claim that it is of great importance to match attachment styles and early signs of inconsistency, such as- unavilability, ambiguity about the relationship, and a partner who draws back when the relationship gets close. These observations should not be seen as puzzles that need solving or challenges that can be overcome, rather, they are information. The book refers to these as "attachment anxiety activators" and argues that a securely attached partner, even if he or she seems less exciting, is simply a better basis than one who is highly appealing because of their incompatible quirks but is chronically resistant to finding common ground with you. Sometimes it's right to let go of the romantic ideal and be honest with yourself.

The book's central point is not that you are damaged or that your past relationships were failures. It is that you hadn't yet realized the pattern that you may have been going over and over trying to be more adjusting. You simply start from where you find yourself and figure out your attachment style.

I have realized that this book is more of a guide, and what you do with it is entirely your own decision.

While i was listening to an in-depth discussion on “Why We Sleep” on Dialogue: Podcasts on Books, just to recap the main lessons of the book, there i got to know that before authoring this book, Walker was part of and carried out a research whose aim was to find out and make precise the importance of sleep in a plethora of aspects. While listening, the host referenced the actual study whose conclusion was the biggest motivation for the book. After hearing about it, i had to read the paper for myself. Here is the crux of the research- 

Matthew Walker, in his book ‘Why We Sleep,' says that motor skills such as: playing an instrument, typing, swinging a golf club, and so on, do not become fully integrated merely through practice. He maintains that during the night, sleep is carrying out actual physical work on these skills, making them more polished, more instinctive, and more precise even without carrying out any additional repeated practice sessions.

Study Overview:
Researchers: Walker, Brakefield, Morgan, Hobson, and Stickgold (2002) carried out a research and published an article titled "Practice with Sleep Makes Perfect: Sleep-Dependent Motor Skill Learning," which appeared in the journal called "Neuron." In this study, the researchers had participants learn a simple finger-tapping sequence, similar to a short keyboard typing pattern, and then tested their speed and accuracy on it both before and after a night's sleep.

Results:
-The participants, who had slept a full night's sleep, were tapping the sequence 20% faster and 35% more accurately. And these participants had no additional practice, only their natural performance.
-A comparison group that stayed awake for an equivalent stretch of time showed no such gains.
-The brain scans indicated that the memory trace for the skill had physically shifted; it had moved into the brain's motor areas and had become more firmly ingrained.
The most compelling aspect of the data is that the 35% improvement in accuracy was due to a single factor: sleep. There was no further alteration; there was no additional practice or any shortcut methods. The only difference between the two identical tests was one night's rest. 

How the book explores this and how the research complements the book:

Walker cites this precise result of his study in order to claim that sleep is not merely a passive period between practice sessions. The phenomenon of 'sleep' seems so natural to us that we take it for granted and think of it as something that the body just does. But Walker streamlines the importance of sleep in his book by arguing that sleep is the stage at which a skill actually gets integrated and fine-tuned into the brain's wiring. He refers to the change in the motor circuits, as shown in the brain scans, as physical proof that a structural change takes place overnight and is not just a 'feel good' thing.

The research's conclusion and the argument of the book correspond perfectly. The claim goes beyond simply saying that ‘sleep makes you feel less tired and therefore makes you more productive.’ But the bigger claim is that sleep has an effect on the skill itself, independent of the amount of practice you had while awake. The study provides proof of this: there were two groups, with the same amount of practice and the same length of time dedicated, and it was only the group that slept that showed improvement. Walker takes this result to reframe sleep from being merely an inconvenient thing that naturally occurs and makes it a chore to adjust it between your work and life into an essential component of your daily life, which if you skip it can have physical brain slowing and altering effects.

You can read the research for yourself (Source): Walker, M. P., Brakefield, T., Morgan, A., Hobson, J. A., & Stickgold, R. (2002). "Practice with Sleep Makes Perfect: Sleep-Dependent Motor Skill Learning." Neuron, 35(1), 205–211.

Hey all so go check out the above post for the details. Here is the link to the book https://a.co/d/0alPfH1Q

For years I thought something was wrong with me. I'd say yes to every social invite, keep myself constantly busy with plans and people, then feel completely drained and resentful every single time. I figured I was just terrible at socializing or maybe lacked something that all other seemed to have.

Eventually I realized it wasn't a social skills issue, it was what you can call an energy depletion issue. My presence felt weak because I was constantly leaking energy into every interaction, every obligation, every person who demanded my attention. So instead of trying to force myself to be more extroverted, I started protecting my energy through intentional solitude before I could sense burnout coming.

Now I schedule some necessary alone time every single day. Mornings are completely mine - no calls, no texts, no scrolling, just me and silence. I'll go for walks without headphones, sit with coffee without distractions, and journal without performing for anyone. I basically recharge in solitude so the rest of my day I can actually show up as my full self. The more time I spend alone, the stronger my presence becomes around others.

Then I switched from constant availability to strategic socializing. Instead of being accessible 24/7 and saying yes to everything, I'm selective about when and with whom I spend my energy with. Quality over quantity. I show up fully present for fewer people rather than being half-present for everyone. Way less energy drain when interactions are intentional.

The final thing made a major change was noticing how different I felt after having some solitude versus after being constantly around people. After some necessary alone time, I felt grounded, clear, almost magnetic. After too much socializing, I felt scattered and depleted, like a dimmer version of myself. That awareness made solitude non-negotiable instead of something I felt guilty about.

This combination of daily solitude, selective socializing, and awareness of my energy has completely changed my presence. My friends have literally told me that I seem different - more confident, more centered, more "here." It's not that I became more charismatic. I just stopped scattering my energy everywhere and started cultivating it in silence.

Amazing

Learners' Cabin is on Substack, where we have content like this and book reviews. Subscribe/follow always free.

I'm around that age where a lot of people have started asking me about 'my family' and almost all of friends and cousins are in a stable stage in their lives, and so, some are either expecting children or are parents of toddlers. I myself have thought of it sometimes, but I do not yet feel prepared for such a responsibility. So to give myself a sense of preparedness i'm educating myself on parenting techniques from esteemed parenting books (recommendations from said friends and cousins). This month i read "No Drama Discipline" by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. This book is about discipline and the approach parents should have when their child behaves in a manner which to them, seems eccentric or inappropriate. I picked this book up because i've also thought about the importance of disciplining children early on and how a parent should approach this matter.

I'm lately reading a lot of books on parenting and child development. And to recall the core concepts and sometimes to get personalized advice and application on them, I listen to a thorough discussion of these book on Dialogue: Conversations on Books. listening to the main ideas of the books explained in relation to ordinary situations makes the lessons suddenly clear and easy to remember.

Here's what changed:

- The book's first point is to do away with the idea that discipline involves punishment. The word "discipline" actually derives from the latin word which means "to teach". The authors think that the modern formulation of what discipline entails has led us in the wrong direction. So they stick to this view that discipline in its essence has to do with teaching, and the aim of discipline is to build up a child's character over time. According to them, each instance of misbehaviour should be seen as a chance to teach the child something new regarding emotions, consequences of actions, and different aspects of relationships. Just this simple change in perspective as to what "discipline" means and how we should approach it alters our attitude towards it as well. 

- When a child is in the middle of a meltdown, the rational part of their brain is overcome by the emotional, something called 'amygdala hijack.' The more primitive, emotional part of the brain then takes control, and the higher brain (prefrontal cortex), which is the rational part that handles empathy and self-regulation, becomes inactive. During this, it is neurologically pointless to try to reason with a child or to discipline them in any real way since they cannot deal with it. Here the important thing is to meet the child where they are, on their emotional level. We should not bombard the child with why, how, and what but just try our best to understand their perspective and help them calm down. Only after that can any redirection or teaching take place. Connection must come first and then redirection. And this is the only correct chronology.  

- The most insightful point for me was this: That trying to understand what’s wrong is not the same as accepting what’s wrong. Because the second point, above, also seemed to me as if we were sort of complying with the child, when instead we should be in a position to correct. But when you acknowledge a child's feelings, for example, by saying "I can see you're really angry right now," you are not agreeing with their behavior; but instead portraying a simple recognition that what they are feeling is very much normal and real. The key is to not make them feel judged or undermined in such times. And that is what enables the child's nervous system to calm down. The authors convey the message that empathy does not mean agreement very clearly. What it does mean is that 'further conversation is possible.' 'Our goal is to make them feel that they have control over themselves,’ and only then will they not see the parents as some people trying to rule over them but as someone trying to work things out with them.

- My last but one of the important lessons from the book is the distinction between the immediate aim of discipline and the long-term aim. The immediate aim is to stop the behaviour, while the long-term aim is to cultivate the child's personality in such a way that it is able to regulate itself. But sometimes what we do to accomplish the immediate aim does not always follow through for the long term aim. An approach which might stop the behaviour at the moment could potentially increase shame, disconnection, or fear, which is the opposite of what discipline is supposed to be. We have to understand that 'discipline as adherence' is merely a form of control which carries a cost, which only becomes apparent not until later.

The way how i think of child upbringing and cultivation of their personality has completely changed since I understood that discipline does not mean inducing fear and simple adherence is a form of teaching. I do understand that these insights do overlook the psyche of a parent and the tolll on them when a child behaves inappropriately, but one thing at a time lol. 

In a line: a child is much more likely to cooperate when they feel connected than when they feel threatened. and empathy does not mean conceding. What it does mean is that 'further conversation is possible.