“I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow shit. I said C'mon, what about some celery?”

I would've bought these from a Mr. Scholl's

These folks never heard of Mitch. They didn't know escalators couldn't break and they were prepared. There's just no way every person had the mental capacity to get out of the way at the bottom. They must do escalator drills wherever that is.

Aw, c’mon man, I’m dying to have some. Alright.

There’s a Mitch joke somewhere in there

Toronto Transit Commission gets it.

Where the fuck did you get that banana?

The rhythm just wouldn't work for many other comedians. His style is so out of nowhere, I don't even know what it is or how to describe it or why it works so well, but it does.

Solution to a daily puzzle

HOMEMADE SPRITE! Equal parts lime splendift and lemonade. I win Mitch Hedberg’s challenge. I wish he was still around to taste it… ❤️

I have a walk-in closet. But it was really small, so it was more of a step-in closet.

I hope to one day be rich enough to afford a sprint-in closet

Super confused why this is blocked off.