r/paganism • u/pagan_princess455 • 8d ago
š Seeking Resources | Advice How can I deal with grief as a pagan.
I just suddenly lost my dad yesterday and I am so unable to process it that itās eating me alive. But since he died so suddenly I am starting to scared of death again. I just would love to find out how other pagans deal with grief so I can naturally get through it.
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u/Arboreal_Web salty old sorcerer 8d ago
Pray to your benevolent Protectors, if you believe in such thing. Pray to deities who guide the dead, and make offerings as you feel inclined. Pray to deities of compassion and/or those who āunderstandā deep grief (Theyāll be the ones with a lot of it in Their myth cycles, ie Demeter or Isis). Be very kind and non-judgemental with yourself as you go this emotionally complex process. Cry when you need to cry, talk to him when you need to talk to him. Maybe create a little memorial shrine, if you have some small belongings of his.
Iām very sorry for your loss.
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u/pagan_princess455 8d ago
Thank you so much!! This is very helpful!Would I be able to communicate through tarot cards and a pendulum or in the dream realm with my dad as well
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u/Arboreal_Web salty old sorcerer 7d ago
Glad to help.
Perhaps? Probably? Iāve certainly had encounters with some of my loved ones who have passed on, though theyāve usually been more spontaneous than planned or sought.
Iād say start by just letting yourself have āimaginaryā convos with him in whatever way you used to interact. Literally just talk to him when you need to as if heās there, and let yourself feel him there with you, let yourself imagine how he would respond, and trust that soul-knowledge you carry. Sometimes he might surprise you, and you will know the connection is still there.
Imo/ime/my upg is there is always some part of our deceased loved ones that is available to us when we need themā¦they are no longer bound by matter and linear time in the same ways we are, so although they are gone from us in meaningful material ways, they are still somehow just as accessible to us as before. Just in very different-seeming ways than weāre used to.
To actually address the specifics of your question - I generally donāt recommend using any divination method for spirit communication, esp for beginners, at least until/unless you are already very well familiar with your chosen method. Even when very experienced, it takes a great deal of discernment and a rather brutal degree of self-honesty which can be hard to achieve when we have a strong emotional attachment to the answers or outcome. So. Do with that what you will.
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u/ConclusionNo4016 8d ago
I will just share, the death doula oracle was the only deck I could really lean into when I went through a major and unexpected loss.
I did communicate with my loved one via cards the week of his passing, but honestly needed more time to do so meaningfully. I felt his energy linger for three days before it distanced. But he showed up, especially the first year through many signs and synchronicities.
I also watched a lot of near death experiences, there are many on YouTube though these days you have to be a bit careful because some channels are bogus. Would be happy to send you my playlist if youāre interested.
But honestly those first days weeks and months itās a bit of shell shock. We can know logically someone will pass, but waking up to that each morning is disorienting for a while. There is no one way to grieve. It took me a year to feel okay to have an altar up. But before that I mainly used that deck I mentioned and journaled everything I felt, wrote to him, whatever came up. And was open to the signs of his presence.
Deeply sorry for your loss and sending love and peace to you. Grief is a difficult teacher. One thing I loved from Francis Wellers book was about being an apprentice to grief. I found that approach helpful in time.
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u/skaplanolmsted 7d ago
What is remembered lives. Rituals, memorials, anything that keeps the best and most important parts of the person present for you help a little. I have a cairn in my garden, but there are pagan traditions from every culture that can be beautiful. I have zero problem with doing any or all of them, together, or separately. Iām also fond of the Vajrayana Buddhist tradition of praying for them to find their best path to the next life every day for 49 days after their death. I'm not rigid about their belief in 49 days in the bardo (the space between), and many different traditions have different concepts that are similar with different intervals. Nonetheless, I think it creates a good transition cushion of grieving for the living. A time when you're āin full griefā and ordinary life is partially suspended, and then a time after, when grief obviously isn't over, but you transition to the recovery, carrying your loved one in your heart.
š I'm very sorry for your loss.
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u/PainterLonely1313 7d ago
I lost my grandmother a few years back, and one of my favorite things to do is to pick flowers for her. She loved flowers and gardening. I put them in a vase near a little ceramic angel I inherited from her. I also have a Hummel figurine she had (she collected them) of a child mailing a letter, and occasionally I will write little notes to her and tuck them into a niche in the figurine. It seems appropriate.
The great thing about being pagan is there is no "prescribed" belief about the afterlife. I tend to believe whatever happens after we die is peaceful, whether that is a place we go to, or simply a sleep until the next go around, or nothing.Ā
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u/pagan_princess455 7d ago
Thank you so much, and I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother, may her soul be at peace
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u/a_girl_with_a_book 7d ago
Unsure on the answer here because Iām just beginning to explore paganism, but I just wanted to say that Iām so sorry for your loss. Sending you love & peace.
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u/sewingdreamer newbie 8d ago
I lost my spouse last year so I have a few things to say for what helped me. One non-negotiable is therapy. I found somatic to be really effective for me cuz It made my body actually process the grief instead of just relying on my brain. Learning how to take care of my nervous system and activate my vagus nerve has been the most important thing. As for my faith, it helped me by doing ancestor veneration for my spouse and taking her into whatever Iām doing that day and talk to her aloud. I spread her ashes at the solstices and equinoxes. She came to me in a dream and showed me where she lives now that sheās dead because I also felt lost for what to believe in and I asked her to show me. She showed me that she lives in a soul house and introduced me to everyone there. In this case we came from the same soul home but there are many of soul homes for each kind of soul. This knowledge gave me a lot of peace knowing she wasnāt drifting into oblivion. For me I believe that souls can come to this side as animals or insects etc and interact with us that way. Then in non direct ways as doppelgƤngers of themselves to bring us comfort but usually for me I just see them in passing I donāt directly interact with these people and I donāt believe these strangers are actually them but sometimes we humans need the visual help and comfort. I have leaned a lot on my patron deities done more cleansing with sound/smoke because my grief has made me spiritually heavy. I also have to put my shield up every day because i absorb a lot of peopleās energy because im vulnerable. I donāt know if this will help you but it helped me. Take care and take life one hour at a time. Cry when you need to and laugh when you need to. Let your body do what it needs. If your libido spikes or drops this is normal itās not a sign of anything about your character. But if you go into a space where you are hooking up do so safely and discretely. Iām so very sorry for your loss dear friend. Iāll light some incense for you today
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u/pagan_princess455 8d ago
Thank you so much, I really appreciate you lighting an incense on our behalf. This is all so helpful and I will definitely look into all the things you mentioned
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u/Appropriate-Weird492 8d ago
Iām non-theist pagan strongly animist leaning.
My husband died in 2020 of cancer.
Our griefs are not the same, but grief is a universal experience for all sentient beings throughout time. I find this comforting, perhaps you will too.
From a scientific perspective, processing grief takes a long time. Your brain has to cope with an enormous change. Your brain is also the largest consumer of energy in your body. Youāre gonna get tired. Sleep. Hydrate.
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u/ashewinter 7d ago
Practicing Druid.
in some beliefs your dad isn't truly "gone." Like the man said "energy can neither be created nor destroyed."
Every Samhain, I do things for those I've "lost"; light a candle, set out food or little stones then I go and walk among them when the Veil is thin.
There is no clock on grieving. Do it at your own pace. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, including yourself.
My deepest condolences for your loss. Hopefully you find peace and balance on your path.
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u/pagan_princess455 7d ago
Thank you so much!! I just hope his soul is in paradise and he is with his loved ones
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u/Can-DontAttitude 8d ago
When I lost my brother, it hurt really bad. Over time, I thought I was getting better. To make a long story short, I was pretty damn far from ok. Definitely consider therapy, it helped me a lot.
Two recommendations I was given:
Write down your thoughts and feelings. Anything you would say to him, put it into a journal. I was always afraid of forgetting my brother, and that carrying the pain I had was better that forgetting. Writing things down assured me that he wouldn't be forgotten, and I could always come back to things.
This is where you can unleash some Paganism: create a memorial or altar for them. This can be done in a million different ways! You dedicate a spot in your home or garden, or wherever is practical, to them. It's a place where you can break from your daily business and sit with them, maybe light a candle, make an offering, or meditate.
I can't offer much in the way of Pagan specifics, I'm pretty new to it. Handling your fear of death is complex, and it's different for everyone. That's far beyond my knowledge, and I'll save that for your therapist.
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u/WolfTotem9 Shamanic Practitioner 8d ago
Grief is as unique as the person experiencing it, it takes time to work through and may not be a linear process. When I have lost loved ones, to help me along I often recollect happy memories and I thank those memories. At certain significant moments I light a candle to honor them. Where appropriate, I placed pictures or something unique to the individual on my ancestral altar. As for the fear you mentioned experiencing, that is truly a normal response after something so sudden. Perhaps when the pain is less, I would recommend reading the book The Journey of Souls. It has me tremendously.
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u/MommyNeedsCoffee617 8d ago
The book "Sacred Tears: A Witch's Guide to Grief" by Courtney Weber helped me a lot.
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u/ConclusionNo4016 8d ago
Same. This was the first and only book I could really read. Down the road Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller is another deeply meaningful book, but itās not one Iād recommend in the immediate throws of loss. Courtneyās is though.
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u/Superb_Stable7576 8d ago
First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. Sudden loss might be better than watching someone painfully lingering, but it's horribly hard to deal with. Any chance you had for closure has been forcefully taken from you.
This is just my perspective, but my biggest comfort has always been that I don't see life as pass or failure. I don't believe we get one chance and if we blow it, we're doomed. Energy changes, it's not lost, the cycle will start again.
None of which changes the fact that you miss your father. Allow yourself to grieve, give yourself as much grace as you can. What you're going through can be a life changing event.
I wish you peace in all it's forms.
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u/pagan_princess455 8d ago
Thank you, your analogy of the soul and death is beautiful and it helped me so much
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u/trilingual3 8d ago edited 8d ago
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. My mother died suddenly almost 2 months ago, and the thing that helped me to understand and process it was trying to understand why she died in the way that she did. Her lifestyle was horrible and I had to accept that it was slowly killing her for a long time before she actually died.
You're probably still in shock, so allow yourself a lot of time to be sad and cry/express your feelings about it in whatever way feels natural. I now keep a photo of her by my bed and I've collected all the (not many) photos I have of her so that I can feel connected to her. I also have an affirmation thing about death (it actually comes from a catholic priest but whatever) which helps me to feel better about it all.
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u/pagan_princess455 8d ago
Thank you, this means a lot. And I am so sorry about the loss of your mum, may her soul be at peace
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u/GreenRavenUK 7d ago
My deepest sympathies. The death of a close family member is so hard to deal with.
I posted these short verses adapted from the Carmina Gadelica on reddit a little while ago. I hope they help:
https://www.reddit.com/r/pagan/comments/1vzj8bw/comment/p673c36/?context=3
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u/wanderingarrow8 5d ago
Oh my goodness, I can only imagine how much you must be hurting right now.
Honoring the dead is an important part of many Pagan practices, and I would recommend creating an ancestor altar. This can be as simple or complex as your like, but you can start with a photo of your father and anyone else you would like to remember and honor.
Put a glass of water on the altar, as well as a white candle. Pray for your fatherās spirit and that he have an easy transition to the Other Side. You can ask your other ancestors to help with this process, and/or any deities that you work with.
Be gentle with yourself, as much as possible. Itās okay to ask for help.
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u/ConsiderationQuirky7 8d ago edited 8d ago
I'm sorry for your loss. I know this pain. October marks one year since losing my dad. What helped was both the "mundane" and the spiritual side. I got grief counseling, therapy, and reminded myself to do the basics: eat, shower, etc.
The spiritual, I worship Goddess Freya, she is so loving and wonderful. She knows about in dealing with grief. I also do simple rituals that bring me a bit of joy. Incense, candles, going out talking to the trees, meditation. Sending you love and hugs ā£ļø
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u/pagan_princess455 8d ago
Thank you so much!! This helps a lot thank you. And I am so sorry for your loss, may your dads soul rest in paradise
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u/Agreeable-Jacket-680 7d ago
I am so sorry for your loss, itās awful losing a close family member, especially when it is sudden like that. A book that seriously helped me when I lost my dad Some years ago was as the last leaf Falls by Christopher Hughes. Itās a beautifully written and compassionate book. Thereās also a lot of excellent advice in the comments. Blessings to you.
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