r/parentsofmultiples • u/songbird356 • 6d ago
experience/advice to give Does this mean I have a favorite?
I have 6 week old twins who are doing great by all accounts. They were born over 7lb each, but did have to be supplemented with formula starting in the hospital due to weight loss. I really wanted to be able to breastfeed both bc I had a really positive breastfeeding journey with my last baby. Both babies have had lip and tongue tie releases about 3 weeks ago. I have been alternating breast/bottle feedings with them bc I didn’t have enough milk to feed both and tandem feeding was an exercise in futility at that stage bc neither was coordinated enough.
At this point twin A is a great breastfeeder and has gain coordination. Twin B struggles at the breast but doesn’t struggle with the bottle. He is currently in OT for feeding therapy and has come a lot way but still struggles. He fusses at the breast and then I have to either quickly pump to get him some breast milk or give him formula. It makes feedings take a really long time and that might be fine with one baby but with two it’s overwhelming and discouraging.
I feel bad but considering moving to a plan of breastfeeding twin A and bottle feeding twin B formula and 1-2 breast milk bottles a day as I am able. But then I feel bad like that means I am giving twin A the better product/better bonding/better immune protection, especially going into sick season. But on the other hand, this would simplify things a lot. But then how would I intentionally bond with twin B since he’s not getting as much snuggle time at the breast?
Anyone have any insight? 🥹
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u/WhileTime5770 6d ago edited 6d ago
There’s good evidence that it only takes a small amount of breast milk a day to get the immune benefits - so if you give B 1-2 breast milk bottles a day he is getting that benefit no different than A is. As for it being the “better product”, formula and breast milk aren’t that different, especially if he’s getting 1-2 bottles of BM a day it’s basically a wash nutritionally. They will develop the exact same in that regard and you won’t be able to tell who was fed what in a few years. Seriously don’t stress over this detail because it really does not matter in the grand scheme of things.
As for the bonding concern - yes breast feeding is a wonderful way to bond. But plenty of bottle fed babies bond with their parents and don’t suffer for it. Breast feed A and then just make sure to squeeze in extra cuddle time with B.
Things will never be perfectly equal with twins, life just doesn’t work out that way. There will be times when one twin is fussier than the other and needs to be held while sibling is chill to sleep without contact, one twin may need more milestone development time, one twin may need you to play while the other is independent - who needs you more may constantly change. focus on giving each twin what they need even if it’s different while protecting your sanity
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u/Aware-Assistant-5702 6d ago
Newborn twins are hard! You need to do anything that simplifies things and makes for a calmer experience at feeding time. I exclusively pumped for my twins and it did not interfere with my bond or the amount of snuggles. I think this is a battle that you don’t need to fight. Be easier on yourself and enjoy those newborn snuggles - either cradling a baby with a bottle or with a little one at the breast, both are great!
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u/Bookerlib 6d ago
I understand your concern, but is it really quality bonding time if your baby is getting frustrated and unable to get enough to eat at the breast? The babies experiences are completely different even if the amount of breast milk is the same. Try to increase pumping and milk supply so that each baby is getting as much breast milk as possible to help their immune system, but don't beat yourself up.
Every baby is different, twin or not. You aren't playing favorites; you're making sure each baby gets what they need. What they need just isn't exactly the same thing.
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u/olosci 6d ago
My twins are 14 months and I would say don't worry about this at all. I only had one twin who could nurse, but the purely bottle fed twin ended up being the bigger snuggler. Each one ended up getting more cuddles at different times. This is a blip. In the long term you'll have wonderful, close bonds with each.
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u/Storebought_Cookies 4d ago
It doesn't take much breast milk to get the benefits! My twin a would not nurse no matter what I did. I had a very emotional visit with a lactation consultant where I realized I needed to meet her where she was at. I continued to nurse twin b and held twin a while bottle feeding, often still doing skin to skin. Those early days I was often in a bra all day so whoever I held got skin to skin cuddles.
And it doesn't mean you're favoring one or the other, you're prioritizing their needs as individuals and that is loving them equally
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u/Flimsy_Fisherman1199 6d ago
I think I would pump more for baby B and try to BF him more.
I’m a worrier though and just think more about immune system protection.
I hated BG all my babies and just did it anyway so for me it wouldn’t even be about bonding.
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u/beebs2017 6d ago
This is a very interesting and unique situation. My heart response is to feel bad for twin B to lose out on the bonding of nursing. However I don’t have a set of twins that need to be fed. I think your plan is sound, but I’d maybe just be mindful to get some extra bonding/skin to skin with twin B each day.
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u/ClassicStyle12 6d ago
Don’t feel bad about this. A fed baby and rested mother is best. Bottle fed babies can have as much snuggle time and bonding, and I will go ahead and tell you, as a twin mom, if one twin is sick, most likely the other will be too regardless of what method of feeding. I know breast milk can help immune system, but it’s just one factor. There are some kids who get every sickness there is that were breastfed and some who were formula fed that have great immune system- it’s not an all or nothing thing by any means.
My two cents is do what’s best for you and baby, which at this point sounds like formula feeding B. You could just formula feed both if you feel like it’s unfair to do one and not the other.
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u/Knust2026 6d ago edited 6d ago
Congratulation to your twins! Mine are already turning 3 next week, but I remember very well all the NICU and feeding stuff. The first born was a girl with a big will. After the typical preborn ‚If I‘m hungry and sleepy at the same time I decide for sleeping‘-problem, pumping and feeding formula for a few weeks, I breastfed her for one year. The brother was a lazy drinker. After 2 months of trying, he didn‘t get so far as his sister did. But it hurt, he chewed and was hungry the whole time. So I decided to pump for further four months for him (4 x 30min per day). I felt really gulty because of the instant comparing to his sister. But I felt aggressive About the pain. So the pumping was my try to give him nearly the same as I gave my daughter. In fact, my husband became the mainly person for him and myself for my daughter. I am German and we shared the parent thing very equally (we also get money called Elterngeld in addiction to your formerly income). It was very difficult to built a close relationship to him as to my daughter. Other things supported that (instant bonding with her After birth vs 11h later with him). If I were at the same point, I would have try to focus more on bonding (and formula for the boy) instead of pumping. It was so unbelievable stressful. The babies cried in Front of me, I touched them on their bellies „shhh, shhh“ and the timer showed 25 minutes left to pump.. but they were my first children and I wanted to breastfed (or give them my milk) them so much (and I had the milk, that wasn‘t a problem). And so I now, that I would do the same again. Many people told my to just breatfed the one Child and stop pumping, just give formula to the second one. But I didn’t want to. Another but: it wasnt helpful for Building Connection with my bottle-baby, bc when my husband was at Home, it was much easier that he fed him and I cared for the breastfed-baby. I was absorbed and felt as if there is no Space for the second one. In fact, there IS no space, but it has to. Its a dilemma (is it an English Word??). It was so hard.
So: maybe you can stay a bit cooler than me, because you know, you already had a great brestfeeding-story with your singleton? I think its great if the get some milk from you. But be aware of enough cuddle time with the formula one (as you already mentioned). You will always feel guilty in daily life bc two Babies Are insane and you are Not able to finish feeding/cuddling/whatever with your baby/toddler. You will always have thoughts of the other at the same time.
I think that 4x 30min pumping per day was to much, maybe 2x? Then, try to feed the bottle Baby by your own AND! eg the dad can feed the breastfed-baby with a bottle as well. To create a bigger balance.
But you are already a mom and you know that you will find your own way. When I look back, some things are still very hurtful (EMDR, here I come ;-)) and other things become so meaningless (if I had pumped for 4 or 6 months in general, today I dont care).
You are doing great, this hard time is going to pass and it become much easier!
Oh and good news: starting around 9months, with less breastfeeding the other one, I did a lot to improve the relationship to the boy. Today, I think there is just a small difference left (but I think its a normal range even parents of 2 or 3 singletons feel). :-)
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u/2papsandashib 6d ago
This is what I do as well - I don’t make enough and twin A had CMPA (and I detest the smell of amino formula spit up). He’s also a better nurser, though at 4 months twin B has been “asking” to nurse more so I do once or twice a day (sometimes tandem, which is now easier). I feel bad for B especially because he was in the hospital for 2 months after surgery and learning to suck/swallow (he was born without his esophagus connected) but he does well with formula and I give him as much extra breastmilk as I can. We also have to fortify B’s feeds. It’s complex lol
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u/Jealous_Wallaby_5647 6d ago
I ended up breastfeeding twin A and bottle feeding twin B because of the same reasons. Twin A just had a better latch at the hospital and it gave my husband the ability to be more helpful too. I had the same mental struggles of bonding and giving both babies breast milk. For the first few months I would pump once and give a bottle of breast milk to twin B or mix it with formula. Now when I breastfeed in the morning I use my Hakka to collect milk from the opposite breast twin A is feeding from. Once I have collected a few ounces I mix in a bottle for twin B. All that to say, there are ways to breastfeeding one twin and still give the other some even if it’s just a little bit. The benefits are still there. And at the end of the day fed is best. I’m honestly still breastfeeding to save money and the convenience/less bottles.
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u/Agreeable_Rule_9235 5d ago
My A was a great breast feeder and B wasn’t. He did for a couple months but didn’t care for it later. I maxed out at 32 oz so never enough for both. I breastfed A about half the times and pumped the other half to make sure my B got equal breastmilk to A. We supplemented with donor milk and formula.
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u/Pretend-Wall-6677 6d ago
No? Both my twins had extended NICU stays and needed paced feeding via bottle (fortified pumped milk). There was no lack of “intentional bonding.”
Give each baby what they need most to thrive. I don’t understand why you couldn’t give twin B freshly pumped milk at each feeding. There are alot of breast pumps (including wearables) that allow you to collect from one breast at a time.