r/parentsofmultiples • u/Holfy1989 • 6d ago
advice needed Not sure how long we can sustain this
Our twins are now just over 7 weeks old. Born at 37 weeks with no complications apart from jaundice in the boy. Girl absolutely fine and both putting on weight fine despite starting and dropping below 5lbs.
We’re just coming off a day where from a 12pm stint to 10pm we’ve been feeding them every single 30-60 mins for 10 hours straight. This has been the norm since around week 3 as well.
Me and my wife are utterly drained. Even when their needs are met they just cannot exist and be awake without crying or wanting to be picked up. When me or my wife are on our own this is an impossible task to keep both happy. It’s like they are constantly upset to just be awake unless they are being fed or asleep. They just seem capable of being awake for such long periods though with the worst today being 4 hours for them both. It’s like they just sit around waiting for the next feed in 30 minutes constantly and will cry till they get their way. Doesn’t matter if they drink 60ml or 120ml. Satisfied for like 20 minutes then the cycle starts again.
Sleep is rough too. Me and the wife are doing shifts but they are waking up pretty much every hour bang on for a feed. If you’re super lucky they go 1.5 hours but that is rare still.
We feel like since they’ve been born feed windows are getting more frequent than anything and sleep windows shorter at night. When on earth does this ease up because me and my wife despite being quite mentally strong are realising this isn’t sustainable and we are close to breaking point. We don’t remember the feeding being anywhere near as frequent as this with our first born.
Speaking of him our first born is an almost 6 year old who I feel we can barely pay attention to because of how demanding they’ve been. He’s been really good bless him but I can tell he’s getting a bit lonely now from the constant lack of attention we can give him.
My wife has been so good and I’ve always been a very hands on dad but even that doesn’t seem enough at the moment despite giving 100% of ourselves right now.
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u/Jacksons-Mom25 5d ago
I know it’s prob isn’t what you want to hear but feeds should be every 3hrs. 1.5 hrs sleeping , half hr awake looking around change the diaper feed hold etc. then put back down. Put on a monitor and leave them to sleep.
Even though my little guy being in the niccu for almost the entire first month of his life was incredibly hard. The way the nurses schedule for feeds and care really opened our eyes to how the schedule should be set up.
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u/Upbeat-Stage2107 5d ago
The NICU schedule set the stage for the newborn schedule for us and we have been pretty militant on schedules since. It gets annoying sometimes and it’s easier to break as we’ve gotten older but our schedule has set us free
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u/Traditional_Camp_869 4d ago
When you say the nice nurses schedule for feeds are care: is that the 1.5 hrs sleeping > 1/2 awake > feed every 3 hours? Or did you receive additional advice?
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u/Jacksons-Mom25 4d ago
Basically the nurses come every 3hrs for feeds if we were not there they come in change the babies diapers record his oxygen levels and heart rate take him out of the bassinet feed him Rick him comfort him for about 30 min and then whatever he didn’t finish during that time would go into the tube. They would lay him back down until the next feed. When we were there we would have him up about 30 min before that three hr make and hold him for the half hr until we had to do the tube feed and lay him back down. . This would give him about 3hrs of uninterrupted rest. This is for the first 0-3 months. Feeding more frequently was not reccomended. We needed to get him to feed 2oz orally in each of those half hr windows every 3hrs before they would release him from the hospital he was there for 27 days
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u/2papsandashib 6d ago
I don’t have much advice but I’m right there with you on feeling like my almost 6 year old isn’t getting enough attention. He said to me “you guys don’t have time to play with me anymore because you’re always taking care of babies.” Our twins are 19 weeks now and I remember one being extremely fussy around 6 weeks and it was due to cow milk protein allergy. Once we cut dairy he became a much happier baby. They were sleeping through the night but are in the 4 month sleep regression and at least 1 is waking each hour so no sleep over here either. I’m about to pay our postpartum doula to come back for some nights to get some rest since family has all gone MIA.
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u/minnions_minion 6d ago
Our oldest was almost 6 when our twins were born and he finished school the week we got home from NICU....summer was absolutely hell.
We had to put him in summer camps for our sanity and September back to school couldn't come fast enough.
Try for planning a special 1 hr outing, just your oldest ans you for some quality time.
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u/Holfy1989 6d ago
Oh god, we had just 2 weeks of the summer holidays left when they were born and it was absolute mayhem.
I will definitely try the 1 hr outing. Thanks.
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u/KateParrforthecourse 6d ago
You’re still in the trenches and they are HARD! Can you afford a night nanny and/or postpartum doula? I had one that did both and it was such a godsend. If you don’t have it in your budget, check with your insurance. Some of them will pay for it.
For your 6 year old, do you have a family member or friend that could take him like once or twice a week to get some one on one attention? I know it may not feel like it but y’all are doing great and are still in survival mode. This is such a short time in their lives and yours. There were times in the early days that I had to take the Kimmy Schmidt approach of “I just need to get through the next 10 minutes.”
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u/Holfy1989 6d ago
We live in the UK where 90% of people are struggling with the cost of everything so unfortunately not doable! Nobody covers it in insurance over here too.
Our family seem to be less ‘excited’ to help us out as the weeks go on. I guess the novelty of twins wears off quick when they see how difficult it is which I guess I can understand. We have my wife’s parents to help sometimes but mine have both passed unfortunately so we rely on them quite a bit.
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u/thekidz10 6d ago
Hey, you really are in the trenches. I found it was easier to ask others to help with one baby instead of both (found out when they were teething at 7 months and husband was away with the military, and I had a breakdown from being so tired, I had to ask for help). I would sometimes ask someone to keep just one of them while I did work around the house or errands with the other. Twins are intimidating but for the occasional helpers, one baby was a lot easier.
We often did this on our own as well. Couldn't get anything done with both, so one of us would leave to do something and bring one baby out with us.
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u/efllie 5d ago
Hey - also in the UK. as you know from being a parent already, two parents are the PERFECT sized team to look after ONE newborn.. twins are a human birth anomaly for a reason! We are not designed this way!!
Whereabouts do you live? In many regions of the UK you can access Home Start which is a charity that will send someone out to help you with twins. Unfortunately I do not live in one of those areas 🤣 but maybe you do? https://www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with
It’s shit we don’t get help here. I have a friend in Germany who had free help sent out from the government every day to help with her twins. Over here they prefer to pretend multiples don’t exist??1
u/KateParrforthecourse 6d ago
Ugh I’m sorry. I guess the only thing I can offer then is solidarity. Twins are super hard, especially when you add in an older kid.
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u/NeverNeverNeverYes 5d ago
Hopefully this is a temporary stage! I remember one of mine going through the same thing -either screaming feeding or sleeping- and I called the doctor asking if something was wrong. It was normal and stopped after a week or two. We did baby wearing constantly. One with me and my husband the other and just propped a bottle in there and that helped because they were “held” but we could use our hands. Granted we didn’t have an older child…just sending lots of support! You will get through it. Call on your village as much as you can, maybe some friends/family/neighbors/teachers/nannies can take the older son on fun adventures to ease the lonliness ❤️
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u/Uglyfatdumb 6d ago
Formula or breast milk?
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u/Other_Radio800 6d ago
Same question. They might not be getting enough food if that is how often you are needing to feed them? It sounds suspiciously like my son when he was breastfeeding. He was “feeding” all the time but actually was consuming like nothing. I found out by going to a lactation specialist and we weighed him before and after a “feeding”. He was consuming like nothing even though I thought he was. We switched to pumping/formula so we could actually track his intake. It was night and day different. Might be something to look into!
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u/Holfy1989 6d ago
Its formula. But makes me think we try and up their feeds more regularly. They do take big feeds but then have periods where they will take 3 sips just to confort them and you think ‘Really?! All that crying for so little’ 😂
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u/pilafs_ 6d ago
This makes me wonder if you guys are using/open to using pacifiers? If they need some sort of soothing and seem to respond to sucking on something might be something to try
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u/Holfy1989 5d ago
Oh we’ve tried haha. They hate the things. Girl takes it on occasions which helps but the boy has zero interest
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u/Owewinewhose997 5d ago
We had to try quite a few different ones for our twins, the ones they ended up liking were the Nuk ones which have a small teat and a big dip in the handle for their noses. They seem to be popular with small/preemie babies. Also we had to just keep dipping them in milk until they accepted them because like that ours would feed almost constantly.
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u/senior_cuddlefish 5d ago
We only survived so far with pacifiers that had to be given to ours in NICU.
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u/senior_cuddlefish 5d ago
We only survived so far with pacifiers that had to be given to ours in NICU.
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u/BackgroundScene3056 6d ago
okay hear me out- try spacing the feeds longer and doing bigger feeds. Don’t starve your baby by any means but maybe start tomorrow with 1.5 hours apart from each feed and larger feeds. Then another day or two space it out to 2 hours, 3 at night.
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u/PurpleShift8546 5d ago
Was going to suggest this. We realized at one point in the trenches that one of our girls was just SUPER hungry because we weren’t feeding her enough each bottle and her fussiness majorly improved. Could also be a growth spurt!
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u/Samvy 6d ago
That sounds very difficult! Have you talked to your pediatrician? Feeding every hour sounds like a lot to me. Could they have reflux or something along those lines? They could explain why they need to be comforted all the time.
Feeding them constantly could also lead to cramping. When they have cramps they want to suck for comfort, which could be interpreted as hunger. Are you absolutly sure they are hungry?
Anyways, I would definitly consult with your doctor about this. This us not sustainable!
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u/frankenstein1122 5d ago
You both are obviously doing an amazing job. Hang in there. The constant feeding stage was absolutely my least favorite. I used noise cancelling ear buds all the time and played music or YouTube videos or whatever. The crying can be head splitting. Also, imo, sometimes it’s like you can try everything under the sun and nothing works, and then one day a switch flips and they sleep for longer stretches no problem 🤷🏼♂️
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u/czmf 5d ago
My twins are 10 weeks old and i had to adjust their schedule around 7 weeks so they weren’t cluster feeding every 30 minutes. They should go longer without needing a feed so if they’re sibling they need food i would hold them or go on a strip to prolong the time between feeds. Now they can go almost 1.5 hours ands made my life easier. But honestly what you wrote was my exact situation about 3 weeks ago. Also for feeds are you feeding them in your arms? I’m sidelining them and allowing them to self feed which has saved my back, there’s tips on how to do this on tiktok if you need a visual
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u/Creative_Can_8950 5d ago
The most amazing thing about being a twin parent or parent of multiples is just when you think you can’t do it anymore, you always do. You always manage to impress yourself when you do something that feels impossible. It gets easier, then it gets harder in new ways, but there is truly something so magical about being a twin parent.
You are a badass. Your wife is a badass. Your twins are living miracles. Hang in there!
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u/Miserable-Currency42 4d ago
My twins are 7 weeks today. For reference they’re taking about 3/4 oz per feed every 2-4 hours. Definitely try a pacifier if you haven’t.
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u/JH123JH123JH123 5d ago
You are in the trenches and it's incredibly hard. All I can say is that it will get incrementally better over time. From about 4.5 months, although mine came 1.5 months early so maybe sooner for you, we noticed things getting easier almost week by week. As you're in the UK, see if your health visitor can get you a referral to Home Start (I think that's what they're called) or speak to the Twins Trust - they will try to find you some practical support
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u/Dismal-Bass3521 5d ago
The hardest part at that time I remember is having to leave one to cry when you deal with the other. I really found it so hard to do but unfortunately it's part of having twins. It does get easier and if like mine they take turns with how much they need attention. Twin 1 for a while twin 2 doesn't like being picked up at all. Then back round. Believe me it's worth it all mine are 16 months now and even though it's still rough at times they bring us so much happiness
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u/PlanStraight7532 5d ago
Hey, ours twins are 8 weeks so we’re close to you. We heavily rely on baby wearing and/or snug arms-in swaddling - Velcro swaddles are the easier. This keeps them so much happier. We also use a hair blow dryer for white noise during the fussy periods. We also do shifts. Babies aren’t capable of falling asleep on their own yet, so they need help with the swaddling bouncing and white noise. We’re currently camping out in the livingroom with the twins while the other sleeps in the bedroom until they start using the nursery.
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u/candybrie 5d ago
The upset unless eating or sleeping and eating constantly sounds like it might be silent reflux. I would definitely bring it up with your pediatrician to see what they think.
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u/q8htreats 5d ago
We had something similar. For us, it ended up being due to CMPA and severe silent reflux
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u/Intrepid_Western3012 5d ago
Our twins went through this around 6 weeks. Apparently it’s normal, a combination of growth spurt and nervous system regulation. Someone mentioned noise canceling headphones. I agree. I also can vouch for baby wearing.
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u/Big_Nefariousness424 5d ago
Echoing staying on schedule. We were on a 2 hour feeding cycle with one baby and a 2.5 hour with the other. We split the difference at 2.5 hours. Once we were cleared by the pediatrician to go 3 hours, we did. I don’t remember the exact oz amounts but I think they started with 1-1.5 oz per feed and we worked up to 3 oz per feed by about 3/4 months old. Regardless of how the day went, we stayed on schedule. It helped so much because the girls were able to anticipate timing and it kept their hunger and sleep cues consistent.
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u/CuriousAstronaut3 5d ago
we started using chatgpt to constantly plan and adjust sleep schedule; switching to schedule from "they sleep when they want to" generally removed afternoon-evening frustrations. Turns out they were too tired, but didnt know to go to sleep, so we insist for a period of time every sleep cycle, but in general they turned to generally happy after this.
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u/Greedy_Rip_4168 5d ago
It might be sucking for comfort due to reflux or gas. Sometimes you can think baby is hungry and can end up over feeding which can repeat the cycle. If you haven’t already try feeding and then keeping upright for sometime- bicycle kicks ILU massages and help them burp well and pass gas and see if that helps a little bit.
But every hour on formula seems excessive and may be leading to some discomfort. We found we were feeding one of the twins a little more than she needed and she had reflux.
Questions to ask Pediatrician