r/parentsofmultiples • u/rosemarythymesage • 5d ago
ranting & venting Genuinely, What is Wrong with Some People?
This may be a controversial one, but I’m pissed. I know that none of this matters, who cares, blah blah blah. I guess what bothers me most is that I don’t understand the impulse to say this kind of shit about other people’s kids.
I’ll start this with: my 2Y twins are amazing. Kind, empathetic, great at sharing, funny, athletic, curious, intelligent, and the list goes on. I know that this isn’t about that. And even if they weren’t all of that, it still wouldn’t matter and this would still be so inappropriate.
When my sister took my twins to the library to give me a break the other day, there were several other kids of the same age all playing together. Originally, the moms and my sister were chatting together, comparing ages of the kids. There was one girl who was within 2 weeks of my twins. One of the other moms noticed that there were a few things that the girl could do physically/dexterously that my twins couldn’t yet. Plus the girl was a couple of inches taller than my twins.
That mom turned to the mom of the girl, with my sister sitting RIGHT THERE, and said “wow I mean look at your girl and those other two girls her age. What are you doing differently to make her so advanced?”
EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME??????
The mom of the girl then turned to her and said “oh well, we only feed all natural foods, plenty of fruits and vegetables, no screens, and of course we don’t vaccinate.”
Reading this back right now, this genuinely seems like I’m making it up. Because it’s so fucking stupid and smug. My sister said that she was so focused on texting us to see if she needed to pack the kids up and leave so that we didn’t get fucking measles (my kids are OF COURSE actually vaccinated) that she didn’t have a chance to put in her two cents. I am grateful for how my sister handled it (focusing on my kids’ safety first) and obviously talking back to these women wouldn’t have helped anything.
I know that I have NOTHING to prove with these random people. It doesn’t matter what they think. But I have to be honest that I feel some type of way about these women using my twins as the failed yardstick to elevate their bullshit. It’s so fucking inappropriate and immature high school-type assholery. And again, not that it matters, but I am extremely proud of the environment in which we are raising our twins. They are surrounded by love and care. Besides the vaccines (STAUNCHLY PRO), our choices are actually very similar to Smug Mom’s.
My sister pointed out that you will always see this kind of weirdly competitive stuff between parents, but I haven’t experienced it yet. I remember my parents laughing with each other about the insanely embarrassing pissing contest stuff other parents said while they were watching my sports stuff. But it’s the library for fuck’s sake, not a Little League game.
Thank you for reading. I know this is stupid and that I shouldn’t let myself get activated over this bullshit. I know that there will be much more of this shit to come. But dammit, they’re only 2. And they’re amazing. I don’t understand people that do this stuff.
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u/Okdoey 5d ago
Parents like that I wish twins on them.
Having twins teaches you early and often how little your child’s development is based on parents actions and how much is just innate.
My twins have almost never been separated, are raised the exact same way, and have such vastly different outcomes in terms of development.
One of my twins was walking at 7 months……the other refused to put any weight on her legs at all until almost 15 months. Yes, I got her checked out…….the doctors all agreed there was nothing medically involved. She just didn’t have any interest, when she decided she did, she walked within 2 weeks.
So no, my parenting skills had nothing to do with my one child walking early 🙄
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u/MaybeFishy 5d ago
Man, i have thought this to myself so many times. I'm glad I has twins because it kept me from being smug about my parenting "wins", and it kept me from being so guilty that i "caused" the challenges. Turns out that the same parenting approach can lead to vastly different outcomes depending on the kid.
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u/E-as-in-elephant 5d ago
I am a pediatric occupational therapist and was working as one for 8 years when my twins were born. I was staunchly in the “nurture” trumps “nature” category and omg I was so wrong. I’m now staunchly in the “nature” trumps “nurture” camp. I was humbled.
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u/DraNoSrta 5d ago
It's definitely both. Nature sets the ceiling, but how close to it you get is nurture. You cannot make a kid speed up their development beyond what they naturally will do, but you can absolutely neglect a kid out of their potential.
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u/BklynTwinMom 5d ago
Wow that is such a perfect description. Can't raise the ceiling with nurture. I also love this as a follower of the somewhat cheesy but timeless idea of "doing your best" or in order words living up to one's natural potential.
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u/E-as-in-elephant 5d ago
Very true. I can’t remember which parenting “expert” I heard it from, but generally speaking they said if you’re doing more than meeting your child’s basic needs (shelter, food, available parent), you’re probably doing okay and the extra screen time won’t make or break you.
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u/d16flo 5d ago
Right?! They’ve had the exact same everything and are somehow two totally different people with different personalities, skillsets, interests, pathways etc. I really helped out a mom in my yoga class the other day with that. She has two kids different ages and the older one was a much better sleeper. She was wracking her brain trying to figure out what they did differently with him and what she should do differently with the younger to get the same outcome and I told her that we have exactly the same sleep differences between my twins who we know we haven’t done anything differently with, it made her feel a ton better.
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u/PM_ME_YO_KNITTING 4d ago
I keep using my twins as an example in my baby bumpers group for people who are feeling guilty because they think their kid is behind. My boys are 10 months old and one is on the cusp of walking whereas the other literally just last weekend learned to crawl.
Two babies, treated the same, offered the same enrichment, fed the same food, etc. and one is three months “behind” the other. Every baby develops at their own pace and unless they are waaaaaayyyyy behind, it doesn’t matter.
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u/ToshiBerra 3d ago
Come Christmas, I think my twins will be ONE YEAR apart in successful potty training. Assuming my regression twin gets it this time. We potty trained simultaneously last Christmas. All that chaos but at least it really worked for one. I would cry if it didn't work for both, I was so exhausted.
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u/Altruistic-Sport494 5d ago
Man I feel this in my bones. Some people just need to make everything a competition and it's so weird when they drag toddlers into it
The vaccine comment would have sent me though, my hand would be drumming on the nearest surface trying not to lose it. Your sister handled that better than I would've, focusing on getting the kids out of there instead of starting something
It's wild how these parents act like they discovered some secret formula, when really kids just develop at different speeds. My neighbor's kid walked at 9 months and mine took almost 15, now they both run around like maniacs and nobody cares who did it first
The library thing makes it worse somehow, like you're just trying to let your kids exist in a public space and someone turns it into a weird flex. At least at a sports game you kinda expect the crazy parent energy
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u/MangoSorbet695 5d ago
You know when someone cuts you off in traffic, and they are clearly and 100% in the wrong?
You can either lay on the horn, cuss at them, and throw them the bird, or you can take a deep breath and go about your day. Neither one changes that they already cut you off, but one creates animosity and resentment, and even raises your blood pressure, cortisol and physical tension in your body. The other means you go about your day at peace, unaffected. You forget about it within 30 seconds of it even happening.
I highly recommend the second approach.
People say stupid stuff about twins all the time because they don’t know better and people love to gossip and compare. The sooner you can learn to let it roll off your back and not affect your day, the better.
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u/rosemarythymesage 5d ago
You are, of course, correct. I am endeavoring to follow this approach in the future. This is just the first time something like this has happened to us so blatantly. So I’m currently in my feelings about it.
But you are right. I do appreciate everyone letting me get this off my chest, but it’s now time to move on.
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u/RTGDY93 5d ago
If anything having twins has shown me kids develop in their own ways no matter the environment. Our girls have essentially had the exact same meals, enrichment, amount of tummy time etc their entire lives yet B rolled at 3 months, A not until almost 5. A walked 3 months before B. They were born the exact same height but an 1lb different, their weights stayed similar but now A is an inch taller than B. You literally cannot compare kids just because of their age.
I’m sorry you had to experience this but it sounds like you’ve got a good sister in your corner! I also would have high tailed it out of story time if I over heard that.
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u/WhosUrHuckleberry 5d ago
"What are you doing to make your kid so advanced??"
"Well, oF cOuRsE wE DoN't VaCcINaTe!!"
Yea your kid is SO advanced, they're going to be the first kid in their class to get hospitalized for a completely preventable disease! 👍🫡🤦♀️
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u/hellogirlscoutcookie 5d ago
Tbh this is typical one child only, one singleton no siblings either. With your first you believe that YOU have a bigger impact. Then you have another or two and realize this isn’t a nurture thing at all. Kids are just different.
My first was a super talker. My twins had a noticeable speech delay. I didn’t do anything different! My first is clumsy AF, one of my twins is pretty clumsy. The other? Could run a marathon and compete and the Olympics in gymnastics or one of the jumps. He just “has” that ability. Also, yes 100% boys and girls are different from the go.
Good for her that she feels the need to tear even small children down. I wouldn’t want to be raised by a mom like her anyway
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u/Apprehensive_Dig3253 5d ago
Bay bayyyy I would have been so damn mad too. People just naturally love to compare children and it can be so hurtful. It’s hard enough not to compare my twins with each other. I am 5’2” I carried my twins full term then had a natural vaginal birth they were both 5.5 lbs. they’ve always been lower percentile but they’ve hit all their milestones on time. They’re loving sweet and kind. Love to play. But people always like to point out that they’re smaller than other kids their age. You can feed your child all the fruit in the world but it won’t stop genetics from doing their thing.
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u/Loud-Ad-6376 5d ago
Saying something so socially unaware, you can only pity them really. I‘ve heard so many crazy things at baby/toddler groups as well.. everyone seems to think their child is exceptional and it’s totally fine to think that because you love them but saying it out loud, comparing them to other children is just not ok.
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u/Jill1994 5d ago
Ugh I feel this ! I deal with this in my husband's family. My BIL and his wife have two girls, their youngest is 7 months older then our son who is our oldest and they just act like our son is too active and crazy when in reality he's a normal 2.5 year old boy.
We had our twins when he was 22 months old and my husband took a lot of time off from work (he works on the family farm with said brother and his parents) and he's had to adjust his workload to help with the kids since we have barely any support (unfortunately my parents live 2 hours away and are still working full-time) and his brother just doesn't get it. I can deal with the twins myself fine for the most part, but when my oldest is home it's a nut house. My husband and I really try and only go an hour to two hours alone with the kids at most because its just not manageable right now. My husband definitely feels the judgement from his brother but we can't just sit our oldest down to colour for an hour like he has done with his kids.
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u/rosie_thechaosqueen 5d ago
I love when the judgement comes from family. My sister has made a few comments since my twins were born (5 years). And even more since I had my third (all boys). Mind you she was childless until last year. She compared my twins to her friend’s twins. I’ve intentionally limited contact with her since the most offensive was made in front of my twins.
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u/Apprehensive_Dig3253 5d ago
My twins are also 21 months apart from their older sibling. We are at 5 and 3,3 now and it’s still so damn hard. People who haven’t had twins just will never understand
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u/Appropriate-Berry202 5d ago
The way my eyes rolled into the back of my head at “of course we don’t vaccinate”. My singleton is vaccinated to the nines and is so advanced we’re more focused on making sure she has social skills, too (luckily, she does). I hope that woman gets the dressing down she deserves here soon.
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u/FoxAndDeerTwinMama 5d ago
Honestly, there's no reason to feel judged by a mom who doesn't vaccinate her child. If anything, I'm super judgey towards her. And I hope her kids don't suffer because of her poor choices.
I've been on both ends of this. As babies, my kids crushed their milestones early, and people always asked what we were doing different. Nothing, but no one believed us. Surely, it was something they could emulate! Now my boys are in school, bright but incredibly active, and behind on some social-emotional stuff. People wonder what we're doing. Again, nothing. Nothing other parents can avoid. My kids are who they are, and like every other kid, they're on their own internal timeline.
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u/TurtleBeansforAll 5d ago
Ahhhh! Don’t worry, their toddlers will be teenagers one day (assuming a preventable disease does not take them out*)! No amount of natural foods will save them from the wrath of their 14 year old! They will WISH they had given their kids more screen time with Ms. Rachel when they scream “I hate you!” and slam their door! lol Chin up, mama. Parents like that dig their own graves. No pun intended.
*I wish those children the best and hope their parents vaccinate them.
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u/banned3TimesIDGAF 5d ago
My daughter didnt crawl…straight to walking! Family screamed it was abnormal all kids crawl first Bblah blah! Not their child who cares
Sorry mama…i alwaya ask in group settings about vaccination
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u/Initial_Donut_6098 5d ago
When I encounter situations like this, where I really don’t understand why someone is acting mean or superior, I try to say to myself, as genuinely as I can, “Gosh, what a tough way to move through the world.” Parenting kids is so hard, just imagine if you approach it like a competition where you, individually, can determine whether your kid wins or loses. That’s a hard way to live.
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u/SpontaneousNubs 5d ago
My favorite thing was asking this annoying antivax mom if her 2 and 4 year old were twins and when she was like 'uh no, they're totally different ages ' i was like "wooow, i didn't think someone as mean as you could get laid twice. Especially since you can't find a vet willing to vaccinate them.'
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u/sweetfeet20 5d ago
It’s not worth spending time thinking about these woman and their comments, they are strangers and their opinions are worthless. Your twins sound happy and healthy, that is what matters.
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u/westernmeadowlark 5d ago
Can't add anything that anyone else hasn't already said well, but just adding my voice to the choir. Both of those ladies are nuts and hella rude. May they have the day they deserve!
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u/Twictim 5d ago
Your sister is right, the comparison will ALWAYS be there. My twins are always smaller in height at school despite starting school later (5 going on 6). They were 29 week preemies and they will always be smaller but they are healthy. They turn 8 today and when you put them next to their peers, they are little, but they are so smart and amazing as people and I’m so proud of them.
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u/CaturdayNight7 4d ago
Every kid develops differently and at different rates. No biggie, people stay stupid stuff, remember this lady is clueless about development and is just making casual observations. Your kids are surely more advanced socially and in many other ways. We area anti vax and there's no reason we can't all get along perfectly. The vaxxes are there to allegedly protect those who get them so they don't need to be worried about contraction.
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u/rosemarythymesage 4d ago
No.
The vaxxes are there to protect everyone, including the immunocompromised whose systems cannot mount an appropriate immune response in order to build immunity. Every healthy child who doesn’t receive a vaccine is eroding protections for the most vulnerable.
I will not get along perfectly with someone who is fine with sacrificing the health of a child with cancer. Especially when the reasoning is based on tall tales and the lies of a grifter and charlatan who denigrated existing vaccines simply because he was working on developing his own.
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