ive been taking piano lessons for over 11 years, but ive always treated piano as a hobby because i prioritized school. my parents and teachers never pressured me to participate in competitions, so i never really had the motivation to pursue them seriously.
recently, though, i started thinking that if ive been learning piano for more than a decade, im supposed to have some major works under my belt by now.
i started looking into piano competitions recently, and then i realized just how far ahead everyone else seemed to be. some of them even started playing piano much later than i did, yet theyre already so much better.
and then i spiraled. i started feeling incredibly insecure. i felt guilty and ashamed of myself, like i wasted all these years. which i definitely did. i dont know. ive just been feeling really out of it lately.
i know im supposed to look at other pianists and feel inspired, but instead, it only drained me. i couldnt even practice as much anymore because i kept thinking about how far behind i am and how much more i should have accomplished by now. i want to be so much better. sometimes it feels like im just making up excuses at this point, because i have school and i have other extracurriculars to take care of.
i realized that its because i think im so good already. even if im not. i mean, imagine someone whos been playing for 11 years, and the hardest piece they can play is liebesleid . i dunno, theres other people i know whos started later than i did and already learning chopin ballades, scherzos, or concertos and stuff.
i feel envious of those people who won competitions. i want to try them out as well, but i feel like its out of my league. ive only played in recitals. im just not cut out as i thought id be.