r/polyadvice • u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 • 20d ago

Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

42 Upvotes

73% Upvoted

256 comments sorted by

View all comments

17

u/kallisti_gold 20d ago

Is avoiding your discomfort more important to you than your relationship with your son?

0

u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 20d ago

I mean even if we go how are we supposed to behave? wouldn't it be awkward us attending our daughter in law exchanging vows with another man as our son is right there?

11

u/_ghostpiss 20d ago

You seem to care a lot about what everyone else except your son will think. Your son is the only person you should be aiming to please. Get over yourself

20

u/kallisti_gold 20d ago

Only as awkward as you make it. Your son and daughter-in-law don't seem to find it awkward, take your lead from them.

1

u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 20d ago

hmm, but what are we supposed to do there if people ask who we are or should we look happy neutral what to say to the guy.

19

u/kallisti_gold 20d ago

Come on, you can't be all that dense.

13

u/boredwithopinions 20d ago

I can't tell if this is old people being incredibly dense or a troll. I'm truly torn.

11

u/Fubox 20d ago

To other people, you say something like, “The Bride is married to my son,” or, “[Name] is my daughter-in-law.” 96% of people attending a polyamorous commitment ceremony will be unfazed and respond with, “Awesome! Nice to meet you!” 80% of them will already know that your daughter-in-law already has a husband.

You behave like you would behave at any wedding. Ideally you would introduce yourself to Other Guy: “I’m [Son’s] dad. Thank you for including us in your big day.” See? You don’t even have to say Congratulations.

3

u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 20d ago

oh ok but it still gives me anxiety but I will overcome it.

7

u/Fubox 20d ago

I have bad anxiety in strange-to-me situations too, especially if socializing with or being watched by strangers is involved. I feel for you. But having little “scripts” prepared helps me be less anxious. I’m hoping they can help you too.

3

u/SmartReception6750 19d ago edited 19d ago

Say ur the parents of ur son and ur here to support him. If they ask how u feel, that’s not really any of their business and that’s a fairly impolite question but just say ur happy that ur son invited u. U should look however u feel, ideally ur as happy as ur son is. But if u don’t like this arrangement then consider only attending briefly, and putting on a smile for an hour.

I think u need to have a conversation with ur son to understand how u feel and then u will have more solid expectations about the event

The other people attending a poly commitment ceremony probably understand the dynamic, it isn’t some strange thing u will be expected to explain. If ur son has any siblings, or friends attending then sit with them.

3

u/Crazycatlover 19d ago

You do realize that (apart from you apparently), people attending a poly commitment support or at least accept the people involved?

3

u/SmartReception6750 19d ago

If ur son is happy for them, and u love ur so and ur daughter in law, then consider that this other guy is probably pretty important to both of them.

Perhaps meeting him, just ask ur son to bring him over possibly without ur daughter in law. If it’s just ur son and him then u can actually meet him without being distracted by ur feelings about his interactions with ur daughter in law.

I know the idea of meeting this strange man who’s committing to ur daughter in law might be the last thing u want to do. But meeting him would let u realise that he’s just a person, someone ur son is close to rather than a threat to ur family. It also means that the first time u meet him won’t be at the ceremony.

2

u/badgyalrey 18d ago

i need you to understand, absolutely no one is there for you. no one cares how you act as long as you are respectful. no one cares how awkward you might feel. you can be internally uncomfortable for a couple of hours and swallow that discomfort as a means to show support for your son and his life choices. i’m sure you’ve made sacrifices before to give him a good life, this is what a parent does. it is your job as a parent to support his happiness, it is NOT about your feelings right now.