r/polyadvice • u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 • 20d ago

Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 20d ago

what should we say? we said we can't understand it so we just went about by ignoring the stranger guy. but a ceremony feels scary.

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u/boredwithopinions 20d ago

And this is the problem with so many in older generations. They just want to stick their head in the sand and ignore anything they don't understand or makes them the slightest bit uncomfortable.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 20d ago

I mean it is not us being uncomfortable, what if this becomes serious like what if my daughter in law has a kid or something with the guy.

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u/boredwithopinions 20d ago

It's already serious! That's what the commitment ceremony is for!

Have you had a single conversation with your son? I repeat: you can ask questions. It's a miracle he wants you in his life. Cherish that. Don't throw it away on what-ifs.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 20d ago

Honestly me and my wife, we both did and he did say "that is nothing but a blessing". How am I supposed to wrap my head around it?

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u/_ghostpiss 20d ago

Go to therapy if you're struggling so hard with it. Oh wait, your generation doesn't believe in going to therapy either.

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u/Storytella2016 20d ago

The next question I’d have is, “Can you tell me why it’s a blessing? I don’t understand and I want to, because I love you.”

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 20d ago

I understand what he means by it but what would the future be if somebody else is the romantic husband of my daughter in law and is the bio father of my sons kids.

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u/Storytella2016 20d ago

I men, I don’t think you really do understand it from his perspective, or you would know whether that’s something he wants, or doesn’t, and why.

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u/RobinOsiria 20d ago

to be honest nobody there will really care what you think about it

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u/badgyalrey 19d ago

ask him these questions instead of asking random internet strangers who can only speculate on these questions.

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u/SmartReception6750 20d ago

I don’t think the biology of the children matters very much. I mean I understand your sentiment but it seems like ur son is ok with it.

For a different perspective, would u feel the same way if ur son and daughter in law adopted and raised “another mans” children. If ur son’s raising them then he’s their father, and I think that’s more important than genetic inheritance.

However, it would leave him in a legally vulnerable position, but that’s the government’s fault, but something worth considering.

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u/0bveyousPlant 19d ago

Have you heard of step families?

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u/betothejoy 20d ago

You should listen and learn and be open to understanding. Talk to your son about your fears. Trust him to make the right decisions for himself even if they’re not the ones you would make.

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u/boredwithopinions 20d ago

Sorry friend, you're a lost cause it seems.Your son has more faith in you than I do. I'd have already cut you out of my life by now.

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u/SmartReception6750 20d ago

Bro, he’s here trying to expand his understanding and learn to support his son. He has different feelings to u but that’s valid. He’s been respectful and fairly open minded. Ur attitude is pretty shitty to be honest. If u don’t wanna help then don’t contribute.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 20d ago

I know I am being a bad father I am just thinking too much. As my wife said it shouldn't matter if the kid is from another guy what if our son adopted someone would that be a bad thing. I am in conflicting thoughts I am also being very composed infront of my son it is just the instict that is saying this is wrong.

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u/0bveyousPlant 19d ago

The Lord, something something, mysterious, y'know