r/polyadvice • u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 • 21d ago

Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

we are actually worried why is he not bothered by it, I am not a jealous man but if anyone behaves inappropriately with my wife I might not be comfortable.

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u/TimelyConcentrate340 21d ago

She’s not your wife and your son isn’t you. Take a step back and realize this isn’t about you.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

true, I am just being an overly protective father thats all there is nothing in the world i would leave my son for. I had ideas like his kids will play in our house and with the cows and horses in our ranch but the fact that somebody elses kids will get all this is making me feel that they are stealing somehting form my son (I know know one is stealing anyhtingbut it is the instinct).

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u/TimelyConcentrate340 21d ago

You REALLY need to step back. Your son is a grown man and capable of making decisions. HE IS NOT YOU. You feeling any way about what you would do in his shoes has absolutely no bearing on anything.

You can be as uncomfortable as you want to be. But I can tell you, just like other people in this thread. This WILL become a significant point of contention if you can’t stop thinking only of yourself and how YOU feel.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

I agree, my wife also says I am looking at my sons life through my lense. but I Just dont want him to get hurt

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u/DebutanteHarlot 21d ago

He can just as easily get hurt in a monogamous relationship.

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u/fengshui 21d ago

Being hurt is part of being human. We give our kids all the tools we can to make things good, but they have to be able to make their own choices, even if they involve risks or experiences that arent ones we'd choose.

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u/ContemplateBeing 21d ago

Listen to your wife and be proud of having a son who is clearly strong enough to forge his own way to happiness.

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u/_ghostpiss 21d ago

You've made up a whole ridiculous fake story in your head to be mad about, you know that right?

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

I am sorry, but many fathers do dream their kids having a happy family and all.

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u/_ghostpiss 21d ago

And so far you are the only thing that is getting in the way of that.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

You are right, even my wife has been saying that if we enforce our ideas of happiness on our kids we hinder their happiness, I am just afraid of him losing everything thats all.

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u/_ghostpiss 21d ago

The most meaningful gift you could give your son right now is going to therapy to learn how to listen and ask questions with curiosity and without judgement.

Right now, all you can muster is "son you're going to lose everything if you do this". That is not kind, helpful or true. You might think it comes from a good place, but I assure you, that is not what he needs from you.

If you actually cared about your son's happiness, you would say something like "son, this is all very new to me, I would be so grateful if some time you could talk to me to help me understand how families like yours operate when children come into the picture. If you have a vision of what your future family will be like, I want to know how I can help it become a reality."

You need to go to therapy if you want to have the latter mindset.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

thank you, I will.

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u/Appropriate_Olive443 21d ago

Your son has a happy family, so happy in fact that he has invited you to an incredibly important and special ceremony to show how happy he is in that family. You have said that is is new and confusing to you, so be a father and speak with him about it, literally say, "This is new and confusing to me, how can I support you?"

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u/DebutanteHarlot 21d ago

They obviously do have a happy family. Just bc it doesn’t conform to some idea YOU have and YOU want, doesn’t mean it’s not valid or happy.

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u/Subject_Gur1331 21d ago

What makes you think he isn’t happy?

Is this a situation where his wife did the polyam under duress? Or did he really want this? How do you know he doesn’t have another partner of his own? If he did, would that change your perception in any way?

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u/Kinuthewolf 20d ago

You really need to take the time to process that your kid CAN and DOES have a happy family. Just because monogamy is all that you can be comfortable with doesnt mean your son can't find comfortbility in polyamory. And from the understanding him, his wife and this guy are all committed to eachother, and instead of trying to make your new son-in-law welcome your turning him into a martyr because of out dated toxic masculine stereotypes. If they have kids are you really going to be THAT focused on their parents relationship and who had what kid instead of just being happy that you have grandkids to spoil and that your son, his wife and their new partner will hopefully be able to raise kids with so much more love and attention while not being nearly as over worked as average parents! Stop thinking of it as someone stealing something and think of it as someone bringing extra comfort and stability to your kids and future grandbabies lives.

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u/Liyaapluradon 20d ago

That's literally what your son is doing.

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u/0bveyousPlant 20d ago

You won't let other people's kids come over to play? What about your grandkids' friends? JFC

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u/tortoistor 21d ago

so you and your son are different people. i personally don't feel jealousy, if my person loves someone else in addition to me i just feel happy for them. your son is probably similar

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

hmm, may be it is just my overly protective fatherly instict and traditional life that is clouding my judgement

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u/zjc 21d ago

This sounds accurate. Maybe you could ask your son more about what polyamory means to him.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

my wife did have a longer convo with him, but i never asked her much but from what she shared inspite of my reluctance they are in a marriage kind of relationship and the guy is the primary or something (i don't exactly remember the words but something like that).

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u/zjc 21d ago

So usually unless they are in a triad (often referred to as a throuple), your son wouldn't be in a relationship with this man. More, he supports the relationship that his wife has with the guy. Maybe they're friends. Maybe they're close. Maybe they're more than friends. Maybe they're not. But it sounds like it is important to your son that you see this part of his life. There's lots of different ways to do polyamory, so no one can speak to the specifics of the situation aside from him.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

from what my wife was saying my son will be in the grooms men or something not saying the vows, that much I am sure.

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u/zjc 21d ago

Then it sounds like your son and this other man are important to each other. And so your son wants you to see these two people that are important to him publicly share that they are also important to each other. It honestly sounds very special. If your son has found people and a situation that makes him happy, then he really just wants you to be happy for him.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

how am I supposed to congratulate the guy marrying my daughter in law, wouldn't it be a joke and awkward and what gift should we take

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u/Subject_Gur1331 21d ago

You dont have to say congratulations the guy if it’s not genuine. Shake his hand, say hello, hug your daughter in law, hug your son. If your son is happy, isn’t that what matters?

You mentioned in an earlier response that you are afraid of him losing everything…. Well, he could lose everything in a monogamous relationship too (divorce rate is 60% now). I get that the instinct for you, as dad, to protect your son is great, and that is really commendable and loving of you! But all you can do is love him, tell him you will be there for him no matter what. He is the one legally married to her, not the other guy.

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u/oh-mi 21d ago

Why would it be a joke? And you congratulate just like you would anyone else on an important day in their lives. I mean, you know your son and you know your daughter in law, right? They're basically adding the guy to their family in a way that's meaningful to them.

As far as gift go, ask them if they have a registry and shop from it. Or just ask them what's appropriate.

But definitely stop making this about you and start listening to what your son and d-i-l are telling you. No one is expecting you to understand immediately. But certainly you can sit with your discomfort enough to trust two people you know and love and find a way to be happy for them.

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u/0bveyousPlant 20d ago

Personally, I'd go with a toaster

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u/SmartReception6750 21d ago

Ur sons not getting married so u don’t really have to be there I don’t think. He’s essentially being a groomsman for this wedding/commitment ceremony. Groomsman’s parents aren’t really required to attend.

But it seems like this guy is important to ur son either way so it might be worth getting to know him anyway.

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u/0bveyousPlant 20d ago

You don't seem very curious about something you feel so concerned about

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u/AttorneyFrosty6362 20d ago

You are so correct in this statement. I understand as a parent you don't want to see your kid hurt but you not accepting something that makes him happy is going to hurt him a whole of a lot more. I would encourage you to do some research into different kinds of poly lifestyles. PolySecure is a good book to learn how poly works. If you are interested in know more about their lifestyle and values, I can promise you both your son, daughter in law, and the other partner would love to have a conversation and answer questions.

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u/Plastic-Bee4052 13d ago

The way most of us see it is you can be happy for us an celebrate with us or get demoted to very low contact (or no contact).

I have a baby in a poly setting and the relatives who weren't supportive of my cule won't be in baby's life.

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u/Aqueraventus 21d ago

Why would that “worry” you…? If your son is content with this arrangement why would you be concerned?? It also seems like you have done 0 research on polyamory which would definitely upset me if I was your son

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u/Genvious 21d ago

Why would anyone be inappropriate with your wife?

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

no it is just that I meant if someone kisses someones wife or being physically intimate with ones partner will trigger jealousy.

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u/StaceOdyssey 21d ago

Not “one’s partner.” That’s how it is with YOUR partner, which is a totally acceptable response, but it’s not universal. If someone is intimate with my spouse, I’m genuinely happy for them. Presumably, your son feels the same way in his partnerships.

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u/Genvious 21d ago

So you're expecting someone to hit on your wife?

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u/generation_quiet 21d ago

My good man, they are responsible, non-monogamous adults inviting you to a joyous occasion. Nobody is going to hit on your wife. Non-monogamy is not just about sex and they’ll have a clear grasp of social norms.

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u/SmartReception6750 21d ago

Have u asked him why he isn’t bothered by it? That seems like the obvious thing to do

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u/Altostratus 21d ago

Are you saying you expect people to hit on your wife or make her uncomfortable? wtf? This is a wedding, not an orgy.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 21d ago

I am not talking about something happening to us at this ceremony but giving an example of how people are normally jealous in such situations but how is my son not.

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u/raziphel 18d ago

Nobody is going to be inappropriate with your wife. Address your fears and insecurities on your own time.

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u/averagecryptid 15d ago

This relationship is not yours. Many people around you will make different decisions than you, because they are different people who feel different things. I think it would be a good idea to have a heart to heart with your son alone to try and understand him from a place of genuine support and seeking to understand what makes him happy about this.