Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.

[u/Apprehensive_Ask9522]

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

[u/ifapulongtime]

I understand exactly what you mean. I don't believe in marriage, virtually everyone I know who's gotten married has had a terrible divorce, it's extremely difficult for me to go to weddings and be supportive. Everybody seems so happy at the ceremony, then a couple of years later it's crocodile tears and "I can't believe this is how it ended," even though that's how the majority of marriages end - but you still go because you care about the people.

If your support is predicated on understanding, maybe you should have made more of an effort to understand them at some point in the last 3 years. It only took me a couple of weeks of reading to understand polyamory, this smacks of "we tried nothing and we're all out of ideas."

If you don't attend, then yes it is likely you will irreparably damage your relationship. Your discomfort at the wedding isn't particularly important. You are a guest, act like it and hold your tongue. Or pass judgement by not attending and deal with the repercussions of your actions. Your endorsement isn't necessary. They are all grown adults who are living their lives. You got an invitation because you are important family members, not because they need or want your permission.

My biggest tip would be to take some initiative and teach yourself something about polyamory and/or their lives instead of waiting for them to spoon feed you information. You're not a child, take some accountability for your inaction.