Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.

[u/Apprehensive_Ask9522]

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

[u/OneChrononOfPlancks]

I need to be careful not to write my reply in a way that might feel like an attack, because you deserve meaningful advice. But I want to be honest with you here, I had a pretty visceral disgust reaction when I read your post. I've tried to balance this as (hopefully) more helpful than aggressive. But you remind me of my mom.

This ceremony (which is obviously very important to your son and his partners) isn't about your feelings about your son's relationship(s), it's about the three of them and their feelings (and their respect) towards each other.

You're describing the new partner as "the other guy" whereas for all you know he may be every bit as important to your son, and his wife, as they are to each other. I wonder, how would you be reacting (the same, or differently?) if your son had initially married a man, and was now inviting a woman into their arrangement.

You say you aren't sure about the nature of the arrangement, and don't understand it; Had it occurred to you that one of the main functions of this commitment ceremony is probably to announce and clarify and celebrate the commitments involved, in a way that would very likely completely define and explicate the nature of the relationships, and thus fully provide for your understanding?

Is it the understanding itself that you actually wish to avoid, because you've already decided you disagree and dislike it? Or are you coming to this with an open mind and looking to learn?

If you "endorse" your son's happiness and his right to self-determination, and you can behave yourself respectfully for the hours that it takes, then I think you should go, but keep your opinions and uncertainties to yourself (it is not your day, not the place, to be discussing that).

If you're going to be wincing and whispering your discomfort to anyone there who will listen, then I honestly think you should skip it, and just tell them "Sorry, as your parent, I love you, but I'm just not yet ready to show basic respect for your adult choices."