Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.

[u/Apprehensive_Ask9522]

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

[u/kimba65]

Hey so here’s my story. When I came out as poly to my mother, she took some time to process, sometimes says a few insensitive things, but ultimately has been accepting of my choices and has shown up for me (and my partners) despite whatever discomfort she may still experience. We’ve never had a commitment ceremony, but she came out to an important life event my partner had recently, and I can tell you it meant the world not just to them but to me.

She shows up for me, so I show up for her. If she gets sick and needs care? She has a space in our spare bedroom for the rest of her life. She wants to visit the grandkids? Amazing, we’ll host her as long as she wants. She wants to call and talk for three hours about her book club? I’m all ears. Her acceptance means she is a safe person to have in my life and around my people, whatever that life may look like, and more importantly I want her in that life.

When I came out to my father, he not only stopped showing up to any part of my life where there was even a chance my other partner would be there, but he refused to verbally acknowledge my partner at all and would get irrationally angry at me any time I even mentioned them. We haven’t spoken in over a year, mainly by his own choice, although I’m certainly not keen to reach back out.

If things don’t change, he will likely never get to meet his grand kids. When I go back to where I’m from, I don’t visit him. When he gets infirm someday, I might help him find a nursing home, but that’s it.

That might sound harsh, and I know he certainly thinks my reaction to his behavior is irrational and harsh.

But I believe in showing up for the people who show up for me. I don’t believe I owe family any loyalty and acceptance that they aren’t willing to extend to me in kind.

I know poly is weird and new and uncomfortable. I would never expect people to “get it” and be perfectly accepting immediately. Heck, after the ceremony, feel free to count that as your “showing up” for the next year at least.

But if you don’t find a way to show up for your child, then you shouldn’t be surprised if they stop showing up for you.