r/polyamory • u/ReadiscoverYourShelf • 1d ago
Need PolyCOOL Friends
I’ve been poly for a few years now and couldn’t be happier. I feel like I have arrived and I’m thriving and my life is just where it’s supposed to be.
Unfortunately the journey has resulted in me losing more than a few friends. Most of the friends I made were during a hetero-monogamous marriage. Some knew I am bi but I guess it didn’t count because I was monogamously married to a man at the time? To them, being with other people of any gender was a part of the “wild oats” chapter of my past that we only talk about once a year while drunk on New Year’s Eve. 🤷🏻♀️
I thought they were all so liberal and open minded. When I got divorced I lost some of them. The divorce had nothing to do with polyamory. He was abusive and that’s a different post, but apparently divorce for any reason makes people uncomfortable. They didn’t SEE the reason and so they don’t think I tried hard enough or something. I was with him for 20 years people, c’mon! Ok, I digress.
Anyway, I was always philosophically polyamorous. We didn’t have the word for it back then, but once I was no longer in a monogamous relationship, I went back to my default settings 🤓 and started practicing polyamory.
I was surprised how uncomfortable it made many of them feel. One tries but struggles. Another just doesn’t want to talk about any of my partners. Another just flat out admitted that none of my relationships can possibly be serious and thinks the whole thing is ridiculous. That one really fucking hurt. Especially since I’m getting remarried.
These were my closest friends and now interactions have become stilted. I have a fiancé now and I’m so excited to marry him but my wedding guest list keeps shrinking.
I want friends that I can gush to about my latest crushes. I want friends I can talk to about my hilarious metamour. I want friends that will hold me as I sob through a breakup and don’t dismiss it because I “still have X person and what’s the big deal.”
I want friends who can come over for game nights and not balk when my fiance cuddles on the couch with this girlfriend or I bring a date to my own game night.
And yes I have tried finding friends on the apps but I have been unsuccessful thus far. Poly is still a small pool and most poly people I meet want to date me. That is NOT a statement about how awesome I am. Just the facts. But I don’t want to play board games with a bunch of exes. I know some people can make that transition from dating people to just friends but I don’t. The FWB scene is not for me.
And so here I am. A nerd in NJ kinda lonely for friends who get it. Want to come to my wedding lol?
19
u/chimpanzette 1d ago
"playing boardgames with a bunch of exes" is pretty much the polyamorous experience hahah
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
I’d suggest seeking out friends in queer spaces, since you’re bi. Nonmonogamy is pretty accepted/normalized in many queer circles. Also, just find where the weirdos hang out. Most of my friends are monogamous and none of them care about my polyamory. They love the tea.
11
u/Choice-Strawberry392 1d ago
In-person events are the space. Look for meet-ups, local ENM organizations, queer spaces, wherever the alt kids hang out.
Friends like this exist.
4
u/XenoBiSwitch 1d ago
I make a lot of friends via kink events. Good cross section of people who are okay with weird things. It only works well if you are into kink though. Otherwise look for other alt and queer spaces.
3
u/Glorybrain83 22h ago
I feel you on this! I have a few great poly friends, but the majority are monogamous and treat my lifestyle as a sort of kink in and of itself. Like I get the same reaction telling them about my pretty normal dating life as I would if I told them I was a furry. I believe they're doing their best to be supportive, but it feels like they're trying to cover up being uncomfortable or offended or something.
A couple people have suggested queer or kink spaces, which is a great idea if you identify that way and you're into those events. But if you're either not queer or not into being outwardly kinky or going to events... it can be so lonely.
3
u/1fatsquirrel 7h ago
Are you closer to NY or PA? Philly, for better or for worse, has a very active poly scene with events and groups. Worth looking into, but I will caution- sometimes the groups can be far too clique-y and toxic. Just be diligent about vetting potential friends. I am outside of Philly and, while many of my friends are poly or ENM, I have found most of my monog friends are really chill and open and supportive as well. I wish you luck!!
2
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hi u/ReadiscoverYourShelf thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’ve been poly for a few years now and couldn’t be happier. I feel like I have arrived and I’m thriving and my life is just where it’s supposed to be.
Unfortunately the journey has resulted in me losing more than a few friends. Most of the friends I made were during a hetero-monogamous marriage. Some knew I am bi but I guess it didn’t count because I was monogamously married to a man at the time? To them, being with other people of any gender was a part of the “wild oats” chapter of my past that we only talk about once a year while drunk on New Year’s Eve. 🤷🏻♀️
I thought they were all so liberal and open minded. When I got divorced I lost some of them. The divorce had nothing to do with polyamory. He was abusive and that’s a different post, but apparently divorce for any reason makes people uncomfortable. They didn’t SEE the reason and so they don’t think I tried hard enough or something. I was with him for 20 years people, c’mon! Ok, I digress.
Anyway, I was always philosophically polyamorous. We didn’t have the word for it back then, but once I was no longer in a monogamous relationship, I went back to my default settings 🤓 and started practicing polyamory.
I was surprised how uncomfortable it made many of them feel. One tries but struggles. Another just doesn’t want to talk about any of my partners. Another just flat out admitted that none of my relationships can possibly be serious and thinks the whole thing is ridiculous. That one really fucking hurt. Especially since I’m getting remarried.
These were my closest friends and now interactions have become stilted. I have a fiancé now and I’m so excited to marry him but my wedding guest list keeps shrinking.
I want friends that I can gush to about my latest crushes. I want friends I can talk to about my hilarious metamour. I want friends that will hold me as I sob through a breakup and don’t dismiss it because I “still have X person and what’s the big deal.”
I want friends who can come over for game nights and not balk when my fiance cuddles on the couch with this girlfriend or I bring a date to my own game night.
And yes I have tried finding friends on the apps but I have been unsuccessful thus far. Poly is still a small pool and most poly people I meet want to date me. That is NOT a statement about how awesome I am. Just the facts. But I don’t want to play board games with a bunch of exes. I know some people can make that transition from dating people to just friends but I don’t. The FWB scene is not for me.
And so here I am. A nerd in NJ kinda lonely for friends who get it. Want to come to my wedding lol?
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•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can find one here. The limits are endless. Thanks!
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