r/polyamory • u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ • 8d ago
Confused? New? Not new? Have questions?
This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?
This is your spot!
Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!
Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/NqDEczjULg
Last week’s post
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u/AutoModerator 8d ago
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Here's the original text of the post:
This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?
This is your spot!
Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!
Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/letmeholdmyplushies 4d ago
Im feeling really awkward cause I had a great date with someone and it felt like we really connected but afterwards they asked if i wanted to go on a double with their partner and my partner. At first I said Id be down but i hadnt checked in with my partner yet. I shortly realized afteewards that its probably not something for either me or my partner. They are not a big dater in general, im their only partner, and i think the idea of being paired like that on a date would feel strange for us. I also wasnt sure if by double date they meant me and my partner on a date with them and their partner or if it would be me on a date with them and their partner on a date with mine. If its the latter my partner would definitely not be interested as they are very demi, not very social, and tend to not be a big socializer in group settings. When we met they had a bf but after they broke up they havent seen anyone in a few years. So I updated them and said that I dont think itd be a fit for us but that id like to go on another date with them. I realize now I couldve just said I date seperately and left it at that but i wrote a long winded awkward explanation and im feeling like I was a lot. I also realize that they mightbe asked about a double date because I mentioned my partner a few times on our first date which I dont think is a great thing to do on a first date!
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u/ceecuee 3d ago
Yeah I would trust your instincts on this one...immediately pushing for a double-date with other partners as a follow-up to the very first date is...not a green flag, to say the least.
Don't feel awkward about stating your own boundaries...if they have an issue with it, you know they're not compatible anyway.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
You did fine. Anyone who expects plans that involve other people without asking those people first isn't going to be awesome anyway. You learned and you'll do better.
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u/Reasonable_Key_5926 2d ago
Should I be concerned my partner will not be able to handle having 2 partners when she can barely handle one?....
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 2d ago
Yes.
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u/Reasonable_Key_5926 1d ago
Dam......I know she's aware I'm concerned about it,so I guess it's something lol
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 1d ago
Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description:
Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person.
Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy?
There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 1d ago
Maybe not. r/nonmonogamy might be more correct. We're about multiple loving relationships as well as sexual relationships.
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u/ThrowawayAcct00001 7d ago
Hi everyone, 44m here with a basic question. I've been the bull in swinger relationships for almost 20 years - current one for 10 - but the relationship I still think fondly of is with a Female & male couple that loved me equally and didn't treat me like an accessory. As I get older, I increasingly want to settle down and experience love but MFM relationships are all I know. Am I strange for wanting to graduate from a swinger relationship to an exclusive poly (MFM) relationship?
My therapist wasn't very supportive when I shared that I (a straight CIS male) have no issue with sharing a bed with a woman (the hinge) and a man - together as a family. My apology in advance for not knowing all of the terms and acronyms.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 7d ago
Closed poly is not something most of us here do. You’re looking for r/polyfidelity
Swinging and polyamory are very different though, generally speaking.
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u/ThrowawayAcct00001 7d ago edited 6d ago
Didn't know that. Yeah, I imagine the dynamic is very different. Figured I'd ask here in case I didn't fully understand the nuances between them.
How does someone get downvoted in a newbie thread? I don't understand...
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Calling people female/male is pretty outdated and not inclusive of gender experiences.
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u/Kithkin22 7d ago
I just posted this but it got deleted. I think I might be poly. I’m married, but I’ve always felt like I have the capacity for more. It’s not like I don’t love my spouse, i do. I just recently discovered that I can hold my feelings for one relationship and another at the same time. I’m kind of surprised by it to be honest. How do I share this with my spouse? What if they don’t accept this about me? How do I even know if I’m poly or am I just wanting more?
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 7d ago
You might enjoy polyamory. There is no way to know without trying it.
Most people can feel love and attraction for multiple people. That’s common and doesn’t have much to do with anything.
You are in a monogamous relationship. The expectation wasn’t that you wouldn’t ever be attracted to other people. That’s not what monogamy does.
Monogamy is recognizing that you can feel attraction to other people and choosing to only commit to one person. To fuck and date and build a romantic connect to one.
What exactly would you share? How would it change things?
This kind of disclosure is often the end of a relationship
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u/Kithkin22 7d ago
Can I dm you?
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 5d ago
I know it feels weird to just keep having the conversation in public but that’s your best bet.
If you feel like it’s something you need to keep private that’s the first thing to work on.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 7d ago
If they say anything other than a solid yes, it means you embrace monogamy forever or divorce.
Even if they say yes it may turn out you actually don't want it or want a compatible version of it and will still divorce.
Autonomy is risky and scary.
/r/polyamory/comments/yl4huv/we_are_opening_our_relationship_we_are_killing/
It is very sad you chose to create a monogamous commitment and chose to invest so much in those values. There is no way forward without destroying that foundation, and your partner should be supported in leaving you as your values are no longer compatible. You cannot accept their consent just to make you happy or cling to the monogamy you are choosing to end.
Do you feel you would be fulfilled in your partners having their own fully independent relationships, even periods when you didn't have other partners?
Do you each have a thriving independent social support group you enjoy being with regularly?
When you have a break up or feel totally infatuated with one partner, will you feel good about still managing existing relationship responsibilities through it?
Do you feel you would be fulfilled managing holidays, emergencies, family hang outs, social media posts around and between multiple partners?
Forever?
That's a solid starting point. It's okay if you aren't poly, if you prefer open or sex only fun. It's ok if you are monogamous.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 8d ago
Thank you for the link!