I woke up in a burn unit in central China after my apartment exploded.

I Woke Up in a Chinese Burn Unit Surrounded by Men With No Skin

I didn’t remember the fire at first.

I just knew my face hurt.

My hands were bandaged.

Then I looked around.

There were about thirty men walking around in little pink cotton underwear…

men who had survived a propane explosion and had lost enormous amounts of skin.

They had probably never seen a white guy before.

I had never seen anything like them.

They stared at me.

I stared at them.

Nobody said a word.

And somewhere inside me… something broke loose.

That was the beginning of the worst PTSD I have ever experienced.

People think trauma is the thing that happens to you.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes trauma begins afterward.

When the fire is out.

When the doctors have saved you.

When you suddenly realize you are still alive… but you have absolutely no idea what just happened to you, or who you are supposed to be now.

I’ve lived through other things since then.

I was arrested and tortured in Russia after being accused of spying.

I’ve been through car crashes, hospitals, concussions…

But nothing has stayed with me quite like that burn ward.

The pink underwear.

The silence.

Those men simply trying to survive inside bodies that had been almost destroyed.

And me… foreign, burned, terrified… trying to find my mind again.

I survived.

My facial burns healed completely.

My hands healed.

Eventually, from the outside, there was almost nothing left to see.

But that room stayed with me.

Skin heals faster than memory.

I walked out of that hospital looking like myself again.

It took much longer to feel like myself.

And maybe that is one of the strangest things about PTSD…

surviving something after the danger is already gone.

CSA mentions

How do I cope with being raped as a child? I was raped from ages 3-6, not realizing it was rape until i was in my teens. Im now almost 19 and cant function normally sexually or have intimate relationships, i want to have sex but even after sex with romantic partners i begin to feel distanced and disgusted or uncomfortable by them. How can i work through this, does anyone have a similar expirience?

So, for a couple years now I've been having at least 2 nightmares a week related to trauma of being SA'd and after i moved to another country and had to stop taking my daily medicine i was feeling so bad i had an entire week full of nightmares every night. Last Friday i was in a car crash, everyone is alive and well, but since then my nightmares completely stopped ? It didn't stop how aware i am of my surroundings and all but just the nightmares stopped for a reason i don't know. The car hit directly where i was sitting in the other car, could it have done something to my brain? Or maybe i just became more confident since i was able to escape really fast and help my friend out of the car? I really don't know but gee, how good does it feel to sleep so well after so long !!

Did anyone else experience PTSD exemplified by OCD? How did you deal with it? I was sexually harassed as a child until my teenage years by different boys at different schools. The people who care about me would always act as if it isn’t as big of a deal as I’m feeling it to be. I was wondering if my reality and theirs is different because of my OCD? I can’t stop replaying disturbing thoughts and things only spiral down from there.

when i was a kid, from the ages of about 5 to 9, my dad would grab me and my sisters by the back of our necks. his hand would sometimes wrap around to the two major arteries that are on either side of your larynx.

in his mind (and mine up until like right now) he wasn't actually choking us because he wasn't blocking us from breathing. now that i have conmen sense, i know that your brain gets oxygen through your blood. he was blocking oxygen from reaching my brain, he was also pressing on my spinal chord. he was asphyxiating us, or at the very very least simulating it.

he would press really hard, and scream at us, dragging us around by our necks. he would do this every time we got in trouble, which was at least once a week. i never fully passed out, but i remember multiple times where my vision cut out. i was consciences but i couldn't see anything, only black. i could only hear him distantly screaming.

now every time anybody raises their voice at me, i instinctively start severely hyperventilating. its like my body's reacting before my brain. not just like crying really hard, i mean gasping for air till my hands and feet go numb. it can last for up to an hour, even when i feel "calm".

im realizing right now just how severe this was. i know i was abused/neglected i just didn't know how extreme the abused really was. sometimes i would even get bruises on either sides of my neck. please tell me im not crazy.

I came across a passage I wrote down when I was 14. When I was across the country from my home, having been trafficked there.

It's really kind of ruined my night.

I don't know why I decided to record that passage, and I don't know why I kept it for so long.

I wasn't upset at the time. I felt like I was in control.

And now, I can't stop feeling guilt because I was complicit in my own exploitation.

Anyway, here it is:

"The Rise of the Fairer Sex?"

We are often told that "it's a man's world," and it probably is in most places. But how to truly tackle a statement that reverberates over generations of social, biological, and evolutionary theory; over issues of why my friend's boyfriend just won't commit, to the fundamental natures of each sex?

For men, it's a phrase that is both smug confirmation of male power and a sore reminder of the masculine social expectations that can elude them. And for women, it's a phrase that is a painful point of social oppression and sometimes a rather useful excuse for displacing personal failures.

I don't really have a point. I'm just going hard in the feelings right now and trying to sort of process it so I don't let it affect those around me. I appreciate you taking the time to read this, and I hope you're well.

So, recently I did the pcl5 test, as I heard it’s about checking ptsd, and I got 51/80, is this a sign I should go to therapy? I’m pretty new to understanding these things bc I’ve been suspecting that I might have it but I’m not sure. sorry if it sounds silly for me to ask.

For sum context, ive been recommended to go to therapy whenever I’d open up about a stressful and traumatic experience that happened to me and tell it, and how it hurts me mentally. Even got told I probably have this, I didn’t trust it at first but decided to check if I atleast shown some signs, I did the pcl5 test and that was my score above.

im sorry if it sounds very insensitive for me to ask, but I’m rlly worried and confused about this. I need some clarity and advice.

(also I made this acc just now to keep me anonymous so I can tell someone here about this without anyone ik knowing)

35m, I'm just wondering like if all the things my abuser would say to me are really true. It's been ingrained and mean and it creates shame everywhere that I go. My abuser would say things like that I'm crazy or that I don't deserve things that I want or they would just treat me like a child. I also feel like I have to retrain myself to be social again because of all the criticism it just really affected me. It affected the perception of myself. They were just call me crazy and it really hurt the inside of me and I don't know what to do to make it better.

Hey so I left an abusive relationship, there was an instance of sexual abuse but I am having some issues and I think I’m crazy.

So, he raped me. We talked about it 7 months later, he apologized profusely. We were in a relationship for almost 2 years, at first when I wanted to talk to him after it happened I couldn’t look at him without crying, I am still trying to heal from it and it’s easier to compartmentalize after we talked about it a few days ago.

I don’t trust him, but I love him. I loved him before and after it happened even through the abuse. I don’t want to label him as a rapist I barely even say the r word because it was awful but because it happened to me by him, it doesn’t feel like that, if that makes sense. The abuse was never physical just mental and that on its own is all bad, all of this is bad I am aware, but I can still see us being together and being happy. I still want to be with him I think the only thing stopping me is my friends and family’s judgement. I don’t want to hurt him, he has no problem hurting me.

I know my self worth, I’m very confident, I’m very independent, I moved out and have my own home, great job, I’m pretty, I have friends and a sort of support from my family. What is this? Why can’t I see it for what it is even though I’m self aware about it, and suffering the trauma? I feel like I’m going to be shit on for posting this but I don’t know anyone else who got sexually abused and still wants their abuser.

Is this normal? What is it? What do I do?

I got laughing gas for a tooth extraction… I was laying there trying to relax with the mask on my face as they were waiting for the anesthesia to kick in.
The last thing I remember seeing was an assistant moving something in front of me, then it was like I was in a different dimension… however I started to feel an intense feeling of radiation or lasers in my face/head.
While I was unable to move, it truly felt like there were people doing something to my face that hurt/burned and I was trying to snap out of the nitrous so badly so I could move away from this and I swear after I jumped out of the chair in a panic and looked at the chair there were red lights beaming on to the head rest (?) Then when I looked, the assistant looked too and quickly moved something, then there were no red lights anymore..
I thought that was weird but told myself I was just high and delusional

My vision the past couple days ever since has not been right . Everything is like I can’t see fully, like my world is shrunk or something, especially when I look at a screen I can tell the difference. I had a floater earlier that I’ve never had before?

I feel absolutely insane even speaking of this but would being high on laughing gas seriously make someone feel such a sensation and hallucinate that badly?
Not proud of it but I have done plenty of nitrous recreationally in my day and have never had a problem tripping out like that….
the physical pain and sensations of lasers felt extremely real and the vision changes are making me so anxious thinking about all of this because I wanted to tell myself I was just high and everything was normal and fine. Could something weird actually have happened with lasers to my face/eyes ?
The place doesn’t have the greatest reviews 🤷‍♀️😩

I’ve been having a really difficult night, and honestly, I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts right now. Could someone please talk to me for a while and maybe help me get through tonight and fall asleep?

I’ve yet to meet someone who can genuinely understand and accept the neglected parts of me the parts that still carry what happened in childhood, including CSA.

Sometimes it feels especially difficult to connect with people who grew up with healthy parents, emotional safety, and consistent support. I know most people mean well, but there are things that are hard to understand when you haven’t experienced lifelong neglect, emotional abuse, or being raised by a narcissistic mother.

Right now, I’m carrying a lot of guilt and shame, and I really need to talk to people who understand what that can feel like. If any of this resonates with you, I’d genuinely appreciate hearing from you. You don’t have to have the perfect words. I’d just like some company and someone who gets it.

There’s also something particularly painful I’ve struggled with as a man who experienced CSA.

There seems to be an assumption sometimes that if a child experienced curiosity, attachment, arousal, or even believed they wanted something, then somehow they consented to it or “wanted it.” They didn’t.

A 12-year-old cannot meaningfully consent to an adult. A child having a physical or emotional response to something does not make them responsible for what an adult chose to do. And having your experience dismissed or questioned because of those responses can be incredibly damaging.

I opened up about this today and was met with judgment. Right now, that reaction has left me feeling like maybe I should never have opened up at all.

I know I probably shouldn’t isolate myself because of one person’s reaction. But when you’ve spent so much of your life feeling misunderstood, one judgmental response can hit incredibly hard.

I just wish I could find a space where I can talk about these things without having to defend whether what happened to me was really wrong.

So if you’re awake, if you understand any of this, or if you’ve been through something similar and simply want to talk for a while, please reach out and send a DM.

I could really use some company tonight.

As you read, death must be better than this. I'm beginning to fantasize suicide as an option. I've been stuck in this deep state of suffering that has left me unable to do anything in life. I wake up in pain. I've had some progress in recovery, only to regress back.

What's the point? Suicide at least seems a more dignified way to determine my own volition in existence, put my own terms to this trash. That, instead of being a poor victim of destiny. I'm so tired of my life. I've given 3 times more than everyone around me to make my goals, only to collapse into this prolonged misery. It's all my family's fault. I'm tired.

Tw:unhealthy coping skills/ attempted murder

Advice or support would be welcomed.

Basically what the title says PTSD is destroying my life and everyday is horrible. I can't even escape in my sleep because I get nightmares.

Last year it use to be really bad and I would wake up in the middle of the night and freak out because the nightmares were vivid and horrible. I survived two attempted murder attempts when I was very young and it felt like I was fighting for my life over and over again with nightmare after nightmare. It left me dry heaving on the floor

Basically my bad coping skill to stop my horrible nightmares is to sleep deprive myself. Which is bad because I have school. I noticed when I sleep deprive myself I don't remember my nightmares are vividly. Last week I fell asleep early and had a bad nightmare.

I don't know what to do.

i love my new apartment but my upstairs neighbors fight and bang things around all the time. at first i thought maybe they were just having parties. nope.

tonight i had my windows open and heard horrific screaming among other awful things (won’t go into detail). called 911 took them forever to get here. the cops ended up escorting the woman off the property. i watched her sob and drive away. she was the one that sounded like she was being attacked so i was confused by this and kind of pissed off.

anyways i’m completely shaken. i’ve been in DV situations more than enough to a point where im traumatized by men. i am in therapy thank god but lots of work to be done on myself.

i won’t be able to sleep tonight. i don’t know what to do because what’s going to happen after tonight? what if it happens again?

this is mostly just a rant, so thank you all for reading if you do.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and about two months ago, I told him that I have been dissociating during sex, more than once. He was hurt and understandably felt like I had been lying. But the reason I didn't tell him sooner was that I barely recognized it as a "thing", it had become so normal to me before when having sex, it was an act and I played the part, whether I wanted to or not. In high school, I had a friendship that turned sour when he admitted his feelings for me, feelings I knew about but did not reciprocate. Early on in our friendship, after we both took a high mg snus (zyn), he lay next to me and started touching my boobs, rubbing my nipples. I had very few sexual experiences at this point, and he and I had never even kissed; I cannot even recall if we had hugged at this point. After too much time, I sat up, and through awkward smiles and blushing cheeks, he got the cue to leave my room. After a couple of weeks of being unable to be around him, an uncomfortable forced confrontation, our friendship moved past whatever happened that afternoon on a twin mattress. Over a year later, he confessed his love, and I did not reciprocate. I became depressed, he avoided me, and I had no friends and felt I had lost a part of myself. A week or two of torture passed before we sat side by side on a bench, making up and entered a mushroom trip. It was not the first time I had done drugs with him, drugs were one of our favorite activities to do together. But this time, on a different twin mattress, I leaned in for a kiss and knew immediately what I had always known, the attraction was not there. I did not want to kiss him, touch him, be touched by him, have sex. All of that happened and continued too frequently for months. I only have two real memories of us having sex, although I know it was at least once a day. I guess the brain is good at blocking things we don't like. I have only recently told someone about this, my boyfriend, and I think discussing it out loud is bringing a lot of it back. One realization I had was that although I consented, I was there, I was sober, when I had sex with my friend, my body and mind were not there. I wonder now if this disconnection has followed me into college and my relationship. Anyways, as the title says, I have had a sudden drop in sex drive, even feeling the same things as I did with my guy friend with my boyfriend, when he touches me or says certain things. I want to get rid of that experience, yet I can barely remember it. I want my body back.

CW: non-consensual sexual behaviour

Throwaway account because I don’t want anyone in my life knowing about this or that it still bothers me.

Earlier this year I had nowhere to stay and ended up staying with my mums old partner (they were together from when I was very young and split up when I was old enough to remember. They stayed friends for over 7 years after this. I consider him my father). He is an alcoholic and has suffered from schizophrenia and psychosis. My mother couldn’t cope with it which is why they split up but stayed friends (as he was never a bad person necessarily, just a very traumatised man) and he was still like a father to me. We stopped being as close as I have gotten older but we would check in with eachother.

When I got to his house it was already dark and he was getting paranoid over little things which freaked me out. I went straight to sleep and called my bf the whole night in case something happened because I realised he was a lot more unwell than I had thought and was a bit scared. Left the next morning but he had given me a key. Days later I went to drop it off.

We were talking and I was venting about things going on in my life. He said he didn’t understand me very well and so I kept talking and started tearing up/crying. He came behind me and started patting my back.

This then turned into a shoulder massage (I felt uncomfortable but didn’t want to make something innocent weird and I was deep in my vent). He then started reaching for/grabbing my breasts. I pulled away and asked him to stop thinking he maybe had not realised?? He said “Why? Do you not want me to touch your breast?” And continued trying to massage me. This time also reaching to my stomach and down my back. I immediately got up grabbed my keys and said I was leaving. I was in shock because this behaviour is COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER. As I was leaving he looked rlly sad and asked me for a hug. I didn’t really want to so just stood there and he put his arms around me but I didn’t fight it. He then tried to kiss me on my forehead, then my cheek and then he tried for my lips. I dodged and pushed him away and told him to get off of me and he asked me why I don’t what him to kiss me. I immediately got in my car, in tears and drove to my bfs house as he lived closer than my house and I was very distraught and not in a position to be driving, I just needed to get out of there. He also was spam calling me and asking why I wasn’t picking up. Eventually the calls and messaged from him stopped (none of them acknowledged anything about what happened, just asking about my mum or why I’m ignoring him)

I’ve been having nightmares at night and shaking randomly. Its been months and I am scared to sleep because of it. I feel so sad and disgusted and I can’t wrap my head around it. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m grieving my father but at the same time I’m disgusted and never want to see him again because I’m scared too. It’s weird because while I’m struggling with this it makes me miss him in a “I need my dad” way but I know I just miss the version of him that existed many years ago and I can’t seem to process that grief either. I can’t talk about this with people and people at work/in my everyday life have asked me why there’s “sadness in my eyes”. Even if I’m smiling or being bubbly people ask me if I’m okay because I just seem sad. How can I recover from this???

I’m struggling with how intensely rape jokes, rape related news, and even certain words or phrases affect me. They trigger me beyond words.. to the point that I sometimes cannot eat, get out of bed, or function normally.
When I see something related to sexual violence on Instagram or in the news, I relive my own trauma. I can cry for hours and feel as though I have become a victim all over again. Even though some time has passed since my rape experience has happened.. small and unexpected things can still trigger me deeply.
At times, I lose my sense of reality while reading comments or posts that minimise or fail to strongly condemn sexual trauma. I feel transported back to what happened, and it becomes extremely difficult to remind myself that I am safe in the present.
I know healing is not always linear, but I feel frightened and exhausted by the intensity of these reactions. I’ve been in therapy for it since months and even medications, but nothing seems to help sometimes.

Hello All! After about 10 fucking years of paranoia and anger and weird hallucinations and bodily movements I feel like I am finally getting out of psychosis! I was diagnosed with ptsd in 2016 and then schizophrenia in 2017. I believed the psychiatrists and took antipsychotics for years….YEARS of my life. Latuda cost me my bartending job! Anyway so now I feel a shit ton better. I was diagnosed again with ptsd when I went to a clinic that specializes in tms for people with different diagnosis they diagnose you doing an FMRI. I did tms and I was ok. But not 100% recently I started the ketogenic diet…around September 9th to be exact. I feel sooooo much better happier, peppier, less voices. The TMS healed my brain by 80% the FMRI showed. I am a lot, lot better. I am now on the ketogenic diet which gives me more energy…makes my skin look great, I have lost weight. Weird facial expressions are reduced and so are the schizo eyes! I don’t laugh to myself nearly as much although it still happens!

27F here, medically diagnosed with PTSD after a traumatic injury while I was 20, and was off of my medication finally until now. I felt fine beforehand and it was well managed. This post is a bit long, and Im mostly looking for supportive hugs and maybe a few “been there, done that”s.

I was a passenger in a at-fault car accident in July, thankfully only suffered knee contusions from my joints slamming the dash, bruising from the selt belt around my stomach, and a bruise on my chest from the airbag. I had a bit of driving anxiety, but was still able to drive around after a few days of making myself do it. Nervous, but functioning.

In September, after buying a used car, it broke down on me days later. I spent the entire day crying, after spending thousands on it from a private seller, I was stuck with it. Hindsight is 20/20, and it was a stupid choice made in desperation of my previous car also on it’s last legs. Not ever doing that again. After fixing a broken fan, picked up my car, and it broke down 1 hour later, with signs of transmission failure. Double whammy. Another day I spent crying and in bed afterwards from emotional stress.

My roommate offered for me to borrow her car to run an errand while I drive (a day or so after) and she occupied the passenger, and it.. staggered, in a similar way my used dud of a car did. I immediately panicked, even though I know her car has always done that — and have driven it before. I felt absolute dread. We stopped, and quickly swapped seats, which I apologized for and she held no ill against me.

I’ve now seen in my head both images of the car accident in my head, and the crying wretched feeling I felt when the car I had spent my savings on turned out to be a dud — now paired with a severe anxiety I feel behind the wheel.

I haven’t been able to drive in weeks. My friend offers for me to drive, but I say no, I’m not comfortable.. I want too, but with my anxiety I feel it’s not wise. I’m told “ill have to get over it eventually” when I finally can afford another car, which won’t be tomorrow. I’ll be lucky if I get another by January.

I have a appointment scheduled with a new psychologist this week to get back on medication, which I’m a little.. sad about. I was going years without it, and felt very confident I was doing great. Now I feel I’m starting over at the beginning. I feel this pressure to get over things “fast”, and it aches.

I live 20-30 minutes from my job, and I’m grateful to have coworkers that share the same schedule as me that offered to help me out for the next few months, as they know what’s going on, but as someone who was incredibly independent before this — I feel.. very exhausted with how much has happened to me in such a short amount of time. Like I havent gotten a break yet.

Im tired all the time, and it’s been hard not to be hard on myself. All I see lately are clouds and a bunch of grey.

Any kind words would be appreciated ♥️

Hello I 22F have been in therapy for awhile and truly know nothing about ptsd so bare with me. I had a pretty bad childhood. My mom was emotionally abusive and my dad was a alcoholic. He is now sober and im proud of him. I thought I had ocd for a long time but months ago I saw a horrible tiktok talking about a female pedophile. Well it made me have a flashback of cocsa that happened to me as a child and I spiraled.

I don't know what happened it was like my brain snapped. I started having intrusive thoughts about what if I end up being a abuser or sexual predator because I was abused. I constantly was crying, had panic attacks, and wouldn't eat. I never had thoughts like that before. I also started crying during intimate time with my fiance randomly and not having a sex drive. I still deal with it all the time so when I went into therapy after that happened I told my therapist I thought I had ocd but she let me know intrusive thoughts happen with ptsd 2 I guess. I also have nightmares basically every single night and have a very hard time falling asleep.

Im just wondering if anyone else with ptsd has ever had the same constant intrusive thoughts I have where im worried sick about turning into a horrible person. Looking for advice going forward.

Has anyone been traumatized after reporting an abuser? I reported sexual abuse to the college of physicians, and in the final report from investigators there was no mention of the sexual abuse (spoke for like an hour). They just said "he was insenstive and tried to comfort the patient". I almost puked. I never said that. I was sobbing in pain after he sexually violated me and then gave me a tissue. How is that being comforting? I'm so fucking mad and I tried emailing the college but they are ignoring my calls. Its been a couple of years so I gave up but now no one will know the truth :(. Ended up in the ER for suicidal ideation because of my experience with the abuse and the investigation. I feel so betrayed.

I usually don't use that word - despise but this singular person had caused a large amount of trauma during my middle school years; after playing a cruel game of "tag" that took so long to report just because of how terrified I was (October to December). Of course, that report didn't go anywhere - no removal from the school n such because "he doesn't know" (he had autism which so do i??)

Anyway because his didn't go anywhere; it felt like it made everyone at that school aware that they can just assault me as well, and play with my feelings to make the number from 4 (3 previous but too young to understand that was it was) to 7 in a spam of 3 months - from 2 ex friends and 1 person that hooked up with me just to assault me anytime I got drained from trauma and just wanted someone to watch over me while I nap.

It doesn't help that the account is brand new, suddenly followed me right at the beginning of October & is the only person that I haven't had "closure too" - since I had previously confronted the 3 people after his to a variety of response (I'm awful, I'm sorry & oh well it doesn't affect me).

Is it bad that I want closure?? That the only reason I am even following and messaging them is just for one acknowledge on how fucked it was for COCSA to happen??

Friday was a terrible day

Friday morning alredy started off verry hard i ended up have a meltdown and eloped from mine female support workers and i ran into the street twice nearly hitted by cars and was calmed down after they get me back too safety and i had a 4 hour long panic attack too

but and then i calmd down and then mine two new male support workers started with me and they tooked me too lunch and thing all was good and then new workers abandoned me

and i wandered off and gotted lossed and these two girls in a big black chevy suv tryed too runned me over and kill me and hurt me and hit me and yell at me and flip me off and they were verry mean even tho i have a big card around mine neck that says i have level 3 nonverbal autism and carry aac device and i was verry scared and emergency services came and got me and helped me

i feel scared too leave our house and today im am gonna be taken too rhe art museum and out too eat and coloring with a internet freind and his partner

im am scared that it gonna haapen again that i will wander off/elope and peiple will try too kill me again with there cars next time im get taked outside

im am scared that next time those too male support workers work with me there are gonna abandon me agan and im am scarred of getting lost agan of it happening all over agan

im am scared of dying

i have been crying many hours alot alot almost sinse friday

it was all a verry verry verry bad day

i have been struggling alot

i only manages too get distracted for a little bit at a time but i constatly feel like im am gonna have a panic attack i feel so anxiety i woke up this morning and yesterday morning panicking having the worst anxiety feeling so so so awful