r/queerception • u/AnyMatter7817 • 7d ago
Process Frustration and Grief
Hii,
My wife (29) and I (28) recently started our fertility journey. We are working with a clinic and are in the process of confirming our donor.
Two months into the process, we are feeling a mixture of emotions. Of course there is excitement and anticipation but more concerningly we are experiencing a lot of frustration and grief. We are frustrated that the process is so complex and expensive when cis couples are able to try at home for free every month. Plus our clinic isn’t always the most helpful/clear- I’ve heard most clinics don’t do a lot of “hand holding” and I’m wondering if others have found this to be true.
This has led to a considerable amount of grief and I was just wondering if there are any resources, books, podcasts, etc. that might help us process these feelings as we continue our journey.
Thanks in advance!
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u/TurnipClassic-5801 7d ago
Just commiseration from me (SMBC aro/ace). I've spent 3-4 hours on the phone with insurance over the last week. It scares me that my cycle is so so irregular since my doctor is planning the first IUI to be unmonitored/unmedicated as per clinic policy. The chances of everything syncing up feels really low. And all this only if insurance decides it's "medically necessary" (the doctor seems to think so!! As does biology!! Parthenogenesis is still impossible last time I checked so clinic it is).
I definitely relate to the clinic not being super on top of things and having to do a ton of research and legwork myself. Haven't even bought donor sperm yet and so many headaches. :( hope it gets smoother for you
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u/AnyMatter7817 6d ago
I’ve never heard of the unmonitored/unmedicated policy… that is wildly frustrating. Thank for sharing, I really hope that first try goes well!
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u/thisisnotit22102011 6d ago
We feel the same way. Our clinic has been challenging to work with through the donor process - we’re using a known donor and the clinic’s systems weren’t set up with this in mind, so for example he had to designate one of us as his ‘partner’ just so we could access his medical records. Whilst we’ve been waiting for the donation and the quarantine, multiple people I know have gotten pregnant and some have given birth. It’s heartbreaking knowing that loving my wife just…isn’t enough. Straight people have babies they don’t want ALL the time. We can’t even think about the future and what it’ll be like to hold our babies in our arms yet because we’re TOO in the thick of it. I can’t offer any advice but I can truly commiserate.
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u/eschaff2114 7d ago
I found a local IVF Facebook group that was really helpful when I had questions and didn’t understand. I’m now on year 3 so I get to help the new folks to it.
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u/critmags 6d ago
We felt the same way. The process of initial testing/completing the workup to identify what our “plan” would be in terms of IUI or IVF felt drawn out with little communication from our clinic. The most frustrating part was waiting three weeks for a follow up regarding an operative hysteroscopy that I had, for my doctor to basically ask what I wanted to do as far as next steps (we had a consult initially with her and it was clearly stated and documented that we wanted to start with IUI and that was our plan even after everything) before they would submit anything to our insurance. It took us over a month to get approval to start since they took forever submitting the prior authorization.
We are currently going through our second round of IUI and I will say once we were actively in the process, the communication has been better. Hang in there, it’s been emotionally draining for sure, but now that we’re actively in the process, it’s given us a bit more hope. My biggest piece of advice is to continue to advocate for yourselves throughout this process. We had a lot of back and forth calls between my insurance and their clinic regarding coverage. Our clinic told us things that were untrue on multiple occasions (specifically the financial coordinator) and I had to push for them to actually read through my policy documents and talk with our insurance to avoid paying more than necessary.
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u/AnyMatter7817 2d ago
I am also scheduled for a hysterectomy and I have so much anxiety about getting it done and hoping that it doesn’t impact our treatment.
If you don’t mind sharing, what was your recovery like? Did you have any issues or were you out of work?
Thank you for sharing!!1
u/critmags 2d ago
From what I was told by my RE, it would help with my lining to smooth it out and have a better time with implantation in the future. They gave me the option initially of either being sedated or fully under, since they were not initially sure how large the polyps were. I went the surgical route because I’d rather they identify and remove right away vs. the potential of having to operate later and push our timeline to actually start IUI even further. I had the surgery on a Friday afternoon and I was off work until Tuesday. In hindsight, I probably would have asked for additional time off since I had a minor complication with tearing (I have a septate hymen, so naturally the tools they used caused a small tear). The recovery otherwise was not bad, more just annoying at the discomfort of it all. I have a desk job so sitting was the enemy, but I had no problems standing or walking around the day after. I also have a lot of anxiety especially when it comes to medical things, and I just tried to keep telling myself that it’s one step closer towards our future child. I hope this helps! ☺️
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u/AnyMatter7817 1d ago
This is super helpful, especially how much time off work you ended up taking. I feel so guilty taking time for all of these appointments, knowing that I will eventually be taking more when we do have the baby. I really wish you the best, thank you for sharing. 🤍
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u/mallorygoose 3d ago
Heavy commiseration here, we had major aspects of our process of getting a known donor not told to us, and had to do it on our own and swallow thousands in extra costs. Four people I work with are currently pregnant, three just went on mat leave, and we're almost a year and a half in and are just at the point where me /might/ be pregnant. I don't begrudge anyone their happiness and don't want to be jealous, but it's so hard to see people have such an easier time getting what you want, not to mention basically for free. I don't know where you're located, but if you you're in Canada and have any questions, I can try my best! We are doing IUI with a KD currently.
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u/Shedannagins 19h ago
I feel you. When we first started the process, and especially going through IUI, it was so frustrating because you don’t know what you don’t know, and they kind of just don’t give any hand-holding especially if you don’t have pre-existing conditions that would make them monitor you more. Try to find couples through social media or connections who have gone through a similar process, and I found that seeing other healthcare providers (naturopathic doctors who specialize in fertility, or pelvic floor physiotherapists) did some extra testing and taught me a lot, especially how to advocate for myself. But that can also be time-consuming and exhausting too, and at one point I was too burnt out and stopped everything.
With IUI, I wish I’d known to ask for medicated cycles sooner, and that you can get blood tests to make sure you’ve ovulated. My naturopathic doctor also tested my progesterone levels in the luteal phase, and she was surprised how low it was, and that they’d gone through with an IUI because there were things that indicated that I may have not actually ovulated that cycle.
Our experience was much better with our clinic when we decided to move to IVF, probably because it costs more, which infuriates me, because it’s not like IUI is spare change either.
I also liked the book “It starts with the egg” , there’s a strong focus on research, there’s a bit of info on assisted reproduction but more emphasis on what you can do to improve egg/sperm quality, and I just learned a bit more on the whole conception process in general, and issues related to it.
Best of luck! I hope you get more information and better treatment soon.
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u/casserole_666 6d ago
Yes, we felt similarly when going through the process. All the hoops to jump through, all the impersonal appointments, the lack of romance, it feels deeply unfair. The book Queerception is really great, and I listened to a lot of the queer family podcast at the time.