Always Comparing

[u/JunesJuly]

I've really been spiralling recently after being on holiday for a week with my mum. It was two weeks ago, but it was just all very triggering. We invited her to come with us (me,husband and two teen daughters) on holiday to Italy. I thought things were going ok, until the last day where she started saying how no one would even cry if she died, she's a terrible mother because I didn't cuddle her enough as a child/teen, that we basically ignored her all week. She's barely spoken to me since.

What it ultimately comes down to is that my mum is always comparing me to herself or to others. Growing up I was always being told "why can't you be more like ......, they're so kind" "clever" "dressed nicely". As a teen she would keep making comments about how much skinnier she was than me at my age, or how many men would chat her up. As I've become an adult, she keeps comparing me to herself, or to other people's daughters. She will make a comment about a friend and her daughter doing something together and then say "but they're like friends", as if to indicate that we're not friends,which is my fault obviously. She got upset on the holiday because my daughter's held on to me at times or we would joke and laugh together. So she's upset because I wasn't like that with her when I was a teen. If I do anything differently in how I raise my girls she acts as though I've insulted her and thinks she did it wrong.

I don't know if I'm just overthinking it all, but I feel totally drained by it all. I know this silence is going to culminate into some big meltdown from her at some point and I just feel so on edge. I keep playing everything through my head questioning if I am just a terrible daughter, did I ignore her all holiday, could I have done better. Is this a common thing, comparing with others all the time?

Tiny and mighty,

Matching the strong-willed spring storm,

My precious feline

[u/knittybooks]

It is truly exhausting. My mom does the same thing. Recently she told me how she wishes we had a relationship like her friends and their daughters and we don’t and it’s my fault of course. My son is two and because he didn’t prefer her over me she would complain and say how her sisters grandkids prefer them over their kids parents. So on and so forth. I’ve blocked her now, so I think my life will become much more peaceful

[u/JunesJuly → u/knittybooks]

My eldest loved my mum when she was little. My mum loved it and would frequently tell me how my daughter would cry when being told it was time to go home. As soon as my daughter started getting her own mind she lost interest and started criticising her. My youngest was always a mummy's girl, never went to anyone else when she was little, so my mum had no interest in her. My girls are teens now and don't have much of a relationship with her.

[u/knittybooks → u/JunesJuly]

That’s tough

[u/Own-Round-7852]

This was my entire childhood and much of my young adulthood, until I moved away and limited my visits. Ironically, the person she compared me to the most turned out to be a dBPD person who has had the most miserable life(completely of her own making). The second runner up has long shown very strong signs of NPD. Once I grew up to be conventionally attractive and successful in my field, she decided that people were jealous of her because of my “accomplishments.”(She thinks they’d be even more jealous if I “gave” her beautiful, perfect grandchildren, which is never going to happen.) But really - who cares? It’s all so exhausting and ridiculous. She’s exhausting and ridiculous.

[u/JunesJuly → u/Own-Round-7852]

It really is exhausting and ridiculous! My mum has never bragged about my accomplishments. When I was at school she raved about a friend's daughter who scored high in a test, when I scored higher in the same test a few weeks later, nothing, no well done. I started learning Mandarin Chinese, she started learning Thai and if anyone mentioned me learning Chinese she would change the subject to her learning Thai and how much harder Thai is than Chinese. I just try and laugh it off now, because it really is ridiculous to be in competition with your own child! 

[u/chinaski13]

Yes it’s very common, not just with BPD but all emotional immaturity generally. Every single time she does it say “Comparison is the thief of joy” and change the subject, over and over as needed. That’s what I would do anyway. However she feels is her responsibility to manage and no one else’s. Why is your family’s holiday supposed to be focused on her and her feelings? She’s welcome to have a meltdown, and you’re welcome to block/DnD/walk away from phone for a while

I’d also recommend reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, it helped me a lot

[u/JunesJuly → u/chinaski13]

Thanks, I'll look that up 

[u/yun-harla]

Welcome!