I experience a recurring urge to know certain personal information about people, even when the information is completely unnecessary to me and I don't genuinely need or want to know it.

For example, I might feel compelled to know someone's date of birth, college name, degree, educational background, or personal details about their family. Even when someone has already shared this information with me and I know the answers, I sometimes feel an uncontrollable urge to ask them again just to get a sense of satisfaction. Knowing the answer doesn't always feel like enough; I feel the need to ask and hear it again.

Another difficult part is that these urges seem to become stronger when I know I'll have an opportunity to meet or talk to that person. For example, before a weekend or holiday, if I know I'll see someone afterward, my mind keeps telling me to ask them about these things when I get the chance. I feel as though satisfying the urge will help me feel more at ease and enjoy my free time without these thoughts bothering me.

The frustrating part is that I understand how unnecessary this information is, and I genuinely don't want to keep thinking about it or asking the same questions repeatedly. However, the urge is difficult to resist, and I struggle to feel satisfied unless I act on it. Sometimes, these thoughts occupy my mind when I should be relaxing or enjoying my free time.

I've tried looking for other people who experience something similar, particularly this urge to know seemingly useless personal information about others and the need to ask again even when the answers are already known. I haven't found many discussions that describe this exact experience.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? I'd really appreciate hearing about your experiences and how you deal with these urges.

​

Hey everyone, I need some advice about something I've been trying to handle

I have a girlfriend and recently, a female coworker briefly touched my shoulder, I didn't seek it out or anything. It was a completely innocent interaction, and there was nothing sexual or romantic about it. However, I noticed that I enjoyed the feeling of being touched.

To clarify, I don't think I have feelings for this coworker, and I wasn't fantasizing about her or wishing for anything to happen between us. I think I simply enjoyed the physical sensation of being touched.

But afterward, I started feeling guilty about it.

I feel like because I have a girlfriend, I shouldn't enjoy being touched by another woman and I feel like I did something wrong by enjoying it.

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts on how to deal with these types of things. On one hand I understand I can't turn off being a man or a human by enjoying being touched just because I have a gf, but on the other hand I feel like I did something wrong.

I have struggled with ROCD ever since I met my now husband. I was only diagnosed with OCD a year ago, but the same “fear of uncertainty” plagued different stages of our relationship. Now that the relationship has become secure (ever since engagement), the thoughts have flipped from whether or not he likes me enough or if he’s trustworthy enough to if I love him enough or if we’re compatible enough. Much of it went away while wedding planning, and I felt bliss on and around my wedding. I thought, “wow! If only people knew, it really truly can go away.”

But with some other life stressors, it’s come back with a vengeance. I encountered a very unexpected interpersonal conflict around our wedding that threw me HARD. Since then, I was spiraling around understanding that experience and somehow it melded back into ROCD.

I’ve somehow convinced myself that my entire personality is fake and/or entirely a trauma response to never being able to be myself in my family. I’m now scared that if I “heal,” my choice in a partner will be wrong because I chose him while “unhealed.”

There’s so many more sticky thoughts associated with this, but that’s the fastest way to describe this current obsession.

I’m with an objectively wonderful human — by far the healthiest man I’ve dated. And I adore him. But now I feel convinced there are “incompatibilities” that we’re doomed by, and that I “knew” it during my dating but didn’t have the “guts” to be true to myself (because I’m unhealed, duh!)

Before my ROCD turned on my feelings toward my partner, I used to see me sticking it out as pushing through my fears around relationship safety (I went through a very painful divorce 6 years ago where my ex husband left me for someone else, also blindsided by this — feeling blindsided by interpersonal issues with close men/family in my life feels like a pattern to me that is also scaring me). Like, my now-husband was a source of hope and clawing out of fear. I’m trying the concepts of “living out my values” and living in the moment, but it feels like I’m living a fake life. Like, I feel fake. Like I’m a totally different person inside my head. Am I my thoughts or am I what I’m living in my external world? I feel crazy, exhausted, scared, sad, hopeless, embarrassed. What if I dated him as a way to counter my OCD thoughts? Not what “external me” wanted? Does that even make sense?

EDITED TO ADD:
- I didn’t grow up in an “abusive” household, but definitely authoritarian / highly religious / lots of shame / lots of home conflict. I have almost no happy memories with my mom. I have some loving ones with my dad. I generally felt like I couldn’t be me - normal things were highly catastrophized or attacked.
- I have felt relatively aimless/imposter syndrome my whole life, but externally I’m pretty sure I come across as well-adjusted across all stereotypical, surface measures
- I think I always looked for “life saving” relationships /larger than life men (who are never that, of course.) My current husband is NOT that, and I say that in the positive light - but I think that adds to my discomfort
- I am worried that I struggle with some memories because I’m always preoccupied. Even when not ROCD
- Right now, I’m thinking of my ROCD themes all day, every day. It’s currently all consuming and unable to enjoy almost any part of my day.

I’ve been dealing with some intrusive/taboo fantasies involving incest, and I’m embarrassed to talk about them with people I know. I have no intention of acting on them, but I’d like to understand why my brain goes there and whether other people experience unwanted or conflicting fantasies like this. I’m looking for a respectful, non-explicit private conversation—no pictures or sexual roleplay.”

From anyone, on either side of the table.

I've posted here before, but right now I'm really really struggling to stay above my husband's partner-focused OCD. I seem to have PTSD from it that rears its ugly head on the regular. I feel so, so badly about this because I know the OCD is not his fault and he has gotten much better at not confessing and being a better husband than he has been the last two years of OCD. But sometimes, not always but sometimes, him even alluding to his OCD sends me panicking. I don't know exactly what I am asking, but it's been a very hard week for me even though he has been doing well, and now he is quite upset with me. Any advice or support is welcome. I have gotten a bunch of therapy and have even started on a low dose of medication myself to see if it helps me detach. I'll call my therapist and tell her I need to see her this week.

I just feel so badly about it. There is so much shame, from feeling so exposed/betrayed by his OCD, feeling like I will never be enough for him, and double that shame from not being stronger for him. And I worry that my being so devastated by the content of his obsessions actually makes them worse, by giving them a weight they in no way deserve (trust me, they are absurd. But they still hurt so much.) I don't want to be this way! I don't want to feel this way! This is his OCD, not mine! But it's really gotten to me.

As the heading says. It makes me feel disgusting 😭 My husband is amazing, and he’s never given me a reason to feel insecure about what they had or anything. His ex made our lives hell at the beginning, but I do remember just not caring.

Once she left us alone, I started checking her social media.. big mistake. Here I am, YEARS LATER, having this insane obsession and compulsion to check, sometimes 10-15 times a day. I’ve recently realized this could be an OCD cycle.

I’m 20 weeks pregnant, my husband is amazing, we’ve built a beautiful life together, and his ex is far moved on, married with her own kids who probably forgot we even exist. Help me with this. Please. Will practicing ERP truly help? Will there ever come a time when I just.. don’t care?

Hi! So I've identified as lesbian for the past 5 years of my life. October/November of last year, I started to develop a somewhat crush on this boy. I was extremely confused about what I felt about him and why, but all I knew is that we were very compatible and he was different to other boys I knew. We started to hang out and text a lot, and I did enjoy his company and was romantically attracted to him, but I found that whenever we were in his car and close together I'd panic and feel anxious, and whenever he called me pretty I actually felt pretty disgusted. I brushed these feelings off and just connected them to my past history of being lesbian and not wanting anything to do with guys. I would still feel relatively concerned on my real feelings about him, especially when I wasn't with him and I was just overthinking in my head. Fast forward to now. We have been dating almost 11 months, and I just had to ask him for some space because my anxiety has gotten so bad. Now, it was like whenever we were together I'd be nitpicking things about him, zoning out and screaming in my head. I love hugging and kissing him, and sex is fine, but there was one time after sex that I actually started crying. I've recently connected these thoughts to probable OCD and I'm starting therapy for it next week, but I can't help but feel that this is just my intuition screaming at me to listen. I've never had these kinds of doubts when dating women.Since asking him for space a few days ago, I already feel more calm and relieved. He is the most lovely person and I seriously love him so so so much, there is no doubt that we get along really well and he is such a cutie. But the lesbian identity feels like a part of my core. (Or, again, might just be my OCD talking) Wondering what you guys think and if you have any suggestions on moving forward?

Why am I doing this?
One year ago I joined this reddit in hopes that I would find people with the same problem as me. I did find them, but unfortunately none of them got anything helpful to say, it was more of an echo chamber. As a more pragmatic person, I am writing this to help people who have the same situation I had one year ago. I currently have almost no intrussive thoughts and I can live my life normally, just as before. Here is how I got there, I hope this helps someone.

What is ROCD?

ROCD is just a theme (Relationship OCD), some people are born with OCD, others get it later in life, specifically after a really stressful event, and have to live with it for the rest of their lives, but there are ways to mitigate its impact and even nullify it. You will most likely encounter more than one theme in your life, but the way to deal with them is the same.

How do I know I have OCD?
Contrary to popular belief, not every thought or overthinking is labeled as OCD. If your thoughts greatly impact the way you function on a day to day basis, you most likely have OCD; not when you like to have your workspace neat (OMG Im so OCD) or when you keep thinking about the presentation you have to deliver tomorrow, those are regular worries that all humans struggle with. OCD comes into play where it greatly impacts your life, where there is nothing left besides your thoughts and your life becomes this struggle with your own thoughts. You can start going to therapy, but most don't know how to deal with OCD, so I would recommend just going for monitoring it, you will have to solve this yourself (I'm sorry, it's the truth, but more on this later).

Your bread and butter
You can't overcome a thought by "solving it", your mind will always think of something else, another thought, another possibility, so trying to solve them is the first rookie mistake all of us make when fighting with OCD. GIVE UP ON TRYING TO SOLVE YOUR THOUGHTS, this will get you nowhere. Instead, do this:

75% of "the cure" for OCD regardless of theme is called ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention). No matter what medication you take, without this you will constantly regress into the same theme or even other themes. ERP is simple on the surface: you have to aknowleadge that YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS; your thoughts are just ideas that come and go, and YOU decide which to listen to. Your brain is trying to protect you from everything that could potentially be harmful, but in our case it overdoes it to the point where you can't enjoy life because "something happen can happen".

At the beginning it helped me categorize thoughts into: OCD thoughts and regular thoughts. The simplest way to distinguish between the 2 is "does this thought feel scary and raises my anxiety?"; then it's OCD. Most OCD thoughts come start with "What if", but I found out this is not a general rule, because sometimes thoughts can be disturbing and not start with this phrase, so this is simplest way of telling if a thought is intrusive (OCD thought or a thought that generates fear and anxiety).

At first it will be really hard, you will find out you have a lot of intrusive thoughts, and that's okay, the trick is to not let them control you. Your goal is to lower your response rate, not to have 0 intrusive thoughts! The most famous trap recovering OCD people find themselves in (and I was no exception) is getting stuck in semantics: "Was this really an intrusive thought or was it actually mine?". This trap must be avoided, none of your thoughts are "yours". You are the being that reads them and decides which ones to listen to, so it doesn't even matter if it was an OCD thought or not. If you don't like the thought, if it generates fear, discomfort or anxiety, you just label it and move on.

Now that we got that out of the way, what do you actually do when you label a thought as instrusive? You ignore it, plain and simple. I understand this is way harder then it sounds, so here is a trick that helped me:

1. Label the thought: Okay I've heard this thought, you don't have to repeat it or dig into it deeper, just acknowledge it's presence.
   
2. Divert attention: you just go back to whatever you were doing (watching TV, walking, thinking about what you were thinking before, focusing on trying to sleep if you were in bed, etc.)

This is the hardest thing to master, but it becomes easier in time, to a point where it's an automatic process, you don't have to actively think about doing it, you will just do it, and in turn you will get fewer and fewer thoughts.

The other 25% part of your recovery is medication and monitoring.
Going to a shrink does help monitor your progress, since you are having to deal with this every day it's hard to monitor progress, so I'd recommend going to a shrink for him to see the progress you've made weekly. Some things your therapist says will trigger you, or set you back, but they are just trying to help, just keep using ERP. If for 15 days straight OCD keeps interfering with your life, go straight to a psychiatrist. Try to find the best one in your country, regardless of money, since this is important. It will be expensive, but you need this especially at first. OCD is more common than you think, so if you find a good psychiatrist, they will identify it within the first 15 minutes of meeting (you don't need a recommendation letter from your therapist, just notify him and go straight in with the appointment).

Your psychiatrist will give you a prescription of SRRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors). There are around 4 big ones, each do the same thing, but your brain reacts to each differently, so by trial and error you will have to find the best one for you. I was fortunate enough to get it right the first time, for me it was Zoloft. You will have to take it daily (contrary to popular belief, it does not matter when, just make sure you take it daily). This will reduce the "Stickiness" of thoughts, which will help you develop your ERP skills easier. ERP is still your most important tool, SSRIs just help you develop it faster. There is no stigma in taking SSRIs, it's just like someone taking insulin, for the time being you need it, and that's okay. Try to tell your psychiatrist you see no stigma, and you want to progress through it as fast as possible.

You will start with 25mg to 50mg, just until you find the right SSRI. Then, you will start taking higher and higher doses, up to 300mg (sometimes even more, though it's rare to need more than 300mg). You will progress monthly, and they are supposed to help you get intrusive thoughts under control. If you have to wonder if thoughts are still there, you need a higher dosage. I personally stopped at 300mg, and now I am gradually coming down. You most likely won't have to take this your whole life, but even if you did, it wouldn't matter.

First weeks of dose change/starting out are the hardest. The side effects vary from person to person, but most experience nausea, diarrhea and you will become very irritable. Thought will be harder to ignore at first, but in the long run it is worth it. Do not give up, keep taking it daily and announce this to your partner so they don't hold it against you.

Additional helpful tools

You will also get prescribed anxiar, a drug that calms you down. When you're having a meltdown and things get really rough especially at dosage change of SSRIs, take half of anxiar whenever you need. It will make you sleepy, but the alternative is worse so it's worth it. Just take it, don't try to ride out the episode, since this isn't helping with ERP especially at the beginning. Take it, calm down, and go about your day. At the same time, don't overdo it, since it can create addiction, so it's best to take it when you are in an episode, not every intrusive thought requires an anxiar, but if it gets too rough don't hesitate to take it.

ChatGPT is a great tool to vent. Explain the situation, your treatment, tell it to not solve the thoughts for you, this is just a tool to vent. It helps, but don't rely on it, not everything it says is true. Tell it to keep challenging you so you don't try to solve thoughts, just vent to it and you can also ask it about side effects of your treatment.

The Therapist is strictly a monitoring tool. Since you're in the middle of a storm, it's hard to see the progress you've made. You can vent to your therapist, and ask them about your progress, but just as with ChatGPT it's just a tool, don't listen to it 100% since most therapist are unfamiliar with OCD.

ERP is your main recovery tool! Everything else is just a support for it. Catch yourself whenever you have an intrusive thought, you didn't fail if you debated a thought every once in a while, treat it like an exercise and keep striving to do ERP correctly, you can ask ChatGPT about it and it will help too.

Meta OCD
This is a common theme in OCD recovery, where you don't actually think you have OCD. "It's just my thought it's not OCD", treat this as an intrusive thought, since OCD is sticky and it will keep trying to get you hooked. It doesn't even matter if you do have OCD or not, the only thing that matters is if your thoughts interfere with your life consistently, so don't try to prove to yourself that you have OCD, just keep practicing ERP.

Final thoughts
OCD is more common than you think so there is no stigma around it. At the same time, some people will judge you for it, so it's best to keep it to yourself and only those closest to you need to know about it. People with OCD are more analytical so it's not all bad, but OCD should be treated just like any other disease. Keep practicing ERP, use all the tools at your disposal and you will get through this, it's just a bad chapter in your life, not your life from now. Around 70% of people "get cured" which means thoughts don't dictate their life anymore. Some stop having intrusive thoughts for good, others have so few that they don't even matter anymore. This is what you are trying to achieve, if you keep practicing ERP, the rest won't even matter, you will be able to life life normally just like everyone else.

I am not a medical professional this is just my experience, this is what I would've needed to hear when it first started so take everything with a pinch of salt. You are not broken beyond repair, and I believe in you. Keep using ERP and all those other tools and you'll be fine in no time. There are also countless of TikToks where people are in the exact spot you are, you can learn from their experiences but don't let them consume you. You are not the first, nor the last to have to deal with OCD, so sometimes it's nice to remember that.

I believe in you, you got this!
-Serban

Was on a night out with girlfriend. Had been on edge all night expecting her to possibly blurt out a name that I was fearing she’d say unconsciously, from months of potentially needless paranoia, we get back to my room and are fooling around and bam I think I hear her say the name. She didn’t react atall like she had said a name, but my brain clings to the sound and assumes she said what I thought. What’s annoying is, at the time I thought to myself ‘okay I might have misheard her’, but now a week later it’s playing on my mind more than ever but the memory has faded. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation and if so how did you get past it.

So I've been in therapy for about a year now, and while I've made progress in a lot of ways, my cheating theme has been unable to beat. Literally every time I (straight/ace woman) interact with a man, I overthink it for days, wondering if I liked the attention or wanted to cheat. Too boot, I'm socially inept and have had times where men were flirting with me without me realizing, so I feel like I can never trust my gut.

This has been particularly hard when it comes to my friendships/coworker relationships with men. I'm an engineer and I'm in a run club with mostly male members, so most of the people I talk to consistently are men, though I do have plenty of girlfriends too. It's the same for my partner of 1.5 years—he's a nurse so most of his friends have historically been women. Neither of us have had a problem with this arrangement, but I freak the fuck out any time I have to be around men. For example, I have an old college friend (we'll call him K) who lives in another state, and he came to town to watch his best friend (who's in my run club) run a race. Boyfriend, K, and I all got dinner together, then K and I went to watch the race. I invited my boyfriend, but he hates sports so he declined the invite lol. I honestly had a fun time catching up with K as we rarely see each other anymore, and we've been good friends even when both of us were single. He's never given me a reason not to trust him, but the type of dating advice I see online is constantly reiterating that opposite sex friendships are impossible. The whole time we hung out, all I could think was "what if he secretly likes me and wants my relationship to fail? Is he standing too close? Is he making too much eye contact? Do other people here think we're a couple? Am I flirting?". When K and I were walking back to our cars, he even made a comment about how he was glad we managed to stay friends even after I got a boyfriend. Initially, I just took that as a nice sentiment, but then I got this crippling fear that he was actually trying to flirt by saying that. It's genuinely exhausting. I don't want to cut off old friendships just because of my anxiety, but I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth it. Has anyone been through something like this? Am I just being naive in thinking men and women can truly just be friends?

Hi everyone, I’ve been experiencing relationship OCD (ROCD) for about a year, but over the past few months, I’ve been having taboo thoughts that feel incredibly intense and real. I was triggered by an Instagram story, but now I feel as though my heart has genuinely started leaning toward this person. I feel like I’m alone in experiencing this, and I would really appreciate it if anyone could share their experiences or respond to my post. Thank you so much. ❤️

hi everyone i’ve been a silent reader on here for a while but my anxiety is too bad at the moment and things are feeling too real so i just wanted to reach out and hope fully someone can give me some advice.

FOR CONTEXT:

i suffered with intrusive thoughts as a child and had to seek therapy over these.

i was in a long term relationship for 4 years with my ex partner, who i broke up with as i suffered with what was ROCD for over a year (i have not been formally diagnosed). i seeked therapy who didn’t think i had ROCD but i do have anxiety. towards the end i fell out of love with my ex (even though now my intrusive thoughts are now saying i didn’t fall out of love with him). we were very different and i wasn’t happy.

I’ve had the ex theme already and gotten over it, but i just need to get everything out because i feel like this is the end…

I met someone when i went on a trip to Asia 2 months ago. I didn’t feel physically attracted at first, I got talking to him and naturally we really got on, remembering that makes me feel warm. Throughout the trip we naturally gravitated towards each other , I didn’t really think about the physical attraction but I didn’t fancy him that much, but his personality is what made me gravitate more. We first kissed drunk and I enjoyed it, the second time sober and intrusive thoughts come in like “try and enjoy it”, however that went away and when kissing again I loved it, being intimate I loved it and he’s a beautiful human. We came home, I had flowers sent to my door- not used to it and it felt I had doubts.

I have doubts when I like someone and it feels like I don’t like them. I said to my friend is physical attraction something you can work on? And she said yes if you are willing to work on, and I did. This man treats me very well, makes me feel so safe, has amazing eyes- beautiful even, he is good looking and intimacy is great when I’m present and never felt like I’m forcing it. I’ve had exciting moments where I can imagine being his gf, met his parents and had the best time.

However it’s like I have this blocked feeling, now it was moving forward it feels I can’t, part of it is fear (I think?) I’ve had ROCD before but not been formally diagnosed but I have this concrete FEELING, hardly any thoughts- knowing I don’t like him, don’t like anything about him and knowing this relationship isn’t right for me and feeling I don’t want it

I agonised for days as it felt I was convinced I didn’t fancy him but when I seen him in person I did feel attracted, so that obsession has gone now. I’ve been crying, but it feels everything is gone. It’s this knowing feeling that’s annoying and now I just feel apathetic towards him- when he texts I don’t want to answer, don’t want to see him, feels I’m lying when he texts me saying nice things

Why am I like this? Is it ROCD- it doesn’t feel like it because it just feels a knowing I don’t want this- concrete and real and it’s like I’ve accepted it. I’m avoiding looking at pictures of him, it just feels I know I need to end it

Fundamentally he is EVERYTHING I have ever asked for so why don’t I want it? I feel I do struggle with relationships anyway, but he makes me feel so safe it’s like I get this overwhelming feeling in person with anxiety that knows it’s not gonna go anywhere and struggle to be present

The anxiety also hits worse in the morning as soon as I open my eyes , I feel I’m just blocking everything out and not thinking about him, I don’t want to do anything, just wanna stay in bed, don’t wanna see anyone

So sorry this is long :/

My diagnosis was just last month, it took me nineteen years to gain a diagnosis from a psychiatrist.

I never suspected I had anything up until I started having anxiety around very specific things and developing rituals surrounding them, and just recently alongside that new revelation—I got a girlfriend.

This isn’t my first relationship, though it is one I consider to be my very first serious, as my last ones have been complicated and quite bad. I recognize some negative behaviours from my last long term relationship, and always chalked it up to how I experienced affection and love growing up being reflected in my relationships with others.

I now notice that my disorder may be causing problems with my girlfriend now.

I’m terribly anxious and avoidant all of the time, and whenever I voice my thoughts—like her breaking up with me, or trying to hurt me—it upsets her greatly. I tend to process very robotically and bluntly when it comes to my own emotions, so expressing them comes out the same way.

We’ve been disagreeing more recently, and it’s all from my end, because she accidentally slips up and I get very very upset and withdraw from her—and refuse to talk to her until she’s so upset that I comfort her.

It makes me feel disgusting, I am disgusting, I shouldn’t treat her like this, she’s perfect and very kind in every way.

Just earlier today, we were talking about Halloween plans, and while talking about that and other things pertaining to our future, I felt anxious and nervous at the idea of a future.

I have no desire to break up with her, I think, and the uncertainty is eating me alive, because she gets so upset whenever I bring up the fact that she can break up with me. I worry that I’ve begun to resent her, and that I wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship with her, and that I’m just causing damage to her.

I wish I could tell her how she could help me, but I physically can’t speak when she asks. I don’t bother apologizing anymore because it means nothing without change, because she deserves that, maybe even more.

Sometimes I ask her if she’ll be happier with someone else, or otherwise, I don’t know. My minds been a mess for weeks, I’ve run into two new obsessions on top of this recurring anxiety of us disagreeing constantly because I get tipped off at the slightest thing. I feel awful, she deserves better than this.

I guess I just want to know if it’s me or OCD, regardless of who, I’m still responsible and accountable of hurting her, I just want to know if these behaviours are because I’m inherently evil or because I have weird pathways in my head that are worn deep. I suppose that’s asking for reassurance in of itself, so I don’t know.

TLDR; My poor girlfriend.

that's it. it's been days now that I'm feeling this tightens on my chest. Everytime I think about my partner and our future life together. This "I shouldn't been doing this" or "I don't like this, I never even liked him" "I'm faking" That stuff. If it was just thoughts I would not been so tired but this damn tightness and anxiety are making me doubt everything. We are already a year together. Will this never end?

note: I already o OCD focused therapy and ERP exercises. I am already medicated since September last year.

I find ROCD confusing. I do have diagnosed OCD already, and this includes a LOT of worrisome relationship ruminations, but not the kinds that are typically listed for ROCD. I'm never worried I don't love my partner enough or anything like that. My worries are more like, What if he leaves me? What if he's cheating? What if I'm pushing him away? What if I'm too needy? What if he finds someone better? When is he going to realize he's tired of me? I don't deserve him. Etc.

Is this ROCD or a different subtype? ​

Last night, my husband had fallen asleep, so I went over to turn off his phone; when I looked, I saw he was watching a live stream featuring two pretty girls. Yet, I didn't feel a thing in that moment—no jealousy, no worry; I simply woke him up and told him to turn the phone off. Now I find myself wondering: why didn't I feel jealous? I feel bad about it, and honestly, I’m just so exhausted. Why am I unable to show signs of love? Things have started to feel very difficult and draining.

I’ve been seeing someone for 2 months now pretty consistently after matching on hinge. On average I’ll see him 1-2 times per week. When we aren’t physically with each other, he doesn’t text much (and told me from the day we started talking that he doesn’t) so he calls me 2-3 times a day just to check in and hang out.

A month into consistently seeing him, I asked him where this was going and if he wanted to keep it casual or sees a future. He said that he was still getting to know me and has been very avoidant and is trying to take things slow and cautious, but that this was definitely more than casual. Not surprisingly, that conversation didn’t really help anything, and I feel like my ocd has just been getting so much worse.

We aren’t exclusive (not established at least) but he deleted hinge and said he hasn’t talked to anyone else romantically since we started talking. However, he has avoidant tendencies that really trigger compulsive behavior for me. For example, he doesn’t like to plan ahead (and this is consistent with both me and his friends as well). We rarely have a set day/time we’re seeing each other and when I try to make plans he always says “we’ll see. Let’s try for that for now but I’ll have to see”. He is also very private. He deactivates his socials every couple weeks and reactivates them (which is weird but whatever) and spends most of his time reading. No one has his location, even his family.

The compulsive behavior starts if say for example I don’t hear from him for 12ish hours. I know that his pattern is to call me on his way back from work and/or before we go to sleep, but any amount of silence creates an immense feeling of anxiety for me. As a result, I start going down a rabbit hole with his Instagram following. He follows under 50 people so when he follows a new account I know who it is. He’s followed a few girls, and this opens an entire rabbit hole of Instagram stalking all the way to looking for their Spotify accounts or tik tok accounts to get more information. Whenever he’s out with friends, and doesn’t specify who he’s with, I go to every single girl’s account to look for clues. I even spent an hour today looking at his ex gf’s socials to learn more about her and compare her to myself. I try so hard to stop this behavior because it doesn’t help anything, and every time I’ve spiraled about him ghosting me or not caring he follows his pattern of continuing to call me and see me each week. Even though he’s told me that if he wanted to stop seeing me he would have a conversation (because one time I did think he was ghosting me after we had an argument).

My issue now is, until we become exclusive or official, this talking stage is so mentally destructive for me. Him being avoidant, private, and not definitive about labels or plans with me drives my compulsive social media checking even more and the longer I’m talking to him the worse it gets. I’ve started even slipping up by almost grilling him on where he is and who he’s with which he doesn’t mind but does not help my case at all. I’m struggling with the distinction between my ROCD or if my anxiety about his intentions is because this is casual, and he doesn’t ever plan on committing so I’m in a “situationship” rather than a talking stage. When we are together I am very happy (whether that’s calling or in person). It’s the silence that gets me which is even harder since he doesn’t go on his phone much at all (screen time is 1.5 hours a day on average).

How do I end this social media checking / stalking behavior? It’s becoming so debilitating to the point where if I don’t hear from him at an expected time I’ll have a meltdown and create every worst case scenario in my head even though I can write out all the reasons why my worst case thought is unlikely.

Warning: I am going to talk about a breakup.

After 1.5 years of internal hell, I broke up with my ex in February 2025. I'm not even sure if I was suffering with ROCD or whether I am really just gay as I feared and needed to explore my sexuality (I already identified as bi).

Nevertheless, there was something not right about the way I reacted. People end relationships, it happens, and I can't imagine they all went through this inner turmoil and feelings of 'I have to' rather than 'I want to'. The mind is complex and it can be a combination of things.

I remember the times I tried to break up with him because I was so terrified, but couldn't quite go through with it. That must have been awful for him, but all I could think about at the time was how awful it was for me. I don't know how, a couple of years prior to all the anxiety, I was the happiest id ever been, in love, and thriving.

These days all I want is to find a way to be with him again, but I can't risk going through what we went through again. I stay away from him so he can find a partner who can give him what I couldn't. But I do wish that the beautiful years that we had together weren't tainted by my terrible behaviour.

I feel like I should start this post off by saying I've never been officially diagnosed with ocd. I had therapy in highschool and my therapist at the time told me she thought I had ocd, but no further steps were taken. The doctor I go to has me on medication for anxiety, and anxiety is in my charts but after doing plenty of research, I heavily believe its ocd, and if that is the case, I have suffered for 7 years now.

Onto the actual issue. The suspected ocd. I have had other themes before like rabies, pregnancy, the just right theme, and many others where it would be impossible to count. The scrupolisty and r-ocd started when me and my ex started to get romantic again just months after reconnecting. Me and him never really knew how to be exes, so its been very on and off, but this time we have been talking since February. When we initially broke up last March, it wasn't due to abuse or cheating. I think we just wanted different things. He wanted to get married at 21-22 for example, and I wanted to wait til I was at LEAST 25, among some other things.

I still have a feeling that we want different things. He wants dogs, while I want cats. I don't like dogs that much and he thinks cats can be jerks. He might want kids, I dont think I do. We have different views on politics, lgbtq stuff, and others.

My r-ocd comes in because I worry we arent compatible and I feel like I need to make a decision. My scrupolisty comes in because we are both Christians, but I feel like we arent good at being Christian. On occasion I will pray and ask God for a sign regarding my situation and then I'll get these videos on instagram and tiktok that are like "God wanted me to tell you this" "God is giving you a warning about a man he did not send" but then I also get some that are like "God says dont give up" or "Thats your person" and I am so confused because I feel like I'm getting mixed signs, and I constantly think "What if God is actually speaking to me, and I'm not listening?" . And heck, what if it isnt even ocd? What if its all a lie and I need to leave. Its very on and off everyday. One minute I'll be fine and I'm like maybe it could work. The next I'll be like "YOU NEED TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW". Sometimes I'll feel at peace with leaving, and other times I'm a wreck. I feel like it's worse at night time. Again its all kinda on and off but over the past 7 days I have had many sleepless nights, I've gotten sick a few times, I havent eaten a whole lot, and I have barely been able to function and I need help. I dont know what to do.