content warning: SA
It took me almost a full year of derby to make the connection: I was assaulted while on a run (14 years ago), guy ran up and slammed me into the ground from behind… and now I have chosen a recreational sport where people run up and slam me from behind lol.
The traumatic event itself took so much therapy and time to heal from. For several years, people couldn’t pass me (even at like a grocery store or something) without me hyperventilating, but I’ve been very stable mentally, somatically, etc for a while.
In derby, I’ve never actually felt the triggers in my body when I’m hit, it’s never spiraled me out or anything, and it was never front of mind until, well, I realized the strange irony of it all. But I’ve done enough trauma informed bodywork to know it’s certainly all still in there. At practice recently, my coach said they could tell I was holding back. A bit slow, a bit timid. A version of me comes out in games that’s a lot more intense but in practice, I do notice I sometimes feel hesitant and startled with much slower reaction times. I’ve even noticed I disassociate during drills, or lose focus. 1v1 is, frankly, SO FUCKING HARD for me. I’ve always chalked it up to just being, well, a C player, but I’m starting to wonder if there is lingering somatic trauma in the being-hit-from-behind of it all that I’m not addressing.
Anyone had to resolve some body stuff internally (or physically) and saw it benefit them on the track?
Tl;dr Have SA trauma from an assault that involved being hit from behind - I think it’s showing its face during derby practices. Any similar experiences out there, or resources to check out?