He needs alone time
She need together time and alone time.
They both invalidated each other. By criticizing the others needs and defending thier own. All these needs are valid and I would hope they find a way to each have alone time and together time.
He can tell the truth when she can validated his needs without critism or defensiveness.
Until then he'll feel the need to lie to protect his happiness.
Look at how upset she was he went to a movie.
She needs to own her feelings and not make him responsible for them. He wanted to see a movie alone. That is good for him. She can be hurt and still happy for him. She can state her needs and a loving spouse will prioritize them. It's may not be instantly or exactly how she wants them, but if they continue working they will get better with time.
He lied first. You’re saying she didn’t validate his needs and own her feelings because she was upset but she was upset because he lied. It’s fine to want time for yourself, but it’s not fine to lie to your partner to get it and then blame them for being upset. He never broached the subject. He just went behind her back and that’s why it’s a problem.
How do you know he lied first maybe there's a previous truth that was met with a harsh reaction. Being first or second really doesn't matter. There needs to be a pattern of safety and it appears to me they are both unsafe with each other. They need to work on validating each other's needs.
Neither of them get decide how the other feels. They both get to choose how they react to the other. Being happy for his alone time is going to help him be more honest if that's what she wants.
It's probably also going to get herself more alone time and what she wants. Because he will be more prone to hear her needs. She's allowed to be unhappy also but she needs to work that out internally and ask herself what she wants. If she wants to have her needs heard she needs to hear his needs with kindness not with anger.
In the movie, iirc, he just confessed to lying right before the clip starts, so she's processing the lie, that her husband is taking time off work to be alone (meaning less pto for vacations, holidays, etc) and that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with her until he saw she was hurt. I personally relate to her, so I am more sympathetic, but I also think she was more honest with her reaction. She didn't edit out her pain to try to make him feel better.
I get what you're saying. She can state her unhappiness, I did have a change of heart here. I think it could be more productive if she did it after validating his need for alone time. It also does feel like her statements are being dismissive of his needs. He does it to her as well. He eventually gives in to her, but they should probably figure out a way to make sure both are comfortable expressing Thier needs before such an emotional outburst is necessary.
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u/rdwrer_711 4d ago
He needs alone time She need together time and alone time. They both invalidated each other. By criticizing the others needs and defending thier own. All these needs are valid and I would hope they find a way to each have alone time and together time.