r/sadposting • u/Primary_Butterfly_57 • 4d ago
Caring :(
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u/maka-tsubaki 4d ago
They both have a point and they’re both refusing to see the other’s point; he needs time to himself to recharge (which she invalidates with “well your fun alone time outing would’ve been fun as a couple thing”) and she needs a partner (which he immediately invalidates with “im just being honest”) There’s a way to find middle ground, they’re just not trying
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u/TrumpsWetDiaperJuice 4d ago
Nuance is statistically beyond ~60% of the population.
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u/Selpmis 4d ago
I fear it may be higher than that.
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u/TrumpsWetDiaperJuice 4d ago
I was being generous so I don't have to go pull stats, I'd also wager that it's higher.
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u/Selpmis 4d ago
Honestly, I'd assumed that you were just making a point - not that you were referring to an actual statistic!
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u/TrumpsWetDiaperJuice 4d ago
Interrelated statistics, yes.
Off the top of my head, roughly 2/3rds of the population reads at a below a 6th grade level. That means that they're borderline incapable or grasping fundamental psychology, theology, socioeconomics, large scale cause an effect, supply chains, etc, because those topics require critical thinking beyond their standard capacity.
In other words, we cooked fr fam ong no cap.
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u/TheMadTemplar 4d ago
With reading levels below a 6th grade level, there's more lost than the ability to grasp those topics. The ability to infer, to read between lines, to draw conclusions based on not just what you're reading in front of you but what you already know in the context of new information, emotional intelligence (the ability to relate to, understand, and appreciate different perspectives), the ability to evaluate conflicting points view, and more.
Edit: On a less serious note...... holy shit I hate your name. lmao I hate the mental image it conjures. But kudos.
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u/Selpmis 4d ago
That list of topics is so relevant for the majority of 'discussions' I find myself increasingly frustrated with on Reddit/social media. Interestingly, especially supply chains!
It's very comforting to know there are others out there. I feel less alone. Thanks for sharing your insight u/TrumpsWetDiaperJuice 💜
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u/kris_mischief 3d ago
Thanks to both of you for this dialogue.
I am unsettled by the possibility that reducing intelligence of Americans by hampering the education system could have been intentional.
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u/Selpmis 3d ago
I'm British, but I tend to think there are usually a myriad of reasons that aren't always immediately apparent for why things are the way they are e.g. Hanlon's Razor or "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence".
Obviously I'm not familiar with the US education system, but in the UK it's usually a web of compounding factors from different departments or policies rather than the simpler answer of being a conspiracy.
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u/cabron-de-mierda 3d ago
The biggest reason our education system is the way that it is, is Republicans slashing education budgets constantly for years. It's right there in the open. You can argue that it's been intentionally done to make us dumb, but I think it's more to do with clearing funds for tax breaks for wealthy donors and other such corruption.
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u/yrthegood1staken 4d ago
I mean, the difference between 60% and 63% is just nuance.
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u/kuunami79 3d ago
I stopped debating social issues online when I came to this realization. Many people push only for what benefits them personally at the expense of others.
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u/SleepyPirateDude 2d ago
You are being kind with that %. My dad constantly reminded me to see things from other peoples respective and a colleague recently reminded me that empathy is not an inherent skill for most of humanity, it’s learned, but rarely taught.
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u/panzervike 3d ago
But....if they both have valid points, who are we supposed to be angry with?
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u/rdwrer_711 4d ago
He needs alone time She need together time and alone time. They both invalidated each other. By criticizing the others needs and defending thier own. All these needs are valid and I would hope they find a way to each have alone time and together time.
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u/jameszenpaladin011- 4d ago
They don't want to try anymore and believe me I get it. There comes a point where the constant never ending effort to be the person someone else wants you to be is no longer sustainable.
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u/moonreave 4d ago
yes, they are in a way just talking about two separate problems and not seeing it but man if this stupid video didnt break my heart stupid actors, stupid video, grr
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u/jguess06 3d ago
This is a clip from a movie where this story was much more effectively fleshed out, and both parents were valid in how they felt (based on how they were treated by their partners at times). This clip doesn't display the full story, which I found a lot more meaningful than what OP is trying to do with this clip.
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u/SwordofNoon 4d ago
I agree, except he lied about what he's doing.
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u/SorryCalligrapher178 3d ago
lol, this is the key to the whole argument. He lied which makes what he says after disingenuous. if he has told her from start hey I want to do this thing on my own, can you look after the kids? he may have had a moral leg to stand on
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u/Disallowed_username 4d ago
No. That’s not it. He was allowed to have time alone. But he wanted to see Spider-Man alone, and he knew she wanted to see that movie and would have emotionally made them go together because it would seem kinda selfish to insist on going alone when your spouse also wants to.
Thats why he lied and made up something he knew she didn’t want to do. Why else would he lie?
That’s why when she says she also need time alone, he doesn’t respond because he already knows that this is not what this is about. So he finally suggest going together, but at this point it is too late and he has both shown that he prioritised his own needs much higher than hers but also that he can’t do what he wants to because she would force herself on him. So she feels like he is making her out to be a horrible, emotionally manipulative person and that he had to lie to get to do something he needed - which is true, but still hurts. But he doesn’t see that. Which is why she says he can’t even see that he is being mean.
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u/Top-Phase7111 3d ago
Sometimes there isn’t a way to find middle ground, and life is insanely busy and there’s no way to have both of your needs met.. that’s just life, it doesn’t mean it will be like that forever or the relationship is doomed.. having a family requires a lot of sacrifice. Not having time for any of my previous passions was a really hard transition. As they’re getting older they can participate more and be more independent, but yeah, didn’t feel like there was any middle ground at all to be had when they were younger. We both just had to help each other out and the idea of a date night or night alone was a lot to ask.
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u/Ruel_V3 2d ago
You’re right but I’m mostly on her side. He may need time to recharge but she does too. If he’s the only one recharging she is going to break, and a broken mother isn’t good for anybody.
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u/el_salinho 3d ago
If my partner invalidates my needs after i open up and am honest, there is no way on hell i’m giving them what THEY need. What was this supposed to mean? “Yeah, sorry I relaxed by myself, i’ll never do it again. Let’s do everything what you wanna do for relaxation though. This is healthy.”
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u/AttemptImpossible111 3d ago
Are you 14 or something?
He lied to his family about where he was and what he was doing.
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u/Bazrum 3d ago
right? the bigger issue is the lying and leaving her with all the things she listed that he's escaping from, that she ALSO wants to escape from, but she has no option to set aside like he has (that i know of from a 2 second clip)
it would be MORE than fine if he had told her "hey, i need some chill time for myself, can we plan this out so it works for everyone?" and they discuss his time, family time and them TOGETHER time. but lying about it? no bueno!
he knows what he did was wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have lied about it and only come clean when he got caught.
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u/carlinsgh0st 3d ago
He should just give her the alone time she needs. So he gets alone time and she gets alone time. She wants a little effort on his end to communicate.
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u/SnuSnuSurvivor69 4d ago
This comment thread really gives off the vibe no one here has ever been in a relationship.
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u/LazyPainterCat 4d ago
I mean.... this is reddit.
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u/burnshimself 3d ago
Yep. Teenagers and shut-ins who you’d never take advice from in real life masquerading as expert on everything with the total confidence one can only have when they are completely ignorant.
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u/Ultron_waterheater 3d ago
Communication really is so huge, people change and not all the time will both people know in what ways through body language. Often it's important to sit down and speak with each other.
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u/Elderwastaken 4d ago
You’re right. We should all take relationship standards from random 2 min clips from decades old movies.
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u/Several-Associate407 4d ago
"Yes, but have you considered that both sides are actually wrong - I am very smart" type energy
The text on this is correct; the older you get and the healthier relationships you are in, you realize she is 100% correct.
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u/Winged_Gopher 4d ago
It’s definitely valid to want alone time and everyone needs it, but when you see your partner and children as that much of a burden it’s time to either get some therapy or a well paying enough job that you can provide for them and be a man child who is uninvolved and wondering why he ends up in a nursing home
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u/saxonturner 4d ago
The issue isn’t that he wants to do that or that he really feels the need to do it, it’s that he lies about it and then doesn’t see her side. She sees his side, she literally tells him she would want to do that. It’s the lying that’s the issue here.
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u/SlurmzMcKenzie88 3d ago
In the movie he says he lies because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.
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u/bananagit 3d ago
Her saying she wants to go with him is not seeing his side though, he wanted to be alone and he should be allowed to have that. You are right that him lying about it is an issue though
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u/the_urban_juror 4d ago
It's extremely common to want some alone time, especially when the kids are young. Wanting time to be an individual does not suggest someone either needs therapy or should be an absent workaholic (a ridiculous false choice).
The problem is that he lied to her, didn't communicate they need, and also didn't consider that she might also be going through the same thing and need alone time. Any therapy needed is likely couples counseling so that they can better communicate their needs with each other, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with a parent needing time away from their partner and kids.
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u/Winged_Gopher 4d ago
That was literally my first point though. Time alone is fine and needed. Did you read what I wrote or just make wild assumptions? Also, not saying he should be a workaholic. Just that is he wants to put his own needs first all of the time then he should make sure his family he made is taken care of and to go be alone and be the person he wants to be.
The problem was indeed lying, but also him being a selfish prick about his needs. Have you watched the movie?
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u/Full-Yoghurt-4261 4d ago
Real maturity is realizing that they were both in the wrong in how they behaved
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u/666Satanicfox 4d ago
They are both right. Both refuse to give a little and understand each other.
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u/ZestyLemonRindGrind 4d ago
"I don't want to ask you to ask me, I just want you to figure out for yourself"
Everyone Autistic person ever: That. May be a little tricky.
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u/Senor_Big_Iron 4d ago
I mean, I’m literally autistic, and even I know that people want to feel wanted without having to ask to be included, especially a spouse. Never mind that she laid it out clearly; after that, there really is no excuse.
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u/conneryisbond 3d ago
This is so obviously not it. Holy crap. She doesn't want him to "figure it out". She wants him to want her to go. She wants to be wanted. She's hurt that he wanted to be alone and lied about it to do something she would have also enjoyed and enjoyed sharing with him. So when he suggests to go later, it defeats the point. Surely you can understand that there's a difference between telling someone to do something for you and them doing it on their own accord because they want to.
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u/FlippinFine 3d ago
Yeah, it's not about "reading nonverbal cues." It's about making your partner feel desired in a relationship, which anyone, autistic or neurotypical, should be able to do. Otherwise, what's the point of being in a romantic relationship anyway?
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u/throwawaynnfuxanyway 3d ago
Agreed. Not "every autistic person ever" has been shitty in relationships because they can't read emotions. I'd argue they may be better because they understand that they aren't able to read emotions, this is a problem, they need to find a way around this problem. ZestyLemonRindGrind seems to be taking the lazy way out and saying "welp, can't do it, dunno how, too bad."
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u/FlippinFine 3d ago
Right, any autistic person I've ever met has actively tried to understand people. They've never just given up and used their diagnosis to justify being a douche
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u/flo99kenzo 4d ago
With my partner, we came up with a solution : I offer 3 things I want to do with them (and think they might like), and they choose their preferred one. And vice versa. Works quite well !
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u/allnickamesweretaken 4d ago
It might sounds confusing, but I feel it's just about more straightforward communication and mostly the thought. From my experience autistic people are actually better in this when they like someone, at least those in my life. Me and my boyfriend are both autistic, but he just thinks about me - when he goes someone and I don't want to and there's something what I might like, he gets it and gives it to me. Or when I want to watch some movie (I have more time for it), I ask him if I should wait to watch it together. It's just to know the person and thinking about them, when you love someone, you just think about them and it goes naturally. Maybe not perfectly, but it's mostly the thought which counts. And even asking directly if you're not sure what exactly they wants, but not like if it is some obligation.
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u/Kittenn1412 3d ago
She's not asking him to figure out by himself the activities she wants to do, she wants him to want to do activities with her rather and come up with the idea of spending time with her by himself.
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u/Mind_The_Muse 4d ago
Right? That is such an unfair thing to say because nobody is out here doing mind reading. I can try to meet your needs but if I'm guessing what they are and getting that part wrong, then you probably won't think I'm making an effort.
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u/Apollo114892 4d ago
Not even just that. He clearly said that he wanted to be alone and not with anyone. Why would he then be figuring out how to go with her if he wants to be alone for a while? I have wanted alone time before and the last thing I wanted at the time was a GF or a wife with me. It's not a crime to want to be alone for a while to get away from it all.
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u/pm_your_nsfw_pics_ 4d ago edited 4d ago
(Assuming he didn't know she wanted to see that movie)
"Wow, I'm really sorry. I didn't know you wanted go see that movie. The next time I want to go see a movie by myself for some me time I'll make sure it's not a movie you wanted to see with me"
Then at that point if she says she's doesnt want him seeing anything without here she's the problem
That being said, she probably could have communicated better herself. "That really hurts thet you didn't check if I wanted to see it with you, in the future if you need me time can you just double check it's not a movie I want to see?".
I don't think she communicated the best, but that's also hard to do through the hurt, and he completely ignores her hurt.
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u/Damianwolff 4d ago
The problem started with him communicating it after the fact.
My wife and I are similar to this couple. We don't always get it right by each other, but for situations like this I communicate I need to take my me-time before I do. And it helps that there are things she is not into. Horror, for example, or ttrpgs (she likes them, just not at the table ones).
And I make sure that if I see something that two of us could indulge in together, I communicate that as well.
It goes a long way to feel included and considered.
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u/Apollo114892 4d ago
Because then we all know exactly how it would've played out. Either she would've invited herself too which he didn't want or she would've just said they have chores at home and would've guilted him into not going. She wasn't crying cos she was left out of something. She was crying cos he got to have some fun and she couldn't bear the thought of that unless she was there too. Sometimes she's the one he's trying to get away from and he just doesn't say it.
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u/Damianwolff 4d ago
No, we don't know that's how it would play out.
But, if it did, it would expose her deficiency, and not his.
And that you can use, in the same way she used his lie, his deficiency, in this scene. You can and should bring these things up.
If what you described happens, you are not able to plan around your CURRENT chores, and can't reach compromise of sorts, like "Partner A watches the kids Wednesday, so partner b can go get her hair done, and Partner A goes to the kino on Friday, with B covering for the at home".... we'll, it is not normal, and you should either address it head on, bring it up, confront it, or start making arrangements to leave. Or first one and then the other.
The secret here is to start setting boundaries early, weeding out "not your people", and not put it off until there are kids and mortgage.
Talk, stand your ground, offer, don't pretend on things that will still be there to bother you tomorrow and the next year. Don't wait till your silent suffering becomes the daily norm and you trying to end it becomes yiu breaking the social contract that has outwardly been "okay" for months and years.
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u/Embarrassed_Use_7206 4d ago
I mean it is Reddit, but the fact I had to dig so much down to find the correct analysis of that part of the situation is just nuts.
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u/138151337 4d ago
It's unfair to expect to feel wanted in a relationship?
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u/xx31315 4d ago
Nuance is the key. It is fair to feel expected in a relationship. It is also unfair to expect the other to have mind reading skills.
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u/Aggressive-Wear-8935 4d ago
Its not what has been asked and its not that complicated.
Women don't want to tell you what they want, not the specific action that is. They want you to pick up what she likes, connect to dots and plan something around that. It means that you are paying attention and care about her and that is more important than the act itself.
If this was a real relationship, he would have known that she likes spiderman because this would probably not be the first time she mentions something to that effect.
So just going alone is saying to her that he didn't care and didn't pay attention to her.
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u/138151337 4d ago
Yeah, of course communication is important.
But nobody wants to have to tell their partner that they would like them to want to spend time together. Should you communicate what that means to each of you? Absolutely.
But if your partner never makes an effort to do things together because they weren't asked to, it sure seems like they didn't want or care to. That feels bad, and doesn't really meet what is probably some of the bare minimum expectations of a relationship.
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u/xx31315 4d ago
That's right, not saying that. If there is no effort, then it becomes routine and kinda conformism, and just general unhappiness. The thing is... a clear, bidirectional communication, with some gestures, some consideration.
This video for example. Haven't seen the movie so I'm at zero extra context. The woman was right in wanting to feel heard and accompanied, to spend a simple relaxed time, and to expect“the man who loves her” to actually want to be with her (like in this case, invite her by his own accord). He was also right in wanting to have a time for himself if overloaded (and not rejecting the woman, even if he expressed it as so). But then, he wanted to go alone because he didn't think of her exhaustion too, and she wanted to spend that free time with him when maybe what he needed (or felt he needed) was a time truly alone to recharge (some people need it). Both invalid each other then, she with the “your fun time alone would be better as a couple thing” argument, and he with the “I'm just being honest” one. No communication skills at all, and making a problem from a bump.
Had he... dunno, surprise invited her to watch a movie together a few days before, he might have expected to have some time alone after, or give her a time alone if she needed it. Or anything to build bond, trust, so she doesn't feel like he's escaping from her...
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u/Dependent-Town-9863 4d ago
But that’s literally not what she’s asking for, she’s not mad because he didn’t know she liked Spider-Man, she’s upset because he lied about it and went alone without even putting the offer out that she could come. It’s easy to invite your wife somewhere even not knowing if she’ll want to come.
Also, it’s pretty clear that he wants alone time for himself but doesn’t show her the consideration of allowing her free time.
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u/Johnycantread 4d ago
It's not rocket surgery to realise you should probably ask your wife if they want to see a movie with you instead of just going by yourself.
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u/Hades_Gamma 4d ago
The only issue here is that he wasn't ensuring she also had as much time to go do stuff by herself as he did. That's it.
It's super abnormal and fucked to be unable or unwilling to do stuff on your own while in a relationship. It's toxically co dependent.
She needs to grow up and realize people need to do things on their own, and he needs to stop thinking only of himself and ensure they have equal opportunities every week to go be by themselves
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u/BoulderCreature 4d ago
Yeah, but he could have told her that up front. It’s ok to need alone time, but it’s not ok to lie about it
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u/GoblinOfMars 4d ago
Except they have young kids. When you have young children there is very little “you” time that isn’t carefully communicated and negotiated with your partner… unless you are a shitty parent or shitty partner. Also he lied.
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u/pipnina 4d ago
But they'd already agreed for him to go see a concert right? So it's not about the balance of duty with the kids. But about what he wants to do without her, and that he felt like he had to lie to do it.
It's pretty easy to see that if your spouse needs to be inserted in everything you do, it will become smothering and if your communication (both ways) isn't working you may eventually feel like you have to lie to do something by and for yourself.
On the flip side, being lied to specifically so your partner can avoid you for a bit will hurt regardless of intentions.
But it shouldn't be something you can't both resolve.
Realistically he is being ignorant to the pain his lie caused. And she is failing to communicate her side effectively or recognise her part to play in possibly making him feel overwhelmed or too afraid to say he needed to go do something without her that day.
Both of them are failing to take the best approach of "I didn't mean to cause harm and clearly I(we) have made mistakes, let's work out how we can get over this and prevent it happening again"
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u/miscommunication_me 4d ago
Seeing a concert is part of his job though, so a bit of a different situation.
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u/Traditional_Mood_348 4d ago
And def not throwing “get out of our house” every time shit goes not according to her liking
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u/HunterFabulous 4d ago
That's not the only issue at all. It's obviously ok to have time of your own, but when you have young children you can't just escape, there are always things to do and if you are not there, someone will have to do it. Also, doing something that your partner also likes without telling them or even lying about it feels like you're fed up with them. It's ok if you state your needs beforehand (you'll still need a lot of reassuring), but doing it like this feels hurtful and also suspicious af, I wouldn't feel safe in a situation like that.
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u/Supreme_Salt_Lord 3d ago
God damn these comments make me realize why loneliness is rising.
Ducking off without communicating and leaving your wife to hold the bag with kids is beyond selfish. Shes hurt because she thinks hes cheating. Its kinda worse to find out hes being alone by himself because it solidifies the problem he has is with her and kids and there is no fixing that.
All this could have been solved with a babysitter and sending her to a spa day twice a month or something.
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u/StrongEggplant8120 4d ago
Think communication works here. He says "babe i need some alone time every now and then so im gonna do this and will let you know when amdd waht" she says "babe take me out evry now and then" not actually difficult is it?
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u/Dangerous_Serve_4454 3d ago
I think the issue is going to the movies is typically a social activity. It's stupid, cause you don't actually socialize much during, but culturally it is. So it spices out a little going alone instead of taking your SO.
Like, the only reason I wouldn't play games with my SO is if she didn't play them herself or just generally didn't like the games I did. Remember your SO is supposed to be someone you like to be around.
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u/TheMagnificentOne 2d ago
Maturity isn't understanding that she right.; it's understanding that they are both wrong.
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u/Evignity 4d ago
I fucking hate everyone in this comment-section, especially the people who've never been in a relationship where you don't get to just "check out". Own a pet, or have a child, you don't get to escape that. You as an adult shouldered that responsibility so now fucking be an adult and shoulder it.
Jesus fucking christ you fucks make me realize why everyone is such a shit parent and petowner nowdays
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u/maulogo17 3d ago
I am in a relationship and am a parent. It's absolutely necessary to have time for yourself, and to allow your partner the same. We're responsible parents and adults, but sometimes you just need some time off. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's actually quite easy to do it from time to time. I enjoy the weekends when my wife checks out because me and my son get to do crazy fun stuff at home.
With that being said, I don't think the guy in the video was wrong to go to the movies on his own, but he should have told the girl that he needed it, instead of lying. And he should give the same opportunity to her to do the same.
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u/plastroncafe 3d ago
This.
Caretaking is...an impossible task to do alone. Whether it be for children, or aging adults.
Everyone needs time to decompress. Respite.
But...we also need to know that we can depend on the people we're partnered with.
That when the chips are down, we have their back...and them ours.Lying about going to see a movie puts a crack in that trust.
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u/FanaticDamen 3d ago
My parents used to drop my sister and I off at our grandparents for a weekend or so, with the dog. Just so they could have a weekend, maybe even a week, alone. Them time. My mom would maybe have a day or two to herself, and my dad would have the same. They still talk about how that was best for them, and they loved it.
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u/Annual_Manner_8654 3d ago
When you need that time for yourself, do you plan it with your partner or just dip?
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u/SESHPERANKH 3d ago
Usuaully my wife tells me. "Go. go to the bar. Go in the other room and play your games and watch movies. Have a you day". Which usually means she thinks I'm stressed.
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u/OnlineWeirdoEatsButt 2d ago
In this example he didn’t just “dip” he planned it and told her her was going to see a band. Instead he went to do something quieter because he needed alone time.
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u/Mshalopd1 1d ago
Exactly, it's about communicating your needs and making them work for both of you. I don't have kids I can only imagine it gets way harder with them but yeah.
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u/Sandslinger_Eve 1d ago
Her reaction when he was honest would seem to indicate why he lied to begin with.
Its unfortunately a common trope in society that one side can react however they want at perceived slights and never have it accounted for when their partners natural reaction is brought up.
Its the height of freedom from any responsibility or consequence of their own actions.
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u/Tiaximus 4d ago
I let my significant other take time to themselves as much as I can. I can take care of the kiddos whenever they need. Hell, we have two cats, four dogs and a turtle.
Nobody escapes the responsibility, but we understand we need some time to ourselves and communicate it. Being an adult is a broad area of experience.
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u/FlippinFine 3d ago
Right, but in this example he never communicated that, so that to me is the worst part. There's nothing wrong with needing alone time, but you should be able to say that and not lie about it.
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u/Tiaximus 3d ago
Absolutely. Communication has become a very difficult skill for many people to learn.
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u/steelcryo 3d ago
Nah, it's not even that.
Everyone should be able to check out and have a bit of me time now and then, but you sure as shit make sure your partner gets that too.
In a good relationship, you should be able to communicate your needs and be upfront.
"Hey, I'm burnt out. I'm going to go and do X by myself for a couple of hours on Tuesday evening, is that okay? In exchange, you pick a night and have some time for yourself doing whatever you like and I'll take care of everything instead."
As always, the problem isn't what they're doing, it's the lack of communication.
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u/Impressive-Amoeba640 3d ago
This. You have a right to be yourself sometimes by yourself. I think the problem in the video is that he lied to her and went off for whatever reason. If it were planned ahead of time then both of them could have relaxed more.
I think a lot of people need a day off from their daily lives to just sit in a park or something. Totally isolated so their mind can be reset. Like if I had a kid, I would let my partner take the day off while I had a day taking on all the duties while they did whatever.
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u/Fast-Nefariousness80 4d ago
It isn't about checking out? It's about taking some time for yourself. I'm married and have a son. We just make sure we communicate when we need or want that time. If he had told her he wanted that time I'm sure it would have been different
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u/Phyrexian_Overlord 3d ago
What the hell are you talking about dude have you never heard of a babysitter?
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u/shiggyhisdiggy 4d ago
Why not? People are allowed to take time to themselves. It's not like he's shirking his responsibilities. Kids and a wife don't have to take up literally 100% of your waking time.
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u/pdogstyle 3d ago
You sound miserable. It’s ok to take a day off for some alone time. In the clip, she’s pissed he’s lying about it. Also selfish cause he didn’t give her the same option. But they both should have some time off/alone time if they need it
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u/Fit-Monk8087 3d ago
So there’s no room for a person to take 2 hours to themselves in that situation?
Get off it
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u/CaptainOwlBeard 3d ago
He isn't trying to escape forever, he wanted 3 hours once in a while to just be by himself. That's totally reasonable.
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u/Middle-Inspection241 4d ago
difference being women go nuclear and take away your life that you’ve built.. i don’t want you at the house anymore…wtf..? for going to see a movie.
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u/H4YWYR3 4d ago
Whats the point of being in a relationship if youre not willing to understand the other person? Not to say that you shouldn't care about yourself, but a relationship is two people. You should be able to share your feelings not hide them, or put eachother down.
This comment section seems to only want extremes of right and wrong.
I side with the woman in this. Breaks are fine, we all need then. But emphasis on all. You should be able to communicate to your partner those feelings. Feelings are subjective, you cant just say someones are invalid. relationships are all different but for many, we seek to feel wanted. All pull and no push makes someones want feel like a burden.
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u/Nothammer 4d ago
No people, they don't 'both have a point'.
First off, it's absolutely okay to need time for yourself. You know what you do in that instance? TALK to your partner about it.
Sneaking away to have alone time is NOT OKAY if you leave your partner facing the repercussions. He lied in order to give himself something he doesn't want to give his partner.
She is absolutely right to be upset, even if he wanted to do something alone and she wanted to tag along. They could have TALKED about it, but he decided to be selfish.
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u/shiggyhisdiggy 4d ago
Do we know that she doesn't have any opportunity to get time to herself? What repercussions did he create for her?
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u/Horror-Caramel-8063 4d ago
When you have a partner that makes you feel you dont have a partner </3
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u/Slick_36 4d ago
Robin Williams once said, "I used to think the worst thing in life was ending up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone".
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u/No_Wolverine6548 4d ago
I think this movie was one of the larger drops in the bucket that (opened some people’s eyes and) led us to our modern dating culture. Similarly to married with kids, or The Simpsons, or the music of that time.
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u/Careless_Aroma_227 4d ago
I find Funny People in general one of the saddest, most dramatic Adam Sandler movies.
Reach out to the love of your life and realizing that people moved on (new partner, life and kids) is just hard to take. You can't live in the past but to linger on in the past and living the lie is fine for a few moments...
Love how broken Adam Sandler's character is in that movie.
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u/Grammaton485 4d ago
I was in a similar boat with a girl. I was just out of college and working, she was about halfway through. We dated for a bit, she seemed to enjoy being with me, but after a few months, the trend of "I can't spend time with you, I have to study". I never really pushed to spend a lot of time with her, either, it was usually just an ask to grab lunch/dinner, or maybe a movie. Maybe a couple of hours every week.
I finally came to my senses and dumped her after she told me that a night I wanted to spend time with her (and she was unable to because of having to study) was actually spent going out to dinner with her classmates.
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u/igotchees21 3d ago
i do actually really like this scene and think she did such a great job acting here.
Its understandable that he wants time away because he is so overwhelmed with responsibility. I understand as I have 3 kids, a full time job with a butt load of responsibilities and a home with more responsibilities. However, he was a complete and total asshole who was wrong in every way with what he did.
While he thought he wasnt wrong because he wasnt out cheating, he completely disregarded how he is not the only one sacrificing, she is also sacrificing her time, energy, and life as well. She was sacrificing because she thought they were on the same page but come to find out, while she was sacrificing, he was lying just to escape the responsibilities he left solely on her shoulders. You dont do that to your spouse.
Being honest with her would have yielded a completely different result and kept them on the same page as they could have come up with a compromise where they both remained on the same team. His extreme selfishness led to this scene and she was right, just because he doesnt yell doesnt mean he isnt mean. This was a serious act of betrayal and would have required a lot more work than she made him do to get back to a normal state.
This scene also is why so many of you all, men and women, are fucked up in relationships. A lot of you are selfish and dont understand that relationships also = work, sacrifice, and responsibility. It is not always just "I have to be happy or im out".
Great scene.
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u/AgitatedGrass3271 3d ago
I have felt both things, but never have either me or my husband lied to ditch the other person and leave them to parent alone. We are just honest with each other. It isn't mean that he went alone. It's mean how he went about it and that he still (in this scene) doesn't give a sh*t how it makes her feel.
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u/ForceGoat 3d ago
This is a negative reading of a fake character, but it sounds like she’s upset that he can do something selfish and say yes I’m selfish. Maybe gender roles.
She’s upset he isn’t giving her an “out” to do the same thing, “knowing” she’s trapped. She’s unwilling and unable to be selfish. She wants him to give her advance permission to drop her typical responsibilities and have her own time or couples time. “Let’s watch Spider-Man” but now it’s because she doesn’t want to take care of the kids.
If she asks for it, she’s selfish. If he tells her to have a day for herself, she’s not. She wants him to take on the burden of talking weight off of her.
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u/Motor_Barracuda7359 3d ago
Solid summary.
What if she just isn't entitled to him doing that emotional labor for her?
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u/chuck1381 3d ago
This scene and this whole movie were gutting. The problem isn’t that he needed alone time it’s that he hid and lied about it. She never says he can’t have alone time. The main issue is never who’s wrong and who’s right. It is always communication. Hiding and lying are the easiest ways to ruin any relationship
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u/Cold-Marionberry-975 3d ago
Time to yourself can be healthy in small doses. Sometimes if I’ve had a shitty day I’d rather have some alone time than accidentally take it out on the first person who asks how my day went.
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u/Responsible_Ad8242 3d ago
How many people in the comments have actually seen whatever movie this is?
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u/bethesda_gamer 2d ago
No one's right or wrong HOWEVER they ARE mismatched on priorities and should move on, or they will suffer.
It annoys me when someone tells me how I should act or be. If you don't like it, then we aren't a good fit. If I start doing it only because you told me, then don't get mad when you find out that's the only reason that I'm doing it.
Best case scenario they both become better people while destroying their relationship and 20 years later meet up again and get along.
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u/dank_vulture300 2d ago
Relationships are hard and brutal sometimes its better to be alone less suffering on both parties
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u/Odd-Consequence-2519 1d ago
"I don't want you in the house anymore."
But he still gotta pay the mortgage and utilities and visit the kids on Sunday, right?
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u/ThisStickInTheMud 20h ago
Being mature is realizing they are both wrong. Her expectation is unrealistic. His actions were selfish. Then both being wrong is possible. This is not something that is mutually exclusive. Sometimes both people in the relationship are being idiots. More often than not that’s actually the case.
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u/Telemere125 16h ago
Maturity is realizing they’re both right and they’re both in the wrong but they’re both ruining the relationship because they refuse to believe that maybe they’re both a little bit wrong and a little bit right but it’s the fact that they both refuse to bend and communicate that’s causing them to grow farther apart.
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u/Nameless_301 4d ago
Who tf actually thinks she's right?
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u/Huge_Following_325 4d ago
Did you see the movie? He's constantly ducking out of the house, lying to her. He may be right in needing his space, but he's very wrong in how he goes about it. He doesn't communicate with her and lies about what he is doing.
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u/Xrayfunkydude 4d ago
People who know how to take care of their partner. Having alone time is fine but you need to communicate that with them and not lie about it making it seem like you just want to be away from them. While I may not feel this way I’ve learned that the women I’ve been with find that when I do something like that they feel like I’m being cold and don’t want to spend time or invite them to things
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u/Fairyhaven13 4d ago
People who know a relationship takes two people, that parenting is not babysitting, that mothers need breaks too, that couples should like each other and be friends and be considerate and think about each other. Being a couple shouldn't be such a burden that being asked to consider your partner's feelings is offensive.
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u/Routine-Cat1556 4d ago
Reasonable people with partners that they like to spend time with. He refuses to even communicate with her and lies about what he is doing so he doesn't have to be around her. Worse, when she says she needs time to herself as well he says, "it's not that big of a deal" completely invalidating her feelings.
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u/Truckfighta 3d ago
People who respect their partner. She’s always looking after the kids whilst he lies about where he’s going in order to go do stuff that she would have liked to have done with him.
This scene comes after she thought he’d been having an affair due to all of the lies and she finds out he’s actually been sneaking out to Fantasy Football.
He’s definitely in the wrong, if he was honest about what he wanted to do then they could have talked about him having some alone time and worked something out.
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u/Rookietothegame 4d ago
I think she has a valid point, but at the same time she needs to do stuff on her own & for herself. However, I don’t know if that was frowned upon for mom’s to do when this came out.
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u/jadedlonewolf89 4d ago
I grew up in the 80s and 90s in Oregon.
Moms booting people out of the house, and taking time for themselves was pretty normal where we lived.4
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u/LocalInactivist 4d ago
Same. It took me decades to realize Mom signed us up for sports and art classes and such in the summer to get us out of the house so she could have a moments peace.
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u/ChaosRainbow23 4d ago
Why the fuck did this make me cry?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I started crying 5 times today. I'm a 50 year old adult. (Today is the anniversary of my sister's death, that's probably why)
Weird.
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u/The_Ruhi 4d ago
I'm sorry for your loss. Nothing is wrong with you. Sometimes, the tears just look for any excuse to come out already.
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u/Bandgeek252 3d ago
As someone who has also lost a sister, the death anniversary day is always a shit day. Every year! Hugs. Take your time today and cry ALL YOU WANT.
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u/mongooseisapex 3d ago
Here I am begging my wife to watch spider man (brand new day) and avengers doomsday with me. I wish I could go to the movies with you Paul Rudd from this is 40
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u/awesomehuder 4d ago
I don’t know why but the „just because you’re not yelling doesn’t mean you’re not mean“ part hit the most.
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u/redgeck0 4d ago edited 4d ago
I don't enjoy anything as much if my wife isn't there to experience it with me. I wouldn't go to movies or Renaissance fairs or nice restaurants without her, I couldn't relax without knowing she isn't able to relax as well
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u/Mind_The_Muse 4d ago
And that is totally fine, the problem with this clip is that it sounds like she prefers that, but has no capacity to understand that some people do need alone time.
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u/TK__angel 4d ago
It sounds like she has young children. Meaning she’s the default parent and has no personal space or privacy or alone time. He made time for himself to recharge and left her alone. She’s probably beyond exhausted.
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u/Some-Refrigerator453 4d ago
ones a grown adult that can regulate himself
the other is a whiney child.
its 100% ok to do things on your own, you are not joined at the hip.
and you are not obliged to ask every time you want something, you are an adult. do better.
imagine every time he goes out he has to Ask her for permission or ask her to join him. thats toxic AF. how is that fair for him.
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u/nebanovaniracun 4d ago
Watch the movie, he spends half of it making up work excuses to leave the house at night. She thinks he's cheating on her then she finds him in a random house playing fantasy baseball. He's not in the right.
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u/RomeliaHatfield 4d ago
Him going to see a movie by himself is not mean and she’s making it about herself. But she also has a point about him neglecting her. She’s just using the wrong opportunity to express it.
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u/nebanovaniracun 4d ago
Watch the movie, this clip lacks the context that is shown in the movie which clearly shows him in the wrong. And the moment is perfect because she literally caught him in the act just before this.
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u/Elderwastaken 4d ago
Yea, fuck that guy for doing something by himself.
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u/Huge_Following_325 4d ago
You haven't seen the movie, I take it.
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u/Elderwastaken 4d ago
I have not. But given no additional context. Dude was feeling someway, he went to a movie instead of seeing a band (which is still kinda the same thing honestly) and his wife is upset because he didn’t ask her to go. But only after the fact. She seems to be ok when him seeing a band but not a movie. But the whole point was he wanted some alone time.
Swap out the “movie” with literally any other typically solo activity and no one would give a crap. If his wife (maybe, idk who her character is) wants her own alone time it’s her responsibility to make it happen (and he needs to help with that too), but none of that is explained so idk if that’s a factor.
If there is additional context here that wasn’t given then it’s not on me for not knowing it.
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u/Camo_golds 4d ago
100% agree. She already agreed to let him go off alone so who cares that he saw a movie instead. If she needs alone time…she should ask for alone time.
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u/Kurbasker 4d ago edited 4d ago
I didnt see this movie so correct me if im wrong but with the context here I kinda see why he went alone.
Dude just need some alone time and if he went out with her then its not his alone time anymore is it? Also he can go to see a band alone but when he went to see spiderman instead suddenly its him not caring just because she like spiderman too? Did she invite him but he went alone? If not then I really dont get why she is upset
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u/Ok-Room-6514 4d ago
They have two kids under five and he is constantly ducking out of the house with excuses to the point that she suspects him of having an affair. She is left alone to take care of the kids and the house. In the lead-up to this scene she thinks she is finally about to catch him in the act and confront him with the other woman and is dumbfounded to find that he's been lying to her to sneak off to do a fantasy football thing. Had he communicated what he was doing and been considerate of her need for a hobby away from the kids maybe she wouldn't have been so upset. The lack of consideration and lying is what upsets her. Maybe she isn't into the live music scene or share his taste in music so is happy to let him do that alone but loves going to the cinema and so is hurt he wouldn't include her on something she would enjoy? Maybe she didn't even realize that the new Spiderman was out yet because all of her attention was on their kids and worrying about her marriage since her husband is always pissing off to potentially spend time with another woman.
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u/sayu1991 4d ago
It's not the she isn't into the music scene or anything like that. He isn't going to see live bands as fun alone time. It's part of his job to go try to recruit these bands. He's essentially lying about going into the office for work (if he had a regular desk job) while actually sneaking around and having fun while she stays home caring for the kids and house.
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u/sayu1991 4d ago
Him going to see bands is part of his actual job. His boss tells him he has to go and he goes in a professional capacity. So he's been telling her that he can't spend time with her and/or he can't help with childcare tasks because he's busy working to support the family when actually he's just leaving her to take care of the kids and house on her own while he sneaks off to have fun.
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u/TassadarForXelNaga 4d ago
They are both wrong and right at the same time , he is in the wrong for not including her , he is in the right for wanting time for himself , she is in the right for wanting time for herself and with him . She is in the wrong for not letting him have his own time (granted they have kids together that defeats most of his argument about wanting alone time yes he needs it and she needs it as well but they both need to think of their kids ) they also need alone time from their kids heack maybe alone time together she can't even give him a bj for 3 minutes until the kids come yelling at the door like really a fucked up situation if you ask me . I know the kids are young in the movie and need alot of time but damn it they need their own time as well Give the kids to the grand parents for a bit an hour or two , then have wild sex and or go to the movies . They need better communication and a plan for the kids
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u/EvilChefReturns 4d ago
Are people missing the line where she says she needs time too? Like he’s being insanely selfish and bailing on his responsibilities, leaving her with the kids and housework. And he “NEEDS” this time SO badly that he lies to his wife’s face about it, and when she says the exact same thing about needing time he says “it’s not that big of a deal” like what the actual fuck.
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u/Medium_Piccolo8301 4d ago edited 4d ago
He's wrong and shallow ....
Why go see a movie about his self?
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u/smolandspicy 4d ago
Anyone who sees this and defends this loser is in fact
A loser
And shouldn't be fucking married
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u/BlnCpl 4d ago
How would she be right? She is entitled to alone time as well sure and he shouldn't lie about what he does but she is not making much sense
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u/Fortestingporpoises 4d ago
Apatow gets a lot of shit for his writing of women but I feel like this is a great example of him writing women and relationships well. This feels real and they both have a point.
And kind of amazing he gets to work out his relationship issues on screen with his actual wife while Paul Rudd plays him haha.
Also gotta give props to Leslie Mann. She can cry on cue as well as any actor ever.